Advice, please...dating a man with 2 daughters

JayHesker · January 2013

I find it funny that some people can't at least see where someone with this opinion is coming from. Kids can tear a marriage apart just because they can be so difficult and reckless before they leave your house and move on. If you don't have an absolutely iron-clad relationship and "I got your back" bond with your spouse, kids can end a good marriage. It happens with natural parents, and is an even easier bond to break between a natural parent and a step-parent.

Seriously, OP. Just move on. This is more trouble than it's worth. You are signing up for pain on this guy. Lots of pain. Not the good kind.

PottsvilleCurse1925 · January 2013

As a father to a little girl I can tell you there will be no female as remotely important to me as she is.

BrettPGH · January 2013

And this illustrates just why kids come first.

Some people view any relationship as temporary. If they don't like the way things are going in the moment they'll move on to someone else.

You can't do that with kids. They're your responsibility for life. So they come first.

TylerJ76 · January 2013

*fist bump*

Well said Brett.

BinaryPulsar · January 2013

I agree with this also.

odusgolp · January 2013

This is so completely stupid to me to even be "ranking" or comparing two completely different types of relationships. A relationship with a child is COMPLETELY different from your relationship with someone you bone. And completely different from a spiritual relationship. Why are they being ranked. Compared even. There are times a kid is going to come first... they're sick, so your husband fends for himself for dinner. There are times your husband will come first. You'll get a babysitter and disappear for a weekend so you can get your freak on and bond and stuff.

It's not easy, but if you and your significant other aren't on the same page on how to raise children, how to openly communicate when issues arise, how to foster a healthy marriage, how to value both relationships, you're screwed... and not in the good way.

ok, i'm ranting. apologies.

coe28 · January 2013

Ok, how about this.... Instead of saying your KIDS come first, or your SO comes first, or GOD comes first (if you're into that sort of thing), how about just saying FAMILY comes first???? No one member of the family has to be ranked higher than any other. The FAMILY as a whole is the highest priority. Even if it's a his, mine and ours kind of thing!

megalin9 · January 2013

Why is that so shocking? It doesn't mean that she loves her husband more and her kids less. It means that your FAMILY is your #1 priority, and for families where there are two parents and children, having a healthy, happy home and healthy, happy kids starts with mom and dad.

It means that mom and dad are always a team, always a united front, always on each other's side. It means that your children are never allowed to disrespect your spouse. It means that when there is a conflict, your spouse always has your back. As a partnership, you never make a decision without considering how it will affect your family.

With that said, it's important to pick a partner, especially if you already have children, who is going to love and respect your children and, with you, put your family above all else. I would hope that one would never, ever allow a significant other in their life, married or otherwise, who was not good to their children and didn't love them as their own (unfortunately, this happens). Obviously, that's where your children are put first and you pull the plug before it gets too serious. But if you've met someone who is good and decide you want to commit to them, absolutely, your children should be expected to respect that person as your spouse, as your main man, your sidekick, your best friend, your partner in crime - whatever you wanna call it.

Becoming_A_Butterfly · January 2013

I was surprised to get this far into the comments and not see this mentioned until now. It stood like like a red flag to me.

My long-term boyfriend has 4 children, 2 boys and 2 girls. I enjoy a close relationship with all 4 children as well as their father. Maybe this is because I didn't walk in putting the girls down or expecting nasty behavior from the girls simply because they are girls.

I think you should really examine your attitude about this before spending much more time with his girls.

megalin9 · January 2013

Ummmm. :noway: No. It's never the child's fault. Having kids is hard, yes, but they are never the reason two adults can't pull it together.

luvJOJO · January 2013

I actually agree with this as well. But I also agree that ranks don't need to be defined who has what place. My boyfriend has two daughters (13 and 7) and I have a son (9) and I think it has taken us a while to see that WE need to put each other first as far as communicating with each other on all things involving the kids. There have been times in the beginning that his oldest daughter disrespected me and I got upset because he didn't say anything and vice-versa....my son disrespected him. We make time for each other and each other's needs and the family flows along. We are a team and together......the kids are our first priority.

coe28 · January 2013

I disagree. I had a perfectly good relationship with a guy, but his daughter and I could not click. She became a wedge between us and it ultimately cost us the relationship. I can honestly say that were it not for his daughter we would not have broken up.

LuckyAng · January 2013

^AGREE

megalin9 · January 2013

I can relate to this. My step-daughter was a wedge in the beginning of my relationship with my husband, as well. I guess my opinion on this would be that it was your boyfriend's responsibility to put a stop to her behavior, to not allow it. This is where I feel like putting your significant other "first" (I seriously hate this ranking talk, but I don't know a better word) is required -- all of this with the assumption that you were good and loving to her and there was no reason other than jealousy on her part for creating conflict.

_Elemenopee_ · January 2013

+1

coe28 · January 2013

Yes, exactly. I tried everything to have a good relationship with that girl. But due to the fact that neither of her parents made her live by any sort of rules or routine and basically let her do whatever she want I just couldn't do it. I have a son, and there was no way I was going to let him be influenced by her behavior. In the end I just was not able to establish a healthy relationship with her and it wasn't fair to anyone.

_Elemenopee_ · January 2013

How does that saying go? Something like: Having a child is like letting your heart go walking around outside your body.

His daughters will (and should) ALWAYS come first. Not because you are not worthy of his love or are inferior to them. You and they are two completely different relationships. From what I've read jumping through the thread, you have a great appreciation and understanding of your relationship with him, them and all of you together. Well done. You are very realistic about the whole thing. THAT will help you tremendously.

Be his partner, be their friend and someday even their stepmother but do not EVER try to fight for the place in his heart that they hold. They are his children, they come first as his children. YOU come first as his partner.

Good luck and keep being there for/with him and them. They are teen/preteens and will test you. You know what it was like to be a teenage girl...none of it makes any sense! lol

abrewer563 · January 2013

My mom has always and will always put me and my sister before any man in her life. Luckily my step father would put us before anyone else in his life too. I personally would respect him 100% because of this. My father walked out on my sister and I at a young age and still to this day could careless about us. I would never want to be with someone who did that to their children because I know the hurt and I also know that only pathetic, heartless people do that to their children.

You clearly do not have children if you don't understand why his daughters would be his number one priority.

devan44 · January 2013

I couldn't agree with your post more!! I also have to questions why this man feels the need to let hew know that she is not number one to him. It's companring apples and oranges to me. Ones lover/husband/wife cannot be measured the same as ones children.

yo_andi · January 2013

I couldn't agree more!

Advice, please...dating a man with 2 daughters

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