Ladies I need your advise...

Tony_Brewski

Ok I love my wife dearly, deeply, truly madly. We're going on 12 years of marriage now. Over the years of comfort we both packed on the weight I wont lie we got fat. We have 3 very active children aged from 4 to 10 years old. My wife complains about her weight, yet says she's comfortable being her size, yet complains again and more and even more.

How can I nudge her to work out? Myself I'm down 50+ pounds now, 40 from this summer alone. I don't know how I could tactfully say to my wife, "Hey babe, I love.. don't get me wrong, but umm... I miss that body you had before we had kids. Can ya work on gettin it back and stop griping about your weight?" NO THAT IS NOT WHAT I'D SAY! I just need some female advise on how I can approach her and encourage her to get back into the shape I know she truly wants.

Post or PM me with input. Thanks in advance.

kit_katty

This sort of situation has come up before on the site. The main thing is that she wont budge until seh's ready to. Pushing or suggesting isn't going to work. However, perhaps broaching the subject from a health stand point and wanting the best for your kids, to be there for kids and to be the best example for the kids... that may work. I wish you good luck!

ginandchocolate

The only thing I could suggest would be to invite her to work out with you or maybe if you could afford it, get her a few personal training sessions. She has to want it for herself.
Or you could threaten divorce

jynxxxed

The ONLY thing you can do is invite her to work out with you. Ear healthier with you. You can't ask her to go do it, you have to kind of guide her into it and do it together. Asking her or discussing it will NOT work and probably just upset her.

MdmAcolyte

I had a boyfriend once who showed up one day and brought me a bike and said he wanted to go cycling with me. It got me moving! Maybe the same approach would work with your wife? Start off small with "let's start taking walks together after dinner with/without the kids." Start making dates to do activities together. It could work.

lauren3101

It's up to her if/when she decideds to lose weight unfortunately, but you could mention it tactfully.

"I'd really like you to be happy and you obviously arent at the moment, so why not join me in what I'm doing? We could spur each other on."

"I love you and your health matters to me a lot, I've realised how much better I feel since losing x amount, why don't we do it together, etc etc."

Women can be funny about their weight but if you approach it well, and make sure she knows you love her however she is and you want to support her, you will be fine. Good luck. :-)

Heather_Rider

You cant. sorry Tony. Please dont even attempt this.. If you wanna SEE her body, in ANY form again.. dont do it!! LOL

Start learning how to cook & cook amazingly healthy meals.. sign up for healthy cooking classes to take together (and tell her its because YOU want to learn to cook FOR HER on anniversarys, birthdays etc.. and you better do it!) and do things like ask her to go on walks with her.. but when you walk with her, hold her hand, tell her how much you love her.. make her WANT to go.. you gotta be tricky.. especially after the kids and all..

trust me!! lol

salcha76

i got happy & gained 10lbs when i got a boyfriend, he did the same...then he started improving himself & i was like whoa....hold on....i have so much room for improvement too! i wanted to improve myself for me....but he inspired me. How can you inspire her? it is a mental switch in her head that needs flipped....she needs to want to be a milf....not just stuck in mom mode like so many women are....

GuardiansChild

What if you make working out something you do together? Instead of running on a treadmill or doing a workout routine in your home, make it something fun. Go hiking, go swimming, take up a Zumba class, walk in a nearby park, etc. Instead of having it look like a chore, turn it into a date that's allowing you to do something fun together and pushing both of you to where you want to be.

PJ64

I had a boyfriend once who showed up one day and brought me a bike and said he wanted to go cycling with me. It got me moving! Maybe the same approach would work with your wife? Start off small with "let's start taking walks together after dinner with/without the kids." Start making dates to do activities together. It could work.

This lil nudges work!

tekwriter

I am afriad it would be hopless as well. I have suggested and begged my husband to diet with me and it is useless. Even if she were to do it you end up being the food police and it sucks. The best you can do is what you are doing, be an example.

fstephanie4

The only thing I could suggest would be to invite her to work out with you or maybe if you could afford it, get her a few personal training sessions. She has to want it for herself.

^^ I agree with that one. Not in a "work out with me now woman" way but in a "hey I'm about to go for a walk, want to join" kinda way :happy:

meredith2780

You could try subtle things like cook healthy dinners for her and why not to start things off, ask her to go for walks, just the 2 of you. Or biking like someone else mentioned on here. Do either of you like dancing? Maybe you could take a dancing class together. That's an awesome way to shed some pounds plus you can both get time together and you'll be getting a form of exercise in. If you keep incorporating the small things then maybe she'll jump on the bandwagon. she'll realize she's feeling better and possibly want to advance the workouts. Just don't be harsh because at the end of the day it is her body and if she is happy with it then you really can't do anything. Best of luck to you though.

vaness7578

My husband knows if he's doing something, I'm likely to follow him. So he really leads by example when it comes to "getting moving". And I've been trying to change our eating habits because I do the food shopping and cooking usually. But I agree, she has to be ready to do it. Leading by example is the best way to help her on the right track too. Good Luck!

kenazfehu

If you have to listen to her whine and complain about her weight, then I think she has to listen to you suggest remedies. If she doesn't like it, she can quit whining.

krickeyuu

Maybe you could show her some of the before and after pics on this site. "Hey, honey, look at this!" Sometimes people need to see that others have lost weight in a healthy way to believe that they can do it too.

laural007

She has to want to lose the weight for herself. I would personally be humiliated if my SO suggested I lost weight. If it's truly something that is bothering you maybe you could tell her that a gym membership would be a lot less expensive if you purchased a buddy pass and the only buddy you want to work out with is her.

Good luck! lol

1plumpmom

Good Luck!! I take offense to everything. The only way a person will lose weight is for them to be sick of themselves.

Becoming_A_Butterfly

I like the idea of inviting her to go for walks with you, hiking with you if there is anywhere to do that, make it a couple's activity if she is willing to go along, and keeping it as positive as possible.

Telling someone they are fat and that you would like for them to lose weight likely isn't going to go over well, no matter how true it is. She clearly already knows she has a weight problem if she is complaining about it, anyway. There is no guarantee she will want to join you in becoming fitter and healthier, but just keep doing what you are doing, keep inviting her to be a part of it, and maybe eventually she will want to start making some changes as well.

NJSunshine13

My motto is you can't whine about something if you aren't willing to try to fix it. Next time you hear her complain, that's your opening. That's when you can say, well if it bothers you, then let's do something about it and give her all the ideas you have about walks and cooking class or dance class. Be prepared to offer suggestions. If she knocks them down, then she's just not ready and there's not much you can do except worry about yourself and maybe she'll be motivated by your success.

bushidowoman

I have this theory that women who are well-taken care of by their men will also take care of themselves. I can't prove it...but *anectdotally*...my friends (and I) who have happier marriages and whose husbands regularly give us lots of help around the house, time away from the kids, and praise/affection put more effort into our appearances. My friends whose husbands come home from work, sit in front of the tv, are selfish with their time, and heavy on the criticism are the ones who seem to struggle more in this area. When a woman is overwhelmed or unhappy, it's hard to find the energy to make changes.

OK, just throwing that out there, and with that out of the way...

Tell her often how beautiful she is to you, no matter what. Express your desire to spend more time with her, and suggest doing things like dancing, hiking lovely fall trails, biking, etc. Since you've adopted a healthier lifestyle and are feeling good, it's natural that you want her to share in that with you. If she is unhealthy, it's OK to express your concern for her health. You love her; of course you want to take care of her.
There are plenty of ways to encourage her without making her feel bad about herself.

And what if she does express interest in something that would take her away from the house more (like gym time or a class)? Be willing to make those adjustments to your own schedule, and don't complain about having to fix dinner, watch the kids, etc.

toogsmom

Well, I have really struggled with weight and with 4 kids it has been hard at times. I knew i was FAT, knew I needed to lose weight but after a cpl tries it just seemed to hard. Chances are this could be your SO too! For me...it took me wanting it bad enough . No one can make someone else want something for themselves. My husband never ....ever said anything to me about it.EVER!! He always said that he thought
I was the prettiest woman ever. Even now He says that I have worked hard and look amazing but He thinks Ive always looked amazing! Do i believe that he always thought i was the sexiest woman ever? No , but he made me feel that way! I know in the back of my mind that nothing could ever happen to my physical bdy that would make him love me less....example cancer ,no hair etc.!! It makes me love him even more. I would tread carefully !!!! Woman are emotional beings words hurt, you may do more damage than good! Id recommend like many others. Use it as an excuse to date her again! Do fun things together!!! Healthy habits dnt happen over night! And speaking from example ....When i was so frustrated and felt like just giving up the fight....I would say...oh im happy with what I look like...guess ill just be fat and happy! All the while totally miserable!!! TREAD CAREFULLY!!!

bushidowoman

You could also offer to take over fixing dinner a couple nights a week. Treat her to some yummy, healthy, home-cooked meals. There are lots of recipes/blogs/Pinterest boards on the internet to help with this.

eileenchristine

For me I need to be accepted for who I am. Someone even hinting that I needed to lose weight would get my defenses up. Friend of mine lost 70 lbs and he was so patient with me. He knew I was unhappy with my health and I was major frustrated, but he said I was fine the way I was and that when I am ready I will decide to do something. Until then I looked fine the way I was. Who was he kidding? I looked in the mirror and ack! Besides not being able to be active like I wanted to be. He joined MFP day before I did. He told me about it and I thought, what the hey, sounds simple enough. I knew I had to account for my food to lose and this sounded so simple! So I joined and in 7 weeks have lost 12 lbs. Not great but hey its a loss.

Main thing is I accepted that he liked me for who I was and that my being fat was not a problem for him..... it was a problem for me! His acceptance got me to where I could say, yes, I want to do this for me.

I like the idea of biking together or doing something little bit active together.

Remember bout 2 years ago took my friend hiking in the woods nearby and he complained after 20 min. was too primitive of a hiking area. He needed water, etc. etc. etc. Now he walks 5 to 6 miles! Just gotta be patient and accepting of people for who they are. Only person you can change is yourself.

You can pray for your wife also that she comes to realize how damaging the weight is for her. Ask the Universe to help her. I think positive thoughts can change situations greatly! I know I was asking for my friend to be willing to be more active....yeah and he has far surpassed me! Now I am trying to catch up!



C

heatherloveslifting

I have this theory that women who are well-taken care of by their men will also take care of themselves. I can't prove it...but *anectdotally*...my friends (and I) who have happier marriages and whose husbands regularly give us lots of help around the house, time away from the kids, and praise/affection put more effort into our appearances. My friends whose husbands come home from work, sit in front of the tv, are selfish with their time, and heavy on the criticism are the ones who seem to struggle more in this area. When a woman is overwhelmed or unhappy, it's hard to find the energy to make changes.

OK, just throwing that out there, and with that out of the way...

Tell her often how beautiful she is to you, no matter what. Express your desire to spend more time with her, and suggest doing things like dancing, hiking lovely fall trails, biking, etc. Since you've adopted a healthier lifestyle and are feeling good, it's natural that you want her to share in that with you. If she is unhealthy, it's OK to express your concern for her health. You love her; of course you want to take care of her.
There are plenty of ways to encourage her without making her feel bad about herself.

And what if she does express interest in something that would take her away from the house more (like gym time or a class)? Be willing to make those adjustments to your own schedule, and don't complain about having to fix dinner, watch the kids, etc.

SO TRUE! We become what we believe ourselves to be. Touch her a lot. Tell her she is beautiful. If you make her feel beautiful she will want to be that way, and she will start changing.

chubbygirl253

ask her to help you.

"honey, I know I can do this but I feel like I need a partner sometimes. I wish we could do it together and keep each other accountable."

"I feel like I need a workout buddy to stay motivated. will you do it with me?"

"I feel so much better since I've started losing and I wish I hadn't abused my body for so long. I think we should teach the kids better about nutrition and fitness while they're young so they don't make some of the same mistakes. Can we start making heathy choices for the whole family?"

bcattoes

For goodness sake do not mention her past body. Comparing now to 12 years ago is not much different than comparing her current body to another woman's body.

Why not suggest activities you can do together. A hike or backpacking trip. Maybe trail or mountain biking. If you can get her active, chances are she'll like the changes in her body enough to want to do more. Don't say you want to do these things together so she'll look better. Just suggest them because you want to spend time with her (and the kids, if you want).

Hollycat

Dangerous territory guys. You can't MAKE someone change. They have to WANT to. Seriously, if you want to stay married, don't EVER mention the shape of her body or how you miss her old one. If you do mention her body, you can only tell her how much you like it, whether you do or not. Resentment grows like a cancer and we ladies never forget 'fat' remarks, however slight or tactful. Instead of inspiring, it can make us angry and think thoughts like "Damn him! I am what I am and I'm just going to stay this way to spite him!" You definitely do not want to go there and you do not want to put yourself in a position where you are telling her what to do. It won't fly and it will make things worse, because her focus will be on YOU instead of herself.

Lead by example. When your wife is so sick and heavy that she can't join you and your kids on outings, perhaps feeling left out will be the catalyst, but you can't bank on it. Everyone has to make their own choices and everyone has their breaking point and you can't force it. You can only lead by example.

There are some things you can do. Don't bring junk into the house. Bring healthy food choices into the scenario without blame or accusations. In other words, don't discuss it and for heaven's sake don't lecture. Boring! Just do it. Buy veggies and cut them up small for the kids. Present the family with a beautiful plate of cut up veggies and dip and don't say a word. Don't ask them if they want some. Just present it with the expectation they will try it. They might not, at first, but if you keep doing it, eventually they will. Do this every other day. Alternate each day with a beautiful salad - romaine [cut very small], spinach ["It's lettuce!"], shaved radishes, celery, green onion, grated carrot, lemon juice, a few croutons. Mix in the oil and balsamic-based dressing before serving. Instead of it being a 'discussion', it becomes a habit and change will evolve slowly without guilt, drama or shame.

In the evening, put your shoes and coat on, stand at the door, look longingly at your wife and say, "Walk with me around the block. I miss you."

For better or worse.

Hollycat:flowerforyou:

Koldnomore

Every woman will be different..YMMV.

If my boyfriend ever told me I needed to lose weight I'd kick his *kitten* to the curb. What works for me is being loved for who I am - you're already on the right road. Tell her how much you love her and how beautiful you think she is (every day - if you don't already). She is obviously unhappy if she is voicing it - maybe she feels you will dump her now that you're all 'hot' and she is scared... I would highly suggest being very gentle..

If she is the one who does most of the cooking then offer to cook so she has some time to 'relax' - it can't be easy taking care of 3 kids. When you cook you can start making some healthier changes - don't say anything about it, and do NOT try to make her eat weird things..just make things a little healthier.

Tell her you'd like to have a 'date night' without the kids, once a week and then plan to do something that requires activity..go for a romantic walk in a park after dinner or something like that.

Start planning activities as a family...take everyone, that way mom has to go Go play kick ball with your kids and include mom in the circle.

Once you have her up and moving and eating more healthily and she starts dropping a couple of pounds THEN you can notice "You're looking even hotter than normal!" keep it up slowly and she WILL eventually want to be the 'hottie' you see in her.

If you make this about "you" I can't see it working out very well.

Good luck!

shrinkingsusie

1. Don't say anything. Communication about weight is for girlfriend's and trained professionals. Spouses are off limits until you are mentally on the same page. Until she accepts the challenge and hard work ahead of her, keep your mouth shut. Sorry.

2. Encourage her to get her yearly annual exam. My hubby has been reminding me for weeks

2. Grab her butt and tell her she looks pretty. She might want to take a walk with you.

3. Tell her she's a good mom.

4. Print some motivational pictures "for yourself" and put them on the fridge. She'll look at them.

My qualifications. Four babies in 10 years. My husband never said a word to me about my weight and went about his workout routine. I appreciate that so much.

Juliejustsaying

lead by example and nothing more...

totally love your ink, dude...and I stole the Teddy Bear pic...just saying.