Am I asking too much?

PibblesRun

First let me start by saying...if you dont have anything nice to say, dont say anything at all. You dont know me, or my husband so theres no harm in me asking an opinion. Ive read threads where people ask marital advice and some people just demean them for asking personal advice on the internet. I have talked to my family sometimes...but there are some things I dont want to ask my family or friends because I dont want them forming negative opinions of my husband. I try to talk to him...but it always ends in a fight because he thinks im telling him hes a piece of ****...which is never my words! I dont know how else to word it as to not offend him.

Ill try and make it short. Im a stay at home mom for our 8 month old girl. I bust my butt all day every day to properly take care of our child and give her a loving home! I make sure our house is spotless, Laundrys done, dinners ready for him when he comes home from work, get up, make his breakfast, pack his lunches, balance the budget, pay the bills, do the shopping I even do the yardwork and take out the trash! I dont ask anything of my husband because he works 8 hours a day to provide for us. And dont get me wrong, I appreciate it...which is why I do all that I do. Im glad I can stay home with our daughter.

The problem...when something is asked of my husband, he wont do whatever needs done for weeks (like house repairs) and I let it go and I dont nag or bug him until a month or more goes by...then Ill ask nicley...hey could you please do this...I get a crappy attitude "I told you Id F ing do it didnt I, do you want me to do it this F ing second?" Well no but its been a while now and it needs done (like trying to find a leak!) not minor stuff sometimes! And then another month goes by still not done. Same thing over and over.

A side job...my husband used to be a contractor so he will do odd jobs on weekends sometimes for people he knows. He went and looked at a roof job 2 months ago! An easy 1,000 dollars...we really need that money for christmas! I asked if he gave her a price yet 2 weeks ago, I get the normal nasty "No, when do you F ing expect me to do it im always F ing busy" (mind you he works a normal 8-5 job) and then comes home and sits in front of the tv the rest of the night. But hes too busy to give her a price to do her roof! So this morning I asked him if he had a chance yet, get the same answer of course. So as nice as I can sound I tell him, well why dont you do it now, your not doing anything? We could really use the money for christmas honey" so I get a "Fine Ill F ing do it now if it will get you to stop Fing nagging me and shut the *kitten* up!" He procedes to scream and stomp out of the house and slam the door right in front of our little girl. Then he comes back in and sits down and still doesnt do it. I could understand if we didnt need the money, I wouldnt care. But I would think he would want to do it so we could get our girl some nice gifts for her first christmas.

Im just baffled and hurt and fed up with this stuff, the laziness and the attitude. (granted hes not lazy when it comes to his normal paying job, and I do appreciate that, and I do tell him that all the time) I dont just ask him to get things done, I also tell him things I love that he does and thank him for all that he does. He thinks because he works and makes money that he doesnt have to do anything else. he makes comments like, I worked all day, im tired. Or on the weekends...its my F ing weekend and im going to relax because I work hard. (hes a maintenance supervisor) I cant get him to understand that when your an adult and have a home and a child your "job" doesnt stop when you punch out of your paying job, i cant get him to take any other responsibilities besides his paying job.

Am I really asking that much??? We still are intimate regularly, at least 5 days a week. So hes not sexually frustrated or lacking intamacy! I think he has it pretty good, or am I expecting too much?

Cindym82

It's not too much to ask at all. I'm sort of in the same boat....my bf works overnights and I work 7a-3p, for instance he is off saturday and sunday nights. Sundays he goes to bed with me at 9pm (i was up at 5:30 for work) and than proceeds to sleep all day and doesn't get anything done around the house and when I nag him about it he's like I work midnights. And it turns into a fight b/c I'm like yeah? Well i work all day, come home, work out, cook, clean, shower and than its freaking 7pm already. Its frustrating that he doesn't understand and I tell him to switch his hours than if he's going to complain about working overnights. But if it's something he wants he gets it done asap. I think its a man thing b/c everyone I talk to says the same thing *hugs*

Frozen300

He's not going to change. I bet he is the exact same guy that you married before your baby, but now that with the added responsiblity, he resents the fact that he has to step up. Stop nagging him, stop telling him what to do, see if he steps up and if he does not then start thinking about an exit plan.

dbkrantz

On a side note, I am pretty horrified at the way he speaks to you.

My boyfriend of 3 years never spoke to me like this once. It is unacceptable in my opinion.

And no, you're not asking too much. I just think he's lazy.

TigressPat

Been there, done that.
The person who said he's not going to change is right.
you have few options:
1- live with it.
2- stop cleaning the house and cooking him dinner and start teaching yourself to be handy so you can fix the toilet yourself (there are some good books out there)
3- try to have that conversation "this is what I do, this is what I need YOU to do" if he turns it into a self- loathing rant either ignore him and proceed or suggest he fix his self esteem and anger issues, grow the f--- up and act like and adult.
4- leave.

you sound like you have a great head on your shoulders, in the end, you can probably do better, and do you really need this sh-t?

guys don't change. If they think bringing home the bacon entitles them to put their feet up and bark at you to get them a beer all weekend before you are married, that's what you will get after.

that said, In this case using the forum as a sounding board is probably a good thing. you need to also find ways to deal with your frustration if you choose to stay in the situation, and talking to friends who know both of you is not usually a good thing. But don;t expect an answer here, there isn't one, only more questions which only you can answer.
You Husband has issues that have nothing to do with you, and sometimes it's just not worth the work, but only you can make that choice.

good luck!

TavistockToad

I don't have anything nice to say, he sounds like a complete w*nker!

PibblesRun

I don't have anything nice to say, he sounds like a complete w*nker!

LOL...I mean about me. Ive seen some advice threads where people really ream out the person asking advice, so I was hesitant to put it up...but figured id go into it expecting some backlash!

TigressPat

One more thing to think about, if he talks to you like that and disrespects you constantly, your daughter will grow up disrespecting you too.

PibblesRun

He's not going to change. I bet he is the exact same guy that you married before your baby, but now that with the added responsiblity, he resents the fact that he has to step up. Stop nagging him, stop telling him what to do, see if he steps up and if he does not then start thinking about an exit plan.

Sadly I do know he wont change...And he might have been the same before the baby. But we didnt have any responsibilities starting out our relationship and marriage for me to find out. We lived in an apartment for a few years before we bought our house...So there wasnt anything for him to do for me to know he was this way unfortunatley. I always figured he was a hard working man at his 8-5 job so he would be so when we owned a home and had a baby. guess not...

SarahMorganP

I would be on strike in a second in that environment. The only thing I would do would be to take care of my child and that is it. I would stop cleaning the house, I would stop making him meals. I wouldn't do his laundry. I wouldn't do a damn thing for someone who abused me in the way your husband is abusing you. Just because he doesn't hit you doesn't mean it isn't abuse. That is crazy mental and emotional abuse. It is wrong and it needs to stop. If you don't stop it your daughter will grow up thinking that is how a woman is supposed to be treated. She will marry someone just like him and the cycle will continue.

If you don't have enough self respect to demand he treat you better, you should have enough love for your daughter to do it.

PibblesRun

One more thing to think about, if he talks to you like that and disrespects you constantly, your daughter will grow up disrespecting you too.

YES...and Ive told him this before. But again, he thinks im putting him down and telling him hes a horrible husband and father. I dont know how else to word things with him to make him not think that!

Celeigh12

Yikes. I would think long and hard about what messages your daughter is picking up about what is acceptable communication between a husband and wife. Would you be okay with her taking that kind of verbal abuse from a partner one day because that is "normal" to her?

You aren't asking too much.

PibblesRun

From a guys perspective...or a woman whos been there...do you think maybe showing him this thread and the answers to it will make him realize what hes doing or would it just piss him off? I think the latter probably...

ellenasl210

First of all, if any boyfriend or my future husband would EVER speak to me like that, I would be out the door with my child in 30 minutes. No one deserves to be spoken to like that in any situation what-so-ever. The child cannot speak yet, but if he's speaking like that in front of the child, the child will pick it up and speak like that also.

What you're asking is not too much. I'm in school from 6:30 to 3:30. I come home spend two hours practicing, 1-3 hours on homework, an hour working out, and do all my lessons and activities. The fact that he has an 8-5 and sits on his *kitten* all night is absolutely ridiculous.

I don't mean to bash but your post made me a little angry towards him, my main point is... tell him to change or leave. For the sake of yourself and your child.

TavistockToad

From a guys perspective...or a woman whos been there...do you think maybe showing him this thread and the answers to it will make him realize what hes doing or would it just piss him off? I think the latter probably...

The latter, because he knows that kicking off and shouting and swearing shuts you up... Like a kid having a tantrum to get their own way.

TigressPat

From a guys perspective...or a woman whos been there...do you think maybe showing him this thread and the answers to it will make him realize what hes doing or would it just piss him off? I think the latter probably...

I'd have to say the latter.
You of course know him better than anyone, but he sounds like he has serious anger issues and will feel threatened/emasculated/judged by you posting your problems in public (and also by the support you are getting which is mostly against him)


that said, I have a good friend who is with such a man, and though she is not as intelligent and capable as you, she is pretty much in your situation. She has a 2-3 year old daughter who will not listen to a think she says. The girl ignores her, deliberately flouts her, talks over her, imposes her will on her mom, even says rude things.
The girl does not act like that with anyone else, just her mom, because in her household her mother is the lowest member on the totem.

you might want to think of exist strategies for her sake.
taking verbal abuse from your husband is bad, taking verbal abuse from your husband and child is soul destroying.

buckmeatball

The entire situation is disrespectful IMO. Sad to say but he doesn't sound like he's willing to change for your sake. I'm hoping he loves his daughter more than that. If he does, someone needs to explain to him that this is exactly what she will expect in her future husband. I'd ask him if he wants his daughters husband to throw F bombs around at her all the time. I don't blame you for asking strangers at all.

TigressPat

i also agree with the person who said it's a tantrum, which is why I originally said ignore his self-deprecating rant and have that adult conversation despite him.

It might help. It also might enrage him. Be prepared for both.

MichelleLaree13

In the nicest way possible, it sounds verbally abusive. I cant tolerate being talked to like that, especially not in my own home. Even if he didnt want to do what you asked, he should just politely say he wont do it or it will take 6 months.

FitGoal165

You are not asking too much. However, your hubby has no incentive to change because you have not given him one. He gets to kick back and have a spotless home, disrespect you when you require anything of him, AND he gets s3x when he wants. Where's the downside of this exchange for him? My suggestion is that you express what you want from him in no uncertain terms and stand by it. If he doesn't abide by your wishes, you should start to think about if this is the life that you want for you and your daughter. And not to scare you, but verbal abuse can EASILY escalate into physical abuse. Good luck.

now_or_never12

I would be on strike in a second in that environment. The only thing I would do would be to take care of my child and that is it. I would stop cleaning the house, I would stop making him meals. I wouldn't do his laundry. I wouldn't do a damn thing for someone who abused me in the way your husband is abusing you. Just because he doesn't hit you doesn't mean it isn't abuse. That is crazy mental and emotional abuse. It is wrong and it needs to stop. If you don't stop it your daughter will grow up thinking that is how a woman is supposed to be treated. She will marry someone just like him and the cycle will continue.

If you don't have enough self respect to demand he treat you better, you should have enough love for your daughter to do it.

I have to agree with the above. If he is treating you the way you say he is I would stop doing anything for him. Take care of yourself and your child. If he wants to behave like that than he can wash his own clothes, make his own food, etc. WHy do so much for a man who is disrespecting you so much? I would be gone in two seconds if my husband was like that.

I am between jobs right now and my husband is the one who works. I do some part time work during the days/evening while he is at work. Other than that I spend my time cleaning the house, making the grocery list, cooking dinner/his lunch for the next day, etc. He always says thanks for dinner, or cleaning, or laundry etc. He notices the work I do and I don't ask a lot of him because he is the one working. When I do ask him to do something he will do it. If he forgets and I ask again he doesn't cause a fight over it.

You have a child and when she grows up if you are still with your husband and he is still acting this way she will learn that. She will think it is acceptable in a relationship which it isn't. She will learn it is ok to be treated like that. She will learn that is how a man is supposed to treat their wife/girlfriend. She may even speak to you like that. IF you have more children and a son comes along you don't want him thinking that's how to treat his mother, sister, wife/girlfriend etc.

I would be sitting him down and having a discussion about how his words make you feel. If he isn't willing to change I would be out the door.

The more you put up with something the more he will do it and the worse it will become.

MichelleLaree13

From a guys perspective...or a woman whos been there...do you think maybe showing him this thread and the answers to it will make him realize what hes doing or would it just piss him off? I think the latter probably...

I was unofficially seeing a verbally abusive guy. It turned physically abusive. I said I didnt want to see him anymore. He broke into my home, held me hostage and choked my til I passed out. He stated he dug a grave for me in the desert. I told him it was better than dealing with him. He said he would just keep me locked up until I changed my mind. I had a restraining order and it didnt help. He continued to stalk me. He thought I was wrong for not doing everything he wanted and being happy with him. He thought he wouldnt act like that if I didnt want to leave. I am lucky I am not dead. Showing him a thread like this would have just pushed him further.

earlyxer

No one walks all over you without your permission - if you want it to stop, make it stop. Getting 1,000 strangers on your side on a forum in no way advances that goal.

MichelleLaree13

No one walks all over you without your permission - if you want it to stop, make it stop. Getting 1,000 strangers on your side on a forum in no way advances that goal.

Sometimes it is difficult to stop. I had to get restraining orders, go to court numerous times, move a couple times, change my phone number and change jobs. I didnt go back to him or take his calls. I ignored his threatening texts. I developed PTSD (which I have now recovered).

earlyxer

No one walks all over you without your permission - if you want it to stop, make it stop. Getting 1,000 strangers on your side on a forum in no way advances that goal.

Sometimes it is difficult to stop. I had to get restraining orders, go to court numerous times, move a couple times, change my phone number and change jobs. I didnt go back to him or take his calls. I ignored his threatening texts. I developed PTSD (which I have now recovered).

I understand it's difficult - if it was easy, there wouldn't be a problem. But you have to start stopping, not stop starting.

now_or_never12

From a guys perspective...or a woman whos been there...do you think maybe showing him this thread and the answers to it will make him realize what hes doing or would it just piss him off? I think the latter probably...

I was unofficially seeing a verbally abusive guy. It turned physically abusive. I said I didnt want to see him anymore. He broke into my home, held me hostage and choked my til I passed out. He stated he dug a grave for me in the desert. I told him it was better than dealing with him. He said he would just keep me locked up until I changed my mind. I had a restraining order and it didnt help. He continued to stalk me. He thought I was wrong for not doing everything he wanted and being happy with him. He thought he wouldnt act like that if I didnt want to leave. I am lucky I am not dead. Showing him a thread like this would have just pushed him further.

You need to find a way for him to change his way or leave. The above is a perfect example of what can happen. Sure, he isn't physically abusive now and most women think "Oh he would never do that to me" but you never know. He is obviously extremely angry about something in life and that anger will get bottled up if he doesn't find a way to change his ways.

If he doesn't want to change I think you need to leave before your situation escalates and turns into what the above poster had to endure.

Aviva92

I would be on strike in a second in that environment. The only thing I would do would be to take care of my child and that is it. I would stop cleaning the house, I would stop making him meals. I wouldn't do his laundry. I wouldn't do a damn thing for someone who abused me in the way your husband is abusing you. Just because he doesn't hit you doesn't mean it isn't abuse. That is crazy mental and emotional abuse. It is wrong and it needs to stop. If you don't stop it your daughter will grow up thinking that is how a woman is supposed to be treated. She will marry someone just like him and the cycle will continue.

If you don't have enough self respect to demand he treat you better, you should have enough love for your daughter to do it.

or she will be so turned off by marriage that she won't get married at all. she won't necessarily continue the cycle.

keem88

my fiance pulls the same crap with me. we don't have a child thank god, or i would be stuck doing even more. we both work full time, i am not the cleanest person but i do the dishes, laundry and vacuum, clean the bathroom etc. from what i have found, he has not made a lot of effort change, and will straight up say "i didn't do the dishes" (when he said he would), and then continue to not do them because he is too busy on xbox. we both work full time, so it's like he's not the only one tired. he has started to get alittle better about it though, i really think it is just a man thing (although my dad is not like that at all, he is the one that cleans and does everything, he was raised by his sisters maybe that is why)
i think that it is absolutly riduculous for him to talk to you like that. so what he earns the money, just because you stay at home with your daughter doesn't mean you are the house slave and can be walked all over.
do what i started doing. i stopped making dinner for him, i stopped cleaning and would leave the dishes there for days. if he said anything i would get an attitude with him and not talk to him the rest of the night. he started to realize he was being a complete *kitten*, and even though he still doesn't contribute his full weight to it, he has gotten better.
you need to straight up tell him that he does not own you, and that you do not work for him. if he starts acting up and throwing a tantrum, you need to tell him that if it does not stop you will be leaving with your daughter. you deserve to be trreated like a human being and respected, and you are NOT asking for too much. he needs to grow up, or he will end up alone because no one will want to deal with his crap.
i hope that things work out for you. do you have family or anyone you can stay with if you do have to leave?
and yes, stop being intimate with him. i pulled that too, and i was not "in the mood" for weeks. he is a big boy, he needs to pull his big boy pants up and act like a man, and stop being a baby.
it is very hard to get out of abusive relationships like that, you always want to stay and try to fix it. but it is not worth it, you and your daughter's happiness are so much more important.

mag1c

Wonder how this story would sound if he were the one posting it.

LinaBo

Marriage counselling, or it's over. If he has a full time job with benefits, hopefully there is coverage for counselling. You really need a professional to mediate this issue and set him straight on some things. If you are both legitimately too tired to get the repairs done around the house, then he has to accept hiring outside help... someone has to fix these things, after all. Be prepared, though; these issues are almost never one-sided, and it may come out that there are things about yourself that need to be worked on, too.

You could also learn how to fix some of these things yourself, but when he comes home expecting dinner on the table, you can break it to him that he'll have to make himself a sandwich... because you had to give up the time and energy you would spend on fixing a hot meal to fix a leak or do some other repairs. As a bonus, if he sees that you are becoming more and more capable of doing these things yourself, he might realise that he is becoming less and less necessary in your life... and maybe he'll step up and make himself useful. Still, though, you two need counselling; your husband shows major, inexcusable disrespect towards you...the kind that directly contravenes his marriage vows. As well, he has a lack of understanding of his responsibilities as a husband and father.

besaro

sorry, I know you said you don't want mean comments, but all I could think of while reading this was, doormat.