Husband unhappy with my weight :(

edge_dragoncaller

OP : While you don't outright say it, you certainly imply that your husband doesn't give you the attention you feel you deserve right?

Okay, so let's remember that attraction isn't always physical. You current weight is over 210 and you want to be at 160...yet your balking at your husbands push for 130 and the doctors goal of 115-120? Maybe the failing attraction has to do with your attitude towards losing weight at all....or your attitude in general.

I'm married and my wife is 5'9" and weighs signifcantly more than you (She'd kill me for posting the actual numbers), so understand that what 'm saying here is from personal experience...not a guess. With your difference in height, your 160 would probably look like her 210 and I would be ECSTATIC to see that.

I guess what I'm trying to say is Stop using your husbands and doctors desires as a way to mitigate your own blame in this. STFU and lose the weight and get to 160 and see how your husband and doctor react to that. THEN and ONLY then should you worry about what they like.

1ConcreteGirl

Is your husband a prize winning athletic man? Tell him to get off his horse or get out the door.

Unless it's his house.. Then, you know.

Ridiculous logic. So you think that if he were a "prize winning athletic man," he would be able to decide what she should weigh?

CM9178

Ok, so I am 5'2" also. I started at 217 lbs. I am 34 y/o.
I have my goal weight set at 135 lbs.

It sounds like your motivation to lose weight is because you aren't happy with the way you look.
but there is more to losing weight than how you look - it is your overall health.

135 is at the very top of my healthy weight range - which is why I set my goal there. When I reach 135, I will decide if I want to go lower, based on how I look and feel at that time. But the most important factor for ME in losing weight, is my overall health.
At 160 or 150 lbs, you will probably still be around 25 lbs "overweight", which can affect your health in the long run. Sure, it isn't as bad as being over 200 lbs, but it still isn't the healthiest you can be either.

I also completely understand not looking right at a certain weight. 10 years ago, I went from 196 lbs to 118 lbs. I thought I looked good then, but looking back, I looked like a skeleton - it was just TOO skinny for me personally. And yet, that was right in the middle of my healthy weight range at the time.

I'd personally suggest trying to get to 150 lbs, then go to the doctor and get some tests done for blood pressure, cholesterol, etc, and see how healthy you are actually are. If the doctor then think it is best for your health to lose more weight, then you can re-evaluate your goal at that time.

Finally, I don't know if you were working out previously, or now, but that will effect how you look at a certain weight - you can look completely different at 150 lbs, based on whether or not you are working out, or if you are just skinny fat.

Good luck either way, and as some other said, don't put the horse before the cart. You still have a long way to go. For now, set mini goals and re-evaluate each time. It is impossible to know how you will feel at a future weight until you get there.

CM9178

What makes you think your husband or guys in general know anything about women?
I would always thing 120 lbs is the ideal. Well that was before I saw some of the amazing women on here who work there buts off.

160 - 180ish is more ideal based on height. I say lift heavy.

sorry but at 5'2" for a woman, 180 would be very overweight and unhealthy.

TheUnthinkingMajority

Is your husband a prize winning athletic man? Tell him to get off his horse or get out the door.

Unless it's his house.. Then, you know.

Ridiculous logic. So you think that if he were a "prize winning athletic man," he would be able to decide what she should weigh?

Pay attention to what I just said. The point of the comment was to say "If he isn't concerned about HIS weight, why should he be telling YOU how much you should lose" . I'm not going by what he weighs, I'm going by possible double standards, and if he is in shape, who gives a damn? He should let her weight what she wants to weight.

vim_n_vigor

Maybe, just maybe, he is worried about you and thinks that 130 is healthier for you than 160?

1ConcreteGirl

Is your husband a prize winning athletic man? Tell him to get off his horse or get out the door.

Unless it's his house.. Then, you know.

Ridiculous logic. So you think that if he were a "prize winning athletic man," he would be able to decide what she should weigh?

Pay attention to what I just said. The point of the comment was to say "If he isn't concerned about HIS weight, why should he be telling YOU how much you should lose" . I'm not going by what he weighs, I'm going by possible double standards, and if he is in shape, who gives a damn? He should let her weight what she wants to weight.

That may have been the point of what you said, but it was not the fact of what you said. Though I don't agree with what you meant to say, either. His weight has nothing to do with it, and in fact she never mentioned his weight at all.

Liatush

You need to be comfortable in your own skin and if you think you'll feel best being in the 160's then that's what your goal should be. At the end of the day you have to be happy and it sounds like in order to make your husband happy would cause you to be unhappy and that's not fair to you! I'm sure he will come around once he see how healthy 160 looks on you! Just focus on your goals and everything else will fall into place!

^^ this!

CM9178

Is your husband a prize winning athletic man? Tell him to get off his horse or get out the door.

Unless it's his house.. Then, you know.

Ridiculous logic. So you think that if he were a "prize winning athletic man," he would be able to decide what she should weigh?

Pay attention to what I just said. The point of the comment was to say "If he isn't concerned about HIS weight, why should he be telling YOU how much you should lose" . I'm not going by what he weighs, I'm going by possible double standards, and if he is in shape, who gives a damn? He should let her weight what she wants to weight.

Or he is concerned about her health and realizes she would still be significantly overweight at 160 lbs.

soulynyc

set your 160 goal.. and when you get there see how you feel. no need to fight about it now. you may get to 160 and decide to stay there.. or not. but to fight about it now is truly pointless. happy losing.

RiannonC

If my husband is not happy, I'm a fabulous enough person to know there are plenty men in the sea.

This is a red flag right there. Yes, there are plenty of men out there, but only one of them is your husband.

That being said, since you are a ways away from your goal (160) neither of you really knows what you will look like once you get there. So what is the point arguing about it now? Once you get to 160, maybe your husband will be surprised at how great you look and not want you to lose any more. Or maybe you will decide you'd be happy to drop another 10, 20, 30 lbs. Who knows? Why not wait and see rather than automatically throwing out his and your doctor's opinions? You should aim for the weight you feel best at, true, but there is no point setting a goal in stone when you are this far out. Make 160 your first goal and go from there. Whatever you decide to do, best of luck to you. You sound like a confident determined person and I'm sure you'll get there

ethompso0105

Sorry your husband is being like this, yes he shouldn't care what weight you are except for health reasons. Your doctor however is correct about you aiming for 115-120lbs. I'm 120lbs and same height as you and aiming to lose that last 3lbs and I got up close to 150lbs and felt VERY fat so I don't know how you'd like to be 160lbs..

I'm at about the same weight/height as the OP. My goal, too, is 160-165. My doctors say much lower, but really, my body isn't designed for that. Even us short girls can have a pretty wide range of weights! It may be that the OP just has a broader/different body shape than you...as long as the OP is happy, that's all that matters, right?

bsshank

It sounds like he does understand you would like to hear some words of affirmation occasionally. I suggest the two of you read "The Five Love Languages" book. It will save your relationship. My husband and I have taught small group classes on this and it is a wonderful book and analyzes how everyone gives and receives love. Being a healthy weight is your choice and as others have mentioned you need to first do it for yourself. Don't give up on your relationship, I am sure through good communication the two of you can work it out. Best of luck!

mamawoz

So get to the weight you feel the best and healthiest at and tell your husband you weigh 130lbs. He won't know the difference.

This is AWESOME!! That's what I would do! If you are happy -- he will be too -- trust!

CM9178

Sorry your husband is being like this, yes he shouldn't care what weight you are except for health reasons. Your doctor however is correct about you aiming for 115-120lbs. I'm 120lbs and same height as you and aiming to lose that last 3lbs and I got up close to 150lbs and felt VERY fat so I don't know how you'd like to be 160lbs..

I'm at about the same weight/height as the OP. My goal, too, is 160-165. My doctors say much lower, but really, my body isn't designed for that. Even us short girls can have a pretty wide range of weights! It may be that the OP just has a broader/different body shape than you...as long as the OP is happy, that's all that matters, right?

But what about your overall health at 165 lbs? You aren't concerned about that?
Also, weight ranges are ranges for that exact reason. I believe my overall healthy weight range is 110 lbs to 135 lbs, which makes room for different body types at my height, age, etc. Medically and healthwise anything over 135 lbs is not good. Period.

unchainedzulu

To the OP: Why are you arguing about this? I truly don't mean this harshly, but you're at least 50 lbs from any of these goals. Maybe you should table the discussion until it's more relevant.

best advice. concentrate on your goal weight. once you get there - then have this discussion/argument/whatever. until your there you really are arguing about a what if situation, which is like arguing about where you're going to live, once we all move to the moon. like there isn't a 100 other steps between now and then.

RachelSRoach1

Okay let's start giving spouses the benefit of the doubt a little. Her Dr. said a healthy weight to her that her husband is probably aware of. Is it even possible and permissible that her husband might be encouraging her to at least compromise between her goal and her Dr's goals for her?

It's the Dr'.s responsiblity as a medical professional to inform her what the proper range is, not to just say oh you seem like a nice person and I don't want to hurt your feelings so I won't tell you what my education and training tell me is right for you to weigh.

It's the husbands duty to care for and support his wife but also to be caring and concerned about her and isn't it okay that he is trying to encourage her. I read nothing here about him trying to control or berate her so I'm just giving him the benefit of the doubt here. One more possibility is that he married her at a time when she might have talked about dieting and so he expected she would and is just still encouraging that goal of hers. It's a tough position being the watcher of someone who is making changes. I just think the Dr's goal is achievable and she should just aim for her goal. Once she's there it might seem logical to just keep going as don't we always say it's about our health so shouldn't she continue to the healthy point, instead of just the weight that seems to feel easy, or is appealing to all the other men in her region as though that's a good reason to weigh a certain amount. Don't we always say we should not be unhealthily anorexic because our society demands it, why should she be unhealthily overweight because hers does?

^^ this.

gonnamakeanewaccount

Sorry your husband is being like this, yes he shouldn't care what weight you are except for health reasons. Your doctor however is correct about you aiming for 115-120lbs. I'm 120lbs and same height as you and aiming to lose that last 3lbs and I got up close to 150lbs and felt VERY fat so I don't know how you'd like to be 160lbs..

Seriously? I'm sure this made the OP feel really great. It definitely offended me.

emjoyhar

I'm 5'5" and weigh about 150. I'm looking to just cut down to 140. At my height that's still technically above what I "should" weigh. You have to realize weight is much more than the pound sign at the end of the weight scale, it's attributed to how much muscle, how you feel in your clothes, and what you're looking for. Yeah, I could drop down to 125 lbs if I was very careful about what I ate and how I was working out. But my husband prefers me to have a little meat, and personally, so do I. I went down to that weight when I was so sick, I could barely eat, and I didn't like how I looked. So if you prefer yourself the way you were before, I say go for it. Your husband is only one opinion, and yours still beats his. Do it for health reasons, not because of what he says.

sarahrbraun

Current weight 213lbs, 5'2 and 28yo/female. Goal weight of 160lbs. Is there something wrong with me not wanting to go lower than 160lbs? I was 150lbs at one point long ago after much diet and exercise and I hated myself. I was getting no attention from other guys, and I just didn't feel like myself, I didn't recognize the person I saw in the mirror anymore, I wasn't happy. I was very content with being 160lbs. My doc wanted me to go down to about 115-120lbs. HA yeah right! My husband thinks I should go down to about 130lbs and we argued about this. I have never been 130lbs in the 11years I've known this man. If I wasn't happy at 150lb, what makes him think I'd like being 130lbs. Why does he think he should tell me what I should weight. If he married me at this weight, why is it a problem now? I'm very upset at him right now. As a bigger girl, I have never had problems attracting men. Living in the part of the Caribbean that I live, the men actually prefer girls with meat on them. I get a lot of attention from men now even at 213lbs. I would never cheat on my husband but sometimes its nice to hear that you're pretty. I wish that attention was coming from my husband instead. I just wish my husband could care for me the same way and be more supportive of my goals. He says he loves me no matter what, but then why is he pushing this? Either way, I'm doing this for me. If my husband is not happy, I'm a fabulous enough person to know there are plenty men in the sea.

I have similar stats...

This sounds insane...but could your hubby be trying to get you to be "too skinny" for most of the guys around you to think you are pretty? Mine is a little insecure ( I've know it since I met him) and a few months ago told me he almost wouldn't care if I stayed fat because that way he wouldn't have to worry about me ( having other guys attracted to me).

I also think it is pretty insane for him to pick an arbitrary number and tell you that you HAVE to get down to that size. Something similar happened to my friend when her and her hubby were about to break up ( not saying your marriage is in trouble...). He told her that he would not be attracted to her unless she was 120lbs--but he had NEVER seen her at 120lbs in the entire time they had been together.

I think you should tell your hubby what you told us...that you don't feel good about yourself when you get down to that weight, that you want him to tell you/treat you like you are pretty no matter what size you are.

edge_dragoncaller

Is your husband a prize winning athletic man? Tell him to get off his horse or get out the door.

Unless it's his house.. Then, you know.

Ridiculous logic. So you think that if he were a "prize winning athletic man," he would be able to decide what she should weigh?

Pay attention to what I just said. The point of the comment was to say "If he isn't concerned about HIS weight, why should he be telling YOU how much you should lose" . I'm not going by what he weighs, I'm going by possible double standards, and if he is in shape, who gives a damn? He should let her weight what she wants to weight.

Pay attention to the point that you don't know the husbands weight, fitness level....nothing. Hell, as far as you know, he might very well be a world class athlete.

enjordan

As a yo-yo weight person, and someone who identifies with ever fluctuating size, I can say this. I've been there. The one thing that actually scared me into shape was seeing doctor's records. At one visit, I was "average" and by the next, i'd been classified as "overweight." I didn't consider myself overweight, but seeing it in black and white made me understand what I'd let happen. I'm sure that's what you felt hearing it from another person. They said it out loud---made it real for you.

Do your best, exercise is key, and try not to slip at night time. Bananas and honeycrisp apples are good snacks for me! And above all, just resolve to take your life back!

I've been there, and I can tell you that as you drop the pounds, you're motivation explodes and you get more and more confident! I'm thinking of you! You've got this!!!

mgobluetx12

Why are you so concerned with attracting men if you're married? Also, 5'2 and 160 is almost obese on the BMI scale. That's not healthy, so maybe that's why your husband is concerned? Have you asked him what his issue is with your not wanting to lose weight? If it's health, then that's valid, but if it's the way you look, that's a whole other situation. I'm sorry you have to deal with this.

Ledgehanger

Okay let's start giving spouses the benefit of the doubt a little. Her Dr. said a healthy weight to her that her husband is probably aware of. Is it even possible and permissible that her husband might be encouraging her to at least compromise between her goal and her Dr's goals for her?

It's the Dr'.s responsiblity as a medical professional to inform her what the proper range is, not to just say oh you seem like a nice person and I don't want to hurt your feelings so I won't tell you what my education and training tell me is right for you to weigh.

It's the husbands duty to care for and support his wife but also to be caring and concerned about her and isn't it okay that he is trying to encourage her. I read nothing here about him trying to control or berate her so I'm just giving him the benefit of the doubt here. One more possibility is that he married her at a time when she might have talked about dieting and so he expected she would and is just still encouraging that goal of hers. It's a tough position being the watcher of someone who is making changes. I just think the Dr's goal is achievable and she should just aim for her goal. Once she's there it might seem logical to just keep going as don't we always say it's about our health so shouldn't she continue to the healthy point, instead of just the weight that seems to feel easy, or is appealing to all the other men in her region as though that's a good reason to weigh a certain amount. Don't we always say we should not be unhealthily anorexic because our society demands it, why should she be unhealthily overweight because hers does?

I was going to reply, but saw that this post stated everything I thought needed to be said (and probably better than I would have). So... this!

Cndressing

So at the end of the day you are like me don't have those natural curves some women do when they are thin, and are scared of not looking like a model and the closest to curves to you is having some meat on your bones. You don't care how you look to your husband(which trust me after 11 yrs he loves you) you care how you look to the world and other men. You like those curves and don't ever wanna part with them because of the attention they get you, just like a high school girl that stuffs her breast. Let me tell you something when you gain weight your body changes you where under 160 before and put on weight, your body will not look the same and you will probably have to drop down more than that to undo the damage caused by the years of weight gain. Do your self and your marriage a favor and stop thinking like this. I lost any curves I had and guess what I found out I can run and exercise with my younger highschool brother again no problem, I'm not self concious anymore and I love that any family help problem's chances of me getting are less now than before.

PeachyKeene

Sorry your husband is being like this, yes he shouldn't care what weight you are except for health reasons. Your doctor however is correct about you aiming for 115-120lbs. I'm 120lbs and same height as you and aiming to lose that last 3lbs and I got up close to 150lbs and felt VERY fat so I don't know how you'd like to be 160lbs..

That is you, not her!!

I am 159 right now and I don't feel fat. I am 2 inches taller, but really don't think that matters a whole lot, especially if you gain weight in the butt or boobs area. I am not so lucky with either area. JS

Cndressing

Yes!

imthejenjen

Current weight 213lbs, 5'2 and 28yo/female. Goal weight of 160lbs. Is there something wrong with me not wanting to go lower than 160lbs? I was 150lbs at one point long ago after much diet and exercise and I hated myself. I was getting no attention from other guys, and I just didn't feel like myself, I didn't recognize the person I saw in the mirror anymore, I wasn't happy. I was very content with being 160lbs. My doc wanted me to go down to about 115-120lbs. HA yeah right! My husband thinks I should go down to about 130lbs and we argued about this. I have never been 130lbs in the 11years I've known this man. If I wasn't happy at 150lb, what makes him think I'd like being 130lbs. Why does he think he should tell me what I should weight. If he married me at this weight, why is it a problem now? I'm very upset at him right now. As a bigger girl, I have never had problems attracting men. Living in the part of the Caribbean that I live, the men actually prefer girls with meat on them. I get a lot of attention from men now even at 213lbs. I would never cheat on my husband but sometimes its nice to hear that you're pretty. I wish that attention was coming from my husband instead. I just wish my husband could care for me the same way and be more supportive of my goals. He says he loves me no matter what, but then why is he pushing this? Either way, I'm doing this for me. If my husband is not happy, I'm a fabulous enough person to know there are plenty men in the sea.

At 160 lbs, youre BMI is still pretty high. I am also 5'2 and aiming for my first big goal of 140, and GOAL WEIGHT of 120-125. The way I look at it is.... I definitely want to lose the weight FOR ME, but my fiance is such a good man and he deserves a healthy, beautiful woman next to him. And he's supportive of me losing weight. Good luck to you. You CAN lose the weight, but do it for YOU and what YOU want. I personally want to be a beautiful woman for my man. And also, to look good in CUTE clothes! lol (I never feel cute in anything i wear, I cant stand it)

imthejenjen

Sorry your husband is being like this, yes he shouldn't care what weight you are except for health reasons. Your doctor however is correct about you aiming for 115-120lbs. I'm 120lbs and same height as you and aiming to lose that last 3lbs and I got up close to 150lbs and felt VERY fat so I don't know how you'd like to be 160lbs..

That is you, not her!!

I am 159 right now and I don't feel fat. I am 2 inches taller, but really don't think that matters a whole lot, especially if you gain weight in the butt or boobs area. I am not so lucky with either area. JS

when you are talking about short people, 2" is a big deal. A taller woman could gain 5 lbs and NO ONE would notice. It's not like that for the really short girls. 5 lbs is VERY noticeable. ;]

MyChocolateDiet

Sigh...I'm sorry Angie...men suck. They're either sabotaging our efforts to be healthy out of insecurity we will leave, or they aren't happy unless we are the size of a supermodel.

That's a pretty broad brush you're using..

not only is it broad, it's worn out down to the nub almost, and yeah it's useless.

As women we are never going to be able to take control of our own lives and weight or anything unless we stop blaming the men in our lives for EVERYthing and giving them way too much power and god like status and then looking for ways to knock it down, and resorting to the "dump him" knee jerk reaction. It's gotten to where men can't say any little thing to us that is not all hearts and flowers or else we can't tell our friends because they will be all "dump him" and "you don't have to take that", and whatnot. I can't tell my friends little issues with my hubby for fear of this retarded thinking. That's not feminist, nor is it empowered, that's just wasteful, and reckless thinking. I men how many men are we meant to go through in our lives? Really ladies? I don't know but I like real men, with real answers and could never tolerate a "yes" man in my life. In my work yeah (good for the ego), but not in my home where the stakes are so high. He needs to be man enough to tell me the truth and I need to be woman enough to take it.