I don't want a big wedding...how do I stop this???
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My first thought is to try to compromise. I know people say 'it's your day, do what you want' but when there's family involved it's sometimes easier to compromise and manage to make everyone happy, instead of having one completely disgruntled.
First, find out what your fiance thinks his mother will say regarding what you really want, then sit down with her and explain to her what you really want, adding that you know she'd really like you to get married in a church. And ask her if she has any ideas on how to compromise. It's possible that something will easily be sorted out.
I never wanted to be married in a church as an agnostic I didn't wish to be hypocritical, but my husband's family were otherwise inclined. In the end we had a lovely, small, somewhat non-traditional church wedding officiated by a minister who assured me that while I might have doubts about God, he had none about me.0 -
Traditionally, the groom's parents hold the rehearsal dinner. This can be a small, private deal for just the wedding party, or it can be a much bigger party. If the future MIL wants more guests, more decoration, and more MORE, then tell her to go crazy planning the rehearsal party. She can do what she likes, especially if she is paying for it.
You can feel good having the kind of wedding that fits you and your husband, and she can feel good with her portion of the planning.0 -
I will most likely get bashed for this but, I had the wedding my mother always wanted and never had. I wanted to get married in the backyard with family and "our" friends (not our parents friends and business assoicates). His mother said she wouldn't come if it wasn't in their church. Mine just pushed for a big formal wedding and huge reception. I let my mother plan and we had it at his church (we put our collective feet down on a mass though since my family isn't catholic and couldn't participate). Turned out there were like 300 people! This was 38 years ago and you know what? I have no regrets. No I didn't get the small backyard wedding I wanted, but it was a nice wedding in a beautiful setting and everyone had a good time, so it was a success. Ultimately it's not the wedding that's important, it's the marriage. So weigh out what's most important. Because in the end, you are married to the person you want to spend your life with right?0
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It's a tough situation. I got married in a small ceremony, which is what I wanted. But I still have family members that aren't talking to me because they weren't invited and felt like they should have been. Good luck!0
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I just really want our new life to start as soon as possible. I don't think there's any sense to wait until November to have something just to say "ok, we're married now". I'm not into that. From the moment he proposed I wanted to be his wife. I would have married him wearing a potato sack the next day. At the end of the day it's about us and our union.
What a wonderful attitude, which is all too rare these days. You are going to have a great marriage.0 -
Elope :flowerforyou:0
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I'm gonna go out on a limb and risk sounding like a jerk but I'll be respectful about it. Anyone old enough to get married should be able to stand up for what they do and dont want. Personally, I dont think anyone who isn't paying for it doesn't get a vote. And anyone is is gets a *vote* not complete control. I am currently going through this with my future mother-in-law. I'm not going to be a doormat, I listen to her views and opinions but that doesn't mean she'll get her way. In fact, the one issue in particular she isn't getting her way. She called me selfish and I explained why her way wasnt going to work. A lot of factors went in to the decision (venue) and she has about 7 more months to get used to it.
Are you going to set a precedent now that your MIL gets her way? Find a to compromise our say the word NO respectfully but it will only get worse as kids come into the picture.0 -
First of all Congrads on your journey into a new state of being a wife! I myself recently gotten married & it was all me & my husband who had to decide on what to do & what will happen but of course mostly me. I did have a church wedding ceremony but it was my home church & church family & it was very nice & sweet without alot of sweat & bullets. I will say it is up to you to do what you as a woman/wife feel, Parents will always want a certain thing for their children no matter how old you get but I suggest that you call a small dinner with the in laws & your parents & square things away to give your self a relief. I really think if you let them know early how you feel then they will have to respect your choice rather they like it or not but in a nice way. Weddings can be stressful if you let it be, I myself did everything in less than 3 weeks & it turned out beautiful & sweet with no regrets!0
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Get married the way you want and have MIL give you what ever reception she wants later. If she wants fancy just go and smile.0
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Get married the way you want and have MIL give you what ever reception she wants later. If she wants fancy just go and smile.
This. My mom wanted a big wedding and I didn't. We eloped in Hawaii.
Then she planned a huge reception and invited all of her friends. Problem solved.0 -
Ugh.....can somone explain how to follow up on individual posts? not only can I make a decision about my own wedding, I cannot figure out how to do individual replies!
I need to set a precedence NOW that this is our wedding, our day when it comes to how my MIL wants things done. I want simple and easy. I want a beautiful day with people I love. I don't care about showers, favors, centerpieces and stuff people are going to forget and that I clearly I do not care about.
You are all amazing and giving wonderful food for thought. This is perfect timing!
I just really want our new life to start as soon as possible. I don't think there's any sense to wait until November to have something just to say "ok, we're married now". I'm not into that. From the moment he proposed I wanted to be his wife. I would have married him wearing a potato sack the next day. At the end of the day it's about us and our union.
You guys rock, btw!
Use the "quote" at the bottom of the post you want to reply to... Btw, Don't wait. Winter is low season for weddings (well, except Feb. because of Valentine's day and all...)
Thank you! First one I can reply to now! 0 -
Have the wedding YOU want.
List your minimum and maximums and figure out where you feel would be best for you.
My minimum guest list was 12. That included me, my groom, all parents, living grandparents, and siblings.
My max was 150, which was basically including 1st cousins (and their kids) and a sizable mini-list for each set of parents. A that size though, my family would GREATLY outnumber his because both of my parents came from big farm families. I have more aunts and uncles than he has aunts, uncles AND cousins. If we expanded to the cousins ring, my side began to outnumber his 4 to 1!
In the end, we decided on aunts and uncles (plus young 1st cousins still living at home) and very close family friends. This came out to about 60 (including 1 baby and 3 preteen girls).
There were no groomsmen, bridesmaids, flower girls, or ring bearers. My Brother-in-law got ordained online at our request so that he could perform the ceremony. I wrote the ceremony and kept it short, sweet and very personal. I included a "ring warming" which no one had heard of before, but everyone loved. Many of my favorite photos were from the ring warming.
We had the wedding at a small inn (like a large bed and breakfast), so family spent the entire weekend with us. We booked the entire inn, so all the rooms belonged to us for the whole weekend. We had complete run of the place and the staff treated us wonderfully.
The ceremony was in the garden outside. Most of the guests stood for the entire ceremony. The inn had a gourmet chef for our catering in it's restaurant. I also hired a musician (he sang, played piano and guitar and harmonica, plus had an electronic drum machine--dude was perfect). I hired a photographer as well, but only had her do staged shots, ceremony shots, and the first 1 hour of the ceremony. I also had my hair and nails done by a pro.
We saved a lot of money on flowers because we did them ourselves. I used of a lot of preserved dried and preserved florals from Save-on-crafts.com.
For the entire weekend we had games, food and a hot tub available for our guests. Some stayed at the inn the whole time and others also ventured out for shopping, hiking and some local entertainment. We took care of every meal for the entire weekend, but most meals were simple (bagels and cream cheese, sandwiches and salads, veggie platters from the grocery store, homemade cookies baked by both mom and MIL, etc).
We also paid for the rooms for many much of the family. (Rooms were pricey because it was a luxury place... but I have a lot of family that don't earn much money--farmers and teachers. Since we booked every room for the entire weekend, we didn't pay venue fee for the reception or ceremony. Instead of paying $2000+ for one room for a party at a "normal" venue, we got a whole inn of rooms for a weekend. ) Almost all of the family was from out of state, so having rooms built into the wedding planning meant that our guests who were family only had to cover their transportation costs.
I loved it and so did everyone else. I was really flattered when my G-ma told me that "even uncle XYZ is still raving about it, and you know how much he hates weddings."
My favorite part was that it was relaxed and I got to spent real time with everyone. Hubby and I both made the rounds and spoke to each guest several times on the big day. Everyone who has had bigger weddings had told me how it "flew by" and they "didn't have enough time to really see everyone" at the reception. Well, I had plenty of time and all the guests got plenty of time with me as well.
Hubby joked that it was a family reunion with a wedding as one night's entertainment. I can't argue with him on that.
A whole weekend spoiling my 60 family members cost me LESS than it would have cost me to have a "normal" wedding for 150 (basically a 3-4 hour party). We could have made it even cheaper, but I'm an only child (daughter) and my parents were footing most of the bill. They kept adding on things as they got ideas or as aunts and uncles started to get excited about the wedding.
When we started planning my folks were all "small is good" because they got married on the courthouse steps, whereas my in-laws seemed like they would have been disappointed if aunts/uncles weren't invited (aka had we gone the "size 12" wedding route. I think his side were disappointed a bit that we didn't invite adult cousins, but my side just snowballs too big if cousins got involved. But the time of the wedding itself though, everyone had a great time and were very comfortable with the whole thing and the size of the guest list. Hubby started laughing as we got closer and closer to the wedding and my folks started adding things to "take care of the family" (aka "spoil" the guests).
I can't help you on the church thing... Hubby is Jewish and my family is Protestant, so neutral ground was a given from the day he asked me to marry him.0 -
I'm gonna go out on a limb and risk sounding like a jerk but I'll be respectful about it. Anyone old enough to get married should be able to stand up for what they do and dont want. Personally, I dont think anyone who isn't paying for it doesn't get a vote. And anyone is is gets a *vote* not complete control. I am currently going through this with my future mother-in-law. I'm not going to be a doormat, I listen to her views and opinions but that doesn't mean she'll get her way. In fact, the one issue in particular she isn't getting her way. She called me selfish and I explained why her way wasnt going to work. A lot of factors went in to the decision (venue) and she has about 7 more months to get used to it.
Are you going to set a precedent now that your MIL gets her way? Find a to compromise our say the word NO respectfully but it will only get worse as kids come into the picture.
^^^^I could not agree with you more! 0 -
The guest list goes nuts. We went from about 50 to 150 or so because we got caught up in the "well if this person is invited, then this person needs to be invited" so be aware that can (and probably will) happen.
JM0 -
talk to your fiance and tell him what you want. My husband and I had a very small wedding. 40 people total, including us and the wedding party. It was amazing. We were able to talk to everyone all night, instead of just briefly saying hi and not seeing them at all because there are 100s of people. Yeah, people will get upset about the fact that they aren't invited, but once you explain that it is a very small intimate affair they will either get over themselves, or stay butthurt. It is your wedding. Do what you want.0
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Do what you want! its your life. I had a small Chapel wedding and a bbq reception at my house.
Good luck0 -
The most important thing to do is (1) not get yourself in debt, (2) please yourself first, then others (only if they contribute), (3) DON'T stress yourself out.. it's very easy to get overwhelmed! and lastly, (4) Invite as many people as you wish- remember, the more people you invite, the more present's you'll have to fork over afterwards. :bigsmile:0
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I got engaged a month ago, and things started developing very quickly with wedding planning. I've never been one for much fanfare, but I got caught up in the excitement of it all. Last week I secured our church and reception venue, and I went to a bridal show yesterday and realized.....I do NOT want this.
My fiance supports whatever I want, and would go for a big wedding only if I wanted. No contracts have been signed, nothing is in stone, but ideally I'd love to have a small intimate ceremony with only our closest loved ones followed by a formal dinner party. That's it. My parents are on board, but I am nervous my future mother-in-law will be disappointed. It's important to her that we get married in a church (my fiance and I do not personally care. We'd rather go to the courthouse, get married, and then have a blessing by his grandfather--who is a retired minister---at our dinner party rather than jump through all the hoops to do this at church with their million rules and requirements).
I know this is our day, and ultimately need to do what makes us happy, but somehow I feel like a failure as a woman not to want all of the bells and whistles. I just don't want to spend money and time and effort on a wedding I do not want. We have our date set for November, and at this point I'll have a nervous breakdown if I do not stop this now.
What's the best way to handle this situation??
Sounds like you already know how to handle this and have things figured out. Now, just follow through. If your mother in law is disappointed so be it. Your fiance will need to work that out between him and his mother.0 -
just say no0
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Honestly...if you want any semblance of a happy memory of your wedding, you need to do what YOU want. When my husband and I got engaged, I suggested a wedding moon in Jamica or something. He wouldn't hear of it. He wanted the big white circus. So I told him he had to help me with EVERYTHING. And he did. However, to this day, I do not have happy memories of my entire wedding. Pretty much everything up until the receiption was great. The reception, however, was a nightmare for me.
If I had to do it all again, trust me, it would have gone differently.
And just keep one thing in mind...ultimately what matters is that the end of the day, whatever kind of day that is, the important thing is that you are marrying your best friend.
Exactly! we are on the right track now. I don't want a nightmare reception, I"m sorry that happened for you! 0 -
The most important thing to do is (1) not get yourself in debt, (2) please yourself first, then others (only if they contribute), (3) DON'T stress yourself out.. it's very easy to get overwhelmed! and lastly, (4) Invite as many people as you wish- remember, the more people you invite, the more present's you'll have to fork over afterwards. :bigsmile:
LOL! we would like presents, I am not gonna lie!
I love your points, and we are moving towards that. Things are going to be fine! 0 -
I got engaged a month ago, and things started developing very quickly with wedding planning. I've never been one for much fanfare, but I got caught up in the excitement of it all. Last week I secured our church and reception venue, and I went to a bridal show yesterday and realized.....I do NOT want this.
No contracts have been signed, nothing is in stone, but ideally I'd love to have a small intimate ceremony with only our closest loved ones followed by a formal dinner party. That's it. My parents are on board, but I am nervous my future mother-in-law will be disappointed. It's important to her that we get married in a church.
I know this is our day, and ultimately need to do what makes us happy, but somehow I feel like a failure as a woman not to want all of the bells and whistles.
What's the best way to handle this situation??
Put your foot down NOW. Mother in Law will get over it. You are not religious so you can always say to her you don't want to be hypocritical by getting married in a church. Also, saying that you would rather spend the money on a home or your honeymoon instead of a big party.
As for feeling like a failure for not wanting bells & whistles - the wedding industry is designed to do that. It is all about getting you to spend spend SPEND because if your wedding day isn't PERFECT your life will be OVER. OVAH!!!
It is completely ridiculous and really quite sinister - but try to avoid it if you can. It becomes easy when you realise it is all cookie cutter guff of wearing a horribly expensive white strapless dress (despite never wearing something like that ever and regardless of whether it suits you or not).
I recommend a website called www.offbeatbride.com for great ideas and a wide range of different budgets.0 -
Just say no!0
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As for feeling like a failure for not wanting bells & whistles - the wedding industry is designed to do that. It is all about getting you to spend spend SPEND because if your wedding day isn't PERFECT your life will be OVER. OVAH!!!
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YES...and that was the vibe at this bridal place that made me sick yesterday! ugh0 -
YES...and that was the vibe at this bridal place that made me sick yesterday! ughAs for feeling like a failure for not wanting bells & whistles - the wedding industry is designed to do that. It is all about getting you to spend spend SPEND because if your wedding day isn't PERFECT your life will be OVER. OVAH!!!
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Yeah, that's why I skipped those shows. I knew I preferred the smaller size and those shows cater to the bigger is better weddings, so I didn't bother with any of them.
Etsy and The Offbeat Bride.com (Seconded!), however, were great sources of inspiration.0 -
YES...and that was the vibe at this bridal place that made me sick yesterday! ughAs for feeling like a failure for not wanting bells & whistles - the wedding industry is designed to do that. It is all about getting you to spend spend SPEND because if your wedding day isn't PERFECT your life will be OVER. OVAH!!!
Yeah, that's why I skipped those shows. I knew I preferred the smaller size and those shows cater to the bigger is better weddings, so I didn't bother with any of them.
Etsy and The Offbeat Bride.com (Seconded!), however, were great sources of inspiration.
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I am noting offbeatbride.com! sounds up my alley. it was just nauseating yesterday. My best friend told me it was something I should experience and did I ever. Never again. never!0 -
Only you know what will make your wedding day perfect. But I am curious...is it the big wedding you don't want or the big reception?0
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Only you know what will make your wedding day perfect. But I am curious...is it the big wedding you don't want or the big reception?
I didn't want the big huge reception (didn't want big thing with a dj, dance party). That also came down to sticking to a budget, and just seeing the number go up and up (at nearly $50 per person) made me sick. We are going to have about 100 people, but it will be appetizers, light lunch menu0 -
I let my Mom take the reigns of my wedding and run with it. What did I get? Something she wanted; not something I wanted. 11 years later I still am angry about how I let someone else wants to supercede mine on MY wedding day.
Do what you and your Fiancee wants. If your MIL has issue then you know that you don't need much of a relationship with her anyway.0 -
I let my Mom take the reigns of my wedding and run with it. What did I get? Something she wanted; not something I wanted. 11 years later I still am angry about how I let someone else wants to supercede mine on MY wedding day.
Do what you and your Fiancee wants. If your MIL has issue then you know that you don't need much of a relationship with her anyway.
I'm sorry things didn't go your way, but thank you for this advice. I am really happy with the way things are developing for us and my MIL is nice, and she said she doesn't want to be monster in law. lol. it's just new for all of us really but I think we've found a nice middle ground 0
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