How to deflect bullying?

tinak33

I was bullied and picked on a lot in grade school... it got to the point where my mom got tired of me coming home crying and stressed so she homeschooled me.
Great idea in theory, but I in turn, just hid in my room for the next 4 years....

I had this uncontrollable desire to please everyone around me. So when I was picked on, I struggled. I wanted them to be happy, and I wanted to do what I could to achieve that. Apparently I invited the meanest girl in my class every year to my birthday party (I don't remember doing that...).

Took me many many years to build up some self confidence, which was again shot down at age 19.

Now I'm about to turn 33 and am probably the most confident I have ever been in my life. But all that has taught me to be less sensitive to people who don't really know me (I was a very sensitive kid in school). I also learned that I can't please everyone all the time. And if I tried I would be miserable.


Let your son know that kids can be mean and if he is generally a confident kid, then he will learn how to let it go. Let him know that sometimes kids just want to be mean to someone and say things that aren't true. Tell him to focus on making friends in his class/grade, learning, and doing things that he likes. Its a new school and it's a big adjustment, and he will eventually find his place.
If the problem persists, talk to a teacher or administrator.

sunsnstatheart

Having been on both sides as a kid (and as a father), I'd suggest this approach, in order:

(1) tell him to use the snappy come backs suggested above (which are great!) and give him a few more,

(2) role play bullying situations with him so he develops some skills in wit and defusing fights,

(3) if the older kid escalates or doesn't stop then go to the administrators (quickly), and

(4) get the kid in wrestling/boxing/martial arts classes.

As to (4) I'm absolutely not suggesting he ever start a fight but boys are boys and it is very likely to happen at some point. Giving him the physical self confidence to take care of himself will spill over and allow him to walk away most of the time. And, if he's ever pushed to the wall then the other kid learns a painful lesson. And yes even a bully 3 years older than him will back away most times if he finds that your son will stand his ground. Bullies are looking for easy targets and often have their own emotional issues.

AJ_Pete

I think the problem is that this is a new school he has been in for only a week, so he has no confidence there right now. I just don't want this to really ruin it for him...I'm probably over reacting, but this is the first time anything like this has happened. He is generally a confident child.

It's not about confidence in the school. If he's confident in himself, it won't matter where he is. My daughter is teased because she's chubby and doesn't conform to the acceptable style of dress at school (she's scene). I keep telling her that the kids who tease her only do so because they secretly want to be as brave as she is and be different like her, but they're afraid to. And the ones who are different as youth turn out to be the coolest adults.

I know this doesn't necessarily relate to your son being called "ugly", but my point is, there's always a reason for the bullying. The bully typically has pretty poor self-esteem, themselves, from being bullied by family or other kids.

Make him understand that and teach him to be more confident in who he is because it will always happen if he allows it to.

tomomatic

Teach your kid restraint in the face of adversity. It takes a lot of discipline to hold back. If you want to work on his confidence, I say surround him with good friends, maybe start martial arts classes that teach restraint and self defense.

I grew up as the only Asian kid in my grade in a largely African American community until highschool. I had my fair share of bullies. I only fought back when I had to. I was always more concerned about getting expelled than fighting. I had some friends that helped me get through it.

TheKitsune6

My dad taught me to fight.

Physically and verbally.

B*tches didn't mess with me, yo.

paintedlady77

Teach him how to be a tattle tale. As weird as it may sound, and kids don't like tattle tales, but it will help in the end. My 11 year old was bullied like crazy last year to the point where she wrote a note to a friend saying how she wanted to kill herself. Originally I had told her to just ignore it all and unfortunately that made it worse, not better because she was an easy target for the bullies. It took me to have to go all the way to the school board to get the issue fixed. Now those bullies are her friends. Yes, there are a couple that are doing it this year, but not as bad and she's more happier now so I'm not worried. And I've told her to "tell on the kids" because that's the only way that the bullies will go un-noticed!

I like your answer. I'm sorry your child had to go through that!

cwolfman13

I agree with others that you should explain to him that sometimes people just aren't nice. I'd also bring this up to his teacher as well as the 6th grade teacher and administration. I'd also inquire as to why middle school/junior high kids are hanging out with elementary school age kids. That just seems like a recipe for disaster to me.

I went to small private schools all the way until 8th grade...though they were small, they kept like groups...elementary and middleschool kids were kept seperate...different recess times....lunch times...class rooms, etc.

Shannon2714

Having been on both sides as a kid (and as a father), I'd suggest this approach, in order:

(1) tell him to use the snappy come backs suggested above (which are great!) and give him a few more,

(2) roll play bullying situations with him so he develops some skills in wit and defusing fights,

(3) if the older kid escalates or doesn't stop then go to the administrators (quickly), and

(4) get the kid in wrestling/boxing/martial arts classes.

As to (4) I'm absolutely not suggesting he ever start a fight but boys are boys and it is very likely to happen at some point. Giving him the physical self confidence to take care of himself will spill over and allow him to walk away most of the time. And, if he's ever pushed to the wall then the other kid learns a painful lesson. And yes even a bully 3 years older than him will back away most times if he finds that your son will stand his ground. Bullies are looking for easy targets and often have their own emotional issues.

I completely agree with this.

I think martial arts is great for kids, because it teaches them confidence and discipline.

ETA: I also think that it is very important to explain to him that there are some people in this world that are not nice for no good reason and that he will come across those people throughout his entire life.

TheirEllie82

I used to tell my son to tell a teacher but then I found out that his teacher told the class she doesn't want to hear about these problems (even though the school has a no bullying rule), so my next move (along with informing the principle about what the teacher told the class) was to talk to my son about how hard it has to be a bully because to feel so bad about yourself that you have to bring others down must be hard. My little goober now makes a point to try to make friends with the mean kids in class to help them feel better about themselves. I can't say that him being friends with the "bad" kids makes me feel better but he isn't getting picked on anymore and he is still doing well in school so it must work for him.

hkry3250

it could be that since the change is so new, you are amplifying everything. You really don't want to let your kids down with the move and things like this seem to be like "damn... he is going to hate me that we moved.."

have him watch karate kid... the newer one..:huh:

This, plus get him into karate, or sports in general. Give him something to do that he can be proud of. Teach him to ignore those types of comments, and with sports or karate, he'll make quality friends that he'll have something in common with, and people he can hang out at school with. The worst thing a bully hates more than anything is being out numbered. I had several bullies when I moved from Pittsburgh to Charlotte. I started football, and always hung around the team between classes, needless to say, never got bullied again.


ETA: I also took karate, just in case the bully had the bright idea to catch me by myself. I actually started in Tae Kwon Do in PA at the age of 5, but that was just for fun.

sarah6336

Do you think it is that he is having trouble fitting in, and the other kids are picking on him? If so, maybe talk to the school and see what they suggest. Try to reassure your child. New school can be tough. I wouldn't tell your child to be confrontational. It is important to learn social skills. I hope he and you are able to grow from this.

WendyTerry420

Parental/teacher Question...A boy in 6th grad called my 3rd grader "ugly" today...not sure exactly how it transpired, but my son has just moved from a small private school that only went up to third grade to this, which goes up to 9th grade so he is pretty curious and in awe of the older boys and was probably staring...I myself was teased horribly in school which is why I have such terrible self confidence....I want him to stand up to this kid right away, but in a non offensive way....How should I approach this??? What should I advise him to say???

Seriously, the only way to deal with a bully is to stand up to them. In third grade, someone told me that I had "cooties," and I responded, at least I'm not stupid and getting C's in everything. In 7th grade, I had a boy threaten to put me in a dumpster because he said I was stinky like trash. So I told him I would meet him after school by the dumpster. he never showed up.

WendyTerry420

My dad taught me to fight.

Physically and verbally.

B*tches didn't mess with me, yo.

:drinker:

spade117

A boy in 6th grad called my 3rd grader "ugly" today...

Why is having an opinion on another person's looks considered bullying?

mitsi94

Having been on both sides as a kid (and as a father), I'd suggest this approach, in order:

(1) tell him to use the snappy come backs suggested above (which are great!) and give him a few more,

(2) roll play bullying situations with him so he develops some skills in wit and defusing fights,

(3) if the older kid escalates or doesn't stop then go to the administrators (quickly), and

(4) get the kid in wrestling/boxing/martial arts classes.

As to (4) I'm absolutely not suggesting he ever start a fight but boys are boys and it is very likely to happen at some point. Giving him the physical self confidence to take care of himself will spill over and allow him to walk away most of the time. And, if he's ever pushed to the wall then the other kid learns a painful lesson. And yes even a bully 3 years older than him will back away most times if he finds that your son will stand his ground. Bullies are looking for easy targets and often have their own emotional issues.

I absolutely agree with this as well! My now 19 year old son was bullied in school, and just telling him to ignore it or walk away (which is what I started out telling him) did not help him. When he did that, he seemed like an easy target, which made the bullies attack him even more. Teaching him to carry himself with confidence is what helped him diffuse situations and stop getting bullied. We used role playing techiniques to help him learn, and he also had some great but non-threatening comebacks like one of the other posters mentioned like "So, what's your point?". He also got involved in the local youth wrestling club, which he absolutely loved. Wrestling turned out to be his favorite sport of all. And believe me, wrestlers get teased on a regular basis, you can imagine why. But wrestling taught him so many things, among them, was the confidence to know that if a bully really did take a swing at him someday, all he had to do was use a wrestling move on him to take the guy to the ground and he probably wouldn't even see it coming. Then my son never had to throw a punch, or get into a real fight (and get in trouble for fighting at school!) just put the guy in a wrestling move (because he was defending himself!), and most likely that guy would never bother him again. This helped my son realize that he didn't have to give bullies the power to hurt him or make him feel bad about himself. He has now grown up into a mature, confident, and loving man that I am very proud of!

chivalryder

A boy in 6th grad called my 3rd grader "ugly" today...

Why is having an opinion on another person's looks considered bullying?

Having an opinion isn't.

Telling that person your opinion can be.

bettacheckyoself

I think we were all teased at one point, some more than others.... I remember being called ugly (in different words) by a boy in elementary school because I was pretty much the only Asian in the small town I was born in... I don't think I realize how wrong that situation was until I moved into the city...I don't remember too much, but I obviously didn't feel so great at that time..

Another moment that stands out, was when a group of girls in middle school (in the city) kept saying I had white hair ...lol... I don't know why but it actually got me upset enough for a teacher to recognize I wasn't happy and she got me to confide in her on the situation.... She was really nice and talked to the group of girls and they apologized to me and everything went great after that.. I don't know what the teacher said but I bet she did a great job in painting a good sob story for them, one that made them feel really bad for their actions....or maybe they were just embarrassed that their teacher now knew how foolish they were acting? ...either way, in that situation I found it really helped to get the teacher involved....however, this all depends on the type of teacher, I think some teachers may not care so much meanwhile some may even have children of their own who were teased and thus are passionate about stopping this from escalating further....

I don't think one method will always work, but I believe that if the bully fully understood how detrimental their actions are that they would generally stop, but of course this part is challenging as we are not their parents etc... which is why teachers can be sometimes effective if we can't communicate with their parents....... but most importantly I think it is very important to build the confidence of the child who is targeted, make sure to educate them that the world is not perfect and that everyone feels this pain at one point, pointing out role models is a great way to show the child that they are not alone and that what they are feeling is something that they can actually control themselves. Basically they should not place so much value on the opinion of others, ...I know this is easier said than done, but I do believe we eventually all grow up to learn this....maybe because we are away from the situation and thus have time to reflect ?

Meg_78

Thank you all so much, I really appreciate all the advice.

I will be signing us up for some karate (or something in that vein) it was in the cards anyway, so it may just have to happen sooner and I will continue to help build his confidence and maybe do a little role playing, I like the idea of something along the lines of "So whats your point" I don't want him to revert to name calling back, that is just as bad.

Will just have to take it as it comes, the school does have a total no bullying policy, but my son didn't tell the teacher...he is still feeling out of place there, he has been the barely a week, so he is still in the unsure stages, which would probably make him an easy target,

Thanks guys.

MikeyD1280

Thank you all so much, I really appreciate all the advice.

I will be signing us up for some karate (or something in that vein) it was in the cards anyway, so it may just have to happen sooner and I will continue to help build his confidence and maybe do a little role playing, I like the idea of something along the lines of "So whats your point" I don't want him to revert to name calling back, that is just as bad.

Will just have to take it as it comes, the school does have a total no bullying policy, but my son didn't tell the teacher...he is still feeling out of place there, he has been the barely a week, so he is still in the unsure stages, which would probably make him an easy target,

Thanks guys.

the best thing too is to keep that bond with your son. It is a blessing that he told you and tells you things. Make sure he always know that mom is there for him and he can always come to talk to you. You can even say to him, because you let me know, I can try to fix it, would you like to try karate out?

penrbrown

When I was in grade 2 I stood up to a bully in grade 5. Me, a wee little girl, looked him straight in the eye and told him he was a **** and I wouldn't put up with it.

He smiled, said; "You're cool." and never bothered me again.

BUT I don't think that's how it would go between two boys.

Are the teachers aware that this is going on?