Advice, please...dating a man with 2 daughters

whitehairedguy64

As a male who dated, married, and adopted my wife's four children (3 girls and aboy) I have to take issue with many of the comments made here.

Your relationship with your bf is completely different that the relationship he has with his daughters.

Your relationship is an adult relationship and consists of, but not limited to, potential spouse, providing emotional, physical, and potentially financial support not only to your bf but his daughters, intimacy, friendship, companionship and everything else that a romantic, committed, adult, male, female, healthy, loving relationship, should be.

Next is : what is expected, or permitted, for a relationship involving his daughters? Will you be included, or left out of a role of parenting. Being a "step" parent is NOT an easy role.


For him to say you will be #3 is a misguided comment. Yes, it shows committment to the well being of his daughters, but what about his committment to you?

My advice is for the two of you to sit down and have a serious conversation about this. You need to discuss how you fit into a relationship with him, a relationship with his daughters, and and a relationship involving the four of you as a family. If after the conversation you're still uncomfortable as to where you fit in the pecking order and what your role will be, I suggest you cut your losses and move on.

athenaheim

As a male who dated, married, and adopted my wife's four children (3 girls and aboy) I have to take issue with many of the comments made here.

Your relationship with your bf is completely different that the relationship he has with his daughters.

Your relationship is an adult relationship and consists of, but not limited to, potential spouse, providing emotional, physical, and potentially financial support not only to your bf but his daughters, intimacy, friendship, companionship and everything else that a romantic, committed, adult, male, female, healthy, loving relationship, should be.

Next is : what is expected, or permitted, for a relationship involving his daughters? Will you be included, or left out of a role of parenting. Being a "step" parent is NOT an easy role.


For him to say you will be #3 is a misguided comment. Yes, it shows committment to the well being of his daughters, but what about his committment to you?

My advice is for the two of you to sit down and have a serious conversation about this. You need to discuss how you fit into a relationship with him, a relationship with his daughters, and and a relationship involving the four of you as a family. If after the conversation you're still uncomfortable as to where you fit in the pecking order and what your role will be, I suggest you cut your losses and move on.

Good point.

megalin9

As a male who dated, married, and adopted my wife's four children (3 girls and aboy) I have to take issue with many of the comments made here.

Your relationship with your bf is completely different that the relationship he has with his daughters.

Your relationship is an adult relationship and consists of, but not limited to, potential spouse, providing emotional, physical, and potentially financial support not only to your bf but his daughters, intimacy, friendship, companionship and everything else that a romantic, committed, adult, male, female, healthy, loving relationship, should be.

Next is : what is expected, or permitted, for a relationship involving his daughters? Will you be included, or left out of a role of parenting. Being a "step" parent is NOT an easy role.


For him to say you will be #3 is a misguided comment. Yes, it shows committment to the well being of his daughters, but what about his committment to you?

My advice is for the two of you to sit down and have a serious conversation about this. You need to discuss how you fit into a relationship with him, a relationship with his daughters, and and a relationship involving the four of you as a family. If after the conversation you're still uncomfortable as to where you fit in the pecking order and what your role will be, I suggest you cut your losses and move on.

Completely agree.

Dauntlessness

I don't have kids so my perspective might be a little skewed. If I were in your position I would feel hurt too. To me, there are 2 very different types of respects that need to take place here.

1st -You need to know that you are secure in your relationship, that he WILL put you first too. He should look at you as a potential part of his family, therefor, he should combined you and his daughters into "I put my family first". Everyday life all of you deserve the same amount of respect and love. He also should not let the kids dictate his whole life. He needs to be happy too. Yes, if he was faced with the choice between you or the kids. The kids win but that's should ONLY be relevant in a dire situation, again, not everyday life.

2nd- If you date someone with kids, you need to be certain you can fulfill the role of a mentor before meeting them. You need to be prepared for a long term relationship with this person. If you cant see that in your future. DO NOT meet the kids. This is a package deal. Not only he/she can be hurt, the kids suffer the worst.
I am a very strong believer that children, no matter the age, need a united family unit. That means the dad/stepmom, mom/stepdad need to be on the same page at all times. Kids WILL mess with you and play your against each other to get their own way. I am so sick of seeing people that get into relationships someone that has kids from a previous marriage get walked all over and have no authority. It really is a recipe for disaster. The kids get a sense of entitlement and power and the spouse feels resentful and disrespected. Just cut it out. They are kids, you are adults. There are things you cant make decision for them without consulting your partner but with the daily grinds, you need to be able to guide them too. They need to respect that you are a mentor. Your partner should NEVER let the child get away with mistreating you or you mistreating the child. I say jump in with both feet, love them as much as you can until they love you back. If you are sincere and treat them good, they will eventually let their guard down and you'll start off a great relationship with them

AlsDonkBoxSquat

I've known my husband since we were 12. I always imagined that he would be the most important person in my life, then I had my son and realized that my children will always be the most important people in my life, along with my husband because that's my family and family comes first.

Why the two of you were talking in terms of a ranking system I have no idea, but the order of it all isn't what's important, that family comes first is what's important. Seems to me his best 3 girls, his family, come first. His daughter is going to need a lot of reassurance, but family is like that sometimes. Sounds like you've been on the losing end of this type of relationship in the past and don't want to be there again but from the other side . . . but it also sounds like it's all working out okay.

My recommendation is to know that the fact that family comes first is just one of the many things that make him a good quality mate, and that you are definitely family.

jeffrodgers1

I am going to ask for advice...now, please don't make rude comments, or bash anyone else's advice as we are all individuals who have different opinions and values...


This may sound strange but I have dated a guy with sons...but never a guy with daughters. It seems that this is very different. Women or girls can be catty, competitive, or just down right *****y....

D is a WONDERFUL guy. He is a good father, treats me well, has a good job, is respectful, kind, funny, and handsome.

Here is the problem....we were talking last night and he said something to me that kind of stung...(I don't think he meant it to be so)

I know and respect that his daughters come first in his life and I never will...(sounds kind of depressing, I know). Last night he said something and it hurt me because he bascially told me that I was 3rd in his life. My heart dropped. I mean I know that his girls will come first...but is it too much to make me feel like I may be number 1 (just for a minute)??? It truly stung..and made me realize that I won't ever be his number one. He will always be mine...

His daughter Desiree asked him last night a bunch of questions...she is concerned (as she should be)...about he and I. She is 13 years old. When I was 13 years old my father remarried a woman and I never saw him again. It broke my heart..still hurts to this day that my father dropped me and my sis like a bad habit. So, I completely understand her feelings..more than he may know. She feels like her daddy won't love her anymore if he loves me....again, I understand her feelings....

I have never made his girls feel bad, been cruel to them or anything...and she has said as such...it is just one of those internal feelings you get.

The thing I Can't shake is that I will never feel important in his life....like he is in mine. He will always be the number one person in my life..I will love him, respect, take care of and support him..but if it came down to it and I needed him and his daughters needed him...I would be left in a heartbeat.

Am I nuts for feeling the way I do? I love him. He loves me. But I know that oftentimes...love isn't enough.

Is what I am saying making sense?

As a father of two daughters myself (and living in a blended family), I can tell you that fathers are a possessive breed. I would walk thru the gates of hell for my daughters. I lay down my life for them. There are very few people who I would do that for. Much like a mother bear protects her cubs... Papa bear does the same (and sometime more).

Out of curiosity... did he say this to his girls with you present or did he say it just to you? The difference is that his daughters may feel insecure with your presence and he may be trying to comfort their fears. If he said it straight to you in private... he may have other issues (sorry) and choice of words would be one of them.

As a prospective step mom what you can do is build a friendship with the two girls and make sure they understand you aren't their to steal Daddy (or replace Mommy)... this is often a real fear for kids in this situation. The world they once knew is changing and they feel powerless about it.

What I would suggest is that you make your intentions clear to them in age appropriate ways and reassure them that their father isn't going anywhere (Spa day anyone? Chick flicks anyone?). Remember to have fun with them... spoil them to a degree, but remember they are his kids when decisions need to be made, or discipline needs to be meted out. As a step parent, you will be in the capacity of backup pilot... only called into service when the pilot is unavailable. You don't set the course, but are there to help out in an emergency.

Also remember that as kids grow older, they will distance themselves and need their Daddy less and less... as this happens he will need someone more and more. As a Daddy, I can say that letting go is very hard but am so very grateful that my daughters step mom has been there thru this for me (and my kids). My oldest daughter is now 17 and on the verge of adulthood. She made my a grand father this year. My wife has been my rock through out this. I value my wife more and more every day... not because she was ever number three (I told her when we were dating that my kids would always come first), but because she has stuck with me all the times I stepped in number two.

Yes, You are in a hard spot. I feel for you. What he said was insensitive (but I don't know the full context). But the future is where its heading... don't let it be governed by something he said in the past.

I hope some of what I am saying resonates with you. You are important.

Best Wishes

_DaniD_

I know and respect that his daughters come first in his life and I never will...(sounds kind of depressing, I know). Last night he said something and it hurt me because he bascially told me that I was 3rd in his life. My heart dropped. I mean I know that his girls will come first...but is it too much to make me feel like I may be number 1 (just for a minute)??? It truly stung..and made me realize that I won't ever be his number one. He will always be mine...

I didn't read any of the other comments, but I'm seriously shocked by your post. You sound completely immature, needy and selfish.

Also, I would never be with a guy who made me #1 over his own children.

AwesomeMoJo

A psychiatrist I am not, but the fact that you talk about your own childhood abandonment issues with your own father points to a deeper unresolved issue that has haunted you for years.

I'm just going off of what you said, but just make sure you aren't subconsciously trying to perpetrate against these girls of his exactly what happened to you. Worst case scenario you become the aggressor in the act that you were once the victim in at a much younger turning point in your life. Please do not read this as me accusing you of this. I am not. Just pointing out the worst case scenario. I don't know you. Maybe you are a heartless b. Maybe you are the best. I have no idea.

Hard words. I'll probably be told I'm nuts and you're a better person than that, but this is basic psychology here. Textbook stuff.

That said, I hope things work out. Women are territorial by nature, and you're on these girls' turf. At some base level, you really ARE a threat to their security because right now they have dad all to themselves. Being a step-parent and living with your stepkids USUALLY sucks giant monkey balls because you can administer no justice and have to take all kinds of "you aren't my parent" abuse from children who say truly awful things.

Best of luck, but I'd keep looking. I'm sure he's a great guy, but there are MILLIONS of fish in the sea. Don't settle. Your spidey senses are right. This is going to be trouble from the word "go."

In a way you are correct..I would NEVER let what happened to me..happen to them. My "step"monster was horrible. Luckily, my mom remarred a wonderful man who I call dad. He had 2 kids..I am a member of a blended family. Girls are territorial..exactly...this is their daddy. I, just want for us to become a family. I want them to feel welcome in the home me and their dad live in together. I don't want to take them away from their mom. I just want to love him, respect him, take care of him, supoort him, and ALL that is important to him especially his children. HE ws not "qunatifying" his love for me...

Desiree is being open and honest about her feelings which is a good and healthy thing to do. She isnt acting out or being cruel, or a moody teen..she brought up valid points and questions for a 13 yr old girl. I want us to be happy...all 4 of us....

I believe in good communication..sometimes we choose the wrongs words to get a point across...which is what he did. His daughter is doing the healthy thing in epressing her feelings as well. He is trying to make sure we are all happy, while trying to be happy himself...

I am lucky and blessed to have such a wonderful man in my life...this much I do know.

LLaceFace

As I read through here I realized that most people have the same feeling. The fact that he puts his daughters first does add strength to his character. Any dad that would abandon his own blood for a woman or even put them second is really not much of a man at all. So where you are concerned of not being first, I think I see the brighter side...He is a Great guy! I don't know what your view on children of your own is, but he seems like the kind of guy that would make a good father of your kids one day if it came to that. Then you would be 4th but still one big happy family

BinaryPulsar

This may sound strange but I have dated a guy with sons...but never a guy with daughters. It seems that this is very different. Women or girls can be catty, competitive, or just down right *****y....

I don't understand the reasoning in this part of your OP? Is this what you are saying about your own reaction to his daughters (as in this is what you, as a woman, are like) or are you saying this is what his daughters are like? Have you had personal experiences with them that would fall into this category and warrant saying such a thing?

I disagree, this has not been my experience with myself, with other women, and especially not with teenage girls or with my own daughters (they are younger). If it was, then I guess I didn't notice because I would have quickly chosen not to be friends with people I felt this way about.

If this is how you feel, then maybe it isn't a good match for you. Maybe being a stepmother for teenage girls isn't right for you. Because, as the adult and stepmother, you should not feel this way or have this kind of relationship with the girls. It is not healthy.

danigirl1011

Seems like you've got the right perspective, just hearing a comment stung you.

That's part of KNOWING that his daughters come first. They are #1 in his life. That doesn't mean he doesn't love you or that you don't mean the world to him. Just that the kids come first. That's all.

It shows what a good father he is. And there's nothing more important than that. Would you still respect him if he was like your "father" (hard to call him that), who left you and your sister for some other woman?

It isn't easy. But it's better to be with a good man who's committed to his kids. That means he can also be committed to your relationship. If he were putting you ahead of his own children I'd be worried for you about the kind of guy you were with.

Good luck to you. You got this, just a moment of angst is all.

I always said i would never date a guy with kids. I feel like when you are young and single and you meet someone you love them more than anything or anyone you have ever loved. Then you have kids together and i think you get a glimpse of what true and unconditional love is. I guess i just wanted to experience that with someone and know i was someone's love before the kids came. Now, after having the greatest man on earth come into my life, I dropped my rule about not dating someone with kids and i am in the same boat as you. He has never necessarily said i am 3rd, and i think he would feel bad saying that, as he knows it would hurt me having it said out loud. But, he is an amazing father. It's one of the things i love most about him. And i know for a fact his kids do and always will come first.

I know first hand how tough it can be. I know in my head our plans can change in an instant if his kids call and want to come over, etc. But, i think you just need to think about how much you love him and if you think you can find someone else you would feel the same about. I know that I won't find anyone i would truly genuinely care about as much as i care about him, so i choose to stay and be "3rd" in his life. I would rather be his 3rd any day than be 1st with someone i don't really love. I think relationships have ups and downs and if this is the worst it gets that his kids come first, then you are with a good man. You can make it through this if you really want to be with him

I quoted the gentleman above, because i thought it was great advice.

Fox_n_sox

Yes, his daughters do come first. MAJORITY of the time, but he does need to make you feel first every once in a while. You should not be the dishes you only take out for Christmas. I have a daughter. And I am not with her father, but if I ever dated a guy, I would show him he is my number one 1 man. And I wouldn't rub it in his face that the child that is not his comes before him, because he will already know that.

Just let him know how he made you feel. Let him know that you know his daughters come first and you expect that, but he should show you he cares for you as well.

oregonzoo

Children will always be #1.


My fiance realizes my children are #1.That's the way it should be. He realizes that.

Now I understand that there was some initial shock in hearing that, but if he didn't feel that way I'd head for the hils.

stosto77

I am married to a man with two daughters. After many problems, arguments, discussions and counselling sessions- your spouse/marriage comes first (after God) and then children. Point Blank. God- marriage- children. After we got the priority right, everything else began to fall in place. I have a son too- so this isn't just me bashing his kids. We all had to realize that the marriage comes first. Both he and I had to work on this. So, if he does not have any intentions of putting your marriage first, if you were to get married then I would suggest counselling or move on.

AwesomeMoJo

This may sound strange but I have dated a guy with sons...but never a guy with daughters. It seems that this is very different. Women or girls can be catty, competitive, or just down right *****y....

I don't understand the reasoning in this part of your OP? Is this what you are saying about your own reaction to his daughters (as in this is what you, as a woman, are like) or are you saying this is what his daughters are like? Have you had personal experiences with them that would fall into this category and warrant saying such a thing?

I disagree, this has not been my experience with myself, with other women, and especially not with teenage girls or with my own daughters (they are younger). If it was, then I guess I didn't notice because I would have quickly chosen not to be friends with people I felt this way about.

If this is how you feel, then maybe it isn't a good match for you. Maybe being a stepmother for teenage girls isn't right for you. Because, as the adult and stepmother, you should not feel this way or have this kind of relationship with the girls. It is not healthy.

BinaryPulser...I think you may have misunderstood what was said. WHen I dated a man with boys..it was not as bad. They loved me, accepted me ,and were happy...I know for a fact that women are different. Little girls are different. When my mother was dating my step-dad his daughter did everything in her power to try and make sure they didn't get married..she was bratty, catty, b!tchy, and even played "sick" to get his attention....even though he never left them, always saw her, had special time with her and she was included in everything we did as a family.

I was also dropped by my father when he remarried so I understand the feelings of his 13 yr old daughter. Being a stepmother would be okay with me. I understand they havetheir parents and I am a secondary part of their lives....I would never get in the way of how both parents chose to discipline the kids, I respect them as his daughters, and as individuals with their own feelings. I just want to be sure that I don't do or say anything that may cause a chemical reaction and explosion...if you think even for a second that little girls are not manioulative in trying to get daddy's attention..then you are mistaken. There have been movies made based on it for goodness sake..the funniest I Can think of is "THe Parent Trap"...

I just want to be sure I do not step over any boundaries that would creat any resentment or anger from them. He is a wonderful father. His girls are being honest about their feelings..nothing wrong with that. I am being honest about mine. I would like to be a family with all of us happy...but it is a process...it will take time..and I am sure we will be fine...just needed a little guidance from my peers.

JayHesker

I disliked my own teenage daughter. I can't imagine someone else's.

So true. I don't have kids, but this is refreshing.

breeshabebe

Eeeh. I think I'm going to disagree with most.

My dad remarried when I was a pre-teen. I remember vividly the conversation he had with my brother and me telling us that Carolyn would be #1 in his life as his wife. I didn't understand it at the time. I kept telling him, "But Dad, we were here first!" But he didn't mean that she would be MORE IMPORTANT than us or that, if we were all drowning, he would save her first. I don't think that's what being put first means. I think having a healthy, happy, stable home for your children is dependent first on having a healthy, happy, stable marriage, and that means putting your priority and your energy into your spouse's needs first sometimes. With both of you making each other your top priority, you naturally put your children first as a couple. As a couple, the children's needs, safety, protection, happiness, etc., comes first...as a couple.

I also married a man who had a pre-teen daughter. She is 14 now. The beginning was ROUGH. I was definitely trampling on her and her dad's way of life, and I regret a lot about that first year. Now, though, it seems like things are much more balanced. I feel that my husband and I are #1 in each other's lives, and as a couple, all three of our children (his daughter included) come first in our lives. We make sure that WE are communicating, working together, taking care of one another's needs, going on the occasional date night, etc. for the good of our entire family. If my husband kept fighting to make his daughter #1 in his life without taking into consideration my feelings on how it affected our entire family, I'm not sure we would still be together.

As far as your situation, I agree that it says a lot about the kind of man you are dating that he cares so much for his daughters, especially because you are only dating. At the same time, I agree with others who have said that, if he is committed to you, he also needs to stand up for you. He should never allow his daughters to disrespect you, and you should have natural adult authority in their lives. You're not their mother, but you are an adult, and you are important to him. It just might take some time to figure out that balance.

Please don't crucify me!

100% agree! This was exactly what I was thinking, but I don't have the personal experience to back it up. I'm glad that you do!

TylerJ76

I am married to a man with two daughters. After many problems, arguments, discussions and counselling sessions- your spouse/marriage comes first (after God) and then children. Point Blank. God- marriage- children. After we got the priority right, everything else began to fall in place. I have a son too- so this isn't just me bashing his kids. We all had to realize that the marriage comes first. Both he and I had to work on this. So, if he does not have any intentions of putting your marriage first, if you were to get married then I would suggest counselling or move on.

You really put your marriage before your kids?

*shakes head*

odusgolp

I am married to a man with two daughters. After many problems, arguments, discussions and counselling sessions- your spouse/marriage comes first (after God) and then children. Point Blank. God- marriage- children. After we got the priority right, everything else began to fall in place. I have a son too- so this isn't just me bashing his kids. We all had to realize that the marriage comes first. Both he and I had to work on this. So, if he does not have any intentions of putting your marriage first, if you were to get married then I would suggest counselling or move on.

Was your counselor a member of the clergy?

BinaryPulsar

This may sound strange but I have dated a guy with sons...but never a guy with daughters. It seems that this is very different. Women or girls can be catty, competitive, or just down right *****y....

I don't understand the reasoning in this part of your OP? Is this what you are saying about your own reaction to his daughters (as in this is what you, as a woman, are like) or are you saying this is what his daughters are like? Have you had personal experiences with them that would fall into this category and warrant saying such a thing?

I disagree, this has not been my experience with myself, with other women, and especially not with teenage girls or with my own daughters (they are younger). If it was, then I guess I didn't notice because I would have quickly chosen not to be friends with people I felt this way about.

If this is how you feel, then maybe it isn't a good match for you. Maybe being a stepmother for teenage girls isn't right for you. Because, as the adult and stepmother, you should not feel this way or have this kind of relationship with the girls. It is not healthy.

BinaryPulser...I think you may have misunderstood what was said. WHen I dated a man with boys..it was not as bad. They loved me, accepted me ,and were happy...I know for a fact that women are different. Little girls are different. When my mother was dating my step-dad his daughter did everything in her power to try and make sure they didn't get married..she was bratty, catty, b!tchy, and even played "sick" to get his attention....even though he never left them, always saw her, had special time with her and she was included in everything we did as a family.

I was also dropped by my father when he remarried so I understand the feelings of his 13 yr old daughter. Being a stepmother would be okay with me. I understand they havetheir parents and I am a secondary part of their lives....I would never get in the way of how both parents chose to discipline the kids, I respect them as his daughters, and as individuals with their own feelings. I just want to be sure that I don't do or say anything that may cause a chemical reaction and explosion...if you think even for a second that little girls are not manioulative in trying to get daddy's attention..then you are mistaken. There have been movies made based on it for goodness sake..the funniest I Can think of is "THe Parent Trap"...

I just want to be sure I do not step over any boundaries that would creat any resentment or anger from them. He is a wonderful father. His girls are being honest about their feelings..nothing wrong with that. I am being honest about mine. I would like to be a family with all of us happy...but it is a process...it will take time..and I am sure we will be fine...just needed a little guidance from my peers.

Thanks for explaining. I understand a lot better now. Thanks for not taking offense to what I said.

My experience growing up was very different, but I was severely abused by the man that was my stepfather (during the time that he was in that role in my life), so it was just a very different kind of situation. I was very quiet, good and obedient. My twin brother was the trouble maker and he did not get abused like I did. We were very young, though. Not teenagers, but very little children.

From my perspective parents need to put their kids first in case they end up in an abusive situation.

But, for myself in a healthy relationship, I don't think of my kids or husband as being ranked. My children are my children and my husband is my partner.

But, as a child it hurt me when my mother put other people ahead of me (even when they were harming me).

But, relationships should fill a person's life in a way that children never could. We are there to parent our children, not to expect them to be a partner, that's too much pressure on kids. Someday my kids will be grown and raised, but my husband and I will still be partners. My husband is the father of our children. I would feel differently if he was not (in that case I would need to know my children were first within myself, it's what being a parent is all about).