Needing to "Vent" - HELP!

mackzaj

Oh, dear. I'm so sorry this is happening to you and your husband. That level of insecurity is terribly difficult to live with.

I think that as you lose, you will prove you're not going anywhere, but that might not be enough for him. At which point, the only thing I can suggest is counseling for both of you, but particularly your husband to get to the root of the insecurity and give him coping strategies that don't include ending the marriage. He needs to see the benefits of you being healthier, not just the shallow "other guys notice her" thing. Also, I find men aren't just attracted physically (although, VS models..lol) but they get a vibe. I'm sure you're a delight and you're getting more confidence (which are all good things for your husband) which is attractive as well.

BCSMama

Wow, I don't mean to sound harsh, but wow. Basically he seems to be saying that he prefers you stay heavy and "less desirable" so that his buddies won't find you as attractive?! I think you guys need some marriage counseling, especially your husband. On a personal level, the fact that he's threatening you with divorce over this is absurd. Does he not take his marriage vows seriously?! Does he not think you took/take yours seriously?! Or did his vows include "till death do us part, or she gets down to a healthy weight and other men find her attractive"?

I'm sorry, I can sympathize with his feelings and do believe you guys should work together to make him feel comfortable with your new look including seeking counseling. However, for him to threaten divorce for such a thing really makes me question how seriously he takes his marriage vows.

metacognition

I'm sorry to hear that.

If this man wants you to be at a specific weight is it worth devoting your life to him? Only you know the answer.

Are there issues other than the weight loss and he is simply using this as an excuse to put his foot down? A lot of partners are insecure. They feel jealous or threatened if their spouses or girlfriends lose weight. Maybe he is afraid that you will not be attracted to him anymore, or will be hit up by other men. Or maybe he is being selfish and is attracted to larger women. But he should support your goal of being healthy no matter what. What kind of person doesn't support a healthy life for their spouse?

I have never heard of a normal scenario where a man or woman threatens divorce over a healthy weight loss plan. This sounds completely overblown. Has he stated why he is opposed to the weight loss? Is he overweight himself?

Don't accept less for yourself. Maybe your husband is a great guy, but just has crippling insecurities.

But I have seen good women throw away years to partners who aren't really worth it. My aunt did, and her useless husband walked out on her and the children, and drove around the country with his new, slim girlfriend. Nasty fellow.

MinnieInMaine

I feel really sorry for the OP's husband that he can't take a compliment well. Instead of being proud of having such a great atractive wife, he feels so threatened that he resorts to asking her to risk her health and stay heavy so that he doens't have to live with this jealousy because of his twisted views. Look, I get jealousy...I've got a huge green monster in my head...but for the most part I've learned to control it because I love and trust my husband and know that no matter how many women he might glance at or how many women might flirt with him that he's going to come home to me every night and not even consider straying.

OP, sounds like maybe you and your hubs need some counseling to work on communication and trust issues...

Good luck hon. Keep taking care of yourself and I hope things get better between the two of you!

stubbysticks

I'm glad you were able to get to the root of why he said this, i.e. his insecurity. However, you are not responsible for his feelings & you should never EVER make a decision because of how someone else feels about it. Sounds like you are committed to your efforts & I applaud that. Stick to it. It would be a crying shame for him to leave you because he can't deal with his own baggage, but the alternative would be you abandoning your positive efforts then feeling worse about yourself. No man is worth doing that to yourself, no matter how awesome he is. If he truly loves you he wants you to be happy with yourself.

The sad part is that you can't make him get over this if his insecurities are so extreme he's willing to leave his marriage. All you can do is what is best for YOU & just you. If he does decide to leave, he will repeat the cycle with another woman who will either concede to remaining unattractive enough to avoid attention from other men, or leave him. Either way, at least it won't be you.

Sorry you're going through this, do what you need to do to detach from whatever he's going through & stay focused on being the best you possible. That's the only way you can guarantee that at least you'll be ok. If you have to make a decision about the situation, you'll know what to do when it's time to do it. For now, try not to stress too much about it & try to be compassionate to this person who is obviously struggling with his own self-worth. This isn't about you, it's about him, so the less personally you take this, the easier it will be for you to deal with.

Hang in there!

Gemalar

I read that your hubby is "teddy bear like" and I know that you dont wanna mention his weight, but maybe you could try including him in your workouts or something. If he feels more involved he may not feel as insecure and also gain some confidence himself. I know when I have had people close to me go through big life changes, I have sometimes felt like an outsider. maybe this is adding to your guys insecurities.

Hope things work out for you x

GeekGirl23

Maybe he is jealous. That you are losing weight and he's not (assuming he's overweight). Maybe he's only attracted to "bigger" women? He's got to give you more to go on then what he's stated.

Or Maybe he's just looking for an excuse to control you so that he has an excuse to "look" elsewhere and still have you.

Too many open ended questions on this one.

My husband supports me 100% and he just the other day told me he is so happy I'm losing... not because I'm looking better and will be around longer... but that I seem "Happier" then I have been in years. It's true I am and nothing is going to stop me now!

OBXbound4me

Is he afraid that if you lose weight you will leave him? I know some men are insecure that if their woman becomes more 'desirable' that they will find a new partner and leave. He may be feeling insecure about the changes you are making and may need reassurance that you love him and will be with him no matter what. A therapist or marriage counselor may be able to help, too.

My other thought is that he may just like bigger gals. Has he ever said anything like that?

This. He may be worried if you lose you will find another or he could just like bigger women. I know I do but would support my wife no matter what weight she wanted to be unless it was unhealthy.

LainMac

Gee, does he think with the weight that you are losing that you'll be losing your moral compass as well? I think a little bit of couple and lots of individual therapy (for him) is advisable.

In not so many words he said "You'll only with me because you are fat and can't "do better" and once you are skinnier, you'll drop me like a hot potato."

That is pretty insulting.

penith113

I'm glad he was honest with you. You will have to decide what to do with that information now.
It would not fly with me for my husband to be that insecure or to "threaten" me with divorce for no other reason than improving my health. In my opinion, in a healthy relationship, your husband would be proud of you for looking and feeling better.

I wish you the best of luck with whatever you chose to do.

jlapey

I've assured him that I'm going no where yet I cannot keep myself heavy just to make him happy. That I need to take care of myself. He knows where I stand. He still stands his ground and asks that I do not lose another inch. He does not want to live being insecure.

Seriously?? :explode: He expects you to be UNHEALTHY so he doesn't have to be INSECURE? :noway: Could he be any more selfish? Sounds to me like he's the one with issues that need to be addressed. I feel for you and hope you do not give in to his unreasonable and ludicrous demands.

TKRV

I've assured him that I'm going no where yet I cannot keep myself heavy just to make him happy. That I need to take care of myself. He knows where I stand. He still stands his ground and asks that I do not lose another inch. He does not want to live being insecure.

Seriously?? :explode: He expects you to be UNHEALTHY so he doesn't have to be INSECURE? :noway: Could he be any more selfish? Sounds to me like he's the one with issues that need to be addressed. I feel for you and hope you do not give in to his unreasonable and ludicrous demands.

I feel like it may take more than one discussion before he truly understands that you will not leave him. I suggest asking him if he would be open to couples therapy in order for you to both have a better understanding of each other's sides. I don't know your whole story, but, in my opinion, you should try couples therapy before even thinking about divorce.

PrettyGirlPayton

Well I see you sat down and talked to your husband. I don't mean to sound harsh but his reasoning is very irrational. Of course other men will be more attracted to you. You will be in better shape and look much better. But trust should overtake his insecurity. If he feels this way then maybe he should get in shape. That's the only way he will feel better. He could also be using this as a cover up. Encourage him to get in shape. When and if that happens you will see if that was true reasoning. If he still finds a way to sabotage the marriage then as a last resort seek counselling. And if that doesn't work then seek the truth and move on. (closure)

sevsmom

My 2 cents. . . this may be a symptom of a deeper issue for him. It may not be about your weight at all. Having successfully blown up my first marriage by being too proud to get help when we needed it. . .I would kindly and whole heartedly advise you to consider some talk sessions with a neutral party. There may be bigger fish to fry than either one of you are capable of knowing how to manage.

Marriage is for better or for worse, not for easier and more pleasant. You guys have come through a lot, this isn't something that should be such a dramatic game changer.

JingleMuffin

Very Interesting that he doesnt want you to be healthy. It might be an unresoved issue within himself. I wouldnt do anything unitll you both sit down with a counselor. seriously thsi is sme deep serious stuff that needs to be resolved and talked about.

sndiane

First of all, a HUGE THANKS to all of you taking the time to reply. I appreciate it so very much!

We had a very long talk today and I have gotten down to the bottom of his reasoning. A couple of weeks back we had a job-related dinner with his co-workers. Long story short... the guys were coming up to him at work and making comments about how lucky he was and etc... Guys just being guys my hubby said. He told me that he doesn't want other men looking at me and so on. He is very uncomfortable with that.

He is 10 years older than I and yes he is overweight himself. Teddy-Bear type. I have NEVER nor will ever comment on his weight. I love him for him. I do the cooking and for the last few months have been cooking healthier and he hasn't complained once. As a matter of fact, I have gotten compliments from him. So....

Without going into writing a novel (haha) His answer to me is that he doesn't want me to lose weight because he doesn't want other men looking at me. He is very insecure with this.

I've assured him that I'm going no where yet I cannot keep myself heavy just to make him happy. That I need to take care of myself. He knows where I stand. He still stands his ground and asks that I do not lose another inch. He does not want to live being insecure.

So, for now, that's where things stand. Again, thank you to all of you for your replies and support.

I am so glad that they you have had a chance to talk with your husband. You might have to just keep assuring him that you love him.