Getting the Husband on board! Why is it so hard?

714rah714

"In sickness, in health. For better, for worse. Till death do us part."

He's unhappy. Instead of putting stressors in his life that make him MORE unhappy, perhaps you should be trying to help him in other ways. By supporting him. Loving him unconditionally. And gently guiding him to seek some counselling.

And They Lived Happily Ever After

_VoV

Oh how I wish he had friends....... but most of you are right our problems are a lot worse than just fitness goals it's much deeper and i might be just trying to make myself feel better about wanting to leave him. This is my second marriage to someone with depression and the first ended after his 2nd suicide attempt. I couldn't fix him and i know i can't fix my husband now. I know people say focus on your own happiness but the thing is if you live with someone who is constantly negative and unhappy no matter how much you try to not let it affect you it does. I love him a lot and don't want to be without him or take his daughter away from him but i can't have that influence in mine or my daughters life. Thats why i was desperate for something to change before 6 years of my life with someone ended

Does he have any friends who might be able to invite him to do things? If he's feeling like you're nagging or ganging up on him, he might be digging in out of spite, as some have mentioned earlier. Perhaps he'd be more amenable if he didn't associate the suggestion of exercise with what he may see as your continued pressure?

I was the kind of person who despised gym class. I didn't like being made to be physically active. But when I went to college and my friends invited me to join them on a "casual" exercise session, it felt very different. Nobody was telling me to do anything, they were inviting and also provided a little bubble against the other, more experienced gym folk who might have seemed intimidating. After a while, that was one of the ways we would hang out- go to the gym, shower, then hit the pubs. When we went our separte ways, I kept working out on my own because I'd learned to associate workouts with relaxing and unwinding, all because a friend invited me instead of a teacher / coach pressuring me.

I'm sympathetic, but you eluded to him being depressed early in your relationship. Now you say this is your second marriage to a depressed person. It's highly likely that this will happen again with yet a third person if you don't figure things out. Sometimes, depression can't be 'fixed', but rather managed. Medications are notoriously difficult to get just right, and of course, counseling takes years and may not change the overall outlook on life. If anything, I would suggest brief, targeted cognitive therapy to get him a bit more active in things HE is interested in doing. He needs a starting point which makes sense to him.

_VoV

"In sickness, in health. For better, for worse. Till death do us part."

He's unhappy. Instead of putting stressors in his life that make him MORE unhappy, perhaps you should be trying to help him in other ways. By supporting him. Loving him unconditionally. And gently guiding him to seek some counselling.

And They Lived Happily Ever After

And, yes, in this disposable society, some people think spouses are like that cat who once was a cute kitten, but doesn't do it for you anymore.

k8blujay2

Well it's no wonder he doesn't give a damn... with the attitude of "fix yourself or lose me forever" going on.... I'm sorry (Actually no I'm not, but whatever), but if that is your train of thought, then I'm sure it is showing outwardly as well.... You say your husband is sabatoging your health goals... hate to break it to ya, but no he isn't... you are... you are making the choice to sabotoge it... you are just using your husband as a convienent excuse.

As far as everything else, I have to concur with the other posters here... only he can fix himself... mentally and physically.

amber1533

It's not so much the not being into fitness as it is the fact that he is never happy. I know that losing weight and getting active can help extremely with that and with his asthma. I like alot about him but its becoming increasingly harder to like someone who doesn't like them self

You can't make him change. You can make healthier decisions for yourself and maybe not give him such a hard time.

I have learned that the harder your push someone to do something you want the harder they will fight it. But if you just live your lifestyle and let him live his he will notice a difference in you and he will start to want it too I think.

kelsully

Oh how I wish he had friends....... but most of you are right our problems are a lot worse than just fitness goals it's much deeper and i might be just trying to make myself feel better about wanting to leave him. This is my second marriage to someone with depression and the first ended after his 2nd suicide attempt. I couldn't fix him and i know i can't fix my husband now. I know people say focus on your own happiness but the thing is if you live with someone who is constantly negative and unhappy no matter how much you try to not let it affect you it does. I love him a lot and don't want to be without him or take his daughter away from him but i can't have that influence in mine or my daughters life. Thats why i was desperate for something to change before 6 years of my life with someone ended


I am so sorry this is happening. We live around my husband a lot of the time. When he is up and active he is great and when he isn't we just live around him. It is hard. It is not perfect. I find myself more and more depressed, and more and more determined to not be depressed. If his negativity is hurtful toward you and your daughter then you need to intervene in some way, or maybe leave. If his negativity is mostly inward then live around him. Let him know that you love him and support him but that you and your daughter will be happy and active with or without him. You don't have to leave but do not change your plans if he wants to take a nap...we go places all the time while hubby takes a nap for one reason or another. He is supportive of my endeavors and appreciates the quiet in the house.

when his behaviors make the kids sad or leaves him irritable or if he opts out of something for the kids and it hurts their feelings I let him know it as calmly as I can. "You didn't go to the last 2 volleyball games, the kids are starting to feel like you prefer watching television to being with them...as XXXXX asked "why does daddy watch tv instead of coming to my games?" I just wanted you to know how your actions were affecting others. That is usually enough to get him interacting with us for a good long time.

I have been struggling a lot in my marriage lately too. I am rather imperfect myself and thus we have not been having a good go at it. I have been through counseling and oddly these conversations I do well. These conversations are the most beneficial to our marriage, even if they do not give us immediate results. My counselor told me a long long time ago, that as long as he is not behaving abusively to the kids to allow their relationship to be what it is. I cannot force closeness. I cannot make them want to have a great adult relationship with their father by forcing him to be someone he isn't. Their relationship will be what it is, as long as protect them from harm I cannot worry that they will be close...not everyone is...so if his lectures are boring (boring the kids is not abusive it is just boring) and way over their heads means they won't turn to him as an adult then I should just let that be. Most of the time is a great father. Most of the time we can all enjoy each other's company.

My hubby is a good man. I suspect your hubby is a good man as well. If you can't think to why you are with him then you need to find out if you can still be with him. I can really enjoy my husband. The kids adore him and want to be with him. As long as you still have things you want to do with him, and there are still things that he does with your child then make it work. I have had to let go of a lot of things and it has made some things better.

MinMin97

Sometimes to break out of a bad cycle, you just have to do what makes sense, not what you feel like.
Focusing on changing him is miserable for you and him, both.
Create the healthiest environment you can for him, but don't fight him on it.
Set a good example to him.
Be at peace with him, and let him change him.
I really feel for you, OP. This is hard right now.
Express love and care toward him, but you don't have to enable his negativity!

KenosFeoh

I don't think you can make another person do anything that they don't want to do. I've tried everything I can think of to encourage my husband to quit smoking, for example, but he won't or can't.

Sometimes ultimatums work. My husband used to drink too much, and I finally told him a few summers ago that I was planning to move out because I hate to be around drunk people. He cut back on his drinking, and I haven't moved out.

My husband is interested in very little that I am interested in. We've really grown apart, but on the plus side we have a lot to talk about because we're doing different things.

MommaKit79

I am reading some of these posts (i didnt read them all) and after re-reading YOUR OP, I think I understand what you are saying. What you are saying is not that he isnt into Fitness but, his lack of THRIVE for Life. I can understand how that can make you want to leave and/or make you want to do something about it.

My husband has been going through some rough times the past few months and has caused him to just not want to do anything...he works, comes home and plops on the couch and doesnt do much to help with the girls. I can SOOOOOO understand how it can be upsetting.

Have to tried talking to him about this instead of just giving him and ultimatum?!? Maybe sit down and tell him about what you are thinking...I know you said you tried counseling but, maybe jsut sitting and talking about things together without the Counselor there trying to get you to do things their way. Explain to him about what you are doing and that you are worried about him and how he is "living" his life being depressed and all.

Being in a marriage means going throught the ups and downs of life together. You knew certain things about him when you started seeing each other and you still decided to marry him. You must love him or you would have already been gone. Open up to him and tell him that you getting on his case isnt necessarily about him getting fit and/or healthy physically but, you want him to feel better about himself and about life.

GOOD LUCK and I hope this helps! On the other hand, if YOU are that unhappy in the relationship and you seriously just want out, then maybe you should just make it happen instead of using this as a way to show it. But, it sounds like, to me, you still want the marriage to work!!