"Seeing" your Personal Trainer? Help!

xelalarenee

It's really impressive that you know exactly you feel! At least your head isn't cloudy about what you want. It will be harder going backwards in the relationship than forwards, unfortunately. Good luck! I hope he's mature enough to continue in a professional manner and doesn't start dating another client. Although, if he does, I'm sure the hens would welcome you back into their club with open arms.

ItsCasey

Who is "forcing" you to compete with anyone? If you feel like you are competing for a man's attention, then he's not really yours.

And dating your trainer is a bit like dating your boss; there's only one way it can end well, and, given that you feel you are competing with women nearly twice your age, I don't see the two of you walking down the aisle any time soon.

Chief_Rocka

Just get a new trainer

sliuba

I don't know what to say to you.

These "hens", as you called them (funny thing, in Portuguese we call hens all women who hit on other girls' boyfriends. It's a slang) are jealous of you. They made up their strategy and it has been working thanks to you - to an extent.

I understand you feel your confidence and motivation are low. But keep your head in the game, girl! My advice: focus on each thing that really matters to you, but take them one by one. Why not start with getting out of your plateau? Focus helps us tune out disturbing things/people/thoughts.

I couldn't get from what you said if you want your love relationship with your trainer to last. If you do, I'd say: do NOT help making him feel a big cheese for having all those women around him. His big accomplishment is to have dated someone witty, fun, beautiful and nice: YOU!

Good luck!

( Sorry about the way I write, English is a foreign language to me.)

Eu falo portuguese e no inicio eu chamei ele "galinha" por essa razao. Mas agora vejo que aqui nos EUA eh melhor pra usar esta palavra com as mulheres assim.

Minhas amigas brasileiras entendem mais do que minhas americanas. Eh porque quase toda brasileira nao aguente esse tipo de homem. Eu ganhei minha confianca no Brasil neste verao passado. E eu perdi quando eu comecei a namorar com ele .

Luvmesumkenny

HATERS GONNA HATE!!!
Sharing is Caring!

jnh17

Sometimes it does feel that way. I don't feel treated like a lady because he has never taken me on a real date before in 6 months. I wasn't even allowed to buy him a Christmas present with the "Hens" bought one and he gladly accepted it. I just keep thinking it will get better once he's past his commitment issues. Maybe I'm just blinded by a one-sided love. And it's based on the fact I put my trust in him because he's my trainer and has made me succeed so much.

He's never taken you on a date? Sorry to be the one to tell you this, but in his opinion, you guys aren't dating.

sarahmichelle91xx

How is this a 'relationship' if you don't go out in public and you aren't exclusive? Seems like F buddies at best. Anywho guy sounds like a tool. Move on and find a real guy that will take you on dates and treat you right. There are lots of gyms and trainers out there so if your serious about weight loss get on it, don't let other jerks effect you. Find a gym or a video or get out and do your thing and F everyone else. Seriously. Much luck

^^^^^ this

sliuba

I think something you might need to keep in mind is that these "hens" and "cougars" are also his clients, yes? So in essence, from what I'm reading, it sounds like you want him to put you and your feelings ahead of his clients (or paycheck, for lack of a better way to put it). That's asking an awful lot from what sounds like a very casual relationship. Also, be careful about the vibe YOU are sending off. If you come across in person similar to the tone in this thread you probably would be waving a red cape in front of the average woman, whether they're interested in your trainer friend or not.

As much as you may be loathe to do so, I think you need to find another gym and another trainer. This guy may have helped you get to where you are now, but by your own words you've been stalled for the past four months and I don't see how anyone's actions but yours are going to change any time soon.

Edit -- At the time I wrote this I didn't see your posts about the kind of comments they were making, etc....but the rest of the advice still stands.

You're right about that. They are his clients and I shouldn't be asking him to put my feelings above theirs. He knows their behavior is this way but he won't acknowledge it to them because, well, he avoids confrontation. He's the type that hopes things just unravel themselves. But yes, maybe it is too much that I'm demanding. I know I have a problem with expectations with him.

But yes I see your advice for what it is and I know it's what I should be doing. I just need the strength to let go.

odusgolp

You can't go backwards to the way it was before. So either break up and get a new trainer, or grow a thicker skin.

You aren't even in an exclusive relationship, and he doesn't care how other women are making you insecure. That isn't going to change.

infamousmk

If a 40-something with children can actually win someones' attention over you, it doesn't matter what your age.... hottest gym rat wins, amirite??



Yes, that's the only part I paid any attention to.

sliuba

Who is "forcing" you to compete with anyone? If you feel like you are competing for a man's attention, then he's not really yours.

And dating your trainer is a bit like dating your boss; there's only one way it can end well, and, given that you feel you are competing with women nearly twice your age, I don't see the two of you walking down the aisle any time soon.

The last girl he dated who was a client had women come up to her at the gym and blatantly tell her off and say she wasn't good enough for him and she got her house egged several times by women at the gym (we know it was them because of fb posts). Anyway, I am not forced to compete but because of how ruthless some of these women are (all ages, really) I have to CONSTANTLY keep a guard up because I'm terrified the same things will happen to me.

I think that's why he's afraid to take me out in public. That same girl and he went to the beach one day, hours away from our city, and he still managed to run into a gym member and it started a whole mess of drama. People feel entitled to know what's going on in his life. It's really insane.

sliuba

If a 40-something with children can actually win someones' attention over you, it doesn't matter what your age.... hottest gym rat wins, amirite??



Yes, that's the only part I paid any attention to.

My point was to say that I don't get why someone that mature would see me as a threat enough to behave in that manner. I just am who I am and never saw anyone for their age. Our "gym group" varied from 19 - 45 and we would go out together and were a family. Then when I started seeing him. The older folk started splitting off. One even commented "Oh looks like your crew is shrinking. Too bad, huh?" as if our lives revolved around a group of friends at the gym. For someone I had respected so much for her tour in the Marine Corps, her ability to juggle work, the gym, divorce papers and her kids, I was astonished she was the worst of all.

I was more surprised at the fact that older women I looked up to for fitness support would be the ones to stab a knife in my back.

AlsDonkBoxSquat

Pick one, it's that simple. If you are an item be an item and stop seeing him for training during client hours (he can train you seperately and off the books), or don't be an item and keep him as your trainer and friend. You cannot get jealous of a person for doing their job, for the hour that they are paying him they are paying him to pay attention to them without any serious distraction. I work in an office environment and my husband doesn't call me all day long taking my attention away from my job, when I'm in a meeting I'm focused on that meeting and that's the expectation. Think of each of his clients as a meeting, he needs to be focused for various reasons, including safety. Also, his interpersonal skills are part of his paycheck. Just because for an hour or two a week a couple of his clients can't respect boundaries doesn't mean that he doesn't respect boundaries. The onus is on the women, the trust is in him. Just trust him.

AlsDonkBoxSquat

If a 40-something with children can actually win someones' attention over you, it doesn't matter what your age.... hottest gym rat wins, amirite??



Yes, that's the only part I paid any attention to.

My point was to say that I don't get why someone that mature would see me as a threat enough to behave in that manner. I just am who I am and never saw anyone for their age. Our "gym group" varied from 19 - 45 and we would go out together and were a family. Then when I started seeing him. The older folk started splitting off. One even commented "Oh looks like your crew is shrinking. Too bad, huh?" as if our lives revolved around a group of friends at the gym. For someone I had respected so much for her tour in the Marine Corps, her ability to juggle work, the gym, divorce papers and her kids, I was astonished she was the worst of all.

I was more surprised at the fact that older women I looked up to for fitness support would be the ones to stab a knife in my back.

age =/= maturity.

sliuba

You can't go backwards to the way it was before. So either break up and get a new trainer, or grow a thicker skin.

You aren't even in an exclusive relationship, and he doesn't care how other women are making you insecure. That isn't going to change.

Thanks. As cutthroat, to-the-point as this is, it does help put it in perspective.

summertime_girl

Sometimes it does feel that way. I don't feel treated like a lady because he has never taken me on a real date before in 6 months. I wasn't even allowed to buy him a Christmas present with the "Hens" bought one and he gladly accepted it. I just keep thinking it will get better once he's past his commitment issues. Maybe I'm just blinded by a one-sided love. And it's based on the fact I put my trust in him because he's my trainer and has made me succeed so much.

Sorry, but he's just not that into you. You're a fun distraction, it sounds like. Nothing more. If you aren't in public, aren't exclusive, and you aren't "allowed" to get him a gift, you do not have a relationship. He's not your boyfriend, he's not even your friend. Sever ties.

sliuba

If a 40-something with children can actually win someones' attention over you, it doesn't matter what your age.... hottest gym rat wins, amirite??



Yes, that's the only part I paid any attention to.

My point was to say that I don't get why someone that mature would see me as a threat enough to behave in that manner. I just am who I am and never saw anyone for their age. Our "gym group" varied from 19 - 45 and we would go out together and were a family. Then when I started seeing him. The older folk started splitting off. One even commented "Oh looks like your crew is shrinking. Too bad, huh?" as if our lives revolved around a group of friends at the gym. For someone I had respected so much for her tour in the Marine Corps, her ability to juggle work, the gym, divorce papers and her kids, I was astonished she was the worst of all.

I was more surprised at the fact that older women I looked up to for fitness support would be the ones to stab a knife in my back.

age =/= maturity.

I guess you're right about that. Coming from a culture based out of eastern europe, I was always taught that the older you are the wiser and the more respect you were entitled to. So that "cougar" comment was definitely coming from a place of anger and stress. Which isn't good, either.

RECowgill

I don't know what this is all about. When I go to the gym it's to work out, not to make friends or socialize or any of that other stuff that you're talking about. I don't know what chatty cougars have to do with anything, at all, ever. The best thing you can do for yourself is to go to another gym and put this one out of your mind. Get a new trainer. Get a new boyfriend.

You're only 23, the world is whatever you want to be.

marvinswife

AMEN! Listen to yourself....he doesn;t acknowledge you as a girlfriend, take you out, hold hands, care whether or not you are upset, lords the attention of other women over you, and you THINK it's one sided! You have just handed him power on a platter .He sounds like an egotistical dog. Kick his sorry *kitten* to the curb, you deserve WAY better. (and go to another gym)

sliuba

Thanks everyone. Your words, both needed critiques and empowering tips are what I needed to dry my tears and persevere through the day.

Just because fitness is and has been my world, doesn't mean he is the alpha and the omega.

And I definitely have not become a better or more matured person in dealing with these situations, either. Which is a goal to improve from this moment on.

thank you.