Can you still be best friend with your ex after a break up?

fitforlife34
fitforlife34 Posts: 331 Member
in Motivation and Support
Hi! It's fitforlife34 again. My last thread about being single in my 30's got like 300 replies, and I got a lot of good advice. I was very happy that people cared, and were in my shoes, and I wasn't alone. Now the next one. I have a man I have dated off and on, but I know for sure it isn't right. For many reasons. i was told the best thing to do is to drop him cold turkey, meaning erase his number, letters, etc etc. But he is my best friend, we talk on the phone every day, text every day. And still love each other, although I know it would never work in the future, and I kind of am wasting his time really.

But I was told that ex boyfriends/ex girlfriends cannot be friends after they break up. I agree in many ways. I had ex boyfriends I was still wanting to be friends with, little did I know they were still in love with me, so when I started dating this new guy a year and a half ago, they dropped me because I wasn't in love with them.

What's everyone else's opinion? Can exes still be best friends after moving on?
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Replies

  • michellekicks
    michellekicks Posts: 3,624 Member
    No. Absolutely not.
  • Justkeepswimmin
    Justkeepswimmin Posts: 777 Member
    "Best" friends...no. Passing friendly aquaintances that pretend they are still friends...maybe.
  • mgobluetx12
    mgobluetx12 Posts: 1,326 Member
    Absolutely. I think if you were friends BEFORE you got involved with each other, that helps. I met a guy at work and we became friends. Months later, we started dating. We dated for 3 years, got engaged and then broke up. The hardest part about breaking up was that I lost my best friend. So, we eventually started seeing each other again and remained best friends. Granted it was hard when I started dating again - talking to him about other guys and such. I even moved 3 hours away for a couple years and he was the only person who came to visit me during that time. My family never even did. I moved back and moved in with him. We got married last April, 16 years after we first met. So, it can definitely happen!
  • ElizaRoche
    ElizaRoche Posts: 2,005 Member
    best friend? no way!!... Maybe have a cordial talk when you see each other? yes.. All depends on the reasons of the break up.
  • raven0314
    raven0314 Posts: 22
    Hi,

    You really should allow yourself time to heal. Someone's feelings in the relationship will still be raw. It's important to allow those feelings to heal and give yourself time to move on. Also, you'll be too temped to give him the cookies. Guess what, if he isn't good enough to be your full-time man, then he doesn't get the honor and benefit of your cookies.

    Use this time to focus on your. He'll be fine, if he's not, it's not your problem anymore.
  • Gallowmere1984
    Gallowmere1984 Posts: 6,626 Member
    It varies from person to person. I have one ex in particular that I am still very good friends with, even after several years.

    Then there are the rest, who I kicked out because they became intolerable idiots. Those, not so much.
  • OSUalum
    OSUalum Posts: 449 Member
    No
  • SomeoneSomeplace
    SomeoneSomeplace Posts: 1,094 Member
    I dated a good friend for a few months and we're till friends and occasionally we hook up. There's no weirdness but we dated a long time ago and we weren't terrible serious. I'm also still friends with my recent ex whose currently in jail but that's of course just phone calls and letter & it's probably not the best idea.

    It can get complicated.

    Both people need to be 100 percent okay with the person sleeping with and dating other people and the fact that they could start seriously dating someone and that will change your relationship. You're friends--not dating.

    The guy I've been with off and on for several years has had girlfriends over the years and during the time our friendship obviously changes. We are both aware the other person has and continues to sleep with other people if they want to and it doesnt bother either one of us

    It is possible but in a lot of cases it doesn't work
  • Bella_Bea
    Bella_Bea Posts: 18 Member
    I think it depends of the situation, in most cases I would say no. However...my best friend is actually my ex boyfriend. But we were friends *before* dating was even in the question so it doesn't seem abnormal now. I would say generally though, being best friends would be very hard.

    Friends? Yes, I believe that shows maturity and that both parties have moved on. Totally dependent on each relationship/situation.
  • starry8740
    starry8740 Posts: 15 Member
    No. No matter how much you dont want them back or if youre over him....it still hurts to see them with someone new.

    I wish i could be friends with my ex....but i know it will never work.
  • KBUnleashed
    KBUnleashed Posts: 44 Member
    I agree that it depends on the situation. I am best friends with my ex-boyfriend. We dated for almost 11 years and have a child together.

    We both date other people and we are fine with it. We can even give each other sex/romantic advice. By the way, we've been broken up since Jan this year.
  • wendylou224
    wendylou224 Posts: 40 Member
    depends on the situation. It took a year for me and my ex (we lived together for 3 years) to become friends again. He is not my best friend, but he is someone i can call in an emergency and also we hike and kayak together often. That was the best part of our relationship was the outdoors stuff and traveling we did. now I wouldn't want to see him with someone else, even though i would never date him again, there are still feelings there deep down, so i try to distance myself a little and not hang out often
  • ubermensch13
    ubermensch13 Posts: 824 Member
    I agree it depends on the people involved. There is no "answer" here, it depends on the maturity of each person involved. My best friend, or one of the 2 I have, is my ex. I couldn't imagine my life without her in it, and we haven't dated in 8 years. I am happily married now, but she is still one of the most important people in my life, so, it CAN be done.
  • charmarbobar
    charmarbobar Posts: 251 Member
    I think yes. My now husband dated my cousin for a year or so and she was my maid of honor at our wedding, and I at hers. They are still really good friends, as he is with another ex (his only 2 exes actually).

    Personally, I am not friends at all with most of my exes, but that's because they were @**holes!
  • yoovie
    yoovie Posts: 17,121 Member
    only if you dont see each other or have contact for six months to a year after you break up and even then you'll most likely grow apart.
  • fcp1234
    fcp1234 Posts: 1,098 Member
    It depends. I am friends with a few ex's. But best friends? No, never
  • 76tech
    76tech Posts: 1,455 Member
    I believe you can be *friends*, just not *best friends.* You'd still be together if you were *best* friends, no?
  • ellen_v
    ellen_v Posts: 33
    I remember reading something along the lines of "If you stay friends after a break up you're either still in love or never really were". I think it depends on why you broke up. If it was because there was no chemistry or things just fizzled out, I think it's fine to be friends.
  • vtmoon
    vtmoon Posts: 3,436 Member
    It can be depending on how the relationship started, developed, and ended. Also, the people involved, I'm really good friends with a lot of my ex's but I always ended relationships on a good note even if it was a bad break up.
  • CyeRyn
    CyeRyn Posts: 389 Member
    I don't know about "best" friends but I'm still on decent terms with a couple of my exes. Just don't expect their "future" g/f's to be understanding.
  • Zomoniac
    Zomoniac Posts: 1,169 Member
    I went out with a girl for 7 years, we broke up and severed all ties for the best part of six months to allow ourselves to move on. We're now very close friends but in no way interested in each other, she's getting married soon and all is fine. So yes, it's doable.

    What I will say is you cannot do it from day one. You need to move on, and that can't be done with constant reminders. Remove them from your life for as long as it takes to get past those feelings, then reassess the situation.
  • ariesmom07
    ariesmom07 Posts: 57 Member
    I guess it depends on the person. I can't be friends with my ex. I despise him.
  • lauren3101
    lauren3101 Posts: 1,853 Member
    It's the 'best friends' thing that is off-putting.

    Not least of the worries is how difficult it would be for new partners. I think a lot of people would naturally find their new partners 'best friend' being their ex very threatening.
  • beansprouts
    beansprouts Posts: 410 Member
    I remember reading something along the lines of "If you stay friends after a break up you're either still in love or never really were". I think it depends on why you broke up. If it was because there was no chemistry or things just fizzled out, I think it's fine to be friends.

    One of my sisters (now married) is still friendly with every boyfriend that she has had since junior high school...We (the family) call them the "chain of fools".
  • Koldnomore
    Koldnomore Posts: 1,613 Member
    My boyfriend, his x-wife and I are all great friends. They are still 'best friends' . They have a child together, who I am now 'step-mom' to.

    If you can see each other as 'people' and not 'hook ups' AND if you have no romantic feelings anymore then I don't see why not. However if there is any 'hope' of a relationship or if there are still feelings then no, forget it.
  • randomtai
    randomtai Posts: 9,003 Member
    My boyfriend, his x-wife and I are all great friends. They are still 'best friends' . They have a child together, who I am now 'step-mom' to.

    If you can see each other as 'people' and not 'hook ups' AND if you have no romantic feelings anymore then I don't see why not. However if there is any 'hope' of a relationship or if there are still feelings then no, forget it.

    This... My fiance, my ex and I are all good friends as well. My ex and I have kids and it's nice that we can still be friends and cordial to each other.
  • steelyjoe22
    steelyjoe22 Posts: 40 Member
    No. If you really liked each other that much, you'd be together. Plus, do you want to explain this person and your relationship with them to the next person that you date? Most people would be uncomfortable that he is still such a big part of your life - even if they trust you, they may not trust his intentions.
  • WishfulShrinking331
    WishfulShrinking331 Posts: 244 Member
    I've never had luck with that and in my opinion what is the difference between dating and being best friends? Your partner is supposed to be your best friend anyway so the only difference is that you are allowed to date other people. Any relationship, friend or not is about commitment and I just have not had any luck with my exes.
  • Skeels
    Skeels Posts: 929 Member
    Nope, but you can still have random sexytime
  • SoViLicious
    SoViLicious Posts: 2,633 Member
    If I cant love you why should we be friends.

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