Husband not attracted to me...need support!
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Hello All!
I am new to this community and am LOVING all of the wonderful tools that are available here--including the wealth of support, encouragement and motivation from fellow members. I am 47 years old, have about 50 pounds to lose, although some might say I have 250 pounds to lose, if you include my spouse! We have been married for 16 years, have two beautiful daughters (ages 10 and 12), but my husband is in the middle of a mid-life crisis! He turns 52 this year and has lost weight, started working out incessantly and has told me he is not attracted to me because of my weight gain over the years. I put on weight, due to fertility struggles, two pregnancies and an auto-immune disease which requires me to eat gluten free (once I started going gf, I put on 25 pounds!). I am not on this journey to save my marriage. Rather, I am doing this for myself. However, while living with someone so toxic and negative, it would be nice to have some support from someone--even if it's strangers on a message board. I know I will lose the weight, and I know I will be one hot 48-year-old (birthday is in March).....what I don't know is how I'll feel about someone so shallow who was ready to kick me to the curb because of some extra pounds! Would love some friends for this journey!
Men can be really insensitive when it comes to weight gain and how the wife looks.
But, try to look at it from a different side. Maybe he is unhappy with his looks, and takes it out on you.
Mine is skinny and likes to point out that his weight is perfect, while I know that his eating habits are horrible.
But, when one time he decided to buy a home gym (that he used for a total of two days) and said that he wanted to get some muscles so that he would not look too skinny at the beach where most of the other men are bigger and have more muscles, It made me think...and I realized that he had a problem with how he looks, too...He is actually afraid that I may look at those other men, because I would point it out to him that he is too skinny for my taste every time he made a negative comment about my weight.
I know it is not nice of me, he bites, and I bite back, that's just automatic. :S
I guess my advice is don't rush to divorce your husband just because he is not supportive now. I would wait, unless he cheated on you. In that case...I approve. But, my point is, while you might find another man that is more supportive to you, you will not find a father to your girls. Try to write a list of his good qualities and his bad ones and weight them down. Might help with your decision.
I personally believe you will never find one man that is just perfect in everything (same applies to women). You always have to compromise and just accept some imperfections.
Good luck to you, and do this for yourself.
When you lose weight and start liking how you look, you might become more likable to him, too. Who knows.
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Hello. For starters good for you for wanting to lose weight for the right reason "you". Im sorry your hubby is acting that way. Feel free to add me. I am on here everyday.0
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I would be happy to be friends as well, if you would like. I have Celiac Disease, but also have an intolerance to many grains so I have to be very picky in what I choose as a gluten free substitute. But since my diagnosis and discovery, I have lost almost 30lbs..... The trick is not to fall for GF substitutes. Eat fresh and healthy.
As for your husband.... I would not necessarily jump to the "abusive" suggestion that so many have. I have lived with abuse, and in this case it would depend on the delivery. I do understand, though, if he is suddenly on the living fit and healthy bandwagon, that he feels that you should be too. And that is a personal choice for you. Whatever you decided, I am glad to hear you are doing it for YOU and not for him.
Hugs!0 -
Hard to tell from one paragraph what is going on with your relationship dynamic; but 1) Is he just being honest, when he tells you that he is not attracted to you? or, 2) Is he ready to "kick you to the curb"? If its #1, he may be insensitive, and delivered the message badly, he gets 0 points for tact. If its #2, your relationship is finished. If he is not attracted to you, he is attracted to somebody else, I would guess. Speaking as guy; we are not too tough to figure out. There has to be more to the story.0
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We can do it for us, for nobody else. If he feels like that yes it does hurt but oh well. We need to get over it and know that someone out there is willing to love us for us. I'm married as well i have 2 beautiful little girls ages 5 and 10. We don't live together i live in my own apartment with my girls and he lives at his moms house(long story ) but i gonne thru the same thing as you. WE CAN DO IT 0
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Hi Julie I am 49 and also dealing with an auto immune disorder. Add me and I will cheer you on. Your husband;s issues are his own, don't let them hold you back but do consider some counseling for yourself to get past his hurtful words.0
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feel free to add me! I know all about autoimmunes that cause weight gain and going on a gluten-free diet as well. It always helps to have friends that understand those problems as a lot of people don't. Good luck in your troubles. I am proud of you for doing this for yourself as that is really the only way to get anything done right. We are here to help!0
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Im married as well although my husband is very supportive and has lost his weight and looks amazing. I feel less attrative myself and want to do this for my health first and I to enjoy life with more activites and of course make his turn more.... So we can be support for one another....0
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I'm here to be your friend and support! There is no excuse for what he said. My ex always said he loved me no matter what. I gained 70 lbs with my first child, because of pre-eclampsia. The second child I was in the hospital for 30 days before I had her, and only gained 24 lbs. I never did lose the weight. I am going to lose it all now. I have health problems, so My Motivator is a strong immune system! I need that now....so let's get healthy together!
Krista0 -
You can add me for support. I am happy you are doing this for YOU because you won't succeed trying to do it for someone else. The journey itself is tough but when you aren't doing something you want to do will only make you miserable. As for your marriage it seems like you guys just need to have a conversation; the way you perceived it may not be the way he meant it. I have been married almost 10 years and most of our biggest arguments came from misperception. Good luck on this journey and I wish you the best!0
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god no....we work out together and I try to encourage her... I run a weight club where I work and they all
say I am mean and nasty....I told my wife I have no filter and I only want whats best. She use to tell me
that i had a big gut and did no believe her until I lost 22 lbs and again fit into my jeans. Sometimes the truth
hurts but helps.0 -
I'm sorry to hear about your situation. Not knowing you or your husband, I cannot say for certain what is going through his mind or why. However, based on personal experience, I can tell you this. The way we treat other people generally reflects the way we feel about ourselves. In general when someone says hurtful things like your husband has, it is really themselves about which they feel that way. My guess is that, particularly if he is having a mid-life crisis, your husband is very unhappy with who HE has become and is projecting that on you. I don't mean to trivialize it, justify it, or dismiss it. I hope it doesn't come across that way. I am just trying to explain that his attitude is not a result of any deficiency or mistake on your part. It is HIS issue.
You are definitely taking the right point of view on losing weight ... do it for YOURSELF, NOT FOR HIM!!!! I know from personal experience that being rejected (or feeling rejected) by your spouse is indescribably destructive to a person's self esteem. At least in my case, losing weight went a long way to rebuilding that self esteem and self confidence. Please add me if you like. I try to be a supportive as possible of all my MFP friends. Best of luck to you!0 -
I'm sorry that you have to go through that. I'm divorced and am now taking care of MYSELF FIRST! I have a challenge going out to all my friends for January. Just extra motivation and support for all of us. Feel free to add me as a friend and join me in my challenge whenever you are ready to. :flowerforyou:0
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I think this can be turned into a positive thing, kind of a motivator. First, he has changed his ways healthwise speaking, which is great, he could be a good resource. Second, you have your children and all that was done to bring them into this world was well worth it. Third, read the male posts and get their perspective, maybe he is just being honest and is not relaying the message well. I wish you much luck and strength on your journey!0
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Stories like this make me love my husband even more...he always tells me I'm attractive, no matter how heavy I've gotten or haven't put on makeup, whatever... Good luck to you!0
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Unless he said it in a cruel way or intended to hurt you then I cant see anything wrong with him not being attracted to you.... He did not say he does not LOVE you didnt he?.... if he stopped LOVING you because you gained weight THEN i'd say he is shallow. Remember we all have different likes and dislikes, so what if you husband is not attracted to his wife being overweight, you cant kill him for that. Please distinguish clearly beween LOVE and ATTRACTION.....if he is being cruel and hurtful to u because you are now overweight and he has lost, THEN he's a jerk. But if he simply stated he is just not attracted to you cuz u gained weight, i just see it as him being honest and expressing his feelings. I think you should try joining him on his weight loss journey, and if he doesnt want to help you get there then he DIFINITELY is a JERK. Good luck on your journey 0
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You are wise beyond your 22 years. Good post!Although I can't relate directly, I know that my parents struggle with this situation as well, as my mother is quite overweight. I guess that the advice I would give you would be first, make sure that you talk to your husband and explain that you feel hurt by his commentary. It will be a hard conversation, but it is probably good for both of you to be honest about how each other is feeling.
Second, I know that a lot of women here are going to comment and say that he should love you at any weight, but I would argue that a relationship stems from many things, including aesthetic attraction. It may hurt, but at least he was honest and didn't keep it simmering in his mind for longer, which could have created more problems. On the the other hand, if he is hitting his "mid life crisis" and has started making exercise/nutrition a priority, he needs to realize that HE has changed too, so flexibility is going to be required for the both of you.
Third, I know (I have PCOS, and I'm not even overweight and my dad is gluten intolerant) that certain health issues can contribute to weight gain, but you still have a choice about what goes into your mouth, so I think that some personal responsibility is needed. If you want to lose weight and live a sustainably healthy lifestyle with your husband, you are going to need to support each other and make small, gradual, and healthy changes. Together, you guys can hash out a plan!
Finally, I think that you said your goal is 50 lbs? I hope that that is not by March! Set your plan to no more than a 1 lb loss per week, because otherwise you might be setting your sights too far.
I wish you the greatest luck on your health endeavor and your relationship!0 -
Do you believe that your husband still loves you and wants to be with you?
Do you believe that he is trying to maliciously attack you, or is he just being honest?
What if you were 400lbs? What about 500? 700? At some point do you think that he could still love you deeply but not be physically attracted to you?
I do not know your situation and I wish you the best. I also have no answers. But I think the above questions need consideration and are relevant to assessing this.0 -
when you are committed to someone you truly love we all say and do hurtful things.. i have said some awful things to my boyfriend and i hurt him terribly. i wasn't feeling good about myself so i reacted horribly.. my boyfriend has been very patience and loving to me regardless of my mean hurtful comments.. because of his love, i love him all the more and feel so blessed to have him.. communication is so important.. he told me how it hurt him because of the comments i made.. sometimes i didn't even realize how cruel i was being.. now we both go to the gym together and are eating better and are relationship has never been better.. so maybe try expressing to him how his comments make you feel.. try not to get angry with him, although easier said then done. but hopefully it will be an awaking for him because it is possible he's lashing out on you because he's having issues with himself.. i wish you good luck and lots of patience and love..0
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i understand how that feels, however my situation is slightly different. me and my man are both in out 20s and hes constantly pointing out that im fat. but it feels hypocritical to me because he is heavier than me0
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You have a friend here. I was so glad to hear your story and you are not alone in your struggle with weight loss. I'm also glad to hear that you are trying to get healthy for YOU. I think many of us can relate to the things you mentioned in your relationship. From the small amount you shared (and me not being a therapist) it sounds like you have given much time, effort, sacrifice, and love to your children and husband. So you know deep down that if you can do all of that, you can now take those tools and energy and invest them in you. Take baby steps. Set a goal to loose 2lbs per week and start moving. I joined a gym when I first started my weight loss journey and loved the classes (zumba, tahitian beat, yoga, kickboxing) they offered because I got to meet amazing women. I even met a few girls that I workout with on a regular basis. Then I knew that if I were to do this and really loose the weight I had to look at all the things that kept me from moving. So I cancelled my cable and netflix. I know it sounds harsh. But I've lost about 45 lbs overall and I just completed my first marathon last month. I still have a goal of about 15 more lbs, so maybe we can encourage each other to keep going 0
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You are wise beyond your 22 years. Good post!Although I can't relate directly, I know that my parents struggle with this situation as well, as my mother is quite overweight. I guess that the advice I would give you would be first, make sure that you talk to your husband and explain that you feel hurt by his commentary. It will be a hard conversation, but it is probably good for both of you to be honest about how each other is feeling.
Second, I know that a lot of women here are going to comment and say that he should love you at any weight, but I would argue that a relationship stems from many things, including aesthetic attraction. It may hurt, but at least he was honest and didn't keep it simmering in his mind for longer, which could have created more problems. On the the other hand, if he is hitting his "mid life crisis" and has started making exercise/nutrition a priority, he needs to realize that HE has changed too, so flexibility is going to be required for the both of you.
Third, I know (I have PCOS, and I'm not even overweight and my dad is gluten intolerant) that certain health issues can contribute to weight gain, but you still have a choice about what goes into your mouth, so I think that some personal responsibility is needed. If you want to lose weight and live a sustainably healthy lifestyle with your husband, you are going to need to support each other and make small, gradual, and healthy changes. Together, you guys can hash out a plan!
Finally, I think that you said your goal is 50 lbs? I hope that that is not by March! Set your plan to no more than a 1 lb loss per week, because otherwise you might be setting your sights too far.
I wish you the greatest luck on your health endeavor and your relationship!
Indeed! Excellent advise young lady.0 -
Wow...
In my opinion, and it's just me, even if your husband feels that way, since he has been sucessful at getting the weight off, rather than saying he's not attracted to you, he should be "helping you" get to where YOU would like to be (weight). Some things you just don't say ESPECIALLY if you know it will hurt that person. Now if he doesn't want the marriage, that's btwn you and him and a whole other realm...
But on the flip side, KUDOS TO YOU, for wanting to do this for yourself; at the end of the day, it's really about what makes U happy. You can do this!0 -
IM SORRY BUT WHAT AN A HOLE HE IS YOU DO THIS FOR YOURSELF AND DO IT AND YOU WILL FEEL SO GOOD ABOUT YOURSELF THAT WHAT HE SAYS WONT BOTHER YOU AT ALL BECAUSE THIS WILL GIVE YOU YOUR OWN FEELINGS OF POWER AND THE TRIUMPH OF REACHING YOUR OWN GOALS AND THE RESPECT FROM YOUR CHILDREN AND THE A HOLE FEEL FREE TO ADD ME AND STAY TRUE TO YOUR VISION OF WHAT YOU WANT AND YOU WILL GET THERE THE BEST OF LUCK TO YOU AND THE BEST IS YET TO COME FOR YOU.0
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I'm going to put this out there, and I could be way off base from a male psyche (as, well, duh - I'm a chick)
Your husband has started working out, and is likely in much better shape than he was.
He is at the gym a lot.
There are likely women there who are in varying levels of fitness at that gym, some of them probably look pretty hot
If he has started changing the way he looks for the better, those hot women may be noticing him, some may be commenting... some may be aggressively flirty.
He may be finding himself attracted to them, and particularly flattered by their noticing of him.(EVEN if he doesn't want to be!)
Perhaps he DOESN'T want to lose you, and what he said is just him responding out of a sense of panic... feeling like if he convinced you to lose weight... then their attractiveness wouldn't be as threatening to you as a couple. Perhaps he feels somewhat guilty in appreciating their positive feedback too.
Is it possible that he fears that he may stray, and so subconsciously (or consciously) he's trying to prod you into changing too?
Now I am not advocating infidelity, or straying eyes... but I am saying that we see it all the time on here... "my husband doesn't notice me" "my wife isn't attracted to me" and at the same time there are all these "friends" on our "friends lists" that tell us daily how awesome and sexy and hot we are. Threads where people say they'd "do" you in a heartbeat, or rate you a "10"...
Sometimes it can make what we have at home look less appealing... even though what we have at home was once the love of our lives (and still could be if we worked on it)... even though what we have at home is far better than the illusion of what we would have with the anonymous interweb person
I am also not telling you that you need to change in order to keep your husband, or any of the other body shaming, wife fearmongering bs that goes out there... I'm just saying that perhaps his response is not one of malicious intent. If you want to change for you... then that is great as well! It is FANTASTIC! And you will have lots of support here... but warning... you too will also get lots of attention from admiring eyes, and find yourself in similar situation.
MY ONLY RECOMMENDATION: Talk with your husband. Please. Perhaps seek counselling as you go through this together. It's not too late to make this a fantastic process you both go through together.0 -
Seriously? My husband is 45 and I thought I was safe from the mid-life insanity - now it sounds like I have a good 10 more years before I'm in the clear...ARGH! There's no way that your marriage held together for 16 years due to nothing more than physical attraction, it's horrible that he is being ugly and negative, but the best you can do is keep working on you for you and remind him of all the other delightful reasons you two have survived marriage this long. Now I'm going to have to start reminding my husband that a sports car is an acceptable mid-life crisis acquisition, but a girlfriend is not.0
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I'm so sorry to hear about your negative support at home, but thrilled that you're doing it for yourself first! Everybody is awsome around here. Add me if you think I may be able to help.0
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I'm going to put this out there, and I could be way off base from a male psyche (as, well, duh - I'm a chick)
Your husband has started working out, and is likely in much better shape than he was.
He is at the gym a lot.
There are likely women there who are in varying levels of fitness at that gym, some of them probably look pretty hot
If he has started changing the way he looks for the better, those hot women may be noticing him, some may be commenting... some may be aggressively flirty.
He may be finding himself attracted to them, and particularly flattered by their noticing of him.(EVEN if he doesn't want to be!)
Perhaps he DOESN'T want to lose you, and what he said is just him responding out of a sense of panic... feeling like if he convinced you to lose weight... then their attractiveness wouldn't be as threatening to you as a couple. Perhaps he feels somewhat guilty in appreciating their positive feedback too.
Is it possible that he fears that he may stray, and so subconsciously (or consciously) he's trying to prod you into changing too?
Now I am not advocating infidelity, or straying eyes... but I am saying that we see it all the time on here... "my husband doesn't notice me" "my wife isn't attracted to me" and at the same time there are all these "friends" on our "friends lists" that tell us daily how awesome and sexy and hot we are. Threads where people say they'd "do" you in a heartbeat, or rate you a "10"...
Sometimes it can make what we have at home look less appealing... even though what we have at home was once the love of our lives (and still could be if we worked on it)... even though what we have at home is far better than the illusion of what we would have with the anonymous interweb person
I am also not telling you that you need to change in order to keep your husband, or any of the other body shaming, wife fearmongering bs that goes out there... I'm just saying that perhaps his response is not one of malicious intent. If you want to change for you... then that is great as well! It is FANTASTIC! And you will have lots of support here... but warning... you too will also get lots of attention from admiring eyes, and find yourself in similar situation.
MY ONLY RECOMMENDATION: Talk with your husband. Please. Perhaps seek counselling as you go through this together. It's not too late to make this a fantastic process you both go through together.
^^^^This!!0 -
:mad: It bugs me that so many wives post about unsupportive husbands. My husbnad is an *kitten* in major ways and I have had plenty of reasons to leave him over the years BUT he is the most supportive person, along with my kids, I could have ever asked for through this. I don't have a clue if I would have been as successful as I have without his support and encouragement. That being said, NO I don't think you should pack up you and the kids and find someone more supportive. I too am at the 16 year mark with my husband. These years have not been easy and therefore should not be easily dismissed.
First, tell him that he hurt you with his comment since he has also been through EVERY step of what caused your body to change, and in TWO cases HE assisted by planting the seed to your growing belly - those seeds are now 10 & 12 and need to get the rays of love only a whole family can provide.
Second, tell him how proud you are of his success and ASK him to help you find out what will work for you BECAUSE you want to look and feel good about yourself (do NOT tell him you want to look good for him... he doesn't deserve that compliment after what he said, and this needs to be done for you). IF he won't help then prepare to do it alone. :glasses: yes it would be significantly less motivating (I know, I had to work out alone the first 3 months or more of my change)
Next begin your weight loss and body building journey and don't include him if he chose not to help. Meanwhile, look into yourself, what could you be doing aside from having children, that could be different than 'in the beginning'? What sparks have you lost that you once held? Try remembering the early days and bringing back to life some things that maybe have been stored away for lack of time or energy. Maybe you used to enjoy walking together after dinner but no longer do this... So invite him to do it again.
And Cruiseking has a very valid point about the changes in your spouse over the years. Remind him of all the changes you have stood by him through and that maybe you didn't care for them but you were still there, encouraging his success, not trying to derail it with negativity. He needs to be willing to compormise in all facets because he made the same vows as you and he needs to be willing to work just as hard to cultivate your marraige now as he was in the beginning. Tell him to view marriage as his lawn or garden. Like either, a marriage needs upkeep and care, it needs watering and light, trimming and feeding, and occasionally weeds need to be removed. Tell him the negative comment is one thing you consider a dandelion damaging your lawn. :drinker:0 -
Do you believe that your husband still loves you and wants to be with you?
Do you believe that he is trying to maliciously attack you, or is he just being honest?
What if you were 400lbs? What about 500? 700? At some point do you think that he could still love you deeply but not be physically attracted to you?
I do not know your situation and I wish you the best. I also have no answers. But I think the above questions need consideration and are relevant to assessing this.
Another reason I am happy to have SS as a friend!0
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