Husband not attracted to me...need support!
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You have a friend here. I was so glad to hear your story and you are not alone in your struggle with weight loss. I'm also glad to hear that you are trying to get healthy for YOU. I think many of us can relate to the things you mentioned in your relationship. From the small amount you shared (and me not being a therapist) it sounds like you have given much time, effort, sacrifice, and love to your children and husband. So you know deep down that if you can do all of that, you can now take those tools and energy and invest them in you. Take baby steps. Set a goal to loose 2lbs per week and start moving. I joined a gym when I first started my weight loss journey and loved the classes (zumba, tahitian beat, yoga, kickboxing) they offered because I got to meet amazing women. I even met a few girls that I workout with on a regular basis. Then I knew that if I were to do this and really loose the weight I had to look at all the things that kept me from moving. So I cancelled my cable and netflix. I know it sounds harsh. But I've lost about 45 lbs overall and I just completed my first marathon last month. I still have a goal of about 15 more lbs, so maybe we can encourage each other to keep going
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You are wise beyond your 22 years. Good post!Although I can't relate directly, I know that my parents struggle with this situation as well, as my mother is quite overweight. I guess that the advice I would give you would be first, make sure that you talk to your husband and explain that you feel hurt by his commentary. It will be a hard conversation, but it is probably good for both of you to be honest about how each other is feeling.
Second, I know that a lot of women here are going to comment and say that he should love you at any weight, but I would argue that a relationship stems from many things, including aesthetic attraction. It may hurt, but at least he was honest and didn't keep it simmering in his mind for longer, which could have created more problems. On the the other hand, if he is hitting his "mid life crisis" and has started making exercise/nutrition a priority, he needs to realize that HE has changed too, so flexibility is going to be required for the both of you.
Third, I know (I have PCOS, and I'm not even overweight and my dad is gluten intolerant) that certain health issues can contribute to weight gain, but you still have a choice about what goes into your mouth, so I think that some personal responsibility is needed. If you want to lose weight and live a sustainably healthy lifestyle with your husband, you are going to need to support each other and make small, gradual, and healthy changes. Together, you guys can hash out a plan!
Finally, I think that you said your goal is 50 lbs? I hope that that is not by March! Set your plan to no more than a 1 lb loss per week, because otherwise you might be setting your sights too far.
I wish you the greatest luck on your health endeavor and your relationship!
Indeed! Excellent advise young lady.0 -
Wow...
In my opinion, and it's just me, even if your husband feels that way, since he has been sucessful at getting the weight off, rather than saying he's not attracted to you, he should be "helping you" get to where YOU would like to be (weight). Some things you just don't say ESPECIALLY if you know it will hurt that person. Now if he doesn't want the marriage, that's btwn you and him and a whole other realm...
But on the flip side, KUDOS TO YOU, for wanting to do this for yourself; at the end of the day, it's really about what makes U happy. You can do this!0 -
IM SORRY BUT WHAT AN A HOLE HE IS YOU DO THIS FOR YOURSELF AND DO IT AND YOU WILL FEEL SO GOOD ABOUT YOURSELF THAT WHAT HE SAYS WONT BOTHER YOU AT ALL BECAUSE THIS WILL GIVE YOU YOUR OWN FEELINGS OF POWER AND THE TRIUMPH OF REACHING YOUR OWN GOALS AND THE RESPECT FROM YOUR CHILDREN AND THE A HOLE FEEL FREE TO ADD ME AND STAY TRUE TO YOUR VISION OF WHAT YOU WANT AND YOU WILL GET THERE THE BEST OF LUCK TO YOU AND THE BEST IS YET TO COME FOR YOU.0
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I'm going to put this out there, and I could be way off base from a male psyche (as, well, duh - I'm a chick)
Your husband has started working out, and is likely in much better shape than he was.
He is at the gym a lot.
There are likely women there who are in varying levels of fitness at that gym, some of them probably look pretty hot
If he has started changing the way he looks for the better, those hot women may be noticing him, some may be commenting... some may be aggressively flirty.
He may be finding himself attracted to them, and particularly flattered by their noticing of him.(EVEN if he doesn't want to be!)
Perhaps he DOESN'T want to lose you, and what he said is just him responding out of a sense of panic... feeling like if he convinced you to lose weight... then their attractiveness wouldn't be as threatening to you as a couple. Perhaps he feels somewhat guilty in appreciating their positive feedback too.
Is it possible that he fears that he may stray, and so subconsciously (or consciously) he's trying to prod you into changing too?
Now I am not advocating infidelity, or straying eyes... but I am saying that we see it all the time on here... "my husband doesn't notice me" "my wife isn't attracted to me" and at the same time there are all these "friends" on our "friends lists" that tell us daily how awesome and sexy and hot we are. Threads where people say they'd "do" you in a heartbeat, or rate you a "10"...
Sometimes it can make what we have at home look less appealing... even though what we have at home was once the love of our lives (and still could be if we worked on it)... even though what we have at home is far better than the illusion of what we would have with the anonymous interweb person
I am also not telling you that you need to change in order to keep your husband, or any of the other body shaming, wife fearmongering bs that goes out there... I'm just saying that perhaps his response is not one of malicious intent. If you want to change for you... then that is great as well! It is FANTASTIC! And you will have lots of support here... but warning... you too will also get lots of attention from admiring eyes, and find yourself in similar situation.
MY ONLY RECOMMENDATION: Talk with your husband. Please. Perhaps seek counselling as you go through this together. It's not too late to make this a fantastic process you both go through together.0 -
Seriously? My husband is 45 and I thought I was safe from the mid-life insanity - now it sounds like I have a good 10 more years before I'm in the clear...ARGH! There's no way that your marriage held together for 16 years due to nothing more than physical attraction, it's horrible that he is being ugly and negative, but the best you can do is keep working on you for you and remind him of all the other delightful reasons you two have survived marriage this long. Now I'm going to have to start reminding my husband that a sports car is an acceptable mid-life crisis acquisition, but a girlfriend is not.0
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I'm so sorry to hear about your negative support at home, but thrilled that you're doing it for yourself first! Everybody is awsome around here. Add me if you think I may be able to help.0
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I'm going to put this out there, and I could be way off base from a male psyche (as, well, duh - I'm a chick)
Your husband has started working out, and is likely in much better shape than he was.
He is at the gym a lot.
There are likely women there who are in varying levels of fitness at that gym, some of them probably look pretty hot
If he has started changing the way he looks for the better, those hot women may be noticing him, some may be commenting... some may be aggressively flirty.
He may be finding himself attracted to them, and particularly flattered by their noticing of him.(EVEN if he doesn't want to be!)
Perhaps he DOESN'T want to lose you, and what he said is just him responding out of a sense of panic... feeling like if he convinced you to lose weight... then their attractiveness wouldn't be as threatening to you as a couple. Perhaps he feels somewhat guilty in appreciating their positive feedback too.
Is it possible that he fears that he may stray, and so subconsciously (or consciously) he's trying to prod you into changing too?
Now I am not advocating infidelity, or straying eyes... but I am saying that we see it all the time on here... "my husband doesn't notice me" "my wife isn't attracted to me" and at the same time there are all these "friends" on our "friends lists" that tell us daily how awesome and sexy and hot we are. Threads where people say they'd "do" you in a heartbeat, or rate you a "10"...
Sometimes it can make what we have at home look less appealing... even though what we have at home was once the love of our lives (and still could be if we worked on it)... even though what we have at home is far better than the illusion of what we would have with the anonymous interweb person
I am also not telling you that you need to change in order to keep your husband, or any of the other body shaming, wife fearmongering bs that goes out there... I'm just saying that perhaps his response is not one of malicious intent. If you want to change for you... then that is great as well! It is FANTASTIC! And you will have lots of support here... but warning... you too will also get lots of attention from admiring eyes, and find yourself in similar situation.
MY ONLY RECOMMENDATION: Talk with your husband. Please. Perhaps seek counselling as you go through this together. It's not too late to make this a fantastic process you both go through together.
^^^^This!!0 -
:mad: It bugs me that so many wives post about unsupportive husbands. My husbnad is an *kitten* in major ways and I have had plenty of reasons to leave him over the years BUT he is the most supportive person, along with my kids, I could have ever asked for through this. I don't have a clue if I would have been as successful as I have without his support and encouragement. That being said, NO I don't think you should pack up you and the kids and find someone more supportive. I too am at the 16 year mark with my husband. These years have not been easy and therefore should not be easily dismissed.
First, tell him that he hurt you with his comment since he has also been through EVERY step of what caused your body to change, and in TWO cases HE assisted by planting the seed to your growing belly - those seeds are now 10 & 12 and need to get the rays of love only a whole family can provide.
Second, tell him how proud you are of his success and ASK him to help you find out what will work for you BECAUSE you want to look and feel good about yourself (do NOT tell him you want to look good for him... he doesn't deserve that compliment after what he said, and this needs to be done for you). IF he won't help then prepare to do it alone. :glasses: yes it would be significantly less motivating (I know, I had to work out alone the first 3 months or more of my change)
Next begin your weight loss and body building journey and don't include him if he chose not to help. Meanwhile, look into yourself, what could you be doing aside from having children, that could be different than 'in the beginning'? What sparks have you lost that you once held? Try remembering the early days and bringing back to life some things that maybe have been stored away for lack of time or energy. Maybe you used to enjoy walking together after dinner but no longer do this... So invite him to do it again.
And Cruiseking has a very valid point about the changes in your spouse over the years. Remind him of all the changes you have stood by him through and that maybe you didn't care for them but you were still there, encouraging his success, not trying to derail it with negativity. He needs to be willing to compormise in all facets because he made the same vows as you and he needs to be willing to work just as hard to cultivate your marraige now as he was in the beginning. Tell him to view marriage as his lawn or garden. Like either, a marriage needs upkeep and care, it needs watering and light, trimming and feeding, and occasionally weeds need to be removed. Tell him the negative comment is one thing you consider a dandelion damaging your lawn. :drinker:0 -
Do you believe that your husband still loves you and wants to be with you?
Do you believe that he is trying to maliciously attack you, or is he just being honest?
What if you were 400lbs? What about 500? 700? At some point do you think that he could still love you deeply but not be physically attracted to you?
I do not know your situation and I wish you the best. I also have no answers. But I think the above questions need consideration and are relevant to assessing this.
Another reason I am happy to have SS as a friend!0 -
SS does give fine advice.0
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Hey! This is my very 1st day & reply on here but something about all this is ringing quite true! I have 22 kgs to lose (I'm in Australia) so around 48.4 lbs I guess.
Interestingly, I am not feeling so confident about myself! (Kind of evident if I am in a weight loss forum!) I am 37 years old & turning 38 this May & it is time to start feeling attractive to me again! My husband... bless him... is an angel & still finds me attractive even though I don't feel attractive enough to myself to let myself have too much affection at the moment (my own worst enemy!). My weight gain was mainly through alcohol & complacency... Ah, so long beer & rum... you are not my friends :devil:
Anyway, happy for you to add me too
:happy: 0 -
Welcome! You must be happy with yourself. That's important in life. You are a very beautiful person. You may not feel like it right now...but you soon shall see the real person you are. We are here to support you. Smile...!0
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I'm so glad I read this, and I'm so glad I read through all the replies.
I loved seeing the diversity of perspectives. I really think I agree with those who mentioned that although his delivery may have sucked, his overall desire for you to get in shape actually isn't a bad thing. (I understand we don't fully know the background story though, and things may indeed be horrible beyond this. But regarding his desire for you to get in shape...I think it is okay for someone to want that in their spouse.)0 -
I feel your pain. Men want the eye candy. Mines the same way. I was super thin when we met, now I'm fat. But I'm on here for me and my kids, no man. I get the jabs here and there though I know he loves me. Its tough you'll be running circles around him soon enough good luck0
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Yikes!! First, let me say I am so happy you started this journey for the right reason "you". Second, like a few others not know your husband and your relationship please communicate with him. I love my husband dearly but the man has absolutely no tact sometimes - things pop out of his mouth and he doesn't even realize it. The first year or two of our marriage sometimes he would say things and I would get so angry and then after a few days I would talk to him about and he would be like "really, you let that bother you and that is not what I meant, how I meant it, etc.". Now I will look at him and say "Um, did you just hear what you said", and I will explain to him how it took it right away and then we usually both laugh.
However, again not knowing your situation and how the two of you normally treat each other the only thing I can say is communicate, communicate, communicate and communicate. That is the only way you will know how he is feeling and the only way he will know that is unacceptable to speak to you like that in the future - look at it from his point of view - if you don't tell him your angy and hurt by what he said then he doesn't know and he may say something like that again. As my husband always says - he can't read my mind
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Your husband sounds like my ex husband of 10 years... let me tell you I am so much happier now that he isn't around every day!!! You need to do this for you and if that's all your husband is concerned about you need to start planning your exit from that relationship!
Good Luck and do it for your kids and yourself to be healthy and around for them0 -
Stories like this make me love my husband even more...he always tells me I'm attractive, no matter how heavy I've gotten or haven't put on makeup, whatever... Good luck to you!
Thats exactly like my new fiance.... can't tell you the world of difference it makes! I am lighter now than I ever was with my ex and I WANT to be for me... but my fiance met me at my heaviest and fell in love with me and we were living together before I even started my weight loss journey0 -
Although not quite the same experiences, I have dealt with a bad relationship/marriage that lasted 7 years. It was hard to rebuild myself and pick up the peices, and I too had little support. Even at this stage, 6 years later, I still struggle with self image, but I have found strength within and in the right people, including my husband (2nd marriage).
Please feel free to add me if you would like, we all need a little help in this life. And even though we may not chat everyday, I know it helps just to know you have people waiting in the wings.
Good Luck!0 -
Just curious: When your hubby decided to start getting healthy and began working out....why didn't you join him?0
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