Needing to "Vent" - HELP!

photogal375

I just need to "vent" and would love some great advice. I'm not even sure where to begin....

A couple of nights ago my husband sat me down and told me that he does not want me to lose weight. He wants me to stay the way I am. I am 5'7.. 210 lbs and still losing. When we first met I was a size 20.... I am now a size 16 and working at getting down to a 12. Who knows... once I get to the 12 if I want to lose more I will.

Last night he shared with me that if I were to lose anymore weight that we are going to have to talk divorce. Are you serious??!! We have been married close to 10 years and I have been thru hell and back with this man. I have supported him through all of his ups and downs and I can't get any support for weight loss.

I'm seriously upset with this! I'm not stopping my weightloss/lifechange. This is me and he needs to accept me for me.

I could seriously use some great advice and friendships out there! Thanks so much for listening!

EvilShenanigansTX

Is he afraid that if you lose weight you will leave him? I know some men are insecure that if their woman becomes more 'desirable' that they will find a new partner and leave. He may be feeling insecure about the changes you are making and may need reassurance that you love him and will be with him no matter what. A therapist or marriage counselor may be able to help, too.

My other thought is that he may just like bigger gals. Has he ever said anything like that?

tmauck4472

Then you need to tell him exactly what you told us. Remind him that you supported him thru all his bad boy days and you expect the same from him.

I'd also tell him to hit the door now because your not going to stop getting healthy just because he has issues..

Also keep in mind that some men just like fuller women and he may be that kind of man, or he may just be insecure and fearful that you will leave him if your skinny, because in his head you can get any man you want then and you won't have to *settle* for him.

Sounds like you need to get to the bottom of the matter but in the end you have to do what you have to do for you and he'll have to get over it....or not.

brittanyholocker

I am by no means a marriage expert (22 and married since 2009) but there could be a lot of reasons for his actions. You have every right to be upset-this is a major journey that you have set out on to better yourself and he is asking you to stop. I think you should talk to him more about why he is saying these things. After 10 years I wouldn't think divorce is a word thrown around lightly in conversation. Perhaps there are other factors playing into his decision and he is using your weight-loss as a way out, sort of transferring the "blame" onto you. Or, maybe your success has led him to feel a little insecure about himself or his life. Maybe he is jealous of the things you are accomplishing and is angry with himself for not working harder towards his own goals. Finally, I understand that a husband should love you regardless of your size and always focus on your internal beauty, but facts are facts. There are certain things that a man likes to see and that get his attention. By this I mean that when you guys first met, he was attracted to you, and when you married he married the "old" you. He liked you at your bigger size and that is the person he was marrying, not a slimmed down version of you.

I am not in any way saying this is your fault, just trying to offer a different perspective on things. I would definitely talk with him more and try to understand where he is coming from. Also, think of the bigger picture-how much does this man mean to you? Are you willing to maintain your current weight and compromise with him instead of walking away from a 10 year marriage? You can still eat healthy and maintain your curves, or tone up your muscles and not lose any weight.

Yolanda4160

Is he afraid that if you lose weight you will leave him? I know some men are insecure that if their woman becomes more 'desirable' that they will find a new partner and leave. He may be feeling insecure about the changes you are making and may need reassurance that you love him and will be with him no matter what. A therapist or marriage counselor may be able to help, too.

My other thought is that he may just like bigger gals. Has he ever said anything like that?

This is exactly what I was thinking as well. What did you say when he told you that? So many husbands react to change differently that you never really know the reasoning behind it until you ask. My husband came out and asked me if I was cheating or trying to leave him when I started losing the weight. Once I made it clear to him that it was a health decision- nothing more nothing less- he was supportive. If you are serious about sticking with it, I would encrouage you to sit and have a serious talk to him about it and voice your side of it. Find out exactly why he feels that way. Good luck-- we are all here to support you :flowerforyou:

wibutterflymagic

Is he afraid that if you lose weight you will leave him? I know some men are insecure that if their woman becomes more 'desirable' that they will find a new partner and leave. He may be feeling insecure about the changes you are making and may need reassurance that you love him and will be with him no matter what. A therapist or marriage counselor may be able to help, too.

My other thought is that he may just like bigger gals. Has he ever said anything like that?

I agree with all of this. The other thing I'm wondering is if he is also a larger person. Is he large and wants to loose weight but isn't or won't try?? If so, maybe he's seeing your sucess as his failure. I agree, that I think talking to someone about what the issues really are is the first place to start. Then if things don't change all I can say is that you have to do what is best for you. If you aren't happy being the size you are then you need to make the change even if it means he leaves. If the person you thought was there for you, there to support you, love you for you isn't doing those things then he really wasn't the one for you in the first place. It's very difficult, but you being happy about you is important in a relationship. If you don't change and stay, you will probably come to resent him and that will eventually kill the relationship anyways.

I wish you all the best.

msshiraz

I just need to "vent" and would love some great advice. I'm not even sure where to begin....

A couple of nights ago my husband sat me down and told me that he does not want me to lose weight. He wants me to stay the way I am. I am 5'7.. 210 lbs and still losing. When we first met I was a size 20.... I am now a size 16 and working at getting down to a 12. Who knows... once I get to the 12 if I want to lose more I will.

Last night he shared with me that if I were to lose anymore weight that we are going to have to talk divorce. Are you serious??!! We have been married close to 10 years and I have been thru hell and back with this man. I have supported him through all of his ups and downs and I can't get any support for weight loss.

I'm seriously upset with this! I'm not stopping my weightloss/lifechange. This is me and he needs to accept me for me.

I could seriously use some great advice and friendships out there! Thanks so much for listening!

What reasons did he give you for this? Did he explain himself? I wonder, are there men who are looking at you, perhaps making comments and he is feeling threatened? It appears he may be threatened in one way or another. He may like to comfortable of your relationship before. He may as said before- like you as a plus size. Is he also overweight?
There was a thread on here recently about a woman who is also on her weight loss journey, who was introduced to a heavier man. Normally she liked this, but he was really heavy, and since her lifestyle changes, she wants to get healthy. Thru the friend who set up the date, she found out there was no interest on his end to lose weight or be healthy.

If he is talking divorce, something more is threatening him, and you both may benefit from counseling, or from even a mediation with a friend who is neutral. This should not be a reason for divorce. There is a deeper issue here, a threat to him and it would be great if he can communicate this. Fortunately- you have some time, your not going to lose it fast anyway right? I'd keep doing what you are doing, and focus on how to help him understand that this is a benefit for you family and your relationship.





Side note- I have a serious problem going on with a sibling who is completely unsupportive of my weight loss. I hear more negative from her, and my daughter (love them all, want them to be healthy too) but this isn't going to go away for me either. I know they get frustrated when I make food choices, like when they try to push food, and I have to tell them, sorry I just don't want to work that off, but thank you!! Its caused a rift for sure- and a lot of jealousy and insecurity which I hate- I teach fitness classes (have for 2 years- also majorly hated by my sister), so I want to help everyone be more fit.

ashleydmassey

What a tough situation for you! I am sorry to hear this is even an issue for anyone.

I've been married over 14 years so I know the commitment and loyalty to marriage. I also understand the ups and downs that you have already endured and you don't want those years to seem as though they were for nothing.

However. Extra weight can and does create health problems, not for him but for you! Your heart has to work harder. Your joints take so much more strain. Every part of your physical body strains from extra weight. That's the physical aspect. Then there are the emotional issues suffered from extra weight: depression for instance. Depression and stress from being overweight will create even more health issues for you.

Your husband has to realize that your well-being is of high importance. Divorce isn't an issue when it comes to your life. In order to be a better wife, you have to be a better you, or you can run yourself ragged and suffer greatly!

I'm flabbergasted and am having an unusually tough time forming the words that I want to say to help you. Makes me want to give you a big hug!!! You must look out for yourself first on this particular issue. It's not a case of demanding jewelry for his sacrifice. It's not something you are selfishly expecting. Losing weight is completely selfless because you become so much better off for everyone. You must take care of your health first. Maybe he will see how much happier you are, how much more vibrant you are, when you lose your weight, and he will decide he can't keep his hands off you. You never know. But regardless, you can't put your health on the backburner for anybody or any circumstance. You only get one body, and that's the only definite here.

jeme3

My husband has not been wholly supportive of my weight loss and healthier lifestyle, but he's getting there.

For him, I know the issues. He does the cooking and shopping for the family, and takes it as a slight to his ability to provide for the family when I won't/don't eat what he has prepared, or when I question him about how he is preparing something, or ask him to fix something a certain way. And he HATES it when I shop, or want to go with him. He actually YELLED at me in front of a friend because I wanted to weigh my portion of dinner one night. I held my ground, and we talked about it three days later, and he apologized to me for the whole incident.

He is also very overweight (100lbs?) and I think in his mind if we're both fat it's okay, but if I'm not, then I'm criticizing him some how.

There have been a couple times when we have had serious discussions about the situation, but I think he's finally getting it.

I am making changes because I am concerned about my health, I want to be healthier, and I like being active. And I mean it- I am going to eat better and exercise more for myself. This is about me.

Of course, I would like for him to do the same, but I know he's got to get there on his own.

flechero

More often than not, the real issue is something other than what the fight is about. I would guess that if you said "OK, I'll stop losing weight"- it would not take long for the next ultimatum to be thrown down.

In that scenario, he might have actually chosen to use weight loss as his line in the sand, knowing you wouldn't be willing to change on that issue. I would look him in the eye and ask what the real issue is or if he's just looking for a way out.

I feel for you and hope you get to the core of this, fast.

wheldar

Hello. Looking at the replies, I can see that most agree on one main thread...once you lose the weight you want to, he might be afraid you might leave him for someone else. Then again, he might just like a heavier woman. It is hard to say what 'imprints' us for the people we see as desireable as partners. I believe you should let him know that you are doing this to have a more healthier lifestyle and better longivety. This also means, more time with him to grow old together. The longer we live, the more time we have to love each other. Possibly some counseling to enlighten him to your journey to becoming healthy. Unless, you are getting healthy to move on, then do so. This is a hard one and I hope you can find the answer you are seeking here. Best of luck and keep going, looks like you have come quite a ways and no need to stop now.

larrylawrencee

I think he may be worried that the thinner you get the more men will notice you. He may be insecure and afraid you'll trade him in for a new model. I say keep losing the weight girl cause you are worth it!!!

GGJane

Wow! I am new here, and just saw this post. So sorry husband is not supportive of your weight loss. Good job by the way! I agree with several of the others, he is afraid you might look so good more men will notice you, or you may leave. Insecurity. Yoy have to do what is healthy for you. That should be priority. Blessings to you.

PrettyGirlPayton

Wow...I have heard men get a little jealous because more men will want them. But as far as a divorce????? whoa! Because you are losing weight and want a healthy lifestyle.Please don't stop losing weight.. You won't have to worry about self esteem or health issues. You will feel great inside and out..As far as your husband goes, he is very insecure... It's sad how insecure he is... tell him exactly what you told us. And figure out why he is that way. Have you guys ever talked about his past with family,school,and romance???? May I suggest a marriage counselor? Good luck

cmriverside

Talk to him about this.


Is he large too?

Are you spending a lot of time talking about it? Stressing over it? Obsessing over calories? Trying to get him to exercise with you? It may get exhausting if he is having to deal with any of this. Just lose the weight and don't talk about it. He can't really stop you.

TrishaCisneros

First of all CONGRATS ON THE WEIGHT LOSS!!!! That's awesome, DON'T QUIT!!!

As for your husband, it's a shame he doesn't support this and is threatening divorce. I agree with what's been said here. He may be feeling insecure about you having a new body, or maybe he likes bigger girls. Maybe he sees your loss as a failure for himself weight wise. My uncle recently started losing weight and my aunt was convinced he was having an affair because all the years they were together, he never wanted to lose weight. You never know what makes people tick. Sit down and talk to him and tell him why this is important for you and reassure him that you aren't going anywhere. I wish you the best of luck!!!

photogal375

First of all, a HUGE THANKS to all of you taking the time to reply. I appreciate it so very much!

We had a very long talk today and I have gotten down to the bottom of his reasoning. A couple of weeks back we had a job-related dinner with his co-workers. Long story short... the guys were coming up to him at work and making comments about how lucky he was and etc... Guys just being guys my hubby said. He told me that he doesn't want other men looking at me and so on. He is very uncomfortable with that.

He is 10 years older than I and yes he is overweight himself. Teddy-Bear type. I have NEVER nor will ever comment on his weight. I love him for him. I do the cooking and for the last few months have been cooking healthier and he hasn't complained once. As a matter of fact, I have gotten compliments from him. So....

Without going into writing a novel (haha) His answer to me is that he doesn't want me to lose weight because he doesn't want other men looking at me. He is very insecure with this.

I've assured him that I'm going no where yet I cannot keep myself heavy just to make him happy. That I need to take care of myself. He knows where I stand. He still stands his ground and asks that I do not lose another inch. He does not want to live being insecure.

So, for now, that's where things stand. Again, thank you to all of you for your replies and support.

Restybaby2012

..........and here I was already with a good solid reply and y'all found the answer you needed and were looking for



................congrats

kmkgurl

Maybe he feels insecure about himself and he wants you to feel bad about urself to make him feel better.He's being very selfish and not thinking about you. Have you asked him what his reason was? Maybe he doesnt want you that skinny because thats not what hes attracted to, but seriously i think you should sit down with him and tell him how you feel about the whole situation and tell him that its unfair to be treated that way when you are trying to be happy and healthy with yourself. If he cant except that maybe its a sign that hes a big a hole. "you do you boo boo you do you"..-chris heart. lol

brittanyholocker

Glad you were able to talk with him and figure out why he was saying those things, even if he didn't give you the answer you were hoping for. Good luck, hope everything turns out for the best

Jennifer076

He doesn't want to live being insecure, and you don't want to live with being over weight. He needs to turn what the guys at his work are saying to him about you into a positive thing. He needs to remember that he is lucky for having you, and those guys don't. He should be proud of you and showing you off. Is he controlling at all? If not I could see that being another issue in the future when you continue to lose weight. He is not going to want you out of his site b/c of fear of other men looking at you. Which is going to lead to bigger problems. I hope it doesn't but it is possible. I wish you the best of luck, and don't let him win, keep losing the weight and be healthy.