Advice, please...dating a man with 2 daughters

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  • kellie1055
    kellie1055 Posts: 80 Member
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    My husband and I have been together for 17 years (since I was 15). We waited till 4 years ago to have kids and as much as I love him Id step right over him to get to my kids and he would do the same. Spouses can be replaced....children are a part of your very soul. You would have loved to have had a father that was half as devoted as he is to his children. Remember that when you are feeling slighted.
  • monicalosesweight
    monicalosesweight Posts: 1,173 Member
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    I am married to a man with two daughters. After many problems, arguments, discussions and counselling sessions- your spouse/marriage comes first (after God) and then children. Point Blank. God- marriage- children. After we got the priority right, everything else began to fall in place. I have a son too- so this isn't just me bashing his kids. We all had to realize that the marriage comes first. Both he and I had to work on this. So, if he does not have any intentions of putting your marriage first, if you were to get married then I would suggest counselling or move on.
    You really put your marriage before your kids?

    *shakes head*
    I find it funny that some people can't at least see where someone with this opinion is coming from. Kids can tear a marriage apart just because they can be so difficult and reckless before they leave your house and move on. If you don't have an absolutely iron-clad relationship and "I got your back" bond with your spouse, kids can end a good marriage. It happens with natural parents, and is an even easier bond to break between a natural parent and a step-parent.

    Seriously, OP. Just move on. This is more trouble than it's worth. You are signing up for pain on this guy. Lots of pain. Not the good kind.

    I admit, being a single person I can relate to the idea of how I would have been upset at hearing myself ranked. Frankly, you should tell him it's not a matter of ranking. The relationships are totally different. You are his equal - he will be your lover, friend, and support and at some point will grow old with you. His children are a priority - BUT - they will grow up and marry and probably have kids of their own. That's when dad is no longer number 1 - it'll be the husband whose the priority. Basically, you guys need to discuss the roles you both plan on having within the relationship and may need to discuss exactly his expectations as to you and his daughters. Does he want you to be a role model? Will you be allowed to ground said daughter if she's disrespectful? Will he stand up to them if they are unhappy that he's chosen to make you a part of his life? If he can't answer these honestly and says he'll always choose their side even if they treat you poorly - you need to move on.

    I'm also concerned that you stated you'll never be able to have kids. I don't want kids but it's a different situation if you DO want to have kids. I believe some surgeries are reversible. Have you considered discussing that option? If you do want to have kids, you need to consider this one.

    Monica
  • taliar93
    taliar93 Posts: 111 Member
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    Honestly honey, if you are having issues with it now, you'll REALLY have issues with it then, especially when they hit mid teens and want Dad to take sides between you and them if an argument ensues.

    Attitude is half the battle and I wish y'all well.

    Well put, but I'd like to add, you marry someone, you marry their kids. While he may be telling you that he puts his kids first, no matter what, as it should be, you feel hurt by that, but you also know the feeling of being abandoned by your father for his new wife, they've had him all to themselves until now, there's probably a million things going on in their heads but the biggest thing they're worried about is the same thing you're essentially upset about, that you're not his favorite. Suck it up, Good luck either way.
  • AndreaMerrill
    AndreaMerrill Posts: 24 Member
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    I just want to say give it time with the girls. I am dating a fantastic man and wonderful father. He's always made it clear his kids are first in his life. I have to say my kids are to. But that's cause they're underage. He makes me feel like a queen and I know how important I am to him. We can't wait to spend our lives together. Even thought I know he puts his kids first in his decisions I also know I'm his true love and I'll be around long after the kids move on.

    I wouldn't try to buy the kids love - just give it time for everyone to get to know each other. Don't try to hard or you'll push them away. I'm in the same situation you are and I couldn't be happier :-) Good luck!
  • stosto77
    stosto77 Posts: 20 Member
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    http://www.csmonitor.com/Commentary/Opinion/2008/0826/p09s01-coop.html

    http://blogs.wsj.com/juggle/2008/09/08/put-your-spouse-first-have-happier-kids/

    http://www.alexis-bellino.com/god-first-marriage-second-children-third-common-misconceptions/

    http://blackandmarriedwithkids.com/2012/02/who-comes-first-in-your-marriage/

    http://www.huffingtonpost.com/vicki-larson/kids-come-first-but-only-_b_825472.html

    http://glo.msn.com/relationships/husband-first-kids-second-1534735.story#!stackState=0__/relationships/husband-first-kids-second-1534735.story
  • coe28
    coe28 Posts: 715 Member
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    http://www.csmonitor.com/Commentary/Opinion/2008/0826/p09s01-coop.html

    http://blogs.wsj.com/juggle/2008/09/08/put-your-spouse-first-have-happier-kids/

    http://www.alexis-bellino.com/god-first-marriage-second-children-third-common-misconceptions/

    http://blackandmarriedwithkids.com/2012/02/who-comes-first-in-your-marriage/

    http://www.huffingtonpost.com/vicki-larson/kids-come-first-but-only-_b_825472.html

    http://glo.msn.com/relationships/husband-first-kids-second-1534735.story#!stackState=0__/relationships/husband-first-kids-second-1534735.story

    http://ireport.cnn.com/docs/DOC-910282?fb_action_ids=10200398358100312&fb_action_types=og.recommends&fb_source=other_multiline&action_object_map={"10200398358100312":496303943746393}&action_type_map={"10200398358100312":"og.recommends"}&action_ref_map=[]
  • Will210
    Will210 Posts: 201 Member
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    The whole ranking thing is BS. Yeah I get it, your kid(s) is the most important thing but would that be different with the blood father/mother and still together? Does that qualify for a top 10 list? What if the kid is a teenager and a dirt bag who treats his/her parent like crap? Do I want too give my heart/soul to someone who 'ranks me' below this kid? I dunno. Regardless there is not a good reason to sit there and announce it to the person who may love you more than anyone else.
  • lour441
    lour441 Posts: 543 Member
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    Look at the bright side. His daughters will eventually move out.
  • lovelyMYlovely
    lovelyMYlovely Posts: 1,066 Member
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    omg are you joking??? listen.... im sorry but if u wanna be first in someones life either date them when the children ALREADY moved out OR date a guy with no kids...... it sounds like you dont have kids so you dont understand.... when a man and woman have a child the man will ALWAYS have a place in his heart for the baby mother and the CHILDREN always come first!! ALWAYS ... if you dont like it change your situation... there are millions and billions of people in this world....

    I know it will hurt you but seriously you want to be first and it will never happen.. BLOOD IS THICKER THAN WATER... and im sorry hun but i hate the idea of step mothers.... especially since your assuming that his kids may be catty.. no way...... this is not your place to judge... thats his children!! he created them!!! woman are replaceable children are not.....

    im only 22 and i already understand that this is no competition.. You shouldnt even be jealous... it wil get worse... come on his kids were there WAY before you!! are you joking right now......???
  • TylerJ76
    TylerJ76 Posts: 4,375 Member
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    http://www.csmonitor.com/Commentary/Opinion/2008/0826/p09s01-coop.html

    http://blogs.wsj.com/juggle/2008/09/08/put-your-spouse-first-have-happier-kids/

    http://www.alexis-bellino.com/god-first-marriage-second-children-third-common-misconceptions/

    http://blackandmarriedwithkids.com/2012/02/who-comes-first-in-your-marriage/

    http://www.huffingtonpost.com/vicki-larson/kids-come-first-but-only-_b_825472.html

    http://glo.msn.com/relationships/husband-first-kids-second-1534735.story#!stackState=0__/relationships/husband-first-kids-second-1534735.story

    Cool.
    I still don't think a spouse should come before kids...EVER.
  • BaileyP3
    BaileyP3 Posts: 151 Member
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    Been there...

    I met and fell in love with a man with 2 young daughters when I was 26. Even though children have never been part of my plan I turned my world upsidedown to be with him and the children that were 10 months and 3 years old. I sold my beautiful home and moved to suburbia, purchasing a home with 3 bedrooms for the benefit of my instant family and there we lived for 8 years. (of course with child support he wasn't in the position to participate in buying this home....nor paying bills...oh and that darn child support was the problem...so he said) Eight long, wrong years. As it turned out his ex-wife that he had left (she 'didn't understand' him) was a very intelligent doctor that resented my time with her children. The kids were lovely and quite well behaved but unfortunately when it came to her ex-husband and I she was very angry and unreasonable.

    Eventually we married....stupid me. I thought that by becoming his wife, that my happiness would somehow start to become a priority. It didn't. I was still stuck behind the kids, his parents and his ex (you know the old saying...if Mama's happy, eveyone's happy). Finally I removed myself from the mess that I had created for myself.

    And here's the funny thing. The thing that I admired most about him when we met...his sense of family...was our biggest challenge. I knew that the girls would always be the priority. What I didn't know is that because of their ages, their mom's happiness was part of the deal. To this day I wish her well. Our ex put us both through the ringer, pitting each of us against each other and now he's on to the next woman. Seems he has a type; we own homes, have careers, are childless and somehow flawed and looking to fill a void.

    It took me 5 years to re-group and re-build my life. Fortunately I eventually met my now-husband and we began a new journey....and now we've been together 9 years, a family of 3...2 humans and a cocker spaniel. :-))

    I share this with you as a perspective from someone who spent almost a decade of her own life trying to make something work that should never have been attempted.

    I wish you luck. Just remember that your living situation will include many more personalities than just you and your SO and the girls.
  • ItsCasey
    ItsCasey Posts: 4,022 Member
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    Do you want to be a mother/mother-figure? If you do, then no, he will not always be the most important person in your life. If you became his wife and the stepmother to his daughters, would you really place his needs above theirs? I don't think so. Not if being a mother to them is something you really want. And I hate to state the obvious, but if that's NOT what you really want, then you need to re-evaluate. Besides, because they are so important to him, their needs ARE his needs.

    I, too, would be frustrated if a man told me I would always be third in his life, but I would suggest that he probably is just trying to make it clear to you that his girls are his priority so that you aren't misled about how things are going to be. It's entirely possible that he has dated women in the past who expected to be placed ahead of the kids, and maybe he just wanted to make sure that wasn't an issue with you.

    But there will come a time when his children will be grown and have lives of their own. While they will (hopefully) always be a major part of his life, they are not always going to live in his house and need his constant care and attention, and then you would play an even bigger role in his life. He knows that. It doesn't mean his daughters will cease to be important to him. It just means that you'd be a more central figure in his day-to-day life.
  • DMZ_1
    DMZ_1 Posts: 2,889 Member
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    To the OP-Date a man without kids, and you will be the centerpiece.
  • Louisianababy93
    Louisianababy93 Posts: 1,709 Member
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    His two daughters should be the #1 thing in his life! and i think you should respect that!
    What kind if dad would he be if he put his girlfriend in front of his kids? just a thought.



    and if your upset about that, then you need to rethink things.
  • andyisandy
    andyisandy Posts: 433 Member
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    I dont understand how this hurts you? As a father of three, two arnt even mine by blood(which means nothing) they will always be first. I dont care if im 100 and they are in there late 70's, they will always be my heart. Either stop being jealous over his kids and know that he is a good guy or just find someone else.
  • bookworm_847
    bookworm_847 Posts: 1,903 Member
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    I think you never coming before his daughters says something about what kind of father he is. That is a good thing in my book..

    I agree with this 100%. Just because you're not #1 all the time doesn't mean that he won't love you or anything. I don't think anyone ever runs out of room for people to love. While his daughters might be the first priority in his life, you'll be the one who is by his side and being his partner through life. I wouldn't doubt he knows this, but perhaps his statement could have been worded differently.

    Just from personal experience as a daughter, it's very important that his daughters be at the top of the list. When my dad married his 2nd wife, I went from being the first born & Daddy's little girl to ceasing to exist. It hurt a lot, and I harbored a lot of resentment toward my dad and his wife.

    You said you have a good relationship with his kids, and that's great. I think though that it's a good thing that all the cards are on the table.
  • mlf70
    mlf70 Posts: 16
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    I think it's amazing the similarities between you and your sister and his two daughters. You just might be exactly what his daughters need, someone who understands their perspective because you've been through it. How amazing it would be if you stood by his side whether or not he sees you as number one for the sake of his relationship with his daughters. Remember, one day they will be grown and gone and you will be there by his side to help him through that change in his life. At that point, I can't even begin to imagine the love and appreciation he'll have for you because you stood by him. Never say never to being his number one because his daughters will one day find the men they will give their lives to. I truly hope all works out for all of you.
  • BeachGingerOnTheRocks
    BeachGingerOnTheRocks Posts: 3,927 Member
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    I'm surprised nobody who has posted before remembered or referenced your post from a couple of months back about this very subject. Back then, you hadn't developed a full-on relationship with this man, and you were wondering whether you should date him because of your jealousy and worry that he would put his daughter's first.

    I also recall that "A father who puts his kids first = good." That hasn't changed.

    Obviously you have decided to continue seeing this man, and the two of you have fallen in love. And you got your answer about where you fall in his life. You fall 3rd. Right behind the two people who SHOULD ALWAYS fall first.

    When you have children, you are making a lifetime commitment to them. It is a relationship that that they did not have a say in being a part of. He created these two girls. They are him in every way, whether by blood or adoption. Becoming a parent was his choice and he chose to make that lifetime commitment to two girls who rely on him for everything - because that is what they are supposed to do until they become adults and can make the decision to continue a relationship with their father.

    You've shown growth since your original post, which said that you needed full-time attention and adoration. You don't need full-time attention from this man. Hopefully in the two months since your post about this you've come to that conclusion and are willing to take third in his life.

    Keep in mind, his kids will grow up and move out. But they will forever be his daughters. If you and this man get married, there will come a time when you get him to yourself, but share now or you could destroy this family.
  • DamnImASexyBitch
    DamnImASexyBitch Posts: 740 Member
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    You sound insecure and looking for validation from this man. It shouldn't come from him. Your relationship with him is different from his relationship with his daughters. I have two daughters, and my husband ( not their biological father ). We are a family, and my family comes first. My kids don't come before my husband, and my husband doesn't come before my kids. We are a team together. I'm always baffled when people talk about their number in their family. I don't even understand that concept.
  • sunsnstatheart
    sunsnstatheart Posts: 2,544 Member
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    http://www.csmonitor.com/Commentary/Opinion/2008/0826/p09s01-coop.html

    http://blogs.wsj.com/juggle/2008/09/08/put-your-spouse-first-have-happier-kids/

    http://www.alexis-bellino.com/god-first-marriage-second-children-third-common-misconceptions/

    http://blackandmarriedwithkids.com/2012/02/who-comes-first-in-your-marriage/

    http://www.huffingtonpost.com/vicki-larson/kids-come-first-but-only-_b_825472.html

    http://glo.msn.com/relationships/husband-first-kids-second-1534735.story#!stackState=0__/relationships/husband-first-kids-second-1534735.story

    Cool.
    I still don't think a spouse should come before kids...EVER.

    The huffington post and the rest get enough wrong about everything else, why should their advice on relationships be any different?

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