How to deflect bullying?

beach_please

I saw a quote one time that went: "Parents need to fill a child's bucket of self-esteem so high that the rest of the world can't poke enough holes to drain it dry."

He's going to encounter rude and obnoxious kids, unfortunately. The best you can do is give him the confidence to withstand hurtful comments from these *kitten* kids. Remind him that these comments aren't true... this kid just said it because he lacks morals and social skills. I wouldn't make too big of a deal out of it, unless he seems really bothered by it. Otherwise, I'd talk to him about it once, then let it go. If you dwell on it, he will too.

Molly_Maguire

The one word "ugly", though probably hurtful, does not by any stretch constitute bullying. Brace him up when he gets home, give him extra hugs and let the issue go. If the same 6th grader starts giving him grief repeatedly, and/or starts getting physical/threatening, then take it to the principal.

slkehl

My parents taught me to use my "big girl words" in these situations. In elementary school, they definitely shut the other kids up. Might have been a little talk behind my back about bad language, but nobody messed.

I also think throwing a punch is worth the kid getting disciplined by the school. But if the other kid is much bigger, not so good.

reneeileen

This came from my nine year old niece:

So the biggst bully in school came up to me and he was being so mean. He was talking and talking and called me chicken legs. I didn't say anything and when he stopped. I said, "All you do is talk and talk and talk and all I hear is 'blah, blah,blah'" Then I walked away.


SHUT DOWN!

Doodlewhopper

Stay out of it and dont make it a big deal. Kids must learn how to deal with life's problems and inequities when mommy isnt around.

Doodlewhopper

My son dealt with this for years from a group of boys. I even brought him to a counselor bc of it where we learned things he could do or say. Even visited the school principal & got detention for some of the boys. All to no avail.

Finally one day in 6th gr he had enough & hauled off & kicked the ringleader in the nuts so hard it brought the guy to his knees. This happened at the bus stop in front of much of the school but more importantly in front of the other bullies. He told the boy there was more if he wanted it lol!! The boy was on the ground & couldnt stand up.

No one has bothered him since & he's now in 10th gr. Not to suggest to resort to violence but defending oneself can be a different matter. I think it's just something boys go through as a rite of passage I guess.

This

bdamaster60

get jacked and shredded. Learn a fighting style. Kid will be good to go.

jynxxxed

Having been on both sides as a kid (and as a father), I'd suggest this approach, in order:

(1) tell him to use the snappy come backs suggested above (which are great!) and give him a few more,

(2) role play bullying situations with him so he develops some skills in wit and defusing fights,

(3) if the older kid escalates or doesn't stop then go to the administrators (quickly), and

(4) get the kid in wrestling/boxing/martial arts classes.

As to (4) I'm absolutely not suggesting he ever start a fight but boys are boys and it is very likely to happen at some point. Giving him the physical self confidence to take care of himself will spill over and allow him to walk away most of the time. And, if he's ever pushed to the wall then the other kid learns a painful lesson. And yes even a bully 3 years older than him will back away most times if he finds that your son will stand his ground. Bullies are looking for easy targets and often have their own emotional issues.

This is the best post here. Parents who do nothing about it but try to reassure the kid that they're perfect/special are setting their child up for failure in most cases.
The kid needs confidence and to know how to ACT in situations like that, because they will undoubtedly continue to happen (just about every kid gets picked on at some point). Just telling the child that they're perfect doesn't help when there's a kid in their face calling them names. They're still going to feel vulnerable.

Giving him step-by-step on how to react will absolutely help. Confidence is everything with kids.

tracypk

Don't have time to read them all, but my son was bullied. He's not someone you want to bully he fights back. He got in a lot of trouble and it was really hard to teach him that violence was not the answer. He's small for his age and he felt like that was the only thing he could do to make them stop. It did eventually stop, but some of the kids are still afraid of him. Not because he was the bully but the kids remember how he acted. He told me that the kids are holding a grudge.

bdamaster60

Don't have time to read them all, but my son was bullied. He's not someone you want to bully he fights back. He got in a lot of trouble and it was really hard to teach him that violence was not the answer.

I disagree. I was bullied in highschool verbally and physically because I was overweight and becase of race. I wouldn't go as far as saying violence is not the answer, but i would say physical retaliation or pre-preemptive strikes are the last answer. As I got older into senior years in highschool I started to workout and train in Mixed Martial Arts which I was always instructed to never use outside the gym unless in life threatening situations. Although the bullies still kept coming. Here's what I did:

- I walked up to my bully and apologised. Straight up in front of the whole class and offered to make peace. Didn't matter if i did nothing wrong, I just apologised.

- Then I went to my Year level co-ordinator and informed him of what I had done. Next I made it clear to him, that if He didn't not address the issue, and the bully tried to attack me again, I would bring down to bear the full force of my MMA training and attack him without fear of consequence.

After that the bully didn't bother me anymore. Either because of the first point, or the co-ordinator spoke with him, I couldn't say for sure.

CarlieeBear

Tell him next time the kid says it to respond with, "well your mom didn't think I was ugly last night." Problem solved. No need to thank me.

A 3rd grader can't say that... :P

Change "Mom" to "Sister"

That's really not an appropriate response for a kid to use. If I heard a kid say that in class, I'd have a talk with them or send both kids to talk with behavior.

Teachers don't like tattletales. Teachers can't do much on a kid's say so. They need proof. Whenever two students are having an altercation, I talk to them and ask them to try to resolve it. Then I'll offer to have an adult help them work things out. The ultimate choice is up to the one saying they were bullied if it's a bullying situation. Then I hand them over to behavior. I can't ignore the rest of the class to play mediator and that's one of the reasons we have behavior specialists.

The other day I worked with a teacher who took over a very difficult 2nd grade class partway through this year. The first teacher could not handle the class. They're still a tough class to sub, but he says they've improved. One girl told me a boy hit her with a block. When I told the teacher, he called the boy over and asked him why she would say that. I liked that approach.

You might want to schedule a meeting with the principal and/or teacher if your son is ok with it. They know the bullies and should be able to give you insight into how to advise your child.

CarlieeBear

This came from my nine year old niece:

So the biggst bully in school came up to me and he was being so mean. He was talking and talking and called me chicken legs. I didn't say anything and when he stopped. I said, "All you do is talk and talk and talk and all I hear is 'blah, blah,blah'" Then I walked away.


SHUT DOWN!

Now that's an appropriate response for a 3rd grader!

dhakiyya

Thank you for this thread, my daughter's been the target of bullying in school and I have been dealing with it pro-actively, but I took some of the other advice from this thread and this morning I've been coaching her in confidence, body language and tone of voice, and practicing comebacks to bullies - although I have to get my comebacks translated into Arabic as she goes to an Arabic school (we live in an Arabic country). I'm also teaching her the difference between actual bullying and banter, because some anti-bullying approaches fail to make that distinction. Banter is a normal part of human interaction and while it can on occasion go too far (in which case a child needs to learn how to assert themselves without accusing anyone of bullying) it's not done with the intention of being unkind or hurtful. The difference between the two is in the intention of the bully, i.e. whether they're actually trying to make the other person sad or angry, or are just joking around with the intention of making the other person laugh or respond with something similar.

I don't agree with telling kids to ignore bullying; ignoring is a passive response that's interpreted by bullies as submissiveness, and they'll carry on with the bullying. Ignoring works for annoying attention seekers - but attention seekers are generally not bullies, and bullies are seeking to put others down and hurt them rather than attention.

Also I don't agree with the attitude that you should just leave kids alone to figure out for themselves how to deal with bullies. One thing that separates humans from animals is that we pass on our skills and experience to the next generation, we don't leave them to wander in the wilderness trying to figure it all out for themselves. (Even some animals like chimpanzees teach their offspring some skills.) Dealing with bullies is a very important life skill and even as adults we have to deal with bullies sometimes, so why leave your child alone to try to figure it all out for themselves and risk psychological harm if all they learn from that is how to be passive and develop a victim mentality, when you could teach them the skills and the right attitude to deal with it effectively?

RobKarmic

My mother is a very successful third grade teacher and I have PTSD from school because of bullying I ended up dropping out of high school something you need to keep in mind is kids before the ages of 8 - 10 DO NOT think in third person they cannot comprehend their own actions and even when beginning puberty they have trouble thinking like an adult can


it's really just a matter of how the children act around each other once one kids got it in his head that one of them is a loser they shun them no matter how smart strong or cool they are there is nothing you can do besides avoid said bully or keep perfect body language around them

RobKarmic

I should also mention that in some cases it's the victims fault for not understanding that the bully wasn't aware of being mean and then it can spiral out of control

sunsnstatheart

Tell him next time the kid says it to respond with, "well your mom didn't think I was ugly last night." Problem solved. No need to thank me.

A 3rd grader can't say that... :P

Change "Mom" to "Sister"

That's really not an appropriate response for a kid to use. If I heard a kid say that in class, I'd have a talk with them or send both kids to talk with behavior.

Teachers don't like tattletales. Teachers can't do much on a kid's say so. They need proof. Whenever two students are having an altercation, I talk to them and ask them to try to resolve it. Then I'll offer to have an adult help them work things out. The ultimate choice is up to the one saying they were bullied if it's a bullying situation. Then I hand them over to behavior. I can't ignore the rest of the class to play mediator and that's one of the reasons we have behavior specialists.

Your attitude is one of the reasons bullying becomes a problem and a child is sometimes forced to defend himself or herself. So next time a child hauls off and decks a bully maybe you should look in the mirror and take responsibility. A child should be able to tell a teacher that he or she is being bullied and the teacher should then get involved. When the teacher basically ignores it or just rounds both kids up for discipline in that wonderfully ignorant zero tolerance/zero justice way, the bully learns that he/she can get away with the behavior and the victim becomes a victim for the second time. This is the way bullying was dealt with when I was growing up and its why I finally resorting to physically going after my bullies. I was suspended for one of those for a week. I was kicked out of Boy Scouts for another. Both cases involved my response to a very long period of harassment and zero help from teachers or the scout master. My mother's response was, "did you start it?" and "No? Okay so since you didn't start it, did you finish it?". As far as my parents were concerned the case was closed, and I guess they at least did that. The bullies also went away. I was fortunate that in my case it wasn't physical weakness that was my problem. Not all kids are that lucky. My girls are growing up knowing that you don't tolerate bullies and, just as importantly, that you don't bully other kids.

The four step approach that I outlined works. And it works because I know that it often takes a parent getting involved to fix the problem. There are some very good teachers out there, and they really know how to handle children, but some teachers just don't.