How to deflect bullying?
Parental/teacher Question...A boy in 6th grad called my 3rd grader "ugly" today...not sure exactly how it transpired, but my son has just moved from a small private school that only went up to third grade to this, which goes up to 9th grade so he is pretty curious and in awe of the older boys and was probably staring...I myself was teased horribly in school which is why I have such terrible self confidence....I want him to stand up to this kid right away, but in a non offensive way....How should I approach this??? What should I advise him to say???
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Replies
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Advising your 3rd grader to stand up to a 6th grader is a recipe for disaster, IMO.
6th grade bully isn't going to say "Oh, that's a reasonable assertion little 3rd grader, let's shake hands and be friends".
I would talk to your kid about how kids can be mean, and teach him to let it roll off his shoulders. If the problem persists, I would address it with administrators.
I would agree with this.0 -
Tell him next time the kid says it to respond with, "well your mom didn't think I was ugly last night." Problem solved. No need to thank me.0
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When I was in second grade, we had to sit at tables in the lunch room in the order in which we enteered in a line. I, without fail, ended up across from an older girl named Julie who would spend the entire lunchtime called me the Ugly Duckling.
The best comeback I had was that the Ugly Duckling grew up to be a beautiful swan. Though now that I think about it, that implies that I actually WAS ugly at the time. lol But at that age I didn't even think about it that deeply.
Make your son secure in himself so that this bully's taunts don't affect him.0 -
Say nothing... tell a teacher0
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isn't it amazing how witty we are when we are older.
If someone said that to me, my first response would be "well that's ok, you're not my type, and honestly.. I am into girls".
but I agree with the person who mentioned to let your child know that kids are mean, just like about 80% of the "adults" on this site are childish.. that it is everywhere...0 -
As someone who was the centre of bullying attention in a very small school, I cannot answer your question. My parents always told me to ignore them, but that never works.
I have come to realize that they may have bullied me because they were afraid of me. I was/am very handsome and very smart. I was/am also very introverted.
I will tell you that it has turned me into a rather bitter person with some serious trust issues who has a very negative outlook towards other men.
If you can figure out how to get the bullying to stop towards your child, or how to make it so it doesn't effect your child, tell me how.0 -
I think the problem is that this is a new school he has been in for only a week, so he has no confidence there right now. I just don't want this to really ruin it for him...I'm probably over reacting, but this is the first time anything like this has happened. He is generally a confident child.0
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Parental/teacher Question...A boy in 6th grad called my 3rd grader "ugly" today...not sure exactly how it transpired, but my son has just moved from a small private school that only went up to third grade to this, which goes up to 9th grade so he is pretty curious and in awe of the older boys and was probably staring...I myself was teased horribly in school which is why I have such terrible self confidence....I want him to stand up to this kid right away, but in a non offensive way....How should I approach this??? What should I advise him to say???
You have the right idea, but the word you'er looking for is "assertiveness" speak your ground, with out getting angry or upset, while being confident. Set boundaries.
Yes, yes this is what I am wanting for him! Not a snappy comeback that may infuriate the older boy, but a way to make my son feel confident. Thank you.0 -
use one of these
\m/ 0 -
it could be that since the change is so new, you are amplifying everything. You really don't want to let your kids down with the move and things like this seem to be like "damn... he is going to hate me that we moved.."
have him watch karate kid... the newer one..:huh:0 -
I think it's a good opportunity to teach him that some people are mean and nasty, and you have to expect and accept that mean people will be mean and nasty. That it has absolutely nothing to do with him, and everything to do with the older kid being a brat. The best thing you can do to deflect it is to let it go in one ear and out the other.
It's kind of the same lesson that you shouldn't touch a hot stove or try to pet a strange dog. Some things in life will try to hurt you. Don't let them.0 -
Teach him how to be a tattle tale. As weird as it may sound, and kids don't like tattle tales, but it will help in the end. My 11 year old was bullied like crazy last year to the point where she wrote a note to a friend saying how she wanted to kill herself. Originally I had told her to just ignore it all and unfortunately that made it worse, not better because she was an easy target for the bullies. It took me to have to go all the way to the school board to get the issue fixed. Now those bullies are her friends. Yes, there are a couple that are doing it this year, but not as bad and she's more happier now so I'm not worried. And I've told her to "tell on the kids" because that's the only way that the bullies will go un-noticed!0
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Was your son upset by this? Kids say strange things, and some let it get to them and some don't. I don't have children, but when I was a kid I was picked on pretty heavily. My parents probably could have helped by sharing their experiences with bullies and helping me understand why some kids do it and that I was better than that. I would have been less inclined to react to harsh words and more inclined to stand up for myself (which I finally did in high school when I got some confidence).
My dad highly encouraged me to just "beat the *kitten* out of her" and my mom's stance was complete and total avoidance. Neither approach helped. I wasn't physically bullied (just made fun of, etc.), but my dad's approach would have quickly escalated the problem. I love telling people where my nemeses ended up too... it's a nice little karma story.0 -
Oh, I can so hear my 4th grader saying.."So, whats your point?" But she is a little red head and is 100% confident in herself. So, my suggestion? Enroll him in Karate class and tell him to let it roll off his shoulders because not everyone in life is nice.0
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My daughter get's bulliied every once in a while. I sit down and talk to her about it. I tell her not to let that occupy space in her mind, heart or soul. They are simply jealous because she is quiet, respectful, funny, beautiful & talented. These are kids that seek attention anywhere & any which way they can.
She stands up to those that bully her & other innocent children.
Her school had an anti-bullying art show last month. This is what she performed, enjoy!!!
http://youtu.be/qSm_8mEIGR4 0 -
Tell him next time the kid says it to respond with, "well your mom didn't think I was ugly last night." Problem solved. No need to thank me.
In 7th grade I met my first true enemy, Mike Friend.
Home EC class. We were assigned to the same group project. I didnt like what he had created so I stated, "thats ugly, do it over"
His response: "You're ugly, tell your mom to do it over"
I hated him for WEEKS untill he told me he had the biggest crush on me and continued to untll highscool, we are now good friends
** OP agree, sit him down, explain that it is part of growing up. Also get him involved in sports, etc. that will help with Selfesteem0 -
I can only say what I did. I made them put up or shut up.
Best case - he beats them up an w/e it's grade school
Worst case - he gets beaten up and they get in major ****
As a parent, that doesn't sound ideal. But as a kid who went that route, I feel it worked well for me.
Option 2: Spit in their faces
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isn't it amazing how witty we are when we are older.
If someone said that to me, my first response would be "well that's ok, you're not my type, and honestly.. I am into girls".
but I agree with the person who mentioned to let your child know that kids are mean, just like about 80% of the "adults" on this site are childish.. that it is everywhere...
I'm sorry
We have a no bully zone and I am very strict about it. Just next time tell him to tell a teacher that is near him and teach him about bullies in life and how to stand up for himself. 0 -
Parental/teacher Question...A boy in 6th grad called my 3rd grader "ugly" today...not sure exactly how it transpired, but my son has just moved from a small private school that only went up to third grade to this, which goes up to 9th grade so he is pretty curious and in awe of the older boys and was probably staring...I myself was teased horribly in school which is why I have such terrible self confidence....I want him to stand up to this kid right away, but in a non offensive way....How should I approach this??? What should I advise him to say???
There are a limited number of situations in which someone with that kind of size and age difference can have a positive external effect on a bully, but almost never after the fact. The main thing you can do is insulate him from it. I would tell him that happy people aren't mean. This boy was mean, so he's unhappy in some way, and your son should feel sorry for him. I would also tell him that a lot of people will say a lot of mean things, but it doesn't matter what they say or think. I would impress upon him the importance of being a kind person himself, and that he can derive happiness from never doing that to someone else.0 -
So much depends on the personality of the child, but with this one off I wouldn't react too quickly because you don. Reassure you child that they are smart and good looking, tell him that kids can be mean and he may have to deal with this periodically through his life. Give him options on how he can deal with this, taking him seriously and being proactive will help him feel safe, trying to work with him to come up with a solution may help him to feel empowered. Because this other child is so much older, hopefully it won't impact the friends he's making in his class, and he can focus on those friendships instead of the words of someone who he's not around very often.
I subscribed to more of the physical brand of justice. I didn't have to really deal with bullying outside of my family until I was in Jr. High, at which point I put one boy in a head lock a explained to him how inappropriate his remarks were and another I pinned up on a wall. I was little, but I packed a big punch.0 -
I was bullied and picked on a lot in grade school... it got to the point where my mom got tired of me coming home crying and stressed so she homeschooled me.
Great idea in theory, but I in turn, just hid in my room for the next 4 years....
I had this uncontrollable desire to please everyone around me. So when I was picked on, I struggled. I wanted them to be happy, and I wanted to do what I could to achieve that. Apparently I invited the meanest girl in my class every year to my birthday party (I don't remember doing that...).
Took me many many years to build up some self confidence, which was again shot down at age 19.
Now I'm about to turn 33 and am probably the most confident I have ever been in my life. But all that has taught me to be less sensitive to people who don't really know me (I was a very sensitive kid in school). I also learned that I can't please everyone all the time. And if I tried I would be miserable.
Let your son know that kids can be mean and if he is generally a confident kid, then he will learn how to let it go. Let him know that sometimes kids just want to be mean to someone and say things that aren't true. Tell him to focus on making friends in his class/grade, learning, and doing things that he likes. Its a new school and it's a big adjustment, and he will eventually find his place.
If the problem persists, talk to a teacher or administrator.0 -
Having been on both sides as a kid (and as a father), I'd suggest this approach, in order:
(1) tell him to use the snappy come backs suggested above (which are great!) and give him a few more,
(2) role play bullying situations with him so he develops some skills in wit and defusing fights,
(3) if the older kid escalates or doesn't stop then go to the administrators (quickly), and
(4) get the kid in wrestling/boxing/martial arts classes.
As to (4) I'm absolutely not suggesting he ever start a fight but boys are boys and it is very likely to happen at some point. Giving him the physical self confidence to take care of himself will spill over and allow him to walk away most of the time. And, if he's ever pushed to the wall then the other kid learns a painful lesson. And yes even a bully 3 years older than him will back away most times if he finds that your son will stand his ground. Bullies are looking for easy targets and often have their own emotional issues.0 -
I think the problem is that this is a new school he has been in for only a week, so he has no confidence there right now. I just don't want this to really ruin it for him...I'm probably over reacting, but this is the first time anything like this has happened. He is generally a confident child.
It's not about confidence in the school. If he's confident in himself, it won't matter where he is. My daughter is teased because she's chubby and doesn't conform to the acceptable style of dress at school (she's scene). I keep telling her that the kids who tease her only do so because they secretly want to be as brave as she is and be different like her, but they're afraid to. And the ones who are different as youth turn out to be the coolest adults.
I know this doesn't necessarily relate to your son being called "ugly", but my point is, there's always a reason for the bullying. The bully typically has pretty poor self-esteem, themselves, from being bullied by family or other kids.
Make him understand that and teach him to be more confident in who he is because it will always happen if he allows it to.0 -
Teach your kid restraint in the face of adversity. It takes a lot of discipline to hold back. If you want to work on his confidence, I say surround him with good friends, maybe start martial arts classes that teach restraint and self defense.
I grew up as the only Asian kid in my grade in a largely African American community until highschool. I had my fair share of bullies. I only fought back when I had to. I was always more concerned about getting expelled than fighting. I had some friends that helped me get through it.0 -
My dad taught me to fight.
Physically and verbally.
B*tches didn't mess with me, yo.0 -
I like your answer. I'm sorry your child had to go through that!Teach him how to be a tattle tale. As weird as it may sound, and kids don't like tattle tales, but it will help in the end. My 11 year old was bullied like crazy last year to the point where she wrote a note to a friend saying how she wanted to kill herself. Originally I had told her to just ignore it all and unfortunately that made it worse, not better because she was an easy target for the bullies. It took me to have to go all the way to the school board to get the issue fixed. Now those bullies are her friends. Yes, there are a couple that are doing it this year, but not as bad and she's more happier now so I'm not worried. And I've told her to "tell on the kids" because that's the only way that the bullies will go un-noticed!0 -
I agree with others that you should explain to him that sometimes people just aren't nice. I'd also bring this up to his teacher as well as the 6th grade teacher and administration. I'd also inquire as to why middle school/junior high kids are hanging out with elementary school age kids. That just seems like a recipe for disaster to me.
I went to small private schools all the way until 8th grade...though they were small, they kept like groups...elementary and middleschool kids were kept seperate...different recess times....lunch times...class rooms, etc.0 -
Having been on both sides as a kid (and as a father), I'd suggest this approach, in order:
(1) tell him to use the snappy come backs suggested above (which are great!) and give him a few more,
(2) roll play bullying situations with him so he develops some skills in wit and defusing fights,
(3) if the older kid escalates or doesn't stop then go to the administrators (quickly), and
(4) get the kid in wrestling/boxing/martial arts classes.
As to (4) I'm absolutely not suggesting he ever start a fight but boys are boys and it is very likely to happen at some point. Giving him the physical self confidence to take care of himself will spill over and allow him to walk away most of the time. And, if he's ever pushed to the wall then the other kid learns a painful lesson. And yes even a bully 3 years older than him will back away most times if he finds that your son will stand his ground. Bullies are looking for easy targets and often have their own emotional issues.
I completely agree with this.
I think martial arts is great for kids, because it teaches them confidence and discipline.
ETA: I also think that it is very important to explain to him that there are some people in this world that are not nice for no good reason and that he will come across those people throughout his entire life.0 -
I used to tell my son to tell a teacher but then I found out that his teacher told the class she doesn't want to hear about these problems (even though the school has a no bullying rule), so my next move (along with informing the principle about what the teacher told the class) was to talk to my son about how hard it has to be a bully because to feel so bad about yourself that you have to bring others down must be hard. My little goober now makes a point to try to make friends with the mean kids in class to help them feel better about themselves. I can't say that him being friends with the "bad" kids makes me feel better but he isn't getting picked on anymore and he is still doing well in school so it must work for him.0
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This, plus get him into karate, or sports in general. Give him something to do that he can be proud of. Teach him to ignore those types of comments, and with sports or karate, he'll make quality friends that he'll have something in common with, and people he can hang out at school with. The worst thing a bully hates more than anything is being out numbered. I had several bullies when I moved from Pittsburgh to Charlotte. I started football, and always hung around the team between classes, needless to say, never got bullied again.it could be that since the change is so new, you are amplifying everything. You really don't want to let your kids down with the move and things like this seem to be like "damn... he is going to hate me that we moved.."
have him watch karate kid... the newer one..:huh:
ETA: I also took karate, just in case the bully had the bright idea to catch me by myself. I actually started in Tae Kwon Do in PA at the age of 5, but that was just for fun.0
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