"Seeing" your Personal Trainer? Help!

sliuba

So, I have been seeing my personal trainer for 6 months now. Not exclusively, and not publicly.

The problem I'm writing you all today is that I am getting sick of the women at my gym taunting me, making snarky comments and being rude to me because they're jealous I am seeing him and compete for his attention. (He's kind of the big cheese around town). It's really bad at my gym, and these women are COUGARS, too. (No offense ladies, I'm just 23 and shouldn't be forced to "compete" with a 40 year-old with children).

Furthermore, it has been really putting a significant strain on our relationship and now it seems like it is ending. I don't know what to do. I love my gym, I love fitness and I don't want to leave but I'm losing motivation because I'm so depressed. I mean, I love him as my trainer foremost but as my lover and friend, he supersedes all other expectations.

The unfortunate thing is his trainer-isms transcend into our personal relationship. HIS women friends are giving me bad attitudes and making me feel intimidated. His solution: Ignore it, be the better person.

---

Perfect example:

One of my main goals in training was to play indoor soccer again. My trainer and my father have played on the same team for years (yes I knew of him before the gym if that gets me any credibility). He signed me up and we began playing and it was amazing, I had the support from two men I loved! The "Hens" (as I like to call them, because they congregate in his cubicle--the hen house--and bawk, bawk, bawk all day long). didn't like the fact I was seeing my trainer in a personal setting so they decided to come watch the games, too. Soon enough, they asked to join and have pushed me out of my own team because there are now too many girls and they won't quit as a unit. It has made my fitness development impeded because I am more anxious, insecure and sad that they're around treating me like I'm not a teammate and am incapable of doing well if I have the ball. So I quit. And I told my trainer why and thus it started a huge argument that led to our current demise.

---

That's FINE for a trainer to say to a client (buck up and get strong), but as someone who is intertwined in a tumultuous relationships with too many intersecting lines; I need a little more than that. I would expect any friend to mediate the situation and call out the wrong-doers and tell them they need to stop. But he is making my feelings INVALIDATED by telling me I need to grow up and realize it's my problem.

This is a personal problem that affects my fitness goals significantly. I have plateaued for FOUR months now due to stress and inconsistently training because of these overwhelming issues.

Please, help me. Pray for me. Support me. Give me guidance.

Just DON'T tell me "You should never date your trainer." I'm pretty sure I've learned this already.

I need support, friends. Not the finger.

derekj222

maybe you should of thought about these mean women and all the possible repercussions of dating your personal trainer before you started dating him.... that's like the woman sleeps with her boss and expects no one in the office to figure it out or talk about her...its inevitable...Good luck!

FitBeto

Not the finger.

aww :sad:

ETA: Remember, haters always gonna hate

JezzD1

How is this a 'relationship' if you don't go out in public and you aren't exclusive? Seems like F buddies at best. Anywho guy sounds like a tool. Move on and find a real guy that will take you on dates and treat you right. There are lots of gyms and trainers out there so if your serious about weight loss get on it, don't let other jerks effect you. Find a gym or a video or get out and do your thing and F everyone else. Seriously. Much luck

hendinerik

I know it sounds like you shouldn't have to do so, but I would go to a new gym and get a new trainer... let the relationship stand on its own.

In the gym your only focus should have to be your wellness, not all of this drama.

I know you like the gym but ultimately it sounds like there needs to be more separation between your fitness goals and your relationship.

Sorry for the tough situation, but the above would be a simple answer... I'm suprised he still wanted to be your trainer and get involved, it seems like a conflict of interest on his part.

Good luck! Keep your health a priority, including your emotional health!

c2hrist3a

We all make crappy errors in judgement. Sounds like it's time to change gyms. This is one of those situations where you are not going to win-doesn't matter what you do. That being said-I'm 36 and happily married-but I will point out that I find the "Cougar" slam a bit snarky. I don't know why you are trying to compete in the first place. You are you and they are they.

If you are that insecure, perhaps it's time to be on your own so that you can learn how wonderful YOU are before you become part of a WE. If a bit of trouble in "love land" is going to depress you then be sure to never get married...it doesn't get easier.

How do you carry yourself in the gym? Do you lord it over people that you are dating the trainer? Did it occur to you that he may not be "the big cheese around town" as you think he is? Does it occur to you that these older women could give two craps about your relationship and maybe wanted to play indoor soccer too?

If you really base your fitness motivation on what everyone else thinks, then perhaps you should re-evaluate your motives in the first place. Good luck.

Lifetimegoals

I don't know what to say to you.

These "hens", as you called them (funny thing, in Portuguese we call hens all women who hit on other girls' boyfriends. It's a slang) are jealous of you. They made up their strategy and it has been working thanks to you - to an extent.

I understand you feel your confidence and motivation are low. But keep your head in the game, girl! My advice: focus on each thing that really matters to you, but take them one by one. Why not start with getting out of your plateau? Focus helps us tune out disturbing things/people/thoughts.

I couldn't get from what you said if you want your love relationship with your trainer to last. If you do, I'd say: do NOT help making him feel a big cheese for having all those women around him. His big accomplishment is to have dated someone witty, fun, beautiful and nice: YOU!

Good luck!

( Sorry about the way I write, English is a foreign language to me.)

LoosingMyLast15

I second (or 4th i lost count) the find another trainer/another gym. As a mature 40 year old married woman i'm going to restrain myself from making a snarky comment about everything else you wrote. good luck to you

hatethegame

I'm not promising that I wouldn't have done the same thing at your age but... It sounds like it's over so move to a different gym and don't get involved with your trainer in the future. He shouldn't get involved with his clients. Most employers will fire you for that but I doubt it's all that uncommon.

Not trying to be rude or insensitive.. just my opinion

snowboardn

Sounds like you need to get better at soccer.

sliuba

Sometimes it does feel that way. I don't feel treated like a lady because he has never taken me on a real date before in 6 months. I wasn't even allowed to buy him a Christmas present with the "Hens" bought one and he gladly accepted it. I just keep thinking it will get better once he's past his commitment issues. Maybe I'm just blinded by a one-sided love. And it's based on the fact I put my trust in him because he's my trainer and has made me succeed so much.

sliuba

Sounds like you need to get better at soccer.

Sounds like you're right.

sliuba

I know it sounds like you shouldn't have to do so, but I would go to a new gym and get a new trainer... let the relationship stand on its own.

In the gym your only focus should have to be your wellness, not all of this drama.

I know you like the gym but ultimately it sounds like there needs to be more separation between your fitness goals and your relationship.

Sorry for the tough situation, but the above would be a simple answer... I'm suprised he still wanted to be your trainer and get involved, it seems like a conflict of interest on his part.

Good luck! Keep your health a priority, including your emotional health!

Thanks. I know. My training sessions are ending soon and I have to decide if I want to renew or not. I would be broken hearted emotionally and fitness-wise if I don't continue. He's helped me progress so much this last year. It would be like throwing away a good pair of work shoes because they don't go with my outfits... or something.

Either way, the fact hat my emotional health is at stake is a good reason to move on.

xelalarenee

Separation of church and state - separation of boyfriend and trainer. Either get a new trainer, or get a new boyfriend. Is he more important to you as a relationship or a fitness instructor?

sliuba

We all make crappy errors in judgement. Sounds like it's time to change gyms. This is one of those situations where you are not going to win-doesn't matter what you do. That being said-I'm 36 and happily married-but I will point out that I find the "Cougar" slam a bit snarky. I don't know why you are trying to compete in the first place. You are you and they are they.

If you are that insecure, perhaps it's time to be on your own so that you can learn how wonderful YOU are before you become part of a WE. If a bit of trouble in "love land" is going to depress you then be sure to never get married...it doesn't get easier.

How do you carry yourself in the gym? Do you lord it over people that you are dating the trainer? Did it occur to you that he may not be "the big cheese around town" as you think he is? Does it occur to you that these older women could give two craps about your relationship and maybe wanted to play indoor soccer too?

If you really base your fitness motivation on what everyone else thinks, then perhaps you should re-evaluate your motives in the first place. Good luck.

Yes, I realize it's a crude term. But the comments made in the lockerroom at earshot are things like "I'm more experienced than she is anyway. She has a pre-pubescent figure, why would he want to be with her? She doesn't even know how to do her make up." etc... I'm 23 years old, not 12. And these are women that are either married (yes, married), divorced or, in one specific case, only at the gym to find a boyfriend. (Literally, said by the woman herself).

One lady specifically I admired so much and I knew she was trying to "get" at him. But that didn't bother me because I wasn't threatened by anyone because I trusted his care for me. It wasn't until she found out about me that she dismissed our friendship and started being very rude to me. I had not done anything.

I don't wish to compete. I stayed under the radar. No pictures on facebook, no walking out together holding hands. Women found out because of his mouth, really. That's his bad. But it's a small family community of a gym. Word travels fast.

And I understand your critiques on whether all of this is in my head or not. But I never felt any pressure of acts of aggression until I started seeing him. I didn't join the gym to find someone to date. I am 4 years single and am preparing to move away for graduate school. The last thing I wished was a relationship. But feelings developed as unfortunate of an occurrence as that is.

Sure, maybe they really just want to play soccer and this is all unpecable timing. I really don't know. But I do know when I try and say "Hi" at the soccer field they roll their eyes at me and walk away when I try to open my arms for a hug. I've tried to "Kill them with kindness." And It doesn't work. and I can assure you, I've never done anything upsetting or unacceptable toward them. I saw them as leaders in the classes and I looked up to their knowledge. I can only go off of what I know and my feelings currently.

I hope that helps you understand a little better that I'm not there for the wrong reasons, I really just want to get to my goals. And I regret ever getting involved this deeply with my trainer. I just want to progress positively from this.

sliuba

Separation of church and state - separation of boyfriend and trainer. Either get a new trainer, or get a new boyfriend. Is he more important to you as a relationship or a fitness instructor?

At this point, a fitness instructor. I was much happier with our friendship before all this confusion came about.

MrsSardone

I don't think he'll want a commitment with you anytime soon. If you really meant anything to him he would've told the "hens" to back off and he would've been ok with receiving a Christmas present from you. It's time to join a new gym, get a new trainer, and find a new boyfriend.

MaraDiaz

The only thing I could think was how much I'd hate dating a personal trainer. I just know he'd nudge me at 4:30 in the ungodly AM and ask me if I wanted to go for a run.

As for the cougar thing, that isn't the problem. The problem is women hitting on another woman's man. Just no, ladies, stop it. Sharing is icky and gross and gives you cooties and drama.

sliuba

I'm not promising that I wouldn't have done the same thing at your age but... It sounds like it's over so move to a different gym and don't get involved with your trainer in the future. He shouldn't get involved with his clients. Most employers will fire you for that but I doubt it's all that uncommon.

Not trying to be rude or insensitive.. just my opinion

I definitely don't think you're being rude. I have a past in journalism so criticism or critiquing is something I'm used to and frankly welcome at times. I wanted more of a "poor you" response from everyone but from re-evaluating my statement and the words spoken I need more strength to get through this than to be sympathized for.

And yes, he already has gotten in trouble for that very thing before which is why we were hush-hush about it. He only meets women at the gym, his life is as a fitness manager. He doesn't go out or anything like that so I get that his developments with women aren't going to come from Sunday Mass.

sliuba

The only thing I could think was how much I'd hate dating a personal trainer. I just know he'd nudge me at 4:30 in the ungodly AM and ask me if I wanted to go for a run.

As for the cougar thing, that isn't the problem. The problem is women hitting on another woman's man. Just no, ladies, stop it. Sharing is icky and gross and gives you cooties and drama.

Yeah. It just happened to be that it was only 35+ year olds attracted to him that gave me issues. The younger ones were always my friends regardless knowing I was seeing him. It's weird to see the difference in maturity. I wonder if I was older if it would have been flipped scenarios. Either way. it was WOMEN that did this. And I allowed myself to let them in my head and shake up my confidence. And that's my bad. I just wish I was strong enough to not let it affect me. But I'm in a vulnerable stage--weight loss--and the gym is supposed to be my place of meditation.

gonzo2802

I think something you might need to keep in mind is that these "hens" and "cougars" are also his clients, yes? So in essence, from what I'm reading, it sounds like you want him to put you and your feelings ahead of his clients (or paycheck, for lack of a better way to put it). That's asking an awful lot from what sounds like a very casual relationship. Also, be careful about the vibe YOU are sending off. If you come across in person similar to the tone in this thread you probably would be waving a red cape in front of the average woman, whether they're interested in your trainer friend or not.

As much as you may be loathe to do so, I think you need to find another gym and another trainer. This guy may have helped you get to where you are now, but by your own words you've been stalled for the past four months and I don't see how anyone's actions but yours are going to change any time soon.

Edit -- At the time I wrote this I didn't see your posts about the kind of comments they were making, etc....but the rest of the advice still stands.

xelalarenee

It's really impressive that you know exactly you feel! At least your head isn't cloudy about what you want. It will be harder going backwards in the relationship than forwards, unfortunately. Good luck! I hope he's mature enough to continue in a professional manner and doesn't start dating another client. Although, if he does, I'm sure the hens would welcome you back into their club with open arms.

ItsCasey

Who is "forcing" you to compete with anyone? If you feel like you are competing for a man's attention, then he's not really yours.

And dating your trainer is a bit like dating your boss; there's only one way it can end well, and, given that you feel you are competing with women nearly twice your age, I don't see the two of you walking down the aisle any time soon.

Chief_Rocka

Just get a new trainer

sliuba

I don't know what to say to you.

These "hens", as you called them (funny thing, in Portuguese we call hens all women who hit on other girls' boyfriends. It's a slang) are jealous of you. They made up their strategy and it has been working thanks to you - to an extent.

I understand you feel your confidence and motivation are low. But keep your head in the game, girl! My advice: focus on each thing that really matters to you, but take them one by one. Why not start with getting out of your plateau? Focus helps us tune out disturbing things/people/thoughts.

I couldn't get from what you said if you want your love relationship with your trainer to last. If you do, I'd say: do NOT help making him feel a big cheese for having all those women around him. His big accomplishment is to have dated someone witty, fun, beautiful and nice: YOU!

Good luck!

( Sorry about the way I write, English is a foreign language to me.)

Eu falo portuguese e no inicio eu chamei ele "galinha" por essa razao. Mas agora vejo que aqui nos EUA eh melhor pra usar esta palavra com as mulheres assim.

Minhas amigas brasileiras entendem mais do que minhas americanas. Eh porque quase toda brasileira nao aguente esse tipo de homem. Eu ganhei minha confianca no Brasil neste verao passado. E eu perdi quando eu comecei a namorar com ele .

Luvmesumkenny

HATERS GONNA HATE!!!
Sharing is Caring!

jnh17

Sometimes it does feel that way. I don't feel treated like a lady because he has never taken me on a real date before in 6 months. I wasn't even allowed to buy him a Christmas present with the "Hens" bought one and he gladly accepted it. I just keep thinking it will get better once he's past his commitment issues. Maybe I'm just blinded by a one-sided love. And it's based on the fact I put my trust in him because he's my trainer and has made me succeed so much.

He's never taken you on a date? Sorry to be the one to tell you this, but in his opinion, you guys aren't dating.

sarahmichelle91xx

How is this a 'relationship' if you don't go out in public and you aren't exclusive? Seems like F buddies at best. Anywho guy sounds like a tool. Move on and find a real guy that will take you on dates and treat you right. There are lots of gyms and trainers out there so if your serious about weight loss get on it, don't let other jerks effect you. Find a gym or a video or get out and do your thing and F everyone else. Seriously. Much luck

^^^^^ this

sliuba

I think something you might need to keep in mind is that these "hens" and "cougars" are also his clients, yes? So in essence, from what I'm reading, it sounds like you want him to put you and your feelings ahead of his clients (or paycheck, for lack of a better way to put it). That's asking an awful lot from what sounds like a very casual relationship. Also, be careful about the vibe YOU are sending off. If you come across in person similar to the tone in this thread you probably would be waving a red cape in front of the average woman, whether they're interested in your trainer friend or not.

As much as you may be loathe to do so, I think you need to find another gym and another trainer. This guy may have helped you get to where you are now, but by your own words you've been stalled for the past four months and I don't see how anyone's actions but yours are going to change any time soon.

Edit -- At the time I wrote this I didn't see your posts about the kind of comments they were making, etc....but the rest of the advice still stands.

You're right about that. They are his clients and I shouldn't be asking him to put my feelings above theirs. He knows their behavior is this way but he won't acknowledge it to them because, well, he avoids confrontation. He's the type that hopes things just unravel themselves. But yes, maybe it is too much that I'm demanding. I know I have a problem with expectations with him.

But yes I see your advice for what it is and I know it's what I should be doing. I just need the strength to let go.

odusgolp

You can't go backwards to the way it was before. So either break up and get a new trainer, or grow a thicker skin.

You aren't even in an exclusive relationship, and he doesn't care how other women are making you insecure. That isn't going to change.

infamousmk

If a 40-something with children can actually win someones' attention over you, it doesn't matter what your age.... hottest gym rat wins, amirite??



Yes, that's the only part I paid any attention to.