Unsupportive spouse

WeCallThemDayWalkers

Seriously just reassure him.
He is probably feeling super insecure.

This.

It always bothers me that people are like well pack and leave or get rid of him. If you guys can't talk it out, see a counselor. I've been married 17 years and if it weren't for a few months we spent in counseling our marriage would've ended... which now seems unimaginable!

YES! This is great. So glad you worked it out. It is sad to see how many people split up or divorce because they just don't want to work it out. My parents have always been a great example of that. Even though their marriage has a lot of issues sometimes, they always work it out! GREAT. Love this.

Agreed! He really might be fishing for reassurance. Maybe he really does miss you when you're working out. Maybe he's not ready to get into it himself yet, but doesn't like being left behind either. Get to the root of the problem. People saying "I'd never put up with that" or "you should lawyer up, hit the gym, leave him, etc" .... well that's just not very healthy either. Something is causing him to act the way he's acting and even if it is manifested as petty jealousy or controlling behaviors, those might be the only ways he knows how to communicate. You two are life partners, right? Better figure out what's going on with this issue.

edit - just read about the car/gym stalking behavior...not sure what you do about that! Obsession is a whole different realm! :noway:

acogg

If you want to stay with him and you feel he is serious, ask him how you can work out while still maintaining his trust. Can he drive you to the gym, wait while you are busy, etc.? If he can't, he is lazy and is unhappy that you are challenging him. If he can and will, you may inspire him. I have a feeling that the truth is somewhere in the middle.

Topdog67

Sit him down and tell him how things like that make you feel. Boys can be kind of dense. I'm fully convinced that 80% of the time they hurt our feelings or are unsupportive they have no idea.

I agree totally with that. Just ask my wife Blessedredhead!

jenilla1

...The trick is to really ignore behavior you don't want and to sincerely be grateful and loving when he does something you do want.
Give it a shot. Or just divorce him. I would not put up with that ****.

It works best if you just find someone who behaves appropriately to begin with and then nurture and grow that relationship with positive reenforcement. People with undesirable character traits usually show themselves from the start. The problem is that a lot of people "fall in love" and overlook the annoying things or hope it will change, but people don't really change that much.

But if you ended up with someone who is basically good but can be a bit of a jerk, this other poster's advice is pretty good. It takes two to make a miserable realtionship. You can either learn to live with the flaws, attempt some behavior modification (both people need to modify their behaviors and responses), or get out.

jscupp1016

I think it's an insecurity thing... like, you are working hard trying to look good, lose weight, you start feeling good, talking about yourself, like... oh I'm so excited I lost those (whatever) pounds, do you notice? and you spin around and smile and what not, you start wearing clothes you didn't before and they think..... wow. I'm not doing a thing, I want to sit here and eat. I think it almost makes them feel bad about themselves. Just reassure him you love him and that you aren't trying to snag a boyfriend for pete's sake you are just trying to feel good about youself and make that part of your life happy.

KatieJane83

He's past that talking stage. A while ago, I caught him spying on me at the gym! He was parked outside just watching me from my car. I'm about 20 lbs from my GW and who know how he'll be if I become attractive to guys again!!

Ummm, yeah.....no. This goes beyond a normal insecurity. I suggest you guys seek some counseling. Best of luck to you!

pen2u

I agree with the previous posters. Please don't let his issues halt your wonderful progress! IMO you might want to seek counseling for yourself if he refuses to go.

kimberlyshian

Sounds to me like he is a little insecure and thinks you are looking good!

MizTerry

Agree with him and move on with what you have to do. Eventually it will get his goat and he'll stop.

lisadiane41

I would get marriage counseling and if that does not work I would re-think you relationship. Is this how you want to live. If you do than do not complain and live that way. But know it will not get better.

PinkRhythm428

If you want to stay with him and he wants to stay with you, both of you will find a way to make it work.

That being said, don't let him make hurtful comments towards you just because he feels like it. You have to stand your ground, and each person, and couple, is different. If my boyfriend said something like that to me, I would simply say something like, "At least he appreciates the work I'm doing." Of course, we are one of those couples that joke about things like that. If it feeds his insecurities, he just feels he has to step it up a notch. I've never given him a reason to doubt my loyalty to him, but he knows I still have power in this relationship and I won't stand for things. We also have a major power struggle constantly going on, but that's what you get when two dominant personalities are in a relationship.

If you are usually more laid back than him, try brushing the comments aside, at least in front of him. Ignoring it would be a good option. You could aso thank him for the compliment, because at least you know he thinks you're looking good when he says that. Whatever you do, don't let him take full control over you. Keep chasing your goals and never settle for less than what you believe you are worth.

mrskatie80

Support is a massive part in any relationship. Even if your spouse don't fully understand or appreciate what you're going through or aiming for - they should always be there to support you in your endeavours.

I'm lucky that my husband embarked on this WITH me and we can eat healthily and exercise together.
Though he has been known to make the odd comment at times that frustrate me.....I try and just ignore them and realise that I have certainly had my insecure moments and not to focus on it!
Marriages need work - whoever says they don't is lying or delusional. No, they shouldn't be HARD work all the time. But the good things in life don't always come easily

littlepinkhearts

He's past that talking stage. A while ago, I caught him spying on me at the gym! He was parked outside just watching me from my car. I'm about 20 lbs from my GW and who know how he'll be if I become attractive to guys again!!

I just wanna say that you should be careful with that type of behaviour. Been there...it could be part of a much bigger problem.

altinker

I had a boyfriend like that. I would put on makeup before we went somewhere and he would tell me I looked like a slut. That definitely was not the case. He was just insecure. He would rather have had me be ugly and undesirable to others so that I wouldn't stray. It was a control thing.

I have had to put other partners in their place by telling them that they didn't trick me to get me and that I have chosen to be with them because I want to be. I don't NEED to be with someone. It reassured my husband early on.

k8ecakes

He probably thinks that joke is the most cleverly uttered, topical, gut-bustingly funniest joke ever. Like whenever people say "THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID LOLOLOL"

Here's what you do: fake laugh at it as hard and as long as you can... For like at least 2-5 minutes (to the point where you are annoying yourself). Guaranteed he will never make that joke again.

jeremyw1977

NOTE: My statement below is not an excuse, just a logically thought out explanation.

As some people in a relationship remain with one another over a period of time, complacency sets in.
We become comfortable with one another, even to the point of "letting ourselves go".

When one of the people is still complacent, but the other one decides on a life change, the complacent one might begin to question his/herself. Even though the person changing is only doing it for themselves, the complacent one might think that this life change has to be related to another life change (i.e., affair).

As with any other problem in a relationship, communication and honesty in that communication work wonders.
This might only be a form of insecurity, but yet everyone wishes to assume it's the late stages of insecurity.......jealousy.

As long as lanes of communication are open, and everyone is honest, it should progress no further than insecurity.

Best of luck to you, and here's hoping for a spouse that not only supports your changes, but might even join you in undergoing one of his own.

metacognition

My guess? He's insecure that you will leave him if you start looking thinner or hotter.

He's trying to bring your self-confidence down a notch so you will stay at what he perceives to be his level. He may not even realize that he is doing this, or may understand logically that you are not going to leave. But he fears change.

I don't know what I'd do if I had someone who was not supportive of my weight loss.

tifflatrice08

My husband use to do things that bother me (like eating a lot of junk). He didn't understand how much it bothered me until I brought it to his attention. Once I did that he was conscious of it, until I was able to handle it. He tried not to eat chips and things in front of me, and for the most part, kept it out the house.
I would just say, talk to your spouse, until he hears you... He will...
Also, you can have him workout with you... You can also explain to him that you aren't doing this for anyone else, but your self. You want to feel good about your self, at least that's what I told my hubby. He understood

CherokeeBabe

Oh my goodness, this sounds familiar! I tell mine "yes" but the boyfriend doesn't appreciate it near as much as he does and I jump in his lap! He needs to be reassured, I am playful about it so he does not get embarrassed. He gets it & now it is a game. Like sometimes he will be a smart-*kitten* and tell me he going to see his mistress when I ask where he is headed...so I tell him to take some of his laundry with him! Maybe we have been married too long or maybe we are just warped but it beats arguing about insecurities! Best of luck to you and yours!

This is how my parents are. They're past the insecurity stage and make the "mistress" and "other lover" jokes with a good-natured smile behind it. When my dad goes to get food my mom says he's "Going to see his other woman, Mrs McDonald. She cooks so I don't have to!" and things of that nature.

CherokeeBabe

He's past that talking stage. A while ago, I caught him spying on me at the gym! He was parked outside just watching me from my car. I'm about 20 lbs from my GW and who know how he'll be if I become attractive to guys again!!

Whoa. Yea...may have to retract my previous "just reassure" comment in this case. That seems a bit much.

newdaydawning79

The number of people saying "just reassure him" and "he's just insecure" frighten me. He's *following her* at this point, sitting outside the gym, knowing for a fact she isn't lying about where she's going (and he had no right to even do that) and is STILL making comments. This is not insecurity. This is a desire to control.

OP I stand by my advice of marriage counseling. And if he doesn't change his ways or it progresses further, you may have to look at further options but my hope is that counseling will work for this guy. Good luck!

Athena53

Mine keeps buying sweet treats like candy and cookies. He says he doesn't care what I look like , so why should I . What I try to get through to him is it's not about losing weight to look better, it about losing to feel better. Seems to help some, but I have to keep moving that bowl of M&Ms to the other side of the room.

Or dumping water on the bowl of M&Ms or sprinkling the potato chips with pepper so they're no longer a temptation, if he doesn't get the idea. A waste? Sure, but it's a bigger waste to eat them when you don't need/want the calories and they move you further from your goal.

Having been married to a verbally abusive man who put me down at every chance, and having been married now for 10 years to a wonderful man who builds me up- I don't know the OP's story but I can say that life is too short to be married to someone who doesn't support your self-improvement goals.

silky45

First of all she should be supporting his wife- I started my journey over 1 1/2 year ago and my wife as been there with me every step of the way. She also lost weight and we both have kept it off. At some point and time you have to do things for your self and not others. Don't let him bring you down with all of the negative talk. May be you should have a good one on one with him and tell him how you feel and let him know that it hurts when he says things like that to you.

FloridaBlues21

I have gone through the same thing at times and because I didn't feel much support. I tended to fail but, I balanced my life and decided that this is for me and nobody else and if he wants to be unsupportive and controlling he can deal with it but, I won't try and put that in my mind. Just stay positive with yourself. We are here for you!

hickorycutie

I know alll bout having un supportive husband... he dont support me in wanting to be healthier and he wasnt supportive when my dad passed away in 2010 when i needed him the most.. Ive decided this is a new year and a new me.. Im not going to put up with what i did in 2012... it time to make my self happy and thats what im gonna do..

KenosFeoh

I think I'd tell him "On more remark like that and I WILL be looking for a boyfriend."

Mhaney

My ex husband was like that with EVERYTHING I did. I started taking college classes online and I'd spend ten minutes on the computer and he's start whinnig that I spend too much time online and I'm ignoring him. He went so far as to accuse me of using him to support me until I finish school so I can leave him.. I said "****, why wait that long?"

I have a year and a half left of school and my divorce was final in October.

It's a clear case of insecurity that manifests as controlling behavior, and you shouldn't put up with it. set clear boundaries and if he doesn't like it, there's the door.

michelleLynette

Hold your head up high..keep working out reasurre him you love him. He is insecure and dealing with deeper emotional issues here..Just keep being supportive of him..invite him to workout ..and keep doing so even if he refuses.

mandys1979

Im going through the same thing with my husband also. He makes the same must be trying to impress your boyfriend. I find them very hurtful. But then he will turn around and call me cottage cheese butt and hipsalanti. I turn around and tell him thats why I want to loose/tone. But just remember the real reasons you are doing this.

ecruz519

Just as a few people have mentioned have him work out with u.... Or go for walks if he doesnt want to full blown workout... Prepare healthy meals together thats a fun thing to do as well!!! Just stay positive and focused on ur goals because my spouce gets alil funny sometimes. i always tell him im doing this for me first but i am also trying to get back the girl he first met!!! Also i would like to have more energy for my 6yr old even though she said she loves me the way i am!!