Should I date a man with kids?
Replies
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Slow down. You're not moving in with this guy...give it some time to see if you two are even compatible. You. Just. Met. Him.
He seems as a such a sweetheart. Its still at the beginning so give him a chance and you will see.0 -
I think what the OP is feeling is that she is scared to date a man with children purely because the children usually will either make or break the relationship.
Possibly she is afraid they won't like her and will make her life hell. Not only does she have to work on the relationship with the man, but also a relationship with his kids.
If a man puts his kids first, and his kids don't like her, then he will probably dump her.
The kids seem old enough to start becoming independent and maybe he won't care what they think.0 -
Run for the hills, honey. I was in a similar situations several years ago, and unfortunately any man with kids will always put them first, irrespective of whether their needs are actually greater in the given situation, and who will always take their word over yours even if they're talking rubbish and you're the rational, reasonable one. If, at your own admission, you are someone who needs a lot of attention, choosing someone who is already destined to put you second (or third, as there are 2 kids!) is maybe not the best idea.
Sorry if this sounds negative - but I would have saved myself several years of heartache if someone had given me this advice a long time ago!
This - I have been with my husband for 15 years and love him very much but If I knew at the beginning how difficult it was going to be marrying a man with three kids (10, 13 and 5 at the time) I probably would have bailed.
Just wow.
Seconded. Poor kids. Situations like this is where the term "evil stepmother" was invented.0 -
i think posting this thread was a mistake. I'm sorry to anyone I offended. Does anyone know how to delete our threads? Im sorry I don't know.
I don't know that you've offended anyone. I think people are just trying to give you something to think about. Relationships are complicated...relationships with kids are many times over more complicated. The responses I'm seeing have mostly to do with the the fact that you said that you needed a lot of attention and that you would infact get angry if you perceived you were not getting that attention (to suppose that the kids would be)...thus, I think people are telling you to stop and think about that very thing...it's huge.
If you want to continue to date this man, you should open and honestly express these concerns to him...he will probably tell you the same thing that many here are telling you...his kids come first and always will. I know you're just dating right now...and things should be taken slowly..but you do have to look at the bigger picture, and it's not all about privacy and/or kids being in the house. There are numerous future obligations that the father will have...college...paying for weddings...bailing his kids out when they've mis-managed their funds...having to cancel a planned vacation because one of his kids needs him, etc. It's a whole package, and that's what you need to look at if you're even remotely thinking about anything serious.0 -
The kids seem old enough to start becoming independent and maybe he won't care what they think.
Dad always cares what his kids think0 -
what about our privacy?
His daughter is 14. The likely chance that she would even want to be in your space, or has the time to be in your personal space is slim to none. IF you are that concerned about PRIVACY, there is a mechanism discovered in 1857 called a door lock. His daughter is 14, meaning that her likely chosen mode of communication would be to announce herself as she is approaching from great distances. Children like to yell.Also, I require a lot of attention, and will I grow angry if he doesn't give me enough?
Are you insinuating that you are going to be jealous of the love your man has for his child? Attention? If you believe that you are going to be competing for his attention with his child - a product of his loins, then you had better check, if you really want and need to be in a relationship with a man who has been forthright with you about his situation. He comes as a package. Him + 2 children. It is irrelevant that the other child lives with the mother. They are BOTH his and are therefore going to occupy a part of his heart, that you are hoping opens up to you in due course. You need to woman up and decide for yourself if this is something FOR YOU. If attention is what you want, then just maybe what you're looking for isn't exactly a man looking for a woman interested in a LTR he deems is psyched for a ready made family. You're being dishonest with yourself if you cave into a situation where your own red flags for your 'ATTENTION' requirements are feeling threatened.
Please DO NOT feel as though you need to compete with his daughter. She lives with him because she loves her dad and at 14 she probably elected to live with him. Do not complicate her life with your personal issues, if you know that you cannot corral your innate sense of needing to turn his 14 years old daughter into your rival.
His attention given you, is in no way and is not in correlation to his attention given his daughter. She is not and will not ever be her mother. So there is no 'marker' present for competition period.But thing is, now days if I want to meet a man in his 30's or 40's without kids it's nearly impossible. I don't have kids, and I am a very rare breed. Any advice?
There are always 20 somethings who don't have children and are serious about life and starting a family. They look up the ladder too. Maybe STOP looking and let them find youShould I still give this guy a chance because he seems like a real good catch??
He is a good catch for a woman who is prepared to accept him as the package deal. Him + 2 children + ex-wife +2 (life surrounding the responsibilities of a parent) + his occupation + the bills (mortgage +car + Insurances+alimony+child support) ...etc . I think the question is, are YOU prepared to share the responsibilities a father of 2 has? If your answer is yes, then proceed. If no, look elsewhere.
EDIT: If you are indeed a rarity, then I am stymied as to why the 20 somethings aren't at your door. They tend to have a nose for originals.0 -
Hi. I wasn't sure if this was the right category to put this in, but oh well. I'm currently just starting to see a guy I met on POF. He's a sweet guy, treats me like a queen, a teacher, has a house, all put together, very opposite of my last ex who was still married and didn't have time for me.
If an ex who was "occupied"@marriage [of all the men who'd dated/courted you] is the man worthy of a comparison to a single father of 2 - a teen daughter and a 12 yr old son, you will need to seriously reassess what best suits you, which you'd clearly acknowledged - hence this thread, which is a step in the right direction.I see MAJOR potential, and being 33 Im looking to settle down soon. However.....he has 2 kids. One is 12, he lives with his ex wife, and the other is a teenage girl, 14, and lives with him. I love children, I want to be a teacher myself. however, I am scared to take on that much responsiblity.
All parents seriously freak out once in a while, as they learn through the ropes, whilst parenting their child(ren). It's a good thing that you're not overtly sure, for it reflects an iota of caution, only that in my opinion the hands-on "shadowing" years are long gone and you'll basically have it made [if it develops positively well for you], since the children are at the pre-adolescent and teen stages.
Children aren't difficult in the sense, that if you relate, interact and communicate to them, as you will - your students, they will reactively reflect and deflect. Parenting is a role, not necessitated by and isn't limited to biological-relevance only. If you've set your eyes on this man [a single father of 2 children], then you'd best allow yourself to fit in their mold [the ready made family of 3 + 1 + [?] ]Luckily, his ex wife is responsible and has a well-paying job, but still......what about our privacy? Also, I require a lot of attention, and will I grow angry if he doesn't give me enough?
Privacy?! There's no such thing! If as a close friend of my male friends [some of whom are married and are in need for a weekend out and away from their children/or are single Dads who come over with their children to sightsee and what not], I get their toddlers and children and teens, dashing into my bedroom for their hugs and snuggles at unGodly hours of the morning and what I need you to understand is that there's nothing in the world that exceeds that warmth of a burst of love in the morning. It's well worth sacrificing one's privacy for.
If you are certain that there is no way in hell, you'll be able to love his children as though they are your very own - just as he does, then you'll need to distance yourself from him. If you are positive that you'll be needing more attention from him than his very own teen daughter, then what's obvious is -> Exit! When one purports to love anyone whose a parent - you honestly can not think to place yourself above what's existed well before you'd entered!! It's not done! Only he can choose to place you there!But thing is, now days if I want to meet a man in his 30's or 40's without kids it's nearly impossible. I don't have kids, and I am a very rare breed. Any advice? Should I still give this guy a chance because he seems like a real good catch??
Thank you.
You're honestly not that much of a rare breed. The world over [developed nations] are inundated with women in their 30s/40s who'd never married and don't have children [some out of choice/ some - circumstantial] and >ing [enter - "Pumas" &"Cougars"] and depending on where you're geographically located, determines the women to men ratio of single [never married heterosexual males in their 30s/40s] and the women to men ratio of single heterosexual dads [never married/divorced/widower/...]. Where I live [geographically speaking] - single fathers [to newborns/toddlers - young adults] in their 40s/50s are a common sight, as are never before married heterosexual single men in their 30s/40s/50s.0 -
It depends. How big is his junk?
It is comments like this that keep me reading the forums. Someone always says something totally inappropriate, and I am too immature not to giggle. :flowerforyou:0 -
Men who put their kids first = good.
Let me repeat that.
Men who put their kids first = good.
SOOO THIS.0 -
Men who put their kids first = good.
Let me repeat that.
Men who put their kids first = good.
_____________________________________________
I also agree with the poster that said do him and his a kids a favor and don't date him !!!0 -
If you're worried maybe you could date older men or younger ones and stay out of the kid-burdened age range.
I don't care how much crap someone throws my way for saying this: I remember being a 14 year old girl and the last thing I would want in the world would be for a 14 year old girl to have any influence on someone I was dating. They're beastly, unpredictable, hormonal, and vindictive little creatures, are teenage girls.0 -
Run for the hills, honey. I was in a similar situations several years ago, and unfortunately any man with kids will always put them first, irrespective of whether their needs are actually greater in the given situation, and who will always take their word over yours even if they're talking rubbish and you're the rational, reasonable one. If, at your own admission, you are someone who needs a lot of attention, choosing someone who is already destined to put you second (or third, as there are 2 kids!) is maybe not the best idea.
Sorry if this sounds negative - but I would have saved myself several years of heartache if someone had given me this advice a long time ago!
This - I have been with my husband for 15 years and love him very much but If I knew at the beginning how difficult it was going to be marrying a man with three kids (10, 13 and 5 at the time) I probably would have bailed.
Just wow.
Seconded. Poor kids. Situations like this is where the term "evil stepmother" was invented.
Why does everyone automatically blame the step-mom. Til you have been in the position you haven't a clue how difficult it can be. I loved my step-kids from the start. I got close to them long before I even met their dad. I love them to this day but they often made my like hell. I fell in love with my husband because he did love his kids so much. I wasn't a matter of not enough attention I always felt the kids should come first. But when you ask a kid to take out the trash and he says "f" you your not my mom it is painful. When they're mom decides she wants your husband back and gets the kids to make your life miserable and your husband doesn't believe you til his sister gets wind of whats going on and sets him straight, it's painful. Kids, especially teenagers are fickle. They love you one minute and hate you the next but when they need to lash out and the choice is between their dad and their step-mom believe me it will be the step-mom. This woman does not sound like she has what it takes to deal with this so I say bail.0 -
IMO his kids will always be his kids for the rest of his life, and if you end up marrying him they will become yours too for the rest of your life. If youre okay with that then get involved. If not, there are plenty of divorced men who do not have kids and you're young- there are probably men who have never been married around your age. I wouldn't take this on even casually if you aren't willing to take them on too.0
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Men who put their kids first = good.
Let me repeat that.
Men who put their kids first = good.
_____________________________________________
I also agree with the poster that said do him and his a kids a favor and don't date him !!!
I think that the OP really should consider it doing herself a favor too. They are just not well matched. No need to rail or pass judgement on her. Cheers for recognizing the incompatibility before it gets too sticky. Move on.0 -
I know that this kind of relationship can work, as evidenced by the many commenters here defending it. But their experiences are not yours and their priorities are not yours, so YOU need to decide what's best for you.
I personally would not date or marry a man with kids. I DO NOT do drama, and I have seen enough drama in the relationships of people I know, to know that this would not be fun for me. My husband told me that he was really excited when he met me and found out that I was single and had no kids. He came from a blended family and has half-siblings and steps all over the place. He himself wouldn't date anyone with children either. He says it's just too much drama and complicated relationships... But again, our experiences and priorities are not yours...
I know several single men without children in their thirties - one who recently married. They have chosen to wait until they were established in their careers before marrying and making babies. Those guys are out there. Don't feel like you have to settle out of desperation or anything. If you happen to fall for a guy with kids and that's ok with you, then go for it! It's your life, your choice. :flowerforyou:0 -
I depends when it gets serous, you both need to come together and dicuss some things
how many kids you both want
what your role in the family will be (and if YOUR o.k. with that)
if you both are o.k. with the house rules.
if his children grow up to not like you is he o.k. with giving a nuterul party power of Atty for you both when you get old
What enteractions does his ex play in the whole picture (and are YOU o.k. with that)
MOST important is this, A wife should come first in all things, just because he has kids with some one eles you shouldn't give up that spot as your Spouses other half (of course I am not meaning if you try and split him away from his kids, then he should pick his kids in that instance), I would strongly suggest if he doesn't agree with this don't wast your time, this man will wind up being all alone in his later years after his kids grow up and move on.
My husband has three girls 11, 10,. 8 we have been happily married for 6 years now because he puts me first and I put him first, and of course part of me putting him frist is putting his kids first,
but I am telling you if he is unwilling to give you his full heart then stay away he isn't worth the emotion and time wasted0 -
Suck it up, Buttercup. Let me put it to you this way: My mom was so busy with the men she dated she never had time for me. And she dated a string of losers. Why, WHY, should this man put you over his kids?! It's his job to raise them to the best of his ability, not to worry about playing footsie and propping up someone's ego.
You see "MAJOR potential". He's not a house you're flipping. Sheesh. You didn't offend me, but your attitude sure pisses me off. You want to be someone's 'first, last, and everything'? Get a dog.
feel free to block me or whatever0 -
I'm sorry, you don't seem mature enough to date.
1. No self-respecting parent would just force you straight on their kids, or more importantly, force their kids straight onto you. Chances are it could be months before this occurs, giving enough time to adapt to the situation.
2. You want to be a teacher, but hate kids (or so it seems). Just no. I'd never have my child taught by you.
3. You worry about not getting enough attention. You're a grown woman, not a bloody newborn child or toddler. Amuse yourself.
4. You want to settle down soon, but don't want kids around, no disruptions to private time and want all the attention. Biggest oxymoron ever.
5. Growing angry because someone gives their children more attention than you. Really!?
I'm sorry, you don't deserve him.
This is a guy who, evidently had children young - 19 for his daughter if he's 33 and shes 14 - and has his stuff together. Has a relationship with and parents both of them. Has a well paying job. Has his own house. Has future, potential, ambition etc. Which is a lot more than MANY guys can say nowadays - children or not.
You don't even know what you want. Would rather date a married guy than a guy with kids.
No, you're no good for him, if those are your main issues.0 -
Also be weary of the anger of other posters more then likely there bratty step kids or bitter ex's
So honestly just ignore them, it is SOOOOO COOOL you are asking this now, getting into a relationship of any kind should be treated careful and with an active brain
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Short answer from me... No0
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Also be weary of the anger of other posters more then likely there bratty step kids or bitter ex's
So honestly just ignore them, it is SOOOOO COOOL you are asking this now, getting into a relationship of any kind should be treated careful and with an active brain
Oh is that so? Wow...so little you think of the people that are giving SOUND advice.0 -
Also be weary of the anger of other posters more then likely there bratty step kids or bitter ex's
So honestly just ignore them, it is SOOOOO COOOL you are asking this now, getting into a relationship of any kind should be treated careful and with an active brain
Oh is that so? Wow...so little you think of the people that are giving SOUND advice.
no you miss understood me, those that are just attacking her are not giving sound advise
thats why I said angry posts, so I limited it to only the angry ones silly0 -
Lesson: think before you write.0
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Should he date YOU without them??0
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Also be weary of the anger of other posters more then likely there bratty step kids or bitter ex's
So honestly just ignore them, it is SOOOOO COOOL you are asking this now, getting into a relationship of any kind should be treated careful and with an active brain
I don't see anything 'cool' in asking an internet forum if a grown woman should date a grown man because he has nearly grown kids - the only issues being she likes attention and is scared said man might give his kids more.
No, that isn't cool. It's selfish and immature.
Oh, I have still married parents, and I'm 19, and engaged to someone who ISN'T my sons father. Go take your assumptions elsewhere.0 -
Also be weary of the anger of other posters more then likely there bratty step kids or bitter ex's
So honestly just ignore them, it is SOOOOO COOOL you are asking this now, getting into a relationship of any kind should be treated careful and with an active brain
Oh is that so? Wow...so little you think of the people that are giving SOUND advice.
no you miss understood me, those that are just attacking her are not giving sound advise
thats why I said angry posts, so I limited it to only the angry ones silly
I don't remember seeing any real angry posts. Just ones that were straight forward and I'm not sorry if the OP took offense to any of it. She needed to hear it.
Edited to correct typo0 -
Sorry for all the posts but I actually read your posts lol (sorry)
I would say you don't have to take on any extra responsibility, it should be completely up to you how much you take on, if he is not o.k. with that then no go
Also regarding your high maintiance thing you might have problems with that even with a childless man, so I guess just see if this man will be willing to give himself like that, but if you have any jelously issues regarding his time, and you know now that you wont want to share his time with his kids, I say no go, he does have kids and it is very important for his kids to have time with him just as much as it would be for you to 0 -
Also be weary of the anger of other posters more then likely there bratty step kids or bitter ex's
So honestly just ignore them, it is SOOOOO COOOL you are asking this now, getting into a relationship of any kind should be treated careful and with an active brain
Oh is that so? Wow...so little you think of the people that are giving SOUND advice.
no you miss understood me, those that are just attacking her are not giving sound advise
thats why I said angry posts, so I limited it to only the angry ones silly
I don't remember seeing any real angry posts. Just ones that were straight forward and I'm not sorry if the OP took offense to any of it. She needed to hear it.
Edited to correct typo
I think you need to take a chill pill, if you think I was derecting my posts to you you are wrong I didnt even see what you wrote,
Since I am a step mom I have been posting on things like this for years and I know the bratty step kids and bitter ex's always come out and spread their anger0 -
I'm sorry, you don't seem mature enough to date...
You want to be a teacher, but hate kids (or so it seems). Just no. I'd never have my child taught by you...
This is a guy who, evidently had children young... as a well paying job. Has his own house. Has future, potential, ambition etc. Which is a lot more than MANY guys can say nowadays - children or not.
^ This is all just so nasty. I'd ignore it.
You thinking ahead before jumping into the relationship actually shows maturity.
I didn't see anything in the OP that suggests that you hate children.
Just because this guy has "a lot more than MANY guys nowadays" doesn't mean you need to settle.0 -
Run for the hills, honey. I was in a similar situations several years ago, and unfortunately any man with kids will always put them first, irrespective of whether their needs are actually greater in the given situation, and who will always take their word over yours even if they're talking rubbish and you're the rational, reasonable one. If, at your own admission, you are someone who needs a lot of attention, choosing someone who is already destined to put you second (or third, as there are 2 kids!) is maybe not the best idea.
Sorry if this sounds negative - but I would have saved myself several years of heartache if someone had given me this advice a long time ago!
This - I have been with my husband for 15 years and love him very much but If I knew at the beginning how difficult it was going to be marrying a man with three kids (10, 13 and 5 at the time) I probably would have bailed.
Just wow.
Seconded. Poor kids. Situations like this is where the term "evil stepmother" was invented.
Why does everyone automatically blame the step-mom. Til you have been in the position you haven't a clue how difficult it can be. I loved my step-kids from the start. I got close to them long before I even met their dad. I love them to this day but they often made my like hell. I fell in love with my husband because he did love his kids so much. I wasn't a matter of not enough attention I always felt the kids should come first. But when you ask a kid to take out the trash and he says "f" you your not my mom it is painful. When they're mom decides she wants your husband back and gets the kids to make your life miserable and your husband doesn't believe you til his sister gets wind of whats going on and sets him straight, it's painful. Kids, especially teenagers are fickle. They love you one minute and hate you the next but when they need to lash out and the choice is between their dad and their step-mom believe me it will be the step-mom. This woman does not sound like she has what it takes to deal with this so I say bail.
Do you really believe that bio parents don't go through hell raising their kids? That you went through something special? Your husband not believing you was a problem between you and him and not the fault of his children or his ex wife. Kids, especially teenagers ARE fickle. They are kids, still growing, still learning and still finding out who are good role models in their lives. Who they can rely on in sticky situations and who they may want to emulate as they become adults. A parents' love is unconditional and doesn't normally come with a "damn, if I knew it was going to be this hard, I would have bailed." Especially after going through it. Normally a parent says, yeah it was hard but it was all worth it in the end. You were the adult. You held the responsibility and were the only one able to make a choice so yes I guess the blame is yours that you decided to stick around and regret it instead of giving them a chance at happiness with someone else.0
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