How to deflect bullying?
Replies
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Do you think it is that he is having trouble fitting in, and the other kids are picking on him? If so, maybe talk to the school and see what they suggest. Try to reassure your child. New school can be tough. I wouldn't tell your child to be confrontational. It is important to learn social skills. I hope he and you are able to grow from this.0
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Parental/teacher Question...A boy in 6th grad called my 3rd grader "ugly" today...not sure exactly how it transpired, but my son has just moved from a small private school that only went up to third grade to this, which goes up to 9th grade so he is pretty curious and in awe of the older boys and was probably staring...I myself was teased horribly in school which is why I have such terrible self confidence....I want him to stand up to this kid right away, but in a non offensive way....How should I approach this??? What should I advise him to say???
Seriously, the only way to deal with a bully is to stand up to them. In third grade, someone told me that I had "cooties," and I responded, at least I'm not stupid and getting C's in everything. In 7th grade, I had a boy threaten to put me in a dumpster because he said I was stinky like trash. So I told him I would meet him after school by the dumpster. he never showed up.0 -
My dad taught me to fight.
Physically and verbally.
B*tches didn't mess with me, yo.
:drinker:0 -
A boy in 6th grad called my 3rd grader "ugly" today...
Why is having an opinion on another person's looks considered bullying?0 -
Having been on both sides as a kid (and as a father), I'd suggest this approach, in order:
(1) tell him to use the snappy come backs suggested above (which are great!) and give him a few more,
(2) roll play bullying situations with him so he develops some skills in wit and defusing fights,
(3) if the older kid escalates or doesn't stop then go to the administrators (quickly), and
(4) get the kid in wrestling/boxing/martial arts classes.
As to (4) I'm absolutely not suggesting he ever start a fight but boys are boys and it is very likely to happen at some point. Giving him the physical self confidence to take care of himself will spill over and allow him to walk away most of the time. And, if he's ever pushed to the wall then the other kid learns a painful lesson. And yes even a bully 3 years older than him will back away most times if he finds that your son will stand his ground. Bullies are looking for easy targets and often have their own emotional issues.
I absolutely agree with this as well! My now 19 year old son was bullied in school, and just telling him to ignore it or walk away (which is what I started out telling him) did not help him. When he did that, he seemed like an easy target, which made the bullies attack him even more. Teaching him to carry himself with confidence is what helped him diffuse situations and stop getting bullied. We used role playing techiniques to help him learn, and he also had some great but non-threatening comebacks like one of the other posters mentioned like "So, what's your point?". He also got involved in the local youth wrestling club, which he absolutely loved. Wrestling turned out to be his favorite sport of all. And believe me, wrestlers get teased on a regular basis, you can imagine why. But wrestling taught him so many things, among them, was the confidence to know that if a bully really did take a swing at him someday, all he had to do was use a wrestling move on him to take the guy to the ground and he probably wouldn't even see it coming. Then my son never had to throw a punch, or get into a real fight (and get in trouble for fighting at school!) just put the guy in a wrestling move (because he was defending himself!), and most likely that guy would never bother him again. This helped my son realize that he didn't have to give bullies the power to hurt him or make him feel bad about himself. He has now grown up into a mature, confident, and loving man that I am very proud of!0 -
A boy in 6th grad called my 3rd grader "ugly" today...
Why is having an opinion on another person's looks considered bullying?
Having an opinion isn't.
Telling that person your opinion can be.0 -
I think we were all teased at one point, some more than others.... I remember being called ugly (in different words) by a boy in elementary school because I was pretty much the only Asian in the small town I was born in... I don't think I realize how wrong that situation was until I moved into the city...I don't remember too much, but I obviously didn't feel so great at that time..
Another moment that stands out, was when a group of girls in middle school (in the city) kept saying I had white hair ...lol... I don't know why but it actually got me upset enough for a teacher to recognize I wasn't happy and she got me to confide in her on the situation.... She was really nice and talked to the group of girls and they apologized to me and everything went great after that.. I don't know what the teacher said but I bet she did a great job in painting a good sob story for them, one that made them feel really bad for their actions....or maybe they were just embarrassed that their teacher now knew how foolish they were acting? ...either way, in that situation I found it really helped to get the teacher involved....however, this all depends on the type of teacher, I think some teachers may not care so much meanwhile some may even have children of their own who were teased and thus are passionate about stopping this from escalating further....
I don't think one method will always work, but I believe that if the bully fully understood how detrimental their actions are that they would generally stop, but of course this part is challenging as we are not their parents etc... which is why teachers can be sometimes effective if we can't communicate with their parents....... but most importantly I think it is very important to build the confidence of the child who is targeted, make sure to educate them that the world is not perfect and that everyone feels this pain at one point, pointing out role models is a great way to show the child that they are not alone and that what they are feeling is something that they can actually control themselves. Basically they should not place so much value on the opinion of others, ...I know this is easier said than done, but I do believe we eventually all grow up to learn this....maybe because we are away from the situation and thus have time to reflect ?0 -
Thank you all so much, I really appreciate all the advice.
I will be signing us up for some karate (or something in that vein) it was in the cards anyway, so it may just have to happen sooner and I will continue to help build his confidence and maybe do a little role playing, I like the idea of something along the lines of "So whats your point" I don't want him to revert to name calling back, that is just as bad.
Will just have to take it as it comes, the school does have a total no bullying policy, but my son didn't tell the teacher...he is still feeling out of place there, he has been the barely a week, so he is still in the unsure stages, which would probably make him an easy target,
Thanks guys.0 -
Thank you all so much, I really appreciate all the advice.
I will be signing us up for some karate (or something in that vein) it was in the cards anyway, so it may just have to happen sooner and I will continue to help build his confidence and maybe do a little role playing, I like the idea of something along the lines of "So whats your point" I don't want him to revert to name calling back, that is just as bad.
Will just have to take it as it comes, the school does have a total no bullying policy, but my son didn't tell the teacher...he is still feeling out of place there, he has been the barely a week, so he is still in the unsure stages, which would probably make him an easy target,
Thanks guys.
the best thing too is to keep that bond with your son. It is a blessing that he told you and tells you things. Make sure he always know that mom is there for him and he can always come to talk to you. You can even say to him, because you let me know, I can try to fix it, would you like to try karate out?0 -
When I was in grade 2 I stood up to a bully in grade 5. Me, a wee little girl, looked him straight in the eye and told him he was a **** and I wouldn't put up with it.
He smiled, said; "You're cool." and never bothered me again.
BUT I don't think that's how it would go between two boys.
Are the teachers aware that this is going on?0 -
My daughter has been getting bullied. She will come to me crying about it because she is so upset. I finally had enough and went to have a chat with the mother. Which sadly, the mother didn't give a ****. I ended up making the kid cry because I told them that they needed to cut the crap and stop. We've had issues with this family for a few months now. The son will punch my son. My son is 3 years younger. My son has come home with red marks all over his body. I don't know how to handle it anymore.0
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I'm in agreement with the posters who have suggested martial arts. Not because he needs to know how to fight - trying that will just get him ganged up on, but because a good class with a good teacher will get him a ton of self confidence and just the way he carries himself might be a deterent to the bullies.
Avoid karate or kung fu though. Send him to Judo or Ju Jitsu or aikido or some other form of grappling art. They will be much more immediately applicable if he does get into a physical altercation. If he tries a striking art like Karate or kung fu in a playground brawl without years of practice he'll likely get hurt.0 -
Well, that goes from being bullying to assault. Since the school isn't doing anything, it's time to get law enforcement involved. Plus, as stated by several, get him in karate, so this won't happen to him again.My daughter has been getting bullied. She will come to me crying about it because she is so upset. I finally had enough and went to have a chat with the mother. Which sadly, the mother didn't give a ****. I ended up making the kid cry because I told them that they needed to cut the crap and stop. We've had issues with this family for a few months now. The son will punch my son. My son is 3 years younger. My son has come home with red marks all over his body. I don't know how to handle it anymore.0 -
Having been on both sides as a kid (and as a father), I'd suggest this approach, in order:
(1) tell him to use the snappy come backs suggested above (which are great!) and give him a few more,
(2) role play bullying situations with him so he develops some skills in wit and defusing fights,
(3) if the older kid escalates or doesn't stop then go to the administrators (quickly), and
(4) get the kid in wrestling/boxing/martial arts classes.
As to (4) I'm absolutely not suggesting he ever start a fight but boys are boys and it is very likely to happen at some point. Giving him the physical self confidence to take care of himself will spill over and allow him to walk away most of the time. And, if he's ever pushed to the wall then the other kid learns a painful lesson. And yes even a bully 3 years older than him will back away most times if he finds that your son will stand his ground. Bullies are looking for easy targets and often have their own emotional issues.
^^^ THIS.
Especially the self-defense classes. I have a friend who put both of his sons in Wrestling for this reason. They will not start a fight but they know exactly how to react when someone comes at them -- they even know how to subdue that person without causing injury.0 -
I'm in agreement with most of your statement. Even though karate and Kung Fu are striking arts, most reputable schools teach self defense as well as basic strikes to beginners. Actually, most people recommend Karate over a grappling art, for the opposite reason in which you stated.I'm in agreement with the posters who have suggested martial arts. Not because he needs to know how to fight - trying that will just get him ganged up on, but because a good class with a good teacher will get him a ton of self confidence and just the way he carries himself might be a deterent to the bullies.
Avoid karate or kung fu though. Send him to Judo or Ju Jitsu or aikido or some other form of grappling art. They will be much more immediately applicable if he does get into a physical altercation. If he tries a striking art like Karate or kung fu in a playground brawl without years of practice he'll likely get hurt.0 -
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Well, that goes from being bullying to assault. Since the school isn't doing anything, it's time to get law enforcement involved. Plus, as stated by several, get him in karate, so this won't happen to him again.My daughter has been getting bullied. She will come to me crying about it because she is so upset. I finally had enough and went to have a chat with the mother. Which sadly, the mother didn't give a ****. I ended up making the kid cry because I told them that they needed to cut the crap and stop. We've had issues with this family for a few months now. The son will punch my son. My son is 3 years younger. My son has come home with red marks all over his body. I don't know how to handle it anymore.
With my kids, it all happens outside of school, in our neighborhood. My son is only 4 and this kid is almost 7. My daughter is 6. The kid that my daughter has issues with, has been telling my daughter that I am stupid. I had a neighbor hear her say it. I'm happy because they are moving soon.0 -
My son dealt with this for years from a group of boys. I even brought him to a counselor bc of it where we learned things he could do or say. Even visited the school principal & got detention for some of the boys. All to no avail.
Finally one day in 6th gr he had enough & hauled off & kicked the ringleader in the nuts so hard it brought the guy to his knees. This happened at the bus stop in front of much of the school but more importantly in front of the other bullies. He told the boy there was more if he wanted it lol!! The boy was on the ground & couldnt stand up.
No one has bothered him since & he's now in 10th gr. Not to suggest to resort to violence but defending oneself can be a different matter. I think it's just something boys go through as a rite of passage I guess.0 -
Aw, poor kid.
I agree with the martial arts things. Not to pick fights or anything, but it can really help build confidence. Just KNOWING that you can defend yourself if needed can be a great boost to one's confidence.
Aside from that I'd sit down and explain to him that kids are sometimes very mean, and that it might make him sad or angry, but it's not true, and that he is NOT ugly.0 -
If your are physically bullied.... Best thing to say is "no, no, no, dont do that......
You'll give me an erection!"0 -
If your son got called ugly by an older kid, one time, I wouldn't even worry about it. Teach him not to be too sensitive and that people can be as$holes sometimes.
No point in making a big deal about it.0 -
Tell him next time the kid says it to respond with, "well your mom didn't think I was ugly last night." Problem solved. No need to thank me.
In 7th grade I met my first true enemy, Mike Friend.
Home EC class. We were assigned to the same group project. I didnt like what he had created so I stated, "thats ugly, do it over"
His response: "You're ugly, tell your mom to do it over"
I hated him for WEEKS untill he told me he had the biggest crush on me and continued to untll highscool, we are now good friends
** OP agree, sit him down, explain that it is part of growing up. Also get him involved in sports, etc. that will help with Selfesteem
Lol, but YOU were the instigator in that exchange :P He did what everyone here's suggesting and comeback with something funny.0 -
Tell him next time the kid says it to respond with, "well your mom didn't think I was ugly last night." Problem solved. No need to thank me.
I retract my previous opinion. Do this.
So full of win. If he can make others laugh, It ceases to be a problem. Plus, if other kids see it doesn't bother him, they'll go pick on someone else.0 -
We're all recommending things to you OP, but I had quite a long talk about this with my high school aged sister a week or two ago.
Whatever your kid's personality, help him tap into what works best for him. Is your son usually quite, pensive? Martial arts probably would work great... similarly if he has issues with anger or anxiety.
Is your kid generally more social (outside of the fact that he's just moved)? Tap into the "response" method... a joke, a comeback, whatever.
As a big talker (if no one can tell on these forums), I grew up with tons of bullying and I figured out that giving them an unexpected response does wonders. Any kid, especially an older kid, that would say something like, "You're ugly" is looking for a set response: anger or sadness.
Having gotten that exact comment, multiple times, from older kids, I started cheerfully saying, "Thank you!" I can almost guarantee a slack jawed response with little return, or a sudden warming of the kid to you.
But ultimately, working WITH your kids character instead of against it will set him up for future strength.0 -
Tell him next time the kid says it to respond with, "well your mom didn't think I was ugly last night." Problem solved. No need to thank me.
A 3rd grader can't say that... :P0 -
Teach your child to grow some skin. Seriously...stand up for name calling? I'm sure you can give him some witty pointers on how to move beyond.0
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Tell him next time the kid says it to respond with, "well your mom didn't think I was ugly last night." Problem solved. No need to thank me.
A 3rd grader can't say that... :P
Change "Mom" to "Sister"0 -
long ago that what i heard my friends dad's telling my friend when we was in first grad,
my friend: dad the kid hitted me
DAD: did u hit him back?!
my friend: NO
DAD: next time when u come home you tell me dad he hitted me in the eye and i poked his both eyes out
My Friend: ok dad
next day appearently the dad recieved a call from school and when he went there
DAD: what Happened?!
Teacher: ur son hitted the poor guy so bad and he is crying
DAD: thats my son
Teacher: what?!!!!
DAD: he hitted him and he hitted him back, im rasing him to be a man to stand a against the world when he is right and when he is protecting him self and others close to him, im not raising him to be a P*****!!!!
Teacher: sir thats not acceptable blah blah
DAD: whatever
and my friend never got bullied again in his life and he always fought back and he is a civil engineer now xD
OOOOOOOOOOH GOD i miss 80's and 90's0 -
long ago that what i heard my friends dad's telling my friend when we was in first grad,
my friend: dad the kid hitted me
DAD: did u hit him back?!
my friend: NO
DAD: next time when u come home you tell me dad he hitted me in the eye and i poked his both eyes out
My Friend: ok dad
next day appearently the dad recieved a call from school and when he went there
DAD: what Happened?!
Teacher: ur son hitted the poor guy so bad and he is crying
DAD: thats my son
Teacher: what?!!!!
DAD: he hitted him and he hitted him back, im rasing him to be a man to stand a against the world when he is right and when he is protecting him self and others close to him, im not raising him to be a P*****!!!!
Teacher: sir thats not acceptable blah blah
DAD: whatever
and my friend never got bullied again in his life and he always fought back and he is a civil engineer now xD
OOOOOOOOOOH GOD i miss 80's and 90's
I think the Teacher should have spent more time on English.0 -
long ago that what i heard my friends dad's telling my friend when we was in first grad,
my friend: dad the kid hitted me
DAD: did u hit him back?!
my friend: NO
DAD: next time when u come home you tell me dad he hitted me in the eye and i poked his both eyes out
My Friend: ok dad
next day appearently the dad recieved a call from school and when he went there
DAD: what Happened?!
Teacher: ur son hitted the poor guy so bad and he is crying
DAD: thats my son
Teacher: what?!!!!
DAD: he hitted him and he hitted him back, im rasing him to be a man to stand a against the world when he is right and when he is protecting him self and others close to him, im not raising him to be a P*****!!!!
Teacher: sir thats not acceptable blah blah
DAD: whatever
and my friend never got bullied again in his life and he always fought back and he is a civil engineer now xD
OOOOOOOOOOH GOD i miss 80's and 90's
I think the Teacher should have spent more time on English.
dude my english sucks, just live with it 0 -
long ago that what i heard my friends dad's telling my friend when we was in first grad,
my friend: dad the kid hitted me
DAD: did u hit him back?!
my friend: NO
DAD: next time when u come home you tell me dad he hitted me in the eye and i poked his both eyes out
My Friend: ok dad
next day appearently the dad recieved a call from school and when he went there
DAD: what Happened?!
Teacher: ur son hitted the poor guy so bad and he is crying
DAD: thats my son
Teacher: what?!!!!
DAD: he hitted him and he hitted him back, im rasing him to be a man to stand a against the world when he is right and when he is protecting him self and others close to him, im not raising him to be a P*****!!!!
Teacher: sir thats not acceptable blah blah
DAD: whatever
and my friend never got bullied again in his life and he always fought back and he is a civil engineer now xD
OOOOOOOOOOH GOD i miss 80's and 90's
I think the Teacher should have spent more time on English.
dude my english sucks, just live with it
I was speaking more of the third grader :laugh:0
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