Should I date a man with kids?

supahstar71

Hi. I wasn't sure if this was the right category to put this in, but oh well. I'm currently just starting to see a guy I met on POF. He's a sweet guy, treats me like a queen, a teacher, has a house, all put together, very opposite of my last ex who was still married and didn't have time for me. I see MAJOR potential, and being 33 Im looking to settle down soon. However.....he has 2 kids. One is 12, he lives with his ex wife, and the other is a teenage girl, 14, and lives with him. I love children, I want to be a teacher myself. however, I am scared to take on that much responsiblity. Luckily, his ex wife is responsible and has a well-paying job, but still......what about our privacy? Also, I require a lot of attention, and will I grow angry if he doesn't give me enough?

But thing is, now days if I want to meet a man in his 30's or 40's without kids it's nearly impossible. I don't have kids, and I am a very rare breed. Any advice? Should I still give this guy a chance because he seems like a real good catch??

Thank you.

I haven't read a single response but will when I have the time.

I'm a stepmother to two kids. When I met them they were 5 and 11 (14 years ago). They are awesome. We have a great relationship. However, I was completely unprepared for how challenging it is to be a stepmother.


I love them. I love my husband. But it's easily been the hardest issue in our relationship. People have a lot of empathy for the children and a lot of empathy for the biological parents, but unless you've been a stepparent, it's difficult to understand and appreciate this role. I will write more later when I have time. But you are right to give the issue a lot of consideration

rubixcyoob

Sometimes people want things to be okay and to work, then realize at a later time that it won't. Sadly, we don't know ourselves nearly as well as we wish we did.

I cut all the before stuff out to save room

Again, as an issue of perspective, I think after 30odd years of life, around half of which was probably spent dating, I'd assume someone knows themself well enough to establish whether they know if they can 'share' someone or not (with kids, not cheating, swinging etc).

Depends on the situation. We can be pretty good at telling ourselves something will be a certain way if we want it that way bad enough. Look at Stockholm Syndrome for an extreme example of how messed up a human can get.

I just don't believe she wants it that bad though.

He has potential, and is a great guy apparently, but time and time again her selfish need for undivided attention and 'alone time' was the issues. She seemed as if she were trying to convince herself it could work, after making her mind up with the opposite route in mind, as opposed to being "here's the facts" what should I do.

If you want something enough, you compromise. You don't ask a 14 and 12 year old to compromise on having time with their father.

Toya2xcel

From what you are saying, it sounds like you are recognizing that you are kinda of needy and wont like having to compete for his time with his kids. I commend you for being mature enough to admit that. If that is the case and you are seriously wanting to "settle down" soon, please don't continue dating this man. Kids should always come first before a new potential mate and if the guy you are dating doesn't agree with that then trust me, you shouldn't want to date him anyway.

RobynMWilson

I didn't read all the comments preceding mine but I'm 40 with no kids. I had 2 stepkids when I was married (who are 19 and 17 now). You're right...the only guys our age without kids you will find have serious commitment or mental health issues lol.

That being said, the one thing I'm very careful with is not letting the guy I date introduce me to his kids till i've decided that I'm gonna stick around for a while (I'm flaky like that). I'm good with kids. Heck I work with kids and they love me. So I don't wanna get to know the kids till I've decided I want a relationship with the guy b/c I have hung in relationships longer than I wanted to because the kids got attached to me.

As Dad's GF, you don't really have that much responsibility yet and you get to do all sorts of fun things with the kids. And these are teenagers, not little ones. But one very important thing to remember is that the man you're considering is a PACKAGE DEAL. It's not just him, it's him, his kids, and the ex if you were to get serious about each other. I've lived this and I'm considering dating a much younger man now who has a little girl and a baby mama. So I have to decide if I wanna go through all of that yet again.

PikaKnight

Sometimes people want things to be okay and to work, then realize at a later time that it won't. Sadly, we don't know ourselves nearly as well as we wish we did.

I cut all the before stuff out to save room

Again, as an issue of perspective, I think after 30odd years of life, around half of which was probably spent dating, I'd assume someone knows themself well enough to establish whether they know if they can 'share' someone or not (with kids, not cheating, swinging etc).

Depends on the situation. We can be pretty good at telling ourselves something will be a certain way if we want it that way bad enough. Look at Stockholm Syndrome for an extreme example of how messed up a human can get.

I just don't believe she wants it that bad though.

He has potential, and is a great guy apparently, but time and time again her selfish need for undivided attention and 'alone time' was the issues. She seemed as if she were trying to convince herself it could work, after making her mind up with the opposite route in mind, as opposed to being "here's the facts" what should I do.

If you want something enough, you compromise. You don't ask a 14 and 12 year old to compromise on having time with their father.

Exactly. The minute she typed her statement out, she should have re-read it and she'd have gotten her answer. She wants undivided attention, etc. The guy has kids. how in the world did she ever think that she was going to make it work if she already got out of one relationship where she was upset she wasn't getting the guy's attention?

OspreyVista

Look I lost my wife to cancer a couple years ago and have young kids. They come first. They always will. I am not goign to blow them off cause some woman wants to go to the movies or spend the day ****ing. You plan ahead though. I am very upfront. I got asked out by a woman a few weeks ago and it was on basketball practice night. It was the only night she was free. I told her I could no do then. ANy good woman will RESPECT that a dads first priority is his children. Women seem to gripe about good dads who nurture their kids as much as they gripe about dead beat dads! Its just crazy!

I appreciate this a lot. I'm young, and getting married, but if I had gotten in a relationship and the guy had kids, I would definitely expect and want him to put his kids first at any given time!

wickedwendy6

Men who put their kids first = good.

Let me repeat that.

Men who put their kids first = good.

Love this!!

JustANumber85

I dont think you should date him purely because of your attitude.

I wouldnt want my kids around you.

crisanderson27

Run for the hills, honey. I was in a similar situations several years ago, and unfortunately any man with kids will always put them first, irrespective of whether their needs are actually greater in the given situation, and who will always take their word over yours even if they're talking rubbish and you're the rational, reasonable one. If, at your own admission, you are someone who needs a lot of attention, choosing someone who is already destined to put you second (or third, as there are 2 kids!) is maybe not the best idea.

Sorry if this sounds negative - but I would have saved myself several years of heartache if someone had given me this advice a long time ago!

I didn't read a single post past this.

And in response I say...HORSE. ****.

I'm a single Dad. I fought LONG and hard for physical custody of my THREE children. Know what my rule is when it comes to a live in/serious significant other? It's OUR HOUSE. That means her house, and my house. They will treat her with the respect and love they do their mother (anyone I would be with would deserve that love and respect of course), or there will be consequences. SHE comes first for me, because I can trust her to put THEM first. If I can't, again...we won't be together anyway. Understand, my children are EVERYTHING to me...I've given up more than I will ever allow them to know in order to keep them and be the one to raise and love them, but so is my wife (if I had one). This means equal footing for them at minimum, along with meaning that if she feels I can't trust her judgment, or won't back her up...she'll be gone, I'll be alone again, and my children will have lost what potentially could have been an incredibly positive, and in my opinion necessary influence in their lives.

I understand you had a bad situation, but to put that on all single fathers is truly ridiculous. That's like the men I hear saying all single mothers are damaged, and used goods...and thus not worth being with. Do you have kids? How would you like this little judgment being placed on you??

To the OP...if you can't handle the idea of being a parent...move on. No matter whether you physically gave birth or not, as a responsible adult in the home you will inherit some of those responsibilities. As the significant other of a parent, you should be willing and able to shoulder all of them. The children, and your boyfriend/possible future husband deserve no less.

Good luck.

Valera0466

Run for the hills, honey. I was in a similar situations several years ago, and unfortunately any man with kids will always put them first, irrespective of whether their needs are actually greater in the given situation, and who will always take their word over yours even if they're talking rubbish and you're the rational, reasonable one. If, at your own admission, you are someone who needs a lot of attention, choosing someone who is already destined to put you second (or third, as there are 2 kids!) is maybe not the best idea.

Sorry if this sounds negative - but I would have saved myself several years of heartache if someone had given me this advice a long time ago!

I didn't read a single post past this.

And in response I say...HORSE. ****.

I'm a single Dad. I fought LONG and hard for physical custody of my THREE children. Know what my rule is when it comes to a live in/serious significant other? It's OUR HOUSE. That means her house, and my house. They will treat her with the respect and love they do their mother (anyone I would be with would deserve that love and respect of course), or there will be consequences. SHE comes first for me, because I can trust her to put THEM first. If I can't, again...we won't be together anyway. Understand, my children are EVERYTHING to me...I've given up more than I will ever allow them to know in order to keep them and be the one to raise and love them, but so is my wife (if I had one). This means equal footing for them at minimum, along with meaning that if she feels I can't trust her judgment, or won't back her up...she'll be gone, I'll be alone again, and my children will have lost what potentially could have been an incredibly positive, and in my opinion necessary influence in their lives.

I understand you had a bad situation, but to put that on all single fathers is truly ridiculous. That's like the men I hear saying all single mothers are damaged, and used goods...and thus not worth being with. Do you have kids? How would you like this little judgment being placed on you??

To the OP...if you can't handle the idea of being a parent...move on. No matter whether you physically gave birth or not, as a responsible adult in the home you will inherit some of those responsibilities. As the significant other of a parent, you should be willing and able to shoulder all of them. The children, and your boyfriend/possible future husband deserve no less.

Good luck.

You sound like a good man and I hope you find an awesome woman. Took my husband a long time to discover what you already know. He is now sorry for that and I thank God we made it through the hard times. The kids are now grown and will admit to anyone that I was more of a mom to them than their own mother and they are grateful to have me and sorry for what they put me through. It's been a long hard road but we made it through and are very close now.

BondBomb

I had the exact opposite experience. I fell in love with being a stepmom. My stepson and I were always together. I called him my little starter baby. And when my ex and I got divorced I lost all access to him. His mom and I get along because of the kids but they moved overseas. Now I only get to see photos of a little boy I love to death. It's awful.

Dave198lbs

I dont think you should date him purely because of your attitude.

I wouldnt want my kids around you.

in a nice way but this

crisanderson27

Run for the hills, honey. I was in a similar situations several years ago, and unfortunately any man with kids will always put them first, irrespective of whether their needs are actually greater in the given situation, and who will always take their word over yours even if they're talking rubbish and you're the rational, reasonable one. If, at your own admission, you are someone who needs a lot of attention, choosing someone who is already destined to put you second (or third, as there are 2 kids!) is maybe not the best idea.

Sorry if this sounds negative - but I would have saved myself several years of heartache if someone had given me this advice a long time ago!

I didn't read a single post past this.

And in response I say...HORSE. ****.

I'm a single Dad. I fought LONG and hard for physical custody of my THREE children. Know what my rule is when it comes to a live in/serious significant other? It's OUR HOUSE. That means her house, and my house. They will treat her with the respect and love they do their mother (anyone I would be with would deserve that love and respect of course), or there will be consequences. SHE comes first for me, because I can trust her to put THEM first. If I can't, again...we won't be together anyway. Understand, my children are EVERYTHING to me...I've given up more than I will ever allow them to know in order to keep them and be the one to raise and love them, but so is my wife (if I had one). This means equal footing for them at minimum, along with meaning that if she feels I can't trust her judgment, or won't back her up...she'll be gone, I'll be alone again, and my children will have lost what potentially could have been an incredibly positive, and in my opinion necessary influence in their lives.

I understand you had a bad situation, but to put that on all single fathers is truly ridiculous. That's like the men I hear saying all single mothers are damaged, and used goods...and thus not worth being with. Do you have kids? How would you like this little judgment being placed on you??

To the OP...if you can't handle the idea of being a parent...move on. No matter whether you physically gave birth or not, as a responsible adult in the home you will inherit some of those responsibilities. As the significant other of a parent, you should be willing and able to shoulder all of them. The children, and your boyfriend/possible future husband deserve no less.

Good luck.

You sound like a good man and I hope you find an awesome woman. Took my husband a long time to discover what you already know. He is now sorry for that and I thank God we made it through the hard times. The kids are now grown and will admit to anyone that I was more of a mom to them than their own mother and they are grateful to have me and sorry for what they put me through. It's been a long hard road but we made it through and are very close now.

Thank you...no luck so far though lol. I'm happy you guys made it, sooo many don't .

To clarify my stance on this...I have three children as I said. My daughter is 15, and I raised her alone from 11mos to 7yrs old. I didn't and don't believe in divorce (not for religious reasons necessarily, but because commitment is sacred to me in every single freaking definition of the word), but I didn't have a choice. I won temporary custody, fought for two years and won sole custody. When I met my sons mother in 2005, she took to my daughter immediately. We were a family, and interacted as a family should. Without this, or the ability to do this...you shouldn't be dating a parent. More on that below.

Here's the thing single parents (male or female) so often fail to connect for some reason. If you can't trust the person you're with...with your kids, how on EARTH could you possibly trust them with your heart? If they truly love you...those little mini you's will warm their heart nearly as much as, and sometimes more than...you ever could. Additionally, there's a flip side to this. YOU HAVE TO BACK THEM. You have to trust their parenting skills, you have to INTEGRATE their parenting style into your own, just as you would if that parent were the biological parent. Without that, your house will be chaos, and the kids will use it to their advantage, simply because as children, they instinctively follow the path of least resistance. THEY DO THIS WITH BIOLOGICAL PARENTS TOO. If you go to work and leave the children in her/his care, be prepared to back up a decision you might not have made yourself when you get home. The kids have to understand that you're a unit, not two poles. When the kids are asleep, you should be able to discuss the issue and come up with a future plan of attack, JUST AS YOU WOULD HAVE TO with a biological parent.

I hope you're all getting my point here. The capitols are simply there to stress points (because I'm too lazy to use the italics code on this forum). The main thing to remember is that if you love each other, you have to love their kids as well, even if you didn't have a hand in raising them in their earlier lives and they have habits you detest. You have to work hard, gain their respect and hopefully their liking and eventually love. He has to work just as hard, by allowing you to do what you need to, and backing you when you need it, not just when he thinks you deserve it. That's what marriage is about anyhow, and when children are involved, it's only infinitely more important.

Anyhow, /rant off. This is just kind of a big deal to me...single parents have it hard enough finding someone worthwhile, without all the BS judgmental crap people throw at it making it worse.

~EDIT - Oh, and as a single parent, or someone wanting to date a single parent...if you EVER feel the need to say 'Well, they're YOUR kids!' or 'Well, they're MY kids!'...either end it right then and save yourselves the hell or IMMEDIATELY get the help you need to fix the problem. Because...and have no doubt this is true...it's the beginning of the end otherwise.

jensweighingin

Look I lost my wife to cancer a couple years ago and have young kids. They come first. They always will. I am not goign to blow them off cause some woman wants to go to the movies or spend the day ****ing. You plan ahead though. I am very upfront. I got asked out by a woman a few weeks ago and it was on basketball practice night. It was the only night she was free. I told her I could no do then. ANy good woman will RESPECT that a dads first priority is his children. Women seem to gripe about good dads who nurture their kids as much as they gripe about dead beat dads! Its just crazy!

You rock.

^This. Exactly. I hope you find someone who can respect you for the great dad you are.
Edited for clarification.

JimLeonardRN

Men who put their kids first = good.

Let me repeat that.

Men who put their kids first = good.

Thank You!

And I also thank you!

castell5

A man who has custody of his 14 year old daughter better pay attention to her and her needs.. think back to when you were 14, imagine if you were the kid.. how would you feel about the new girlfriend and the new girlfriends wants and or needs?
The kid has to come first, but a man loves his child differently then he does his companion, wife or otherwise.
He will spend adult time, companion time with you privately and with his children sometimes and you need to be sympathetic to how the kids view the scene and how you are viewing it.
If you get the kids to not like you, you will absolutely lose him.
He should never have to make a choice, his kids or you.
So learn to harmonize and understand their teenage feelings and perspectives or move on.

SPBROOKS68

You dated a MARRIED MAN who didn't have enough time for you, and now you're concerned that this new guy has kids who will need his attention?

Do him a favor; don't date him.

It sounds like you need either a SINGLE guy with no kids or one with grown kids. And no pets. Because they'll need time from him too. Make sure you put "no kids or other commitments that will detract from me" on your dating profile request sheet too. You'll be much, much happier with the guys you find.

^ Agreed + I found POF to just be a sex matching website in disquise!!!

leeanneowens

If you think you are going to be jealous of the attention he gives his children then you should not date him.

crisanderson27

You dated a MARRIED MAN who didn't have enough time for you, and now you're concerned that this new guy has kids who will need his attention?

Do him a favor; don't date him.

It sounds like you need either a SINGLE guy with no kids or one with grown kids. And no pets. Because they'll need time from him too. Make sure you put "no kids or other commitments that will detract from me" on your dating profile request sheet too. You'll be much, much happier with the guys you find.

^ Agreed + I found POF to just be a sex matching website in disquise!!!

Haha, its not even that for me! I don't think anyone is willing to get past my 'three kids' lol. Maybe they all took that woman's advice!

firstsip

Hahaha you havn't tipped your hand like she did, but I am willing to bet you were pre bais to this situation too.

hahaha you both suck and need to get on with your life

Am I on Neopets.

libbymcbain

Hello. Speaking as someone whose Dad got remarried to someone when I was 13, I would say be careful.

It will be difficult. It might be worth it. It depends on the guy.

I think you're right to be honest about what your own needs are and what you can handle and think it through before you get into deep. People can go in with too naive/optimistic an attitude and come a cropper and people can go in with a wildly competitive attitude and cause damage. Blended families are difficult. Teenage and pre-teens kids are at an age that is difficult for them anyway, and the whole pyschosexual aspect of a new partner for a parent can add to what is already a pretty confusing, insecure and hormonal time, packed with a lot of change.

And if you suspect that if you don't get enough attention you will turn into some kind of stepmonster who wants to have your own children with him and thinks that driving away his first family will be the best way to do this, then just don't. A friend of mine started dating a divorced dad and went on a campaign to come between him and his two girls. It wasn't pretty and she lost a lot of good people from her life over it. And contributed to her business going down the drain, as we were in a fairly small town and it was pretty obvious what she was doing. It doesn't exactly inspire customer loyalty (especially not for someone with an interiors shop. Stay at home moms do not buy cushions from "home wreckers"). And then it didn't work and she was 3 years older back at square one.

If you think you can handle it, talk to him about your concerns. Let him know that, just as there will be time that is set aside for the kids, there needs to be time set aside for you. Be aware that emergencies will override this (just as they should) and define between you what an emergency constitutes (kid in hospital definitely, kid stranded and needs lift yes, kid needs help with home
work at last minute when they could have asked before, probably not and it would be a good lesson for them to learn- as long as it isn't assessed for a permanent record).

Don't try to be their mother- they will hate and resent you for it. Aim instead for some kind of supportive and helpful but slightly distant adult- like an aunt but one step removed.

Oh, and I met my husband (childless) when I was 35 and he was 33. Both no kids. We'd both been very career focussed in our twenties and early thirties. So they do exist. I think the worst relationship mistake you can get into is getting involved with someone out of fear of being alone, rather than based on attraction, compatibility, chemistry etc. A relationship should be a positive choice, not something done to avoid a negative.