Ed's Nightmare Soup

fit4lifeUcan2

reminded me of when I first got married and my husband couldn't cook anything

One time he made hummous that was so runny that you had to use a spoon to get it on the bread. "but the recipe didn't say you had to strain the chickpeas!"

Another time I asked him to watch a pan of tinned spaghetti while I got ready to go out. I got back and the spaghetti was stuck to the bottom of the pan.

"I thought I asked you to watch the spaghetti"

"I did"

"why didn't you stir it?"

"you didn't tell me to stir it."


He can cook now, following a recipe, provided every little step and detail is written down, because if you miss something, no matter how obvious it may seem, he won't do it. With a very well written recipe (some of them include diagrams of how big to chop the various vegetables) he makes some nice food.

hahaha my husband tried to make spaghetti early on in our marriage when I was sick in bed. It was half cooked and half hard. Now he knows better. Whenever he makes spaghetti he makes sure to stir it down into the pot. DOn't think he stirs it much after that but at least now when and if he makes it it's all the way cooked and not a crunchy shock lol

Hanfordrose

GAWD ED DONT YOU KNOW ANYTHING? You cant make broth without GARLIC....lots & lots & dont worry about peeling the damn things, the peels are fiber.....Trust me on this!

Oh my goodness! You are loads of help. I can tell that you and Ed would be great pals. Anything goes, especially if it can cause Mama to groan. Bad...bad...bad.

btoblake

Wow. This is awesome. I always thought of the crockpot as the safe zone, where it was really hard to screw up. One of my friends started smiling in anticipation of his wife's meals (after at least a decade of marriage) when she discovered the crockpot. You just throw the food in, you can't burn it... I forget how many little things are implied by throw it in. (Wash it, cut it, measure it, stir...)

Can you coach him on the premade spice packets for crockpots, with the simplified recipe on the side? Most grocery stores keep them near the mccormics sauce packets. They're nice, you get the packet, and then hit meat and produce, so the amounts are right. (You could have him buy a fly swatter, and hold it while you watch him cook. Then you're ready, when he casts a naughty eye on the spice drawer.)

fit4lifeUcan2

How lovely that Ed cooks for you.

Let me clarify this situation. Ed is cooking for HIMSELF. He knows that Mama (his loving name for me...his wife not mother) is watching her calories. I just wanted to know, if his 'soup' could fit into my food plan. :noway: No...for a multitude of health reason.

I think that creativity is the same thing that doesn't allow men to ask for directions. Why use a cookbook? How hard can it be?

Yep. That's my Ed. I don't need a map. I don't need to ask for directions or help. He learns by TRIAL AND ERROR. To eat his cooking is a case of his ERROR leading to a TRIAL for anyone who tastes his food.

Perhaps as a gift he might enjoy a cooking class. It's all in how you spin it - "Ed, sweetie, I love the way you cook for me, I thought you might enjoy learning to cook Thai!"

When pigs fly! Ed wouldn't last 5 minutes in a cooking class. He recently got thrown out of computer class, because he just kept making smart alec remarks to the teacher. Ed comes up with some pretty outrageous ideas and comments sometimes. Serious instructor find him to be a real challenge.

ps I have a friend married to an Ed. One of his more notable improvisations was the addition of cointreau to a crunchily undercooked pea soup.

Uncooked pea soup and more is what I believe is brewing in our kitchen right now.

It won't be uncooked for long lol :laugh: :laugh:

I put everything in the crock pot early in the morning and by dinner time its nice and tender. Dried beans or not. Typically I do soak my beans over night but never precooked them. But if i forget to soak them don't worry. THey sit long enough in the pot on high heat and by dinner they are tender as can be. Ed's doing great to venture on and do his own thing with cooking. Wish my husband would try it. I tell him all the time the crock pot is your friend. Days when I have a night class I'll load up the crock pot and set the timer. I know when I leave for school everyone can just scoop out what they want. No text messages to me while I'm sitting in a lecture hall nagging me "mom whats for dinner?". They can smell it as soon as they walk in the house and head straight for the kitchen. :happy:

TakinSexyBack

That is just AWESOME!!! :-)

Hanfordrose

I thought some of you might like to hear about Ed's latest weight loss theory. He believes that anything you eat should only make you gain as much as the item weighs. "If I eat 8 ounces of food, I should be able to get on the scale and only weigh 8 ounces more."

I TRIED to explain the idea of calories to him. 8 ounces of mushrooms and 8 ounces of chocolate candy may weigh the same amount, but 8 ounces of candy will add a whole lot more calories.

His response..."You should be able to eat that candy and not gain any more weight than the same weight as mushrooms." That is the same logic that convinced him to eat 5 low calorie snack bars last night. He was shocked this morning to discover that he gained a pound yesterday. When I asked him what he ate at night, he said low calorie stuff. Then, I discovered that he had finished off a box of low calorie snack bars. It still doesn't want to acknowledge that low calorie does not mean FREE of calories. :noway:

I just love this little face :noway: . It shows just how I feel, when trying to explain certain things to Ed.

God help me. He just doesn't understand, which is why I stay on my own food plan. One snack bar is ONLY one snack in my food plan, and it better stay within my daily calorie limit too.

auroranflash

You can do it, Ed. One step at a time. :drinker:

tat2dzombiegirl

I thought this was some sort of diet soup from the title then I read the wonderful story you shared. I had a great laugh and like many others it reminds me of my guy in the kitchen. He put 1 tablespoon of pepper instead of like 1/4 tsp once in a green bean casserole and that was it. And practically killed us He will say "Mama does all the cooking now."

He sounds like a sweetheart, thanks for sharing.

knittnponder

So would bacon fall into the vitamin pork category? Because I could get behind that one! Bring on the vitamins!

MissJanet55

His response..."You should be able to eat that candy and not gain any more weight than the same weight as mushrooms." That is the same logic that convinced him to eat 5 low calorie snack bars last night. He was shocked this morning to discover that he gained a pound yesterday. When I asked him what he ate at night, he said low calorie stuff. Then, I discovered that he had finished off a box of low calorie snack bars. It still doesn't want to acknowledge that low calorie does not mean FREE of calories. :noway:

That's funny. How does he explain why you weigh more just after drinking a couple of glasses of water?

He reminds me of a story called Obstinate Uncle Otis by Robert Arthur - you may be able to find it online. Uncle Otis refuses to believe in anything he can't see, and refuses to see anything he doesn't like. There is a dark ending for him when he gets dementia and says irritably to his nephew "I don't believe in any Uncle Otis" and vanishes right off the earth.

SweetxCatastrophe

This was too cute! I too view pork as a daily supplement


My husband is limited on his cooking skills. He can do toast, boxed macaroni & cheese, and anything with microwave instructions (which he still sometimes gets wrong). Imagine my horror when he sent me a text while I was at work and he was at home with a CONCUSSION saying he saw Martha Stewart make some good looking cookies on tv and he was trying to make them. I was sure I'd come home to a burnt down kitchen or bacon in the cookies (though, that would have helped with the pork supplement hehe) and I was surprised to find they weren't all that bad. Messy kitchen yes, but it just took hubs a good set of instructions and some practice to make a nice batch of cookies

Mandybean88

I loved reading all the posts on this thread! Ed sounds delightfully entertaining to live with. At least he keeps you on your toes!

Hanfordrose

You could have him buy a fly swatter, and hold it while you watch him cook. Then you're ready, when he casts a naughty eye on the spice drawer.

:laugh: My mom used a flyswatter to 'make her point' with 3 rowdy daughters. You knew that you had pushed your luck too far, when she got mad enough to reach for that swatter.

Ed loves to sneak up on me, while I am on my computer. He will drop a book to make me jump or give me a 'Wet Willie' (a wet index finger in the ear)...then run, 'cause he knows that I can't chase after him. A while back, I bought a long handled, plastic shoe horn to help put on my shoes. One day, I hid it beside my desk. Ed tried to sneak up on me. He manage to give me a Wet Wille and started to run away; but as soon as I felt that wet finger in my ear, I reach for the shoe horn and managed to get him on the backside with a solid SMACK. Now, when he is being silly with me...I just hold up the shoe horn, and he says, "No, Mama. I'll be good. I'll behave." That shoe horn has helped me to appreciate the message of my Mom's flyswatter. :laugh:

kasey0118

Thanks for making me laugh!! At least he tries....I have been married 28 years and my husband hasn't cooked a thing yet! When we were dating 30 years ago he used to brag that he ade the best pancakes.....30 years later I am still waiting!!

koshkasmum

Give Ed some credit. He made something pretty much like pea soup. I have been cooking for a lot of years and am reputed to be pretty good at it - nobody's been poisoned and most everyone goes back for seconds. My pea soup starts out with a ham hock. (I don't know about pork vitamins, but the flavour and body (mouthfeel) it gives to the soup is excellent. Then onions carrots celery (potatoes are optional, but lots of people use them - they don't hurt anything) I usually use bay leaves and summer savoury but herbs are largely a preference and I have added rosemary, tyme, parsley, marjoram and a few others over the years (the results were uniformly edible). Split peas do not have to be cooked first - that's just a shortcut - several hours at a simmer in a slow cooker will do the job just as well. I have seen lots of recipes for middle eastern and asian version of pea soup that introduce spices like cumin, corriander, tumeric, etc, so even that is not too far off the beaten path. I never use any kind of oil - there's enough fat in the pork hock to carry the flavour.

As to calories,- pea soup is nourishing, warming, filling and really not that bad calorie wise. I take out the pork hock when its falling off the bone tender, separate out the skin, bones and fat, and dice up the lean meat to add back to the soup. (You can also chill the soup, skim off any hardened fat, and reheat to serve. A cup of my recipe - which is a very nice serving - is 275 calories.

Give Ed's creations a try - you may find them good despite your misgivings - then you can suggest improvements for next time -and it will allow you to encourage him to take some of the kitchen duties off your hands

sofielein

I say beware. My boyfriend also started with burnt "omelettes" (ever seen black garlic?) including several explosion-like sound effects, gigantic mess and strange inedible stuff. Until he came up with a steak Chateaubriand (!) with Bérnaise Sauce (!!!) for my birthday.

Even I have never managed to make a proper Bérnaise Sauce in my life. Anyone who tried knows it's unbelievable he succeded at first.

So I say sit back, wait, and enjoy.

slimmersooner

Funny! Maybe he should be on the show Worst Cooks! So glad for him that you obviously love him!

Hanfordrose

I changed my profile picture so that all of you can see the infamous Pastor Special Ed. This is my favorite photo of the 2 of us. It was supposed to be a serious portrait; but as usual, Ed surprised me and the photographer, when he turned and grabbed me. I laughed, and the photographer captured a wonderful moment in time.

Hanfordrose

Funny! Maybe he should be on the show Worst Cooks! So glad for him that you obviously love him!

You are so right. Ed would be perfect for the show. I'll bet that he would drive those chefs crazy though. I can see it now..."Bobby Flay meets Special Ed." :bigsmile:

Hanfordrose

Okay. I did it!

Ed was out for a ride on his bike. I wouldn't want him to be here, when I approach that simmering pot. I held onto the counter, lifted the lid to the boiling concoction. It looked like a HOT MESS of boiled down potato slop and some cut carrots and peas. Thank God, they were softened after more than 6 hours.

I took a teaspoon and blew on the still steaming brew. Saying a little prayer, I put my tongue to the soup.

My first thought...blanded, hot, dish water. My second thought...Where is the salt?

After blowing some more on the teaspoon of hot soup, I finally got up the courage to put the spoon in my mouth. The carrot slice was okay, but the rest was...bland dish water...no flavor at all.

Ed just got home. He didn't catch me tasting his soup. Should I tell him to add salt and confess that I tasted his brew? Okay...I decided to tell him about tasting the (ugh) soup. He smiled and asked, "How was it?"

I told him that it needed salt, and he replied..."But you said that I shouldn't use so much salt." That was a reference to the fact that he was salting everything, when we went out to eat and going through a shaker of salt in the kitchen in just a couple of days. I didn't mean NO salt, only, "Ease up on the salt, Mr. High Pressure."

Now, I am wondering..."How many calories are there in a teaspoon of dish water?" :ohwell: