Am I asking too much?

MichelleLaree13

From a guys perspective...or a woman whos been there...do you think maybe showing him this thread and the answers to it will make him realize what hes doing or would it just piss him off? I think the latter probably...

I was unofficially seeing a verbally abusive guy. It turned physically abusive. I said I didnt want to see him anymore. He broke into my home, held me hostage and choked my til I passed out. He stated he dug a grave for me in the desert. I told him it was better than dealing with him. He said he would just keep me locked up until I changed my mind. I had a restraining order and it didnt help. He continued to stalk me. He thought I was wrong for not doing everything he wanted and being happy with him. He thought he wouldnt act like that if I didnt want to leave. I am lucky I am not dead. Showing him a thread like this would have just pushed him further.

earlyxer

No one walks all over you without your permission - if you want it to stop, make it stop. Getting 1,000 strangers on your side on a forum in no way advances that goal.

MichelleLaree13

No one walks all over you without your permission - if you want it to stop, make it stop. Getting 1,000 strangers on your side on a forum in no way advances that goal.

Sometimes it is difficult to stop. I had to get restraining orders, go to court numerous times, move a couple times, change my phone number and change jobs. I didnt go back to him or take his calls. I ignored his threatening texts. I developed PTSD (which I have now recovered).

earlyxer

No one walks all over you without your permission - if you want it to stop, make it stop. Getting 1,000 strangers on your side on a forum in no way advances that goal.

Sometimes it is difficult to stop. I had to get restraining orders, go to court numerous times, move a couple times, change my phone number and change jobs. I didnt go back to him or take his calls. I ignored his threatening texts. I developed PTSD (which I have now recovered).

I understand it's difficult - if it was easy, there wouldn't be a problem. But you have to start stopping, not stop starting.

now_or_never12

From a guys perspective...or a woman whos been there...do you think maybe showing him this thread and the answers to it will make him realize what hes doing or would it just piss him off? I think the latter probably...

I was unofficially seeing a verbally abusive guy. It turned physically abusive. I said I didnt want to see him anymore. He broke into my home, held me hostage and choked my til I passed out. He stated he dug a grave for me in the desert. I told him it was better than dealing with him. He said he would just keep me locked up until I changed my mind. I had a restraining order and it didnt help. He continued to stalk me. He thought I was wrong for not doing everything he wanted and being happy with him. He thought he wouldnt act like that if I didnt want to leave. I am lucky I am not dead. Showing him a thread like this would have just pushed him further.

You need to find a way for him to change his way or leave. The above is a perfect example of what can happen. Sure, he isn't physically abusive now and most women think "Oh he would never do that to me" but you never know. He is obviously extremely angry about something in life and that anger will get bottled up if he doesn't find a way to change his ways.

If he doesn't want to change I think you need to leave before your situation escalates and turns into what the above poster had to endure.

Aviva92

I would be on strike in a second in that environment. The only thing I would do would be to take care of my child and that is it. I would stop cleaning the house, I would stop making him meals. I wouldn't do his laundry. I wouldn't do a damn thing for someone who abused me in the way your husband is abusing you. Just because he doesn't hit you doesn't mean it isn't abuse. That is crazy mental and emotional abuse. It is wrong and it needs to stop. If you don't stop it your daughter will grow up thinking that is how a woman is supposed to be treated. She will marry someone just like him and the cycle will continue.

If you don't have enough self respect to demand he treat you better, you should have enough love for your daughter to do it.

or she will be so turned off by marriage that she won't get married at all. she won't necessarily continue the cycle.

keem88

my fiance pulls the same crap with me. we don't have a child thank god, or i would be stuck doing even more. we both work full time, i am not the cleanest person but i do the dishes, laundry and vacuum, clean the bathroom etc. from what i have found, he has not made a lot of effort change, and will straight up say "i didn't do the dishes" (when he said he would), and then continue to not do them because he is too busy on xbox. we both work full time, so it's like he's not the only one tired. he has started to get alittle better about it though, i really think it is just a man thing (although my dad is not like that at all, he is the one that cleans and does everything, he was raised by his sisters maybe that is why)
i think that it is absolutly riduculous for him to talk to you like that. so what he earns the money, just because you stay at home with your daughter doesn't mean you are the house slave and can be walked all over.
do what i started doing. i stopped making dinner for him, i stopped cleaning and would leave the dishes there for days. if he said anything i would get an attitude with him and not talk to him the rest of the night. he started to realize he was being a complete *kitten*, and even though he still doesn't contribute his full weight to it, he has gotten better.
you need to straight up tell him that he does not own you, and that you do not work for him. if he starts acting up and throwing a tantrum, you need to tell him that if it does not stop you will be leaving with your daughter. you deserve to be trreated like a human being and respected, and you are NOT asking for too much. he needs to grow up, or he will end up alone because no one will want to deal with his crap.
i hope that things work out for you. do you have family or anyone you can stay with if you do have to leave?
and yes, stop being intimate with him. i pulled that too, and i was not "in the mood" for weeks. he is a big boy, he needs to pull his big boy pants up and act like a man, and stop being a baby.
it is very hard to get out of abusive relationships like that, you always want to stay and try to fix it. but it is not worth it, you and your daughter's happiness are so much more important.

mag1c

Wonder how this story would sound if he were the one posting it.

LinaBo

Marriage counselling, or it's over. If he has a full time job with benefits, hopefully there is coverage for counselling. You really need a professional to mediate this issue and set him straight on some things. If you are both legitimately too tired to get the repairs done around the house, then he has to accept hiring outside help... someone has to fix these things, after all. Be prepared, though; these issues are almost never one-sided, and it may come out that there are things about yourself that need to be worked on, too.

You could also learn how to fix some of these things yourself, but when he comes home expecting dinner on the table, you can break it to him that he'll have to make himself a sandwich... because you had to give up the time and energy you would spend on fixing a hot meal to fix a leak or do some other repairs. As a bonus, if he sees that you are becoming more and more capable of doing these things yourself, he might realise that he is becoming less and less necessary in your life... and maybe he'll step up and make himself useful. Still, though, you two need counselling; your husband shows major, inexcusable disrespect towards you...the kind that directly contravenes his marriage vows. As well, he has a lack of understanding of his responsibilities as a husband and father.

besaro

sorry, I know you said you don't want mean comments, but all I could think of while reading this was, doormat.

Aviva92

Wonder how this story would sound if he were the one posting it.

just as bad. there are plenty of women who verbally abuse their husbands as well. both are detrimental to the kids involved.

Jeliwood

First, let me start with this...

YOU teach people how you wanted to be treated. You are allowing him to speak you to you in an unacceptable manner. Do you wish your daughter to speak like that? Or even worse, do you want your daughter to be spoken to like that? Think of it like this... would you want your daughter to date a man like her father? I can promise you the answer is no. First start by telling him if you speak to me like this again, I will leave. If you spoke to an employee like that enough they could sue you for harassment. I am not an employee, I am your wife and you will show me the respect I am entitled too because of all the work to make your life easier. If you don't stop then I will. No more breakfasts, lunches, or dinners whenever you expect it. No perfect house. I will take care of myself and my daughter and allow you to take care of yourself.

I'm a stay at home mom too. My husband works 12 hour days. He still has things he has to do at home. I don't nag, but I do ask. He knows I ask because it has to be done. He knows I enjoy cooking, but I enjoy it far less when there are tons of dishes to be done. So, what does he do? He does the dishes while I make dinner. That's because he loves and respects me and knows he gets more of what he wants and needs if some of my needs are taken care of by him.

I don't think it's true that he won't change. He will change if he's given the proper motivation and shown that his behavior no longer benefits him. For now, his behavior benefits him. He gets exactly what he wants now. The "reward" must outweigh the other option to try to act in a way to get it. Humans are animals and we're simple. We, of course, always want the reward and our behavior reflects that. Right now he gets everything he wants on a silver platter... why would he want that to change? Why would he want to work harder? Think about it.

You have done nothing wrong, but perhaps you're going about it the wrong way to get what you want. A lot of women want a nice home and we tend to put everyone else first to achieve it. That vision, that dream, is worth a lot to us. Obviously if you're on here, you've put some of your own needs to the side. He is putting your needs first. Perhaps it's time for you to put your need, and you child's, first.

xo_Sarah_xo

Been there, done that.
The person who said he's not going to change is right.
you have few options:
1- live with it.
2- stop cleaning the house and cooking him dinner and start teaching yourself to be handy so you can fix the toilet yourself (there are some good books out there)
3- try to have that conversation "this is what I do, this is what I need YOU to do" if he turns it into a self- loathing rant either ignore him and proceed or suggest he fix his self esteem and anger issues, grow the f--- up and act like and adult.
4- leave.

you sound like you have a great head on your shoulders, in the end, you can probably do better, and do you really need this sh-t?

guys don't change. If they think bringing home the bacon entitles them to put their feet up and bark at you to get them a beer all weekend before you are married, that's what you will get after.

that said, In this case using the forum as a sounding board is probably a good thing. you need to also find ways to deal with your frustration if you choose to stay in the situation, and talking to friends who know both of you is not usually a good thing. But don;t expect an answer here, there isn't one, only more questions which only you can answer.
You Husband has issues that have nothing to do with you, and sometimes it's just not worth the work, but only you can make that choice.

good luck!

This is perfect...I couldn't have said it better myself. I was you up until 2 weeks ago. You described my husband to a tee (sp?). 2 weeks ago I packed my 2 little girls up and I left. All of a sudden he realizes that he loves me, blah, blah....

You have several options as listed in the quote above. Only you can make the decision....

frosty73

Sounds like HE has major self-esteem issues, and yells at you to deflect attention from himself.
You have a beautiful daughter with him, so I would think long and hard before leaving him.
I started reading "The Peoplemakers" by Virginia Satir which is a terrific book on how to make a loving family environment. However, it is very very difficult to change yourself, and impossible to change someone else. If counselling is an option, that would definitely be my first choice. Even if he won't go with you, you would get a lot out of it going by yourself.

weightnomore33

Hire someone to do the work. 1. The work gets done. 2. He sees that his hard earned money goes out the door in trade for being a couch potato. 3. You quit talking about it. See how that works. What have you got to lose.

emaren

A great deal changes when a man becomes a parent.

Some guys take to it really wonderfully and some of us, well, some of us just wonder what the heck happened. We are no longer number one, we suddenly have no cash in our pocket, with all of the available funds being spent on your partners new obsession. We have no life outside of work and the escapism of the TV....

It really, truly becomes unlivable, in some ways I suspect that he realizes that if he does go out and bust his balls fixing a roof, he will see none of that $1000 and worse, you are pushing him to do it.

Then there is the physical changes, when women have babies, well, they change, they get bigger and they dress like momies, not like the younger, flirty, FUN girl that you marry. Remember the one with the skin tight jeans that you played pool with ?

It is impossible to explain it all, but it sounds to me like he is jealous and probably feels that his only role is to make money to spend on the object of his jealousy.

Oh and yes, counseling is my suggestion too

RushBabe214

No, I don't think you're asking too much.

No need to play games by "going on strike". And I wouldn't bother showing him this thread so he can see what a bunch of strangers on the internet think of his asshattery. The only opinion he should care about is yours.

My approach would be more direct. If he is not taking care of household repairs and you are not equipped to do them, I would hire someone who will. Easy peasy.

I am more horrified by the way he speaks to you though. I would have nipped that in the bud a long time ago.

smantha32

Sorry I can't say anything nice.. he sounds lazy, verbally abusive and immature.

And it sounds like you're overcompensating with your work around the house to keep his abusive backlash at a minimum.
I think you're doing too much and he isn't doing enough.

dmnj33

I would sit around and do nothing. wait for him to start asking questions. Then you can tell him when I have a F in second. I know it's not the right way but he should not talk to you that way.

ctalimenti

Call a repair man. That'll get his attention.