Needing to "Vent" - HELP!

cebreisch

I was going to suggest that you have a sit down meeting with him and find out what was the root cause of his being insecure.

He needs to accept that there are things in this world that do not revolve around his insecurities, and he cannot control how other people see you. He shouldn't even be trying to control your efforts to lose weight!

You can take steps to reassure him that you aren't losing weight for the attention, but to get into better shape. But ultimately, he needs to man up and support your efforts.

Please don't let him derail your efforts due to his insecurities. His reasons for being insecure and not wanting you to lose weight are not valid, nor are they based on sound, reasonable thinking.

(My apologies if this sounds a little harsh - my family has been bothering me to get the lap-band surgery even though I've lost 106 pounds on my own, they still all think I need to do it because they have no confidence that I'll be able to get to goal weight or maintain the weight loss without it. I cannot and WILL NOT do surgery because THEY are afraid of what MIGHT or MIGHT NOT happen. Likewise, you should not quit your journey because HE is insecure and afriad of what might or might not happen.)

msshiraz

He doesn't want to live being insecure, and you don't want to live with being over weight. He needs to turn what the guys at his work are saying to him about you into a positive thing. He needs to remember that he is lucky for having you, and those guys don't. He should be proud of you and showing you off. Is he controlling at all? If not I could see that being another issue in the future when you continue to lose weight. He is not going to want you out of his site b/c of fear of other men looking at you. Which is going to lead to bigger problems. I hope it doesn't but it is possible. I wish you the best of luck, and don't let him win, keep losing the weight and be healthy.

"LIKE"!!

Well congrats again, you must look fantastic! I am glad you are talking, and he is willing to talk, but maybe the direction you need to go in with this is that you want to live a long healthy life, and feel good. Focus on the healthy aspects of weight loss (sounds like you are). There have been several studies done on how to calculate ones true age based on their physical makeup, weight, diet, habits, ect.

I am glad he had a chance to share what happened, hope you can keep talking, and possibly some counseling as a last resort. This also comes down to trust, he has to trust that you are true to him, regardless of weight, looks as you know know he is to you.
I would not compromise my health in any way, or stop taking care of ourselves. The best parents, spouses, friend or family we can be to one who cares for themselve, does their best to be as healthy as possible. Maybe you need to talk about his health, and how health and fitness is now a part of your life, you'd like it to be his too, if he wants to, but no way do not compromise on this. Its a very selfish demand to expect one to stop getting healthy due to their own insecurities. His insecurity is his issue, you can reassure, but you can't live for someones fear of what you know will not happen.
You have tons of support here, and I hope you and your husband can work thru this and see this is good for all

Fozzi43

Sounds insecure to me :huh:

You do it for YOU...surely a healthier wife is a sexier wife? And healthy will alway beat fat.

Heitor70

I am a 38M married and two wonderful children. I would be so happy if my wife joined me trying to live a healthier lifestyle, yet, she does not want to. As frustrating as that is there is absolutely no way in this world I would ever even be close to think about divorce. It does not seem possible that your being healthier and working out are plausible grounds for divorce. Your decision of taking care of yourself is a positive symptom of something much deeper, beautiful and better for you. His objection to it is also a symptom of something else, the "tip of the iceberg" if you will of a hidden frustration and sadness. Basically, the opposite of what inspires you. If your are religious pray together and continue talking and persuade him to abandon the hyperbole.

animatorswearbras

I would've had a tad more sympathy with him if he didn't want you to lose so you kept your curves although I think your soulmate should love you no matter what size you are, and throwing the word divorce in there stings as much as if a guy said stop gaining weight or I'll divorce you. But not letting you lose weight so other guys don't like you and effectively trapping you with him is 10 times worse especially since you're not doing it for other guys. I'm sorry but that's a mean *kitten* reason for someone not letting the person they love get healthy and also very controlling to emotionally blackmail you with divorce.

I hope you continue and I hope he get's over it and it's just a silly phase. xxxxx

yoovie

poor guy. no privacy.

Mad_Dog_Muscle

WoW!! WTF!! I can only guess that he doesnt want you to lose weight for fear of you no longer needing him and leaving him. Some people have this psychological thing going on that they cant handle their partner making significant changes. As guys, we tend to joke around with "You can lose weight but just dont lose the boobs"..... Ok, maybe not joking, we never want to see the boobs shrink, but thats another psychological problem I wont get into..... But wow, Good luck with this one.

Danny_Boy13

I do not understand why a person would not be supportive of another that wants to better themselves. There is some other under lying issue here IMO.

cmriverside

I'm glad you talked to him.

It is mean to use "divorce" in any context. That should not come up in any marriage. He's flirting with danger. I agree that counseling is in order should this come up again.

MissKitty9

Is it possible he has a thing for larger women? I mean, you said when you guys met, you were a size 20. There is such a thing as those who fetishize "fat" people, & maybe for him, it feels as if you're turning the tables. Like how most guys would be upset if they married a size 6 & then, over the years, she grew to a size 18 (or something)

Equally shallow, IMO, but this is something nobody has mentioned yet, so thought I'd throw it out there

mackzaj

Oh, dear. I'm so sorry this is happening to you and your husband. That level of insecurity is terribly difficult to live with.

I think that as you lose, you will prove you're not going anywhere, but that might not be enough for him. At which point, the only thing I can suggest is counseling for both of you, but particularly your husband to get to the root of the insecurity and give him coping strategies that don't include ending the marriage. He needs to see the benefits of you being healthier, not just the shallow "other guys notice her" thing. Also, I find men aren't just attracted physically (although, VS models..lol) but they get a vibe. I'm sure you're a delight and you're getting more confidence (which are all good things for your husband) which is attractive as well.

BCSMama

Wow, I don't mean to sound harsh, but wow. Basically he seems to be saying that he prefers you stay heavy and "less desirable" so that his buddies won't find you as attractive?! I think you guys need some marriage counseling, especially your husband. On a personal level, the fact that he's threatening you with divorce over this is absurd. Does he not take his marriage vows seriously?! Does he not think you took/take yours seriously?! Or did his vows include "till death do us part, or she gets down to a healthy weight and other men find her attractive"?

I'm sorry, I can sympathize with his feelings and do believe you guys should work together to make him feel comfortable with your new look including seeking counseling. However, for him to threaten divorce for such a thing really makes me question how seriously he takes his marriage vows.

metacognition

I'm sorry to hear that.

If this man wants you to be at a specific weight is it worth devoting your life to him? Only you know the answer.

Are there issues other than the weight loss and he is simply using this as an excuse to put his foot down? A lot of partners are insecure. They feel jealous or threatened if their spouses or girlfriends lose weight. Maybe he is afraid that you will not be attracted to him anymore, or will be hit up by other men. Or maybe he is being selfish and is attracted to larger women. But he should support your goal of being healthy no matter what. What kind of person doesn't support a healthy life for their spouse?

I have never heard of a normal scenario where a man or woman threatens divorce over a healthy weight loss plan. This sounds completely overblown. Has he stated why he is opposed to the weight loss? Is he overweight himself?

Don't accept less for yourself. Maybe your husband is a great guy, but just has crippling insecurities.

But I have seen good women throw away years to partners who aren't really worth it. My aunt did, and her useless husband walked out on her and the children, and drove around the country with his new, slim girlfriend. Nasty fellow.

MinnieInMaine

I feel really sorry for the OP's husband that he can't take a compliment well. Instead of being proud of having such a great atractive wife, he feels so threatened that he resorts to asking her to risk her health and stay heavy so that he doens't have to live with this jealousy because of his twisted views. Look, I get jealousy...I've got a huge green monster in my head...but for the most part I've learned to control it because I love and trust my husband and know that no matter how many women he might glance at or how many women might flirt with him that he's going to come home to me every night and not even consider straying.

OP, sounds like maybe you and your hubs need some counseling to work on communication and trust issues...

Good luck hon. Keep taking care of yourself and I hope things get better between the two of you!

stubbysticks

I'm glad you were able to get to the root of why he said this, i.e. his insecurity. However, you are not responsible for his feelings & you should never EVER make a decision because of how someone else feels about it. Sounds like you are committed to your efforts & I applaud that. Stick to it. It would be a crying shame for him to leave you because he can't deal with his own baggage, but the alternative would be you abandoning your positive efforts then feeling worse about yourself. No man is worth doing that to yourself, no matter how awesome he is. If he truly loves you he wants you to be happy with yourself.

The sad part is that you can't make him get over this if his insecurities are so extreme he's willing to leave his marriage. All you can do is what is best for YOU & just you. If he does decide to leave, he will repeat the cycle with another woman who will either concede to remaining unattractive enough to avoid attention from other men, or leave him. Either way, at least it won't be you.

Sorry you're going through this, do what you need to do to detach from whatever he's going through & stay focused on being the best you possible. That's the only way you can guarantee that at least you'll be ok. If you have to make a decision about the situation, you'll know what to do when it's time to do it. For now, try not to stress too much about it & try to be compassionate to this person who is obviously struggling with his own self-worth. This isn't about you, it's about him, so the less personally you take this, the easier it will be for you to deal with.

Hang in there!

Gemalar

I read that your hubby is "teddy bear like" and I know that you dont wanna mention his weight, but maybe you could try including him in your workouts or something. If he feels more involved he may not feel as insecure and also gain some confidence himself. I know when I have had people close to me go through big life changes, I have sometimes felt like an outsider. maybe this is adding to your guys insecurities.

Hope things work out for you x

GeekGirl23

Maybe he is jealous. That you are losing weight and he's not (assuming he's overweight). Maybe he's only attracted to "bigger" women? He's got to give you more to go on then what he's stated.

Or Maybe he's just looking for an excuse to control you so that he has an excuse to "look" elsewhere and still have you.

Too many open ended questions on this one.

My husband supports me 100% and he just the other day told me he is so happy I'm losing... not because I'm looking better and will be around longer... but that I seem "Happier" then I have been in years. It's true I am and nothing is going to stop me now!

OBXbound4me

Is he afraid that if you lose weight you will leave him? I know some men are insecure that if their woman becomes more 'desirable' that they will find a new partner and leave. He may be feeling insecure about the changes you are making and may need reassurance that you love him and will be with him no matter what. A therapist or marriage counselor may be able to help, too.

My other thought is that he may just like bigger gals. Has he ever said anything like that?

This. He may be worried if you lose you will find another or he could just like bigger women. I know I do but would support my wife no matter what weight she wanted to be unless it was unhealthy.

LainMac

Gee, does he think with the weight that you are losing that you'll be losing your moral compass as well? I think a little bit of couple and lots of individual therapy (for him) is advisable.

In not so many words he said "You'll only with me because you are fat and can't "do better" and once you are skinnier, you'll drop me like a hot potato."

That is pretty insulting.

penith113

I'm glad he was honest with you. You will have to decide what to do with that information now.
It would not fly with me for my husband to be that insecure or to "threaten" me with divorce for no other reason than improving my health. In my opinion, in a healthy relationship, your husband would be proud of you for looking and feeling better.

I wish you the best of luck with whatever you chose to do.