Probably going to get slammed for this, but...
Replies
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I'm going to venture a guess that she's probably just as self conscious about herself as you are about yourself ... and even though she probably feels good about her progress, I'm sure, as your friend, she always thinks you look great. I mean, if she hasn't seen you in a while, she may not have noticed your gain at all, and is more focused on the fact that it was nice to see an old friend.
But, I also get the feeling that women would have a lot less trouble with 'vindictive' 'backstabbing' behavior if they stopped assuming everything another woman said and did was out of nastiness and spite.
^so true.0 -
You weren't super honest either..........you said nothing?0
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You weren't super honest either..........you said nothing?
you shush with your logic
that's not allowed here**** that ******* ***** for being ******* nice to you WTF
QFT.
Why do women hate on other women, even the ones they call "friends" so much?!
I learned on MFP that 'friends' and 'boyfriends' and 'husbands' are the people you keep around in real life but make fun of on the internet.0 -
I think she probably just said it for something to say. When people who have not seen me in a while say I look good, my automatic reaction is to say "So do you." Why do I do this? It's natural, based on gender communication norms.
My academic research background is in gender communication issues. Commonly, when little boys play, they will tell stories where they try to top each other with each statement. Little girls, however, try to find things in common. There is a good video about gender communication issues by Georgetown linguistics professor Dr. Deborah Tannen in which they show little girls in a similar situation. Even if the little girls are fibbing a little, they will make statements to show how they are the same as the other little girl in the experiment. We hold onto these patterns even into adulthood.0 -
This is silly. You gaining weight doesn't mean you can't look great. If that were the case, I guess I NEVER look great because I weigh more than you! lol Now, I know I look great, so I don't need any validation from my friend to tell me that...And I guarantee you had she said you're overweight, you would have posted a thread complaining about the audacity of this girl to comment on your weight.
^^^^^Real Talk......Let the church say AMEN!0 -
I also hate it when people are nice and say good things to me. How I wish my closest friends would just walk up to me, call me stupid and ugly, spit a loogie in my eye, and then kick me in the balls.
Life would be so much more enjoyable if everyone was a disgusting pig to each other.0 -
Rme at people saying she wasn't being a "good friend" because she wasn't supportive by telling you you're a fatass.
Saying you're going to be honest and actually being honest are two different things. Plus, maybe you were at the same place in your fitness/lifestyle when you made that promise to be honest to each other. Now your friend is 50lbs lighter, you heavier, so maybe she really isn't comfortable with pointing out your lack of progress? I know I wouldn't want to be on the giving or the receiving end of that home truth.
And maybe, through losing 50lbs, she's realized that you can't tell someone else to go to the gym and eat less and expect them to do it like magic. Doesn't work that way.0 -
Maybe she was just proud of her achievements.0
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Pay no mind to her, Just do your thing and know what your goals are.
STAY POSITIVE
Kathy0 -
LOL I clearly don't explain myself well. It wasn't about her losing weight and me being jealous. I was actually happy she was in better shape because she was always sick before and now isn't as often. And no she was not complimenting me on how I was dressed and how my hair looked. It was very clear when she launched into a 20 min dissertation on how she goes to the gym everyday and all of its benefits and that I would love it that she was trying to say something with out saying it. We used to spent every weekend together for years, so I know her well. She does that kind of thing to people all the time.
My whole thread was meant to focus on people being honest and saying what you are really thinking. But telling someone an outfit looks great on them and then telling a friend it looks like a tent or telling a guy that his tshirt looks great when you can see its 2 sizes to small, or doing like my friend did - THOSE ARE NOT HONEST!! If someone is your friend why do you lie to them. Do you have to be as brutal (and tactless) as I tend to be - no. But you can at least be honest.
I walked into my bosses office last week and told him he smelled (i was actually talking about his office, but brain to mouth communication isn't always working) Did I mean it to be insulting, no, I was just trying to tell him that there was an odor because I know that he sees a lot of clients and who wants people wrinkling their nose when they walk into someones office and talking about it later.0 -
I kinda agree with the OP, a couple of years ago I attended a funeral of the husband of a former co-worker, so a lot of people that I used to work with were there. I had gained about 100lbs since I had last seen most of these people. I was already self conscious about the weight gain, since I had lost 80lbs while working at the company and they were all very supportive, but person after person kept saying how great I looked and I felt like I needed to apologize for gaining all the weight back (plus extra). I would have preferred they said it was great to see me or not say anything at all. I knew they meant well, but I ended up feeling worse about myself by the time I left.0
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Did you ever think that she loves you and wants u to feel good about yourself in spite of your weight gain. Your friend lost weight and knows exactly how it feels to be fat and being fat leads to depression. Would you really have appreciated salt in the wound or encouragement? I think she' s a good Friend for sharing her weight loss approach so that next time you see her maybe that 30 lbs. Will be long gone. You probably did look good girl Don' t let a number on a scale define you. good luck and best wishes.:flowerforyou:0
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At the same time, I've heard people rant about their feelings being hurt. I agree that I'd much rather hear the truth, I knew when I was eating too much and not exercising enough. I had a mirror and saw photos. If you live by the idea, if you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all, then don't remember a lie isn't nice either.0
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I also hate it when people are nice and say good things to me. How I wish my closest friends would just walk up to me, call me stupid and ugly, spit a loogie in my eye, and then kick me in the balls.
Life would be so much more enjoyable if everyone was a disgusting pig to each other.
KICKS SHINS AND RUNS0 -
Maybe she thought your hair and skin looked great that day and wasnt looking at the size of your *kitten*...0
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LOL I clearly don't explain myself well.
My whole thread was meant to focus on people being honest and saying what you are really thinking.
we got that. then you reacted dishonestly toward her and told everyone here how you really feel. :flowerforyou:0 -
I totally agree with this. I think we need to own our part, and leave our assumptions of what other people think of us in our heads...
What other people think of us is none of our business and can't make us feel anyway unless we allow it....
And who cares that the other girl is thinner....thinner people aren't always judging those around them as fatter etc.
Maybe it's time to do a little positive self talk!0 -
LOL I clearly don't explain myself well.
My whole thread was meant to focus on people being honest and saying what you are really thinking.
we got that. then you reacted dishonestly toward her and told everyone here how you really feel. :flowerforyou:
^^^^
I totally agree with this. I think we need to own our part, and leave our assumptions of what other people think of us in our heads...
What other people think of us is none of our business and can't make us feel anyway unless we allow it....
And who cares that the other girl is thinner....thinner people aren't always judging those around them as fatter etc.
Maybe it's time to do a little positive self talk! Whoa.0 -
LOL I clearly don't explain myself well.
My whole thread was meant to focus on people being honest and saying what you are really thinking.
we got that. then you reacted dishonestly toward her and told everyone here how you really feel. :flowerforyou:
I told her the same thing. I'm not afraid to be honest about what I'm thinking. Does it get me in trouble sometimes, yes, but I would rather know I was saying what I really thought than hiding it with false compliments.0 -
LOL I clearly don't explain myself well. It wasn't about her losing weight and me being jealous. I was actually happy she was in better shape because she was always sick before and now isn't as often. And no she was not complimenting me on how I was dressed and how my hair looked. It was very clear when she launched into a 20 min dissertation on how she goes to the gym everyday and all of its benefits and that I would love it that she was trying to say something with out saying it. We used to spent every weekend together for years, so I know her well. She does that kind of thing to people all the time.
My whole thread was meant to focus on people being honest and saying what you are really thinking. But telling someone an outfit looks great on them and then telling a friend it looks like a tent or telling a guy that his tshirt looks great when you can see its 2 sizes to small, or doing like my friend did - THOSE ARE NOT HONEST!! If someone is your friend why do you lie to them. Do you have to be as brutal (and tactless) as I tend to be - no. But you can at least be honest.
I walked into my bosses office last week and told him he smelled (i was actually talking about his office, but brain to mouth communication isn't always working) Did I mean it to be insulting, no, I was just trying to tell him that there was an odor because I know that he sees a lot of clients and who wants people wrinkling their nose when they walk into someones office and talking about it later.
okay I was gonna say maybe you're skin was better or you're in a new relationship and glowing and she hadn't noticed your 30 lbs...but you know her well and glad you cleared this up. yeah my godmother does this A LOT to people so I get it. So recently I read where in come cultures an insincere compliment like that is very frowned upon and considered a curse! I dno I wanted it to be she didn't notice your weight and your skin was great so you could move on and feel better. As it stands I never figured out what to do about my godmother because her position requires I show her respect but when she turned her antics on me one day, I went full force at several people close to her who she tried defending until she said she was getting upset and needed to hang up. We haven't talked since which is okay with me and I just reopened communication by putting her back on my chrismas card list. So all in all maybe you should just be thankful she is no longer really your friend anymore if she's turning her tactics on you and as a peer you owe her no respect or position and if she does it again you can just let her have it and let the chips fall where they may.0 -
Haven't you heard the saying:
Men socialize by insulting each other, but they don't really mean it. Women socialize by complimenting each other, and they don't really mean it either.
Don't sweat it. Remember that other saying: Just do you!
Good luck.0 -
I don't get it... people can be measured by many different fields. And if you only going to measure yours by your weight. Then your shorting yourself. (health and happiness=/= weight number) Maybe, she was looking at your clothes, or overall appearance. Or just your smile.0
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Maybe she just wanted you to say something about her I do it with my poor husband every day I say DO I LOOK BETTER!?! he's honest and he'll tell me no or yes or look the same where as my girl friends will say Yeah you look better. Maybe she didn't want to hurt your feelings 0
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LOL I clearly don't explain myself well.
My whole thread was meant to focus on people being honest and saying what you are really thinking.
we got that. then you reacted dishonestly toward her and told everyone here how you really feel. :flowerforyou:
I told her the same thing. I'm not afraid to be honest about what I'm thinking. Does it get me in trouble sometimes, yes, but I would rather know I was saying what I really thought than hiding it with false compliments.
you already talked to her about this and THEN came on the internet to talk bad about her?
O_O
girls are terrifying.0 -
I could tell by the way she said it and how she spent the next few minutes describing how she got in shape that what she said was just a back-handed compliment.
Or, you could be more self-conscious of your weight, and be negatively projecting your insecurities of your weight onto her happiness in getting fit?
FYI: There's been quite a few psychological studies on the attractiveness of friends to other friends. You guys said you used to be close friends. She hadn't seen you in awhile. She was probably feeling good and more positive with her own success.
She probably did think you looked good.
I agree with this. I find myself complimenting people more often now that I feel better about myself.
:drinker:0 -
Damn girl, you have gotten fatter - you should really get to a gym.
You're welcome.
oh that's funny! I was thinking the same thing.0 -
LOL I clearly don't explain myself well. It wasn't about her losing weight and me being jealous. I was actually happy she was in better shape because she was always sick before and now isn't as often. And no she was not complimenting me on how I was dressed and how my hair looked. It was very clear when she launched into a 20 min dissertation on how she goes to the gym everyday and all of its benefits and that I would love it that she was trying to say something with out saying it. We used to spent every weekend together for years, so I know her well. She does that kind of thing to people all the time.
My whole thread was meant to focus on people being honest and saying what you are really thinking. But telling someone an outfit looks great on them and then telling a friend it looks like a tent or telling a guy that his tshirt looks great when you can see its 2 sizes to small, or doing like my friend did - THOSE ARE NOT HONEST!! If someone is your friend why do you lie to them. Do you have to be as brutal (and tactless) as I tend to be - no. But you can at least be honest.
I walked into my bosses office last week and told him he smelled (i was actually talking about his office, but brain to mouth communication isn't always working) Did I mean it to be insulting, no, I was just trying to tell him that there was an odor because I know that he sees a lot of clients and who wants people wrinkling their nose when they walk into someones office and talking about it later.
Did you call her out and say "Um cut the *kitten* you know I don't look great, I look like *kitten* right now!" when she told you you look great? Or did you hold it in and then go tell everyone on MFP how much of a b*itch she is? Doesn't really sound like you took your own advice...0 -
Seems like your friend had 3 choices...
1. Cut the red wire
2. Cut the blue wire
3. Tell the bomb it was pretty
"oh hey! I haven't seen you in so long! you look like you ate a house!"
OR
"hey! How have you been I've missed you!"
OR
"You're so pretty!"
I know which one I'd Choose:
"Cake is delicious."
SO MUCH WIN!!!0 -
LOL I clearly don't explain myself well.
My whole thread was meant to focus on people being honest and saying what you are really thinking.
we got that. then you reacted dishonestly toward her and told everyone here how you really feel. :flowerforyou:
I told her the same thing. I'm not afraid to be honest about what I'm thinking. Does it get me in trouble sometimes, yes, but I would rather know I was saying what I really thought than hiding it with false compliments.
So you're mad your friend doesn't communicate exactly like you do?0 -
Haven't you heard the saying:
Men socialize by insulting each other, but they don't really mean it. Women socialize by complimenting each other, and they don't really mean it either.
Don't sweat it. Remember that other saying: Just do you!
Good luck.
Hmm, a lot of the guys I know insult each others flaws in a joking way. They are telling the truth, it's just the recipient doesn't usually get offended.
As for women, I can't speak for all, but I do compliment others a lot, however, I look for something to genuinely compliment. I am telling the truth.0
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