I don't want a big wedding...how do I stop this???

Maris_Swan

I got engaged a month ago, and things started developing very quickly with wedding planning. I've never been one for much fanfare, but I got caught up in the excitement of it all. Last week I secured our church and reception venue, and I went to a bridal show yesterday and realized.....I do NOT want this.

My fiance supports whatever I want, and would go for a big wedding only if I wanted. No contracts have been signed, nothing is in stone, but ideally I'd love to have a small intimate ceremony with only our closest loved ones followed by a formal dinner party. That's it. My parents are on board, but I am nervous my future mother-in-law will be disappointed. It's important to her that we get married in a church (my fiance and I do not personally care. We'd rather go to the courthouse, get married, and then have a blessing by his grandfather--who is a retired minister---at our dinner party rather than jump through all the hoops to do this at church with their million rules and requirements).

I know this is our day, and ultimately need to do what makes us happy, but somehow I feel like a failure as a woman not to want all of the bells and whistles. I just don't want to spend money and time and effort on a wedding I do not want. We have our date set for November, and at this point I'll have a nervous breakdown if I do not stop this now.

What's the best way to handle this situation??

_DaniD_

Just break up.

Windy_

It's *your* wedding, and hopefully your only one...so do it the way YOU want.

kr1stadee

There's no "best" way to handle it. Would you rather a mother-in-law who will be potentially upset, for a short amount of time, or do things her way and regret it for who knows how long??

Plan what you want, stick with it. And Enjoy!! You're starting another chapter in your life! Congrats on the engagement!

myofibril

Talk to your fiance.

He can then talk to your future MIL.

Job done.

EmilyOfTheSun

When I get married...it will either be in a court house or a VERY small ceremony. I'd rather spend that money on the HONEYMOON!!!! Screw everyone else, this day is for you and your man.

oregonzoo

Talk to your fiance, and see what you can do. I mean it's really up to you. You can bend to meet their needs, or you can let your will and needs be paramount.

Myself I'm in a similar situation. BUT the wedding means enough to everybody else, when we get married it will be the larger one his family wants.

iulia_maddie

It's *your* wedding, and hopefully your only one...so do it the way YOU want.

^This.
But maybe i'm just agreeing because of her profile pic.

Jamie571

First of all, congratulations on your recent engagement!! Don't feel bad about not wanting all the bells and whistles that come with a big wedding. My fianced proposed to me back in October and we were orginally planning on having a small wedding (close family & friends only) at my parents farm with the reception there as well. As I started planning it I realized that I didn't even want to do that. The thought of planning that stressed me out and made me sick to my stomach.

Needless to say we are going to Vegas in May to get married and we are having a couple VERY informal celebrations the month after we get married. I am from MN and he is from WI where we are living now which is why we are having 2. My parents are on board and his parents seem to be but I think his mom is disappointed that we aren't going the traditional route. I haven't told my grandparents yet as I know they will be upset about us not having a pastor marry us but in the end going to Vegas works better for us and I am really looking forward to getting to marry the man of my dreams. In the end you need to do what works for you and your future husband.

sarafil

Talk to your fiance.

He can then talk to your future MIL.

Job done.

This. Have the wedding you want. And there is nothing wrong with not wanting a traditional, big wedding. Our wedding was small and it was perfect. We wanted an intimate ceremony and reception, surrounded by the people that we are closest to, and love the most.....not people we barely knew! Congrats on your engagement.

DontStopB_Leakin

It is YOUR wedding, however, it's hopefully your only wedding, which means your MIL will likely never get to see her son get married again. Since you don't really care if it's in a church or not, appease her, which is what I did.

My husband's family is mega Catholic, but neither my husband nor I are religious. We wanted it at the courthouse, his mother wanted it at the 2 billion year old cathedral. Since we paid for our wedding in it's entirety, we knew we weren't obligated to appease his mother and get married at the cathedral, but we did meet halfway in the middle. We got married at a small farmhouse (which is where we held out reception as well) by a non denominational minister. His mother was happened because we were still married "in the eyes of God" and all that jazz, and we were happy because we weren't stuck getting married in a stuffy cathedral.

That being said, your "day" will go by in a blur. The only thing I look back on and remember with great fondness was the moment I became Mrs. Ramirez. What I'm saying is, at the end of the day, it doesn't matter if you don't get "exactly" what you want on your wedding day. As long as you're married at the end of the day, you'll forever remember the wedding being perfect.

ETA: Also, don't worry at ALL about not wanting the mega headache that comes with a huge wedding. Our wedding had a wopping 50 guests and cost all of 6k. I still got everything I wanted (beautiful flowers, a gorgeous dress, a wonderful photographer, great food), but I sacrificed a lot of the less important stuff that would have just ended up giving me a headache.

Iron_Duchess

Do you need to get married at "that church" that has all the rules and regulations? Or is it that she just wants the union to be blessed by a minister? Maybe a small chapel? Talk to her and find out what she really wants. I’m not saying that her "wishes" are more important than yours, but she is family now and it is good to start without any problems. I've attended many wedding that were just the ceremony for friends and distant family members, but that stipulated in the invitation that the reception was a just a private and small dinner for immediate family. There are many alternatives. Good Luck and congratulations!

1ConcreteGirl

The only thing I look back on and remember with great fondness was the moment I became Mrs. Ramirez. What I'm saying is, at the end of the day, it doesn't matter if you don't get "exactly" what you want on your wedding day. As long as you're married at the end of the day, you'll forever remember the wedding being perfect.

ETA: Also, don't worry at ALL about not wanting the mega headache that comes with a huge wedding. Our wedding had a wopping 50 guests and cost all of 6k. I still got everything I wanted (beautiful flowers, a gorgeous dress, a wonderful photographer, great food), but I sacrificed a lot of the less important stuff that would have just ended up giving me a headache.

That's what I've always told my friends. As long as you're married at the end, the wedding was a success.

Besides the insane expense, the mere idea of planning the details of a wedding gives me a migraine. If I ever got married, there'd be no way on earth I would be talked out of eloping.

firstsip

I know this is our day, and ultimately need to do what makes us happy, but somehow I feel like a failure as a woman not to want all of the bells and whistles. I just don't want to spend money and time and effort on a wedding I do not want. We have our date set for November, and at this point I'll have a nervous breakdown if I do not stop this now.

Woah, woah, woah. You are hardly a failure as a woman because you don't want a big glitzy "Four Weddings" wedding. This makes me sad that this even passed your mind.

I might get flack for this (hopefully it's ROBERTA THOUGH, AMIRITE?), but if your family is pressuring you (and I know how pressure can be much more subversive when it comes to these things), I'd suggest bringing up the, "Okay, family, if you want things this way... how will you be helping us?" You mentioned not wanting to spend money on something you don't want; however, if your family wants something so much, then perhaps it should be up to them to help contribute. THIS can also cause issues, because that can snowball into the "We're paying for the wedding/big part of the wedding, so we say what goes." Being engaged and pushed and pulled different ways myself, I have yet to figure how to handle these various issues well... but I HAVE learned to control my stress much better, which sounds like where you are.

But if you and your fiance are primarily paying, do what you want. Do not feel like you have no control of your finances in this wedding. Your family, though important and often hard to speak against, cannot control your own wallet.

Ultimately, as my own "Big Fat FOB wedding" grows nearer, I know that more and more of my initial stresses have gone away because all I care about is marrying my fiance. Are the financial issues still looming? Yeah. Do I have a deranged sister still placed as maid of honor by my mother who is bulldozing much of my plans? Yes. Do I stress? Yes.

But, ultimately, even if it's a church you don't want, more people that you don't want, etc., you're still going to be marrying the love of your life, and that's going to help keep the nervous breakdown from pressure around you down. Focus on that.

And speaking of your fiance... hell yeah, if your future in laws are causing a problem, enlist his help.

OtiWanKenobi

My fiance supports whatever I want, and would go for a big wedding only if I wanted.

My husband and I recently got married in September and we had a small wedding and we couldn't have made a better choice for US! It was an intimate wedding with those we love and closest to us and we had the time of our lives. We remember every single detail of our day.

We struggled for months deciding what to do and when having a big wedding became overwhelming we decided to make it small for two reasons. One...we would be broke and not have enough for a honeymoon, two...we would be inviting people we don't know or family we haven't seen in years because you don't want to hurt feelings.

Eventually we didn't care and did what was right for us and we couldn't have made a better decision. Of course some friends and family were upset. We let our families and friends know by word of mouth that they can come to the church ceremony and that there will not be a reception. Can you believe that only 10% of the people we told showed up to the ceremony?!?!? That showed us we made the right decision.

Enjoy your day...it's about your day and what you want out of it. People will get upset but that's their problem and not yours. :-)

DavPul

What's the best way to handle this situation??

Like an adult

Chief_Rocka

Tell her to pay for the kind of wedding she wants you to have.

Bookchick887

Don't start off letting your MIL dictate how you conduct your life. Believe me.
Dr Phil once said that each spouse handles their own family members: your husband talks to his mom.

ewestsca

A big fancy wedding doesn't equal a happy and long lasting marriage. The only thing it truly equals is debt. I've had the big fancy wedding with my first husband and the small wedding with my second. My suggestion is to make the wedding about you and your future husband and what's important to both of you.

Maris_Swan

^this. Thank you!

lauren3101

I am also planning my wedding and have faced similar problems with other people wanting things I don't.

It's your wedding, Do what you want to do. At the end of the day, the people that really matter are going to show up and be happy for you regardless of what you do.

Maris_Swan

This is all wonderful, valuable advice....thank you ALL!

I am meeting my fiance for lunch in the next half hour or so, and I'm just going to let him know where I stand officially on this. Yesterday I was wavering with me going back to the original plan instead of going with a small wedding because I was afraid of rocking the boat. I almost feel like I'm insulting my fiance by thinking he would not support me on this, but still, I just want to keep the peace.

Kudos to the wonderful advice of starting off on the right foot with my future MIL. Yes, this is her only son getting married, but I am the only daughter of my parents to be married and they are cool with this. I just need to chill, but this is overwhelming and i am so glad for the feedback.

*I am not figuring out how to reply to individual posts, or I would have done this rather than a blanket response. doh!

cbrrabbit25

yep, do what YOU want! Your wedding is not something that you should ever regret. My husband and I went to maui for ours despite not everyone else being able to join. We just had our parents and one of my brothers with us. Not everyone could make it but it wasnt about them-it was about US!

Hellbent_Heidi

It's important to her that we get married in a church (my fiance and I do not personally care.

Its YOUR wedding, not hers. I have a close friend who went through something VERY similar, and they gave in to every one of his mother's 'demands'. Almost 10 years later, she continues to tell them how to do everything and they're always giving in to her. I'd suggest you nip this one in the bud right now so she knows that only two of you will be making decisions in this marriage!

Congratulations on your engagement and good luck! :flowerforyou:

Im_NotPerfect

Honestly...if you want any semblance of a happy memory of your wedding, you need to do what YOU want. When my husband and I got engaged, I suggested a wedding moon in Jamica or something. He wouldn't hear of it. He wanted the big white circus. So I told him he had to help me with EVERYTHING. And he did. However, to this day, I do not have happy memories of my entire wedding. Pretty much everything up until the receiption was great. The reception, however, was a nightmare for me.

If I had to do it all again, trust me, it would have gone differently.

And just keep one thing in mind...ultimately what matters is that the end of the day, whatever kind of day that is, the important thing is that you are marrying your best friend.

Juliejustsaying

Let your fiance do the talking, it is his mother...he needs to handle her. Whatever you do, don't settle for less or more than what you want. Your day...own it.

darkguardian419

My wife and I got married on a boat. Safety requirements limited the total amount of people to 10. Easy day for that

MizSaz

You guys need to communicate. Period. If your mother in law starts running the show now, it sets a very uncomfortable precedent. She's already had her day in the sun, and now it's your turn. Include her, ask her for opinions, but don't let her railroad you. It will only set you up for it to keep happening.

Alex_is_Hawks

My wedding list (should I get married) consists of two people.

if anyone doesn't like that...they aren't marrying me.


end. of. story.

saxmaniac

The problem here is that as a functional, mature adult, you see the reception (and let's not kid, the RECEPTION is what we're talking about) as the merely the beginning to a long, wonderful marriage, and the party is ultimately irrelevant in the grand view of things... and not some huge princess-for-a-day social party to impress lots of people with and get in debt for.

Clearly YOU'RE the crazy one...

Have the wedding YOU (plural) WANT. It's *both* of "your day" - forget this "her day" bull****. If your family wants more bling, and you feel OK accepting it, they can pay for it.

besaro

weddings aren't for you, they are for everyone else. enjoy the ride.