Husband not attracted to me...need support!

Options
24567…10

Replies

  • spade117
    spade117 Posts: 2,466 Member
    Options
    Divorce.
  • greencar98
    greencar98 Posts: 18 Member
    Options
    Hi! I also just joined. I have battled weight my whole life, but was able to lose 75 pounds years ago and then met my husband. I was able to keep it off, but it was a struggle. Then I discovered speed walking and worked up to 5 miles an hour every day. Great success! Then had a car accident which nearly took my life and left me with badly damaged ankles. Blah, blah, blah. Anyway, during the past few years I have regained 20 pounds and just recently, my husband has started making subtle, but hurtful comments. OK so I need to figure out how to exercise & get this weight off. FOR ME! My self esteem has really suffered. I hear you and would love to partner with you if you'd like. Hang in there! Julie
  • Katy_G2013
    Katy_G2013 Posts: 70 Member
    Options
    Ditch the weight and the excess baggage (husband)....good luck and we will be here to support you! Feel free to add me.
  • cici1028
    cici1028 Posts: 799 Member
    Options
    Feel free to add me! I saw your picture and I think you're gorgeous! I watched my parents have this relationship my entire childhood. My father was always into fitness and my mom was naturally skinny. But after three kids, she got a little out of shape. He was always pressuring her and telling her how much better she could look. I saw the damage that did over the years... and all I can say is, do it for you (and it sounds like you are) and you'll have my support for sure!

    This is pretty common when one person goes through a transformation and another isn't there yet. I am sad that your husband isn't helping you with your journey. Some people just are never satisfied!
  • LadyPakal
    LadyPakal Posts: 256 Member
    Options
    Oh, what a familiar story (although I was not blessed with children during my fertility struggles and am now divorced from the cheating sod). You can add me if you like.
  • PaulFields56
    PaulFields56 Posts: 108 Member
    Options
    I am sorry your husband is not more supportive. I promise there are men out here who can see the whole woman. I would be proud to support you and count you among my supporters. Friend request sent.

    Paul
  • Runs4CupCakes
    Runs4CupCakes Posts: 132
    Options
    Hello All!
    I am new to this community and am LOVING all of the wonderful tools that are available here--including the wealth of support, encouragement and motivation from fellow members. I am 47 years old, have about 50 pounds to lose, although some might say I have 250 pounds to lose, if you include my spouse! We have been married for 16 years, have two beautiful daughters (ages 10 and 12), but my husband is in the middle of a mid-life crisis! He turns 52 this year and has lost weight, started working out incessantly and has told me he is not attracted to me because of my weight gain over the years. I put on weight, due to fertility struggles, two pregnancies and an auto-immune disease which requires me to eat gluten free (once I started going gf, I put on 25 pounds!). I am not on this journey to save my marriage. Rather, I am doing this for myself. However, while living with someone so toxic and negative, it would be nice to have some support from someone--even if it's strangers on a message board. I know I will lose the weight, and I know I will be one hot 48-year-old (birthday is in March).....what I don't know is how I'll feel about someone so shallow who was ready to kick me to the curb because of some extra pounds! Would love some friends for this journey!


    im really sorry your on this journey seemingly alone but you can gain some of the best friends on this site, i know i have and you keep that postive attitude and dont let the bad days get you down if you hit a binge day dont sweat it just hit harder the next day you can do this
  • Jscanland
    Jscanland Posts: 26 Member
    Options
    my husband was doing this for several years too. then he realized that I could not be treated like that if he were truly a Christian man. and I told him so. I told him straight out that verbal abuse and putting me down was making it worse. I told him I needed him to be a 'cheerleader". adn guess what. I have not lost alot, but I am on a great exercize track and he tells me I'm gorgious and sees how his positiveness is making me get healthy.

    tell him it's time for him to become a coach/partner and go to the gym with him. together you have to find a sitter for hte kids etc... together you can do this.
  • mccanntj
    mccanntj Posts: 13
    Options
    Girl, set your goal.. achieve your goal. Then dump that men like a bad eating habit.... Ok, that might be too mean.. but, love yourself and start the adventure to a new you...everyone needs a support system..you can find it here.
  • UKMarjie
    UKMarjie Posts: 257 Member
    Options
    Mightydomo and NGuk are saying some sensible stuff. I always feel that men's approach to dialogue is received by women the way a battle ship receives a kamikaze airplane into its hull - its all of a sudden and has a huge, hurtful impact. I think Nguk is right in that the feelings have probably been there for a while and I reckon that doesn't change even a smidge of how hurtful it would be to hear that said to you. I do agree with Mightydomo that there is more than a bit of self-loathing involved in his comments - if he has been overweight then he is probably pushing some of what he feels about himself, and your situation over all (with extremely stressful health situations) on to you.

    It is honest to tell you that - but it is also painful to hear it. Sometimes these things are good for waking us up. ****ty, painful but good.

    Good luck with your journey - hope it leads to health in all aspects of your life.
  • T1mH
    T1mH Posts: 568 Member
    Options
    You might want to take a look at your goals and set reasonable ones. Everyone in this thread is trying to be super supportive of you and i get that. But if your aiming to lose 50 lbs by your birthday in March you may want to reassess and set a more reasonable goal.
  • LauraJo08
    LauraJo08 Posts: 219 Member
    Options
    Although I can't relate directly, I know that my parents struggle with this situation as well, as my mother is quite overweight. I guess that the advice I would give you would be first, make sure that you talk to your husband and explain that you feel hurt by his commentary. It will be a hard conversation, but it is probably good for both of you to be honest about how each other is feeling.

    Second, I know that a lot of women here are going to comment and say that he should love you at any weight, but I would argue that a relationship stems from many things, including aesthetic attraction. It may hurt, but at least he was honest and didn't keep it simmering in his mind for longer, which could have created more problems. On the the other hand, if he is hitting his "mid life crisis" and has started making exercise/nutrition a priority, he needs to realize that HE has changed too, so flexibility is going to be required for the both of you.

    Third, I know (I have PCOS, and I'm not even overweight and my dad is gluten intolerant) that certain health issues can contribute to weight gain, but you still have a choice about what goes into your mouth, so I think that some personal responsibility is needed. If you want to lose weight and live a sustainably healthy lifestyle with your husband, you are going to need to support each other and make small, gradual, and healthy changes. Together, you guys can hash out a plan!

    Finally, I think that you said your goal is 50 lbs? I hope that that is not by March! Set your plan to no more than a 1 lb loss per week, because otherwise you might be setting your sights too far.

    I wish you the greatest luck on your health endeavor and your relationship!
  • penni214
    penni214 Posts: 34 Member
    Options
    Hang in there girl! I just joined today and am also looking for support. Please add me. We'll all get through this together. And when you get that rockin hot body, you can tell your husband you're not attracted to him and to kiss your firm little bootie! lol
  • ForeverChasingTheSunsets
    ForeverChasingTheSunsets Posts: 91 Member
    Options
    So sorry that you have to go through this!

    I just kicked mine to the curb for the same reason after five years! He did not find me attractive.... I was almost 30lbs lighter when I met him. We have BOTH gained weight. We were not married though and did not live together.

    He is turning 40 and decided he wanted kids and a family. I am 44 and already had kids from a previous relationship. So I set him free with his high cholesterol, bad eating habits and couch potato attitude.

    I have always been active. I dance, I go to the gym and I am sure my weight gain in the last four years is due a lot to age. I just have to eat less than I did and work harder at the gym to get it off.

    You are on the right track by doing this for yourself. Try and find a real buddy near your house to do fitness with and share recipes. That will also help.you and you can have someone else to keep accountable with. It will motivate you immensely. Find activities that make you happy. It doesn't have to be the gym. I do a lot of walking with my dog, dance around the house or go to Zumba. Make your life colorful in your own way. Stay positive. That is your best defence against his toxic behavior.

    You might also want to remind him that his support on your new lifestyle would be appreciated. You did marry for better or worse.

    You can friend me anytime.

    Kim
  • srcardinal10
    srcardinal10 Posts: 387 Member
    Options
    HOLY FREAKING COW! I am going to add you as a friend NOW! I hope that he sees through his negative behaviors soon. You are clearly a wonderful woman and he knows that if you've stayed married for 16 years! He needs to realize that he is a lucky man to have someone that will stay by his side for that long. Moving forward, do this for you and to be a great example for your two amazing children. STAY STRONG!
  • mamenta
    mamenta Posts: 3
    Options
    As someone who is in the same position as your husband and about the same age, I know what he is thinking..
    1 He thinks that he is killing himself to look good and be healthy and would like a partner like that.
    2. You were probably thin when he married you and wants that person back.
    3. He thinks if I can do it, why cant she do it.
    4. If she really cared about our relationship, she would try everything she could to preserve it.
    5. One person that is in shape and the other that is not is very hard to deal with..

    Honesty will help the marraige, instead of harboring resentment.
  • christou84
    christou84 Posts: 79 Member
    Options
    Sorry you're going through this!! A real loving husband would have loved you regardless of your size and encourage you to be a healthier, not going at it in a negative way!... Hugs to you :)
  • NanzyBoek
    NanzyBoek Posts: 151 Member
    Options
    I agree with the 2 guys, mamenta and nguk123, depends on his delivery. Nice that he talked to you and was honest. Maybe he misses the old you.
    It may hurt, but maybe thats the motivation you need, to save your marriage. Would you date you?
    Unless of course he was a real jerk about it.
    Women tend to overthink everything, so that why I think mamenta and nguk123 got it.
  • Ge0rgiana
    Ge0rgiana Posts: 1,649 Member
    Options
    No, actually, it sounds like you need a new husband. Sorry.
  • wannabtight
    wannabtight Posts: 187 Member
    Options
    That has brought tears to my eyes. Iwent through an abusive relationship and ended up leaving him. Unfortunately he will always be in my life because of the kids. Please feel free to add me as I know you will lose the weight. I myself am on a gluten free diet which is very hard when you can't get the whole grains and fibre that most get from a regular diet.

Categories