Husband not attracted to me...need support!
Replies
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You might want to take a look at your goals and set reasonable ones. Everyone in this thread is trying to be super supportive of you and i get that. But if your aiming to lose 50 lbs by your birthday in March you may want to reassess and set a more reasonable goal.0
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Although I can't relate directly, I know that my parents struggle with this situation as well, as my mother is quite overweight. I guess that the advice I would give you would be first, make sure that you talk to your husband and explain that you feel hurt by his commentary. It will be a hard conversation, but it is probably good for both of you to be honest about how each other is feeling.
Second, I know that a lot of women here are going to comment and say that he should love you at any weight, but I would argue that a relationship stems from many things, including aesthetic attraction. It may hurt, but at least he was honest and didn't keep it simmering in his mind for longer, which could have created more problems. On the the other hand, if he is hitting his "mid life crisis" and has started making exercise/nutrition a priority, he needs to realize that HE has changed too, so flexibility is going to be required for the both of you.
Third, I know (I have PCOS, and I'm not even overweight and my dad is gluten intolerant) that certain health issues can contribute to weight gain, but you still have a choice about what goes into your mouth, so I think that some personal responsibility is needed. If you want to lose weight and live a sustainably healthy lifestyle with your husband, you are going to need to support each other and make small, gradual, and healthy changes. Together, you guys can hash out a plan!
Finally, I think that you said your goal is 50 lbs? I hope that that is not by March! Set your plan to no more than a 1 lb loss per week, because otherwise you might be setting your sights too far.
I wish you the greatest luck on your health endeavor and your relationship!0 -
Hang in there girl! I just joined today and am also looking for support. Please add me. We'll all get through this together. And when you get that rockin hot body, you can tell your husband you're not attracted to him and to kiss your firm little bootie! lol0
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So sorry that you have to go through this!
I just kicked mine to the curb for the same reason after five years! He did not find me attractive.... I was almost 30lbs lighter when I met him. We have BOTH gained weight. We were not married though and did not live together.
He is turning 40 and decided he wanted kids and a family. I am 44 and already had kids from a previous relationship. So I set him free with his high cholesterol, bad eating habits and couch potato attitude.
I have always been active. I dance, I go to the gym and I am sure my weight gain in the last four years is due a lot to age. I just have to eat less than I did and work harder at the gym to get it off.
You are on the right track by doing this for yourself. Try and find a real buddy near your house to do fitness with and share recipes. That will also help.you and you can have someone else to keep accountable with. It will motivate you immensely. Find activities that make you happy. It doesn't have to be the gym. I do a lot of walking with my dog, dance around the house or go to Zumba. Make your life colorful in your own way. Stay positive. That is your best defence against his toxic behavior.
You might also want to remind him that his support on your new lifestyle would be appreciated. You did marry for better or worse.
You can friend me anytime.
Kim0 -
HOLY FREAKING COW! I am going to add you as a friend NOW! I hope that he sees through his negative behaviors soon. You are clearly a wonderful woman and he knows that if you've stayed married for 16 years! He needs to realize that he is a lucky man to have someone that will stay by his side for that long. Moving forward, do this for you and to be a great example for your two amazing children. STAY STRONG!0
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As someone who is in the same position as your husband and about the same age, I know what he is thinking..
1 He thinks that he is killing himself to look good and be healthy and would like a partner like that.
2. You were probably thin when he married you and wants that person back.
3. He thinks if I can do it, why cant she do it.
4. If she really cared about our relationship, she would try everything she could to preserve it.
5. One person that is in shape and the other that is not is very hard to deal with..
Honesty will help the marraige, instead of harboring resentment.0 -
Sorry you're going through this!! A real loving husband would have loved you regardless of your size and encourage you to be a healthier, not going at it in a negative way!... Hugs to you
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I agree with the 2 guys, mamenta and nguk123, depends on his delivery. Nice that he talked to you and was honest. Maybe he misses the old you.
It may hurt, but maybe thats the motivation you need, to save your marriage. Would you date you?
Unless of course he was a real jerk about it.
Women tend to overthink everything, so that why I think mamenta and nguk123 got it.0 -
No, actually, it sounds like you need a new husband. Sorry.0
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That has brought tears to my eyes. Iwent through an abusive relationship and ended up leaving him. Unfortunately he will always be in my life because of the kids. Please feel free to add me as I know you will lose the weight. I myself am on a gluten free diet which is very hard when you can't get the whole grains and fibre that most get from a regular diet.0
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Hello All!
I am new to this community and am LOVING all of the wonderful tools that are available here--including the wealth of support, encouragement and motivation from fellow members. I am 47 years old, have about 50 pounds to lose, although some might say I have 250 pounds to lose, if you include my spouse! We have been married for 16 years, have two beautiful daughters (ages 10 and 12), but my husband is in the middle of a mid-life crisis! He turns 52 this year and has lost weight, started working out incessantly and has told me he is not attracted to me because of my weight gain over the years. I put on weight, due to fertility struggles, two pregnancies and an auto-immune disease which requires me to eat gluten free (once I started going gf, I put on 25 pounds!). I am not on this journey to save my marriage. Rather, I am doing this for myself. However, while living with someone so toxic and negative, it would be nice to have some support from someone--even if it's strangers on a message board. I know I will lose the weight, and I know I will be one hot 48-year-old (birthday is in March).....what I don't know is how I'll feel about someone so shallow who was ready to kick me to the curb because of some extra pounds! Would love some friends for this journey!
I am SO sorry to hear that you're going through this. that is just awful of him to say. I've been attracted to several people in my past that now I look back on and think "you know, they're not that attractive..." but I was attracted to them because I loved them! if your husband is going through some personal struggles, you know, that's obviously something he has to deal with, but I don't think anything could warrant saying something like that to you. so I'm sorry. I watched my dad do this to my mom for their entire marriage, even though he was (at his heaviest) 400 pounds and my mom just had the extra "tire" on her midsection.
I wish you the absolute best in your journey to lose weight. As some others have said on here, set REALISTIC goals for your weight loss. start by focusing on 5 pounds, 8 pounds, etc. for MOST people, looking at the big picture of the entire amount of weight you want to lose can become discouraging and ultimately, knock you off track.
I'm adding you now! (:0 -
He sounds like a shallow loser that is letting his new physique go to his head! Just because he enjoys working out doesn't mean he can point fingers at his own wife! If he was a nice person I'd say he should ask you to join him, but I know that would probably be a miserable workout for you because of how toxic he is!
I wish you the best of luck- you're right on the money about doing this for YOU! Treat yourself right, get that bod you want, and heck- even kick the old man to the curb!! I think you're at a crucial moment to set a great example for your girls of how you should act when men say they don't like your body/how you look.0 -
SO True!!!Sorry you're going through this!! A real loving husband would have loved you regardless of your size and encourage you to be a healthier, not going at it in a negative way!... Hugs to you0 -
Feel free to add me if you want another cheerleader on your side. We all need them!0
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Feel free to add me one and all! Im a very postive person, and quite funny! Im going to have a lot of fun with this journey to great health and fitness.0
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I am relatively new to this as well. I logged on today for the first time in months! I have been in a similar situation with an ex-husband and It is very shattering to your self-esteem. I am not with anyone right now, but it is mostly because the idea of letting someone touch me scares me because of my weight issues! I like that you are on this journey for yourself and not for anyone else. I am 40 years old and have two kids (ages 16 and 4) and am very busy working more than one job (which are surrounded by constant food!). I have about 35 pounds to lose, so maybe we can support each other since we are both just starting?
I'm doing Body By Vi and also going to try to do some workouts at home. I have the 30 day shred and the Hip Hop Abs series.
What do you think :happy: ?
Thanks,
Amber0 -
Welcome to MFP! I'm sorry that your husband has said something so hurtful and here's to a successful journey. I'm on a long, deliberately slow journey to a healthy weight and also living a largely gluten-free life (intolerance rather than coeliac, so I occasionally succumb to pizza or fresh pasta).
Always happy to share my gluten-free recipes and I'm often working on lower calorie gluten-free baking. :-)0 -
What a shame! Having support from an online community like MFP is great, but, it's certainly not the same as having close friends and family behind you. My wife and I have been married for 28 years and have always been there for each other.
We both quit smoking on 4/2/12 and even managed to be civil to each other, lol. Now she is on a quest to, as she puts it, lose some "tonnage" and I am pursuing that elusive flat stomach. The important thing is that we are both getting healthier and supporting each other through that process.
Good luck with your journey!0 -
I don't think that he really meant to hurt you. I went through this with my boyfriend, and instead of just making the comments he actually took the time to explain why he was feeling it. I think your husband and you need to sit down and let him tell you why. He most likely has been feeling like this for a while. I'm the type of person who doesn't like to be told what to do, but once I'm presented with what something is doing to me or to my bf then it hits me. I was over weight and in denial. Finally it took my bf telling me something like your husband told you for me to get my butt in gear and really become aware of the problem. I know it hurt you. If hurt me too. But sometimes men are not the best at telling you how they feel about something. Weight is a touchy subject for many people. I really hope that this was his way of telling you that he cares about your health and he wants you too loose the weight. Maybe in his mind he thought that if he worded it this way, then you would want to change it more. Who knows. But you have to make the changes because you want too.0
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my husband was doing this for several years too. then he realized that I could not be treated like that if he were truly a Christian man. and I told him so. I told him straight out that verbal abuse and putting me down was making it worse. I told him I needed him to be a 'cheerleader". adn guess what. I have not lost alot, but I am on a great exercize track and he tells me I'm gorgious and sees how his positiveness is making me get healthy.
tell him it's time for him to become a coach/partner and go to the gym with him. together you have to find a sitter for hte kids etc... together you can do this.
Im very happy to read this! If you havent already try this or seek some counseling together. Though its harsh to hear that he isnt attracted to you anymore, it is an honest thought. And its hard to tell from one post if he really is an absoulte jerk and you should ditch him or if hes just voicing and opinion and you needed to vent about it. IN any case I hope you find support here and can make a good change for yourself!0 -
I am so sorry to hear your situation. He is the 1 person that is supposed to be supporting you with a struggle. And after everything you have been through. You've given him 2 daughters! But STAY STRONG! You can & will accomplish your goal. You will be that hot 48 year old You have all of our support, even if we are strangers! 0
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As someone who is in the same position as your husband and about the same age, I know what he is thinking..
1 He thinks that he is killing himself to look good and be healthy and would like a partner like that.
2. You were probably thin when he married you and wants that person back.
3. He thinks if I can do it, why cant she do it.
4. If she really cared about our relationship, she would try everything she could to preserve it.
5. One person in shape and the other is not is very hard to deal with..
That is the struggle
so what you are saying is you are divorced now?0 -
You and your husband will get through this. If either of you give up...you won't. There is times in every marriage that the balance is out of whack. Either you will be more attracted to him or vice versa. It is a cycle of change. Little things overtime are turn offs for everyone.
Emerson Eggerichs has some great books. Love and Respect and Cracking the communication code are both great. I would suggest you both sit and read Ephesians Chapter 4, 5 and 6 if you're a Christian family.
He may be a jerk but he is your jerk. This too shall pass.0 -
i'm so sorry you are having to go thru that lack of support. i know there are some great people on this site and we can help you on your journey. so feel free to add me as a friend if you would like. hopefully all men will not be lumped into this group, but reading some of the comments......oh well, we all have issues and everyone needs a little help once in a while! good luck!0
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lose weight, get strong, open your own pickle jars, leave his *kitten*.0
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you are gorgeous regardless of weight!
You have had kids, that changes our bodies.
I am sorry you are not getting his support.
Please add me if you would like supportive friends. I will help you along the way
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Divorce.
I second this.
But I am not here to give you advice - I will be your friend and I have sent you a friend request.0 -
I'm sorry to hear that! I hope you meet your goals. It's great that you are doing this weight loss for yourself. You will be an inspiration to your kids! My mom always gets on me about my weight and makes me feel terrible but I have support from my brother,sisters, and my MFP friends. Good luck on your weightloss journey. I'm here if you need words of encouragement 0
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F your husband, seriously wtf!0
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Please feel free to add me if you would like. You are a beautiful person and I wish you the best. You can do anything you set your mind to if you stay postive. We are all here for you!0
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