Am I asking too much?

Siege_Tank

Yeah...I need out. I realize that now as I write all these things down.

I think it's courageous that you can face reality instead of sticking to a bad situation and come up with reasons on why you should stay. It will be hard, but anything worth doing in life is. Staying and letting him teach you how to hate yourself will only destroy you, I applaud your decision.

You are strong, admitting reality is 80% of the battle.

Look at how far you have come with your weight loss, your commitment to excellence, your drive for achievement. You can do this too. If you are worried about the court keeping you in state, use your cell phone to record his name calling and his abuse. With just a few examples for a court to hear they would slap his *kitten* down in no time.

I'm serious. You have to exit, but you have to do it smartly so that other people not familiar with the situation will see him for what he is, a dirty no good filthy disgusting rat. When light is shined into dark places you won't believe what lengths rats go to to look like cute gerbils or hamsters.

RychelleD

There's alot of guys out there that will make you go to sleep and wake up with a smile. :flowerforyou: Was married once before my present hubby. He was abusive, both verbally and physically eventually. We had two kids but I managed to find a job and leave.
You can do it. Im now married to an amazing man and I wonder now, why did I put up with the @sshole before him? Maybe its too make you appreciate when you finally get the one who makes you heart flutter. We have 5 kids combined now, a very hectic life but knowing I have a man who loves. appreciates and supports me makes every day seem wonderful. Best luck to you

MommiLauren

Yeah...I need out. I realize that now as I write all these things down.

I think it's courageous that you can face reality instead of sticking to a bad situation and come up with reasons on why you should stay. It will be hard, but anything worth doing in life is. Staying and letting him teach you how to hate yourself will only destroy you, I applaud your decision.

You are strong, admitting reality is 80% of the battle.

this!!! took me 6yrs to get to this point, dont let it take that long for you...

Graceious1

Like when he punches a hole in the wall...yeah then I yell! Im not perfect but I try my best to be a good wife and mother.

As for dressing...he didnt like it if I dressed in sexy clothes before...he said he didnt want other men eyeing up his wife, my body is for him to see.

These two line stood out for me and I hear massive alarm bells. One day, and I hope I'm wrong, that wall could be you. Please do something. Don't you have any refuges for women near you? Domestic violence doesn't have to mean physical abuse, it also extends to verbal and emotional abuse. I am really surprised that you and he are still intimate especially because of the way he speaks to you. Please save yourself and your daughter.

Alex_is_Hawks

From a guys perspective...or a woman whos been there...do you think maybe showing him this thread and the answers to it will make him realize what hes doing or would it just piss him off? I think the latter probably...

no...nothing makes a person change who doesn't want to change...

showing him the opinions of a bunch of anonymous strangers won't do a thing.

you have to figure this out yourself. either accept what it is....or change it...and if you can't change him...then you either have to change you...such as fixing things yourself.... or change the situation (leave).

it's really just that simple.

allthesefeelings_reclaimed

Guys will do what they want and that's it. You can either accept it or move on. The more you nag him, the more he's going to pull away from you and not do the the things you'd like him to do.

gusnjay

I have to agree with dbkrantz. They way he speaks to you is very disrespectful to a spouse or anybody for that manner. Like you said in your openning paragraph "we don't know you our your husband". It appears to me that you give less importance to your role in your marriage and family than his. Ask him to speak more respectfully to you and give youself more worth.

IslandDreamer64

He could be suffering from depression. It sometimes manifests itself as anger. Also, he really needs a reality check. My DH and I both work a 40 hour week. His job is more physically difficult than mine but he still does all the work around the house that needs to be done. Yes, not always right away when it needs being done, but he does do it. And when I come home I cook, clean, do laundry, grocery shopping, etc. It's called being a responsible adult. He needs to take some time and think about that and how unfair he is being to you.

kittenbobitten

Perhaps you should do couples therapy. Two years ago I would have NEVER suggested that, but about a year ago my boyfriend and I hit a very rocky patch and our relationship was more or less saved by therapy (and our hard work, of course).

Long term that type of relationship, environment and conversation is not good for either of you.

Best of luck to you both!

777Gemma888

First let me start by saying...if you dont have anything nice to say, dont say anything at all. You dont know me, or my husband so theres no harm in me asking an opinion. Ive read threads where people ask marital advice and some people just demean them for asking personal advice on the internet. I have talked to my family sometimes...but there are some things I dont want to ask my family or friends because I dont want them forming negative opinions of my husband. I try to talk to him...but it always ends in a fight because he thinks im telling him hes a piece of ****...which is never my words! I dont know how else to word it as to not offend him.

Ill try and make it short. Im a stay at home mom for our 8 month old girl. I bust my butt all day every day to properly take care of our child and give her a loving home! I make sure our house is spotless, Laundrys done, dinners ready for him when he comes home from work, get up, make his breakfast, pack his lunches, balance the budget, pay the bills, do the shopping I even do the yardwork and take out the trash! I dont ask anything of my husband because he works 8 hours a day to provide for us. And dont get me wrong, I appreciate it...which is why I do all that I do. Im glad I can stay home with our daughter.

The problem...when something is asked of my husband, he wont do whatever needs done for weeks (like house repairs) and I let it go and I dont nag or bug him until a month or more goes by...then Ill ask nicley...hey could you please do this...I get a crappy attitude "I told you Id F ing do it didnt I, do you want me to do it this F ing second?" Well no but its been a while now and it needs done (like trying to find a leak!) not minor stuff sometimes! And then another month goes by still not done. Same thing over and over.

A side job...my husband used to be a contractor so he will do odd jobs on weekends sometimes for people he knows. He went and looked at a roof job 2 months ago! An easy 1,000 dollars...we really need that money for christmas! I asked if he gave her a price yet 2 weeks ago, I get the normal nasty "No, when do you F ing expect me to do it im always F ing busy" (mind you he works a normal 8-5 job) and then comes home and sits in front of the tv the rest of the night. But hes too busy to give her a price to do her roof! So this morning I asked him if he had a chance yet, get the same answer of course. So as nice as I can sound I tell him, well why dont you do it now, your not doing anything? We could really use the money for christmas honey" so I get a "Fine Ill F ing do it now if it will get you to stop Fing nagging me and shut the *kitten* up!" He procedes to scream and stomp out of the house and slam the door right in front of our little girl. Then he comes back in and sits down and still doesnt do it. I could understand if we didnt need the money, I wouldnt care. But I would think he would want to do it so we could get our girl some nice gifts for her first christmas.

Im just baffled and hurt and fed up with this stuff, the laziness and the attitude. (granted hes not lazy when it comes to his normal paying job, and I do appreciate that, and I do tell him that all the time) I dont just ask him to get things done, I also tell him things I love that he does and thank him for all that he does. He thinks because he works and makes money that he doesnt have to do anything else. he makes comments like, I worked all day, im tired. Or on the weekends...its my F ing weekend and im going to relax because I work hard. (hes a maintenance supervisor) I cant get him to understand that when your an adult and have a home and a child your "job" doesnt stop when you punch out of your paying job, i cant get him to take any other responsibilities besides his paying job.

Am I really asking that much??? We still are intimate regularly, at least 5 days a week. So hes not sexually frustrated or lacking intamacy! I think he has it pretty good, or am I expecting too much?

Good afternoon K. My initial reaction - would be - to ease off on the pressure. Naturally, you would know your hubby best. However, from a generalised perspective on my understanding of my man, I wouldn't nag him constantly over a thousand dollars.

If you think about it, abuse aside, and when you focus on the man who is your hubby, who loves you enough to come home to you, eats your cooking and to still be intimate with you, don't you wonder why he is snapping, which seems out of character? I would naturally assume after the 3rd query from you, that the holiday money prospect has gone south. Maybe it didn't pan out the way he wanted. Men who do what he does, on top of their normal workloads, as their source of a side-income, tend to be emotionally-attached to their hobby/skill earning outlets.

Unfortunately, it is a quotation competition game. Some other person possibly out-quoted him. Do you think that it might be a possibility? Don't you think that he is possibly upset, hence the transference of anger to you because it's eating him up - that he can't deliver on the sum, that you so badly desire for your beautiful daughter - this Christmas?

Would you consider making the presents instead? Fabric books. A fabric animal blanket. Animal hoodie towels plus the mittens. Her first Christmas stocking. Her first Christmas ornament. You could even custom wooden counting blocks and the alphabet blocks from the Craft store. Or your husband could even cut the blocks out for you. A doll house is easy to do. He is a contractor. Then you can tell him that it's alright - no pressure on the thousand - you'll make the gifts or possibly offer him the invitation to chip in. And who knows? If the pressure is off - he might just be motivated enough to deliver.

HurricaneElaine

Yeah...I need out. I realize that now as I write all these things down.

I hope you're serious, and I hope you do it safely. I mean this from the bottom of my heart. Take care of yourself and your little girl.

SammyLou28

Look, I have been a stay at home mom before, and it really is a luxury. You are your own boss and basically just need to do things that everyone else does when they come home from work. It is great for the kids though, so it is a position I do respect and think we need more of. When you are working at a job you probably hate though, you come home and you just want to unwind from the crap you have been dealing with. No offense, but you seem like you might be nagging a little much. If you need something repaired, do it yourself, you are home all day anyways. I will give you an example. Our dryer broke when my twins were around 3 yrs old. My husband was in the Army, and I know how much it sucks, because I was in the Army before I became a SAHM. Instead of harassing him about something I knew he would take a month to finally do, I just did it myself. Ordered the part, and did it over a couple days when the kids were napping. Not only are you getting **** done, you are learning too.

I want to put this in perspective for you. If the biggest complaint you have is that he doesn't get home projects done in a speedy manner, you have it pretty good.

Sounds like you both might need a vacation or something.

SammyLou28

I also wanted to add that the way he responds to stress, by yelling and being rude and such, is not very mature. He needs to work on that and learn to communicate more effectively.

sunshine_gem

He refuses counceling because "if I wouldnt make him mad he wouldnt yell and cuss" So its my fault and theres nothing wrong with him.

Yeah...I need out. I realize that now as I write all these things down.

I work as a volunteer on a rape crisis helpline helping survivors of sexual and domestic abuse. That first line is an absolute classic. If YOU hadn't done something to make him mad then he wouldn't have reacted. That is always their defense and the ultimate manipulaion tactic which, when said enough, makes the victim start to believe it. You start to believe that it's all your fault when it's NOT. There are 2 sides to the story and yeah we haven't heard both sides. But no one should be talking to you that way, it is completely unnaceptable. I'm glad that talking about it in this way has helped you to realise what you need to do. I know you said you don't want your family to know and I'm sure there are many reasons for that but you need their help. They may live out of state but I'm sure if you call them and tell them how bad it's got they will come and help you and do everything they can to support you. I'm also in the UK so I don't know what numbers there might be in the US but there are usually free phone numbers of places like rape crisis where you can call and talk to someone completely confidentially and get some advice. Good luck to you!

now_or_never12

Look, I have been a stay at home mom before, and it really is a luxury. You are your own boss and basically just need to do things that everyone else does when they come home from work. It is great for the kids though, so it is a position I do respect and think we need more of. When you are working at a job you probably hate though, you come home and you just want to unwind from the crap you have been dealing with. No offense, but you seem like you might be nagging a little much. If you need something repaired, do it yourself, you are home all day anyways. I will give you an example. Our dryer broke when my twins were around 3 yrs old. My husband was in the Army, and I know how much it sucks, because I was in the Army before I became a SAHM. Instead of harassing him about something I knew he would take a month to finally do, I just did it myself. Ordered the part, and did it over a couple days when the kids were napping. Not only are you getting **** done, you are learning too.

I want to put this in perspective for you. If the biggest complaint you have is that he doesn't get home projects done in a speedy manner, you have it pretty good.

Sounds like you both might need a vacation or something.

He swears at her in front of their daughter, he punches holes in the walls, he is verball abusive. "If the biggest complaint you have is that he doesn't get home projects done in a speedy manner, you have it pretty good" Have you read all her posts???? Would you allow your husband to scream at you, disrespect you, call you names and swear at you in front of your child? Regardless of if she is nagging him to get things done or not is no reason to speak like that to your spouse. HE is in the wrong. She has a lot of things to do during the day while she is home with baby. Sure she can fix things that he isn't but why should he go to work, come home and not have to do anything at all while she works all day everyday????

SammyLou28

Look, I have been a stay at home mom before, and it really is a luxury. You are your own boss and basically just need to do things that everyone else does when they come home from work. It is great for the kids though, so it is a position I do respect and think we need more of. When you are working at a job you probably hate though, you come home and you just want to unwind from the crap you have been dealing with. No offense, but you seem like you might be nagging a little much. If you need something repaired, do it yourself, you are home all day anyways. I will give you an example. Our dryer broke when my twins were around 3 yrs old. My husband was in the Army, and I know how much it sucks, because I was in the Army before I became a SAHM. Instead of harassing him about something I knew he would take a month to finally do, I just did it myself. Ordered the part, and did it over a couple days when the kids were napping. Not only are you getting **** done, you are learning too.

I want to put this in perspective for you. If the biggest complaint you have is that he doesn't get home projects done in a speedy manner, you have it pretty good.

Sounds like you both might need a vacation or something.

He swears at her in front of their daughter, he punches holes in the walls, he is verball abusive. "If the biggest complaint you have is that he doesn't get home projects done in a speedy manner, you have it pretty good" Have you read all her posts???? Would you allow your husband to scream at you, disrespect you, call you names and swear at you in front of your child? Regardless of if she is nagging him to get things done or not is no reason to speak like that to your spouse. HE is in the wrong. She has a lot of things to do during the day while she is home with baby. Sure she can fix things that he isn't but why should he go to work, come home and not have to do anything at all while she works all day everyday????

Check out my second post.

RevNS

First let me say that you are a precious and wonderfully made woman who deserves to be cherished. Period.

What you asked for is to know if you are asking too much. Actually, I think that you are not asking for enough as you deserve his best instead of his worst.

Whenever I hear tremendous anger expressed by a male through foul language I begin to wonder if their is a problem with depression. In men, it more often shows up as anger that is easily provoked toward loved ones rather than sadness, etc.
You are the best person to be able to evaluate if this is a physically based issue, or learned behavior; whether he is purposely controlling you with his anger or if he has used all of his "self control" up at work. Regardless of why he is treating you this way it is NOT acceptable and it may escalate if not dealt with.
Determining the cause will help you figure out what you can or can't do to help this situation. Please take care of yourself and your daughter the best that you can in this tough situation. I hope that you will reach out for help near you. It's not easy, but your strength in this will also teach her.

Blessings and hugs!!!

now_or_never12

Look, I have been a stay at home mom before, and it really is a luxury. You are your own boss and basically just need to do things that everyone else does when they come home from work. It is great for the kids though, so it is a position I do respect and think we need more of. When you are working at a job you probably hate though, you come home and you just want to unwind from the crap you have been dealing with. No offense, but you seem like you might be nagging a little much. If you need something repaired, do it yourself, you are home all day anyways. I will give you an example. Our dryer broke when my twins were around 3 yrs old. My husband was in the Army, and I know how much it sucks, because I was in the Army before I became a SAHM. Instead of harassing him about something I knew he would take a month to finally do, I just did it myself. Ordered the part, and did it over a couple days when the kids were napping. Not only are you getting **** done, you are learning too.

I want to put this in perspective for you. If the biggest complaint you have is that he doesn't get home projects done in a speedy manner, you have it pretty good.

Sounds like you both might need a vacation or something.

He swears at her in front of their daughter, he punches holes in the walls, he is verball abusive. "If the biggest complaint you have is that he doesn't get home projects done in a speedy manner, you have it pretty good" Have you read all her posts???? Would you allow your husband to scream at you, disrespect you, call you names and swear at you in front of your child? Regardless of if she is nagging him to get things done or not is no reason to speak like that to your spouse. HE is in the wrong. She has a lot of things to do during the day while she is home with baby. Sure she can fix things that he isn't but why should he go to work, come home and not have to do anything at all while she works all day everyday????

Check out my second post.

I read your second post. I still however don't agree with the fact that she should stop asking him to do things around the house, that she is nagging him and that she's got it pretty good.

He is abusive. She has a daughter that doesn't need to grow up seeing that. He is a grown man, he knows what is right and what is wrong in terms of communication. He's a bigger idiot than he sounds like if he doesn't realize it's wrong to speak to your wife that way.

What he needs to do is learn to get off his lazy *kitten* and help around the house. He either learns to do that to help out his wife or to keep himself alive when he alone.

PibblesRun

Look, I have been a stay at home mom before, and it really is a luxury. You are your own boss and basically just need to do things that everyone else does when they come home from work. It is great for the kids though, so it is a position I do respect and think we need more of. When you are working at a job you probably hate though, you come home and you just want to unwind from the crap you have been dealing with. No offense, but you seem like you might be nagging a little much. If you need something repaired, do it yourself, you are home all day anyways. I will give you an example. Our dryer broke when my twins were around 3 yrs old. My husband was in the Army, and I know how much it sucks, because I was in the Army before I became a SAHM. Instead of harassing him about something I knew he would take a month to finally do, I just did it myself. Ordered the part, and did it over a couple days when the kids were napping. Not only are you getting **** done, you are learning too.

I want to put this in perspective for you. If the biggest complaint you have is that he doesn't get home projects done in a speedy manner, you have it pretty good.
Sounds like you both might need a vacation or something.

Seriously? For one...I havent the slightest clue how to fix a leaky pipe, or electrical issues and would end up causing more trouble by trying to fix things that I have no clue about. Secondly id love to know how its a luxury to be a stay at home mom? Were you sitting on your *kitten* all day letting the tv babysit your kids or something???? Cause I do ALOT, and its alot of work! Some days I would rather go work at a real job around people my age! But Im glad I get to stay home with my girl. I do everything around this house including the yardwork! I dont care if he doesnt help me with that crap...but once a month he cant fix something that needs fixing that I have no idea how to do?

I used to work...I used to work 50 hours or more a week before we had a baby! And I STILL came home and did my wifley duties and cleaned house, cooked dinner, packed his lunch, did yardwork etc etc etc I had a job, worked more hours than him and still did my share. Your saying its ok for him to sit on his butt and not do anything?

HeidibooJB

Exactly what I was thinking. You are the example for your daughter;
she will look to you to determine how she sould be treated by the opposite sex. Not to mention that she will learn to disrespect you as well. Have you tried getting written free estimates for the work that needs to be done, and leaving them out where he would see them?? Nothing kicks a man in the *kitten* more than the thought that someone else can replace him. And I would be going on strike in the bedroom, to boot, if my husband EVER spoke to me in such an abusive, disrespectful manner.