Can getting in shape ruin a relationship?

MireyGal76
MireyGal76 Posts: 7,334 Member
in Chit-Chat
This is a spin off from http://www.myfitnesspal.com/topics/show/870304-can-letting-yourself-go-ruin-a-relationship

I am opening discussion here, because I think the converse can also be true... at least it had an impact on mine.
I was married to a very insecure man, who needed to feel "better" than me - he downplayed my intelligence, ensured he one upped me as much as he could, and even tracked my weight so that he could weigh less. I get that we did not have a solid relationship.

I started going to the gym early in our marriage, with my sister, and he was always on me about how long I was going for, that he missed me, he didn't want me going, and I ended up stopping. I put on some weight. We had kids. I got a tad insulated.

I started going to the gym again, and he started up on me again, but this time I was going on my lunch hour at work, so he couldn't complain about me stealing time from the family.

The thing is... the better shape I got in, the more controlling he got.

My question is this:
has getting in shape affected your relationship in a negative way? how did you / are you dealing with this?
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Replies

  • concordancia
    concordancia Posts: 5,320 Member
    Any change can ruin a relationship if the other partner does not want to change or if the partner changes in a different direction.
  • SoDamnHungry
    SoDamnHungry Posts: 6,998 Member
    Maybe your husband was afraid you'll leave him for a better mate, not that it was a competition? Sadly, it sounds like he drove you to do so.

    My ex always wanted me to work out with him, even though I was fairly thin. My losing weight made him happy, since he was a pretty thin guy and I doubt he wanted to be outweighed by his girlfriend. If I weighed a little more, though, he didn't care, since then my boobs were bigger.
  • DavPul
    DavPul Posts: 61,406 Member
    Any change can ruin a relationship if the other partner does not want to change or if the partner changes in a different direction.

    that's a pretty solid answer. what the hell are you doing in chit chat?
  • mleech77
    mleech77 Posts: 557 Member
    I'm still in the early stages of getting back into shape, but I'm working out 6 days a week. I can honestly say my wife has complained a little already just about how much time I'm spending working out. Add on top of that the events that I'm planning on participating in this year and she's not looking forward to how much time I'm dedicating to this. It doesn't help matters that on top of working 50+ hours at my main job, I also work for a car racing organization so at least one weekend a month from Feb - Nov I'm out of town.

    It has kind of inspired her to start working out more though. She is very competitive, so the thought of me getting better at swimming, and maybe being better than her has her going more often.
  • Micahroni84
    Micahroni84 Posts: 452 Member
    Getting in shape didn't ruin your relationship, your spouses poor attitude and insecurities ruined it.
  • FitBeto
    FitBeto Posts: 2,121 Member
    I said i would sleep with 6 women for every ab that popped.

    I now have a six pack and slept with only .5 women since i started

    Untitled-1.jpg
  • MireyGal76
    MireyGal76 Posts: 7,334 Member
    I said i would sleep with 6 women for every ab that popped.

    I now have a six pack and slept with only .5 women since i started

    Untitled-1.jpg

    congrats on the 6 pack... I feel sorry for the half woman...
  • JohnnyResets
    JohnnyResets Posts: 177 Member
    You know I think that is probably a "theme" in a lot of relationships. One partner is trying to improve themselves, but the other is not into it. The partner doing the growning/ improving is no longer "enabling" the other partner, and the success experienced is a threat to that partner.

    Same thing sort of happened to me with my ex wife and smoking. It didn't break us up, that was the drunken hating that did that lol, but for me trying to quit while she was still smoking a pack and a half a day was crippling to my effort. Finally succeeded after getting divorced...
  • milf_n_cookies
    milf_n_cookies Posts: 2,244 Member
    Yes, it can. I posted on the other thread, but basically my husband liked me fat, he doesn't like me thin and fit. The end.
  • holeshottdr
    holeshottdr Posts: 364 Member
    I suppose it could but my wife and I are just the opposite. We both thrive off of each other's accomplishments and encourage each other in our fitness goals. Not to mention the benefits that go along with being in shape:smile: .
  • saxmaniac
    saxmaniac Posts: 1,133 Member
    Self-improvement can strain a relationship. It will either make a good one better, or, send a bad one to a long-overdue grave.

    Good, functional relationships means that either person can grow and improve with your partner having your back. Best case, you do this both together.
  • TheRoadDog
    TheRoadDog Posts: 11,788 Member
    Getting in shape will not ruin a SOLID relationship. A shallow relationship can be ruined by anything.
  • FullOfWin
    FullOfWin Posts: 1,414 Member
    Getting in shape didn't ruin your relationship, your spouses poor attitude and insecurities ruined it.

    snap
  • MireyGal76
    MireyGal76 Posts: 7,334 Member
    Getting in shape didn't ruin your relationship, your spouses poor attitude and insecurities ruined it.

    snap

    oh that much I know... tis why I'm now working towards single status....
  • djames92
    djames92 Posts: 990 Member
    yes yes it can
  • sunsnstatheart
    sunsnstatheart Posts: 2,544 Member
    Getting in shape didn't ruin your relationship, your spouses poor attitude and insecurities ruined it.

    There are two sides to every story and I'm sure the relationship wasn't very strong to begin with. Sour grapes on the forums again. Funny how this is allowed but celebrations aren't.
  • Mhaney
    Mhaney Posts: 467 Member
    Getting my entire life into shape is part (by no means ALL) of the reason my marriage failed.
    I went back to college and was guilt tripped because I spent too much time on studies instead of him. I was also accused of using him for support while I finished school so I could leave when I'm done... (I say, WHY WAIT THAT LONG?)

    I joined my kids' TKD class, got some confidence, and told him to kick rocks. All he ever told me when I wanted to do something for myself was that I never start what I finish and never will... I finished the divorce pretty quickly.
  • EstiloPanama
    EstiloPanama Posts: 245
    Yes..

    My fiance was married to this woman for 17 years. She became chubby as time went on, and resentful about her wife. For all those years, even though their kids went to school, she stayed at home with the "SAHM" status. She supposedly ate bon bons and watched trash TV all day. She got up to 250. Three years before their divorce, she decided to 'lose weight', and got a gastric bypass procedure done. As soon as she lost the weight, she felt better than him. She felt so empowered, that she felt she could do better. She started to cheat on him and go on wild parties with new friends. They were both in their late thirties when this happened. I guess her losing weight motivated her to feel like she was superior somehow, and their relationship fell apart. I guess losing weight caused her to have this huge ego, and she went out of control. In a way it was good for her; she gained confidence, began college, started her life. But she really neglected the family and not only did the marriage suffer, but the relationships with their kids did as well. When I lose weight, I have to be careful that I don't get big headed or egotistical. I have to remember, and just naturally be, humble and remember where I started.
  • diodelcibo
    diodelcibo Posts: 2,564 Member
    Maybe-yes-no-definitily-possibly-conceivably-without-a-doubt.
  • kaligrl1
    kaligrl1 Posts: 54
    AMEN!!!!!
    Getting in shape didn't ruin your relationship, your spouses poor attitude and insecurities ruined it.
  • barrattandrew
    barrattandrew Posts: 148
    what she said.
  • BeachGingerOnTheRocks
    BeachGingerOnTheRocks Posts: 3,927 Member
    Yes..

    My fiance was married to this woman for 17 years. She became chubby as time went on, and resentful about her wife. For all those years, even though their kids went to school, she stayed at home with the "SAHM" status. She supposedly ate bon bons and watched trash TV all day. She got up to 250. Three years before their divorce, she decided to 'lose weight', and got a gastric bypass procedure done. As soon as she lost the weight, she felt better than him. She felt so empowered, that she felt she could do better. She started to cheat on him and go on wild parties with new friends. They were both in their late thirties when this happened. I guess her losing weight motivated her to feel like she was superior somehow, and their relationship fell apart. I guess losing weight caused her to have this huge ego, and she went out of control. In a way it was good for her; she gained confidence, began college, started her life. But she really neglected the family and not only did the marriage suffer, but the relationships with their kids did as well. When I lose weight, I have to be careful that I don't get big headed or egotistical. I have to remember, and just naturally be, humble and remember where I started.

    She went from overweight and self-absorbed to a healthy weight and self-absorbed. The only thing that changed about her was her weight. Feel badly for your friend though.
  • MeanSophieCat
    MeanSophieCat Posts: 200 Member
    A controlling and insecure person will always find something to be controlling and insecure about. You are a lovely lady -so that was probably a big insecurity for your ex. But even in a healthy relationship it can create strain. Many of these responses seem to blame the partner who is not getting shape but it can be a problem with the mindset of the person getting in shape too.

    Most of us on here are probably "the person getting in shape." It took me a long time to get off my butt and do something about my health. Sure I'd complained enough but the personal struggles had only been going on in my head - not with my husband. So I flipped the switch on a healthier life - but I had to give him time to catch up. He needed to do his complaining and soul searching too. I wanted to flip out when I saw hubby with the pint of Ben and Jerry's two days into my calorie restricted diet but I let it go. I stayed strong - did not eat that delicious ice cream - and know I can help him when it is his turn.

    Additionally, our nights on the couch watching TV and sharing bags of chips became my workout time. He was proud of me - but I could tell he still missed our time together. At first, I was too obsessed with working out and didn't save time for our relationship. We've found new ways of spending time together we both enjoy.

    We're not perfect but we've managed to keep our relationship healthy as we get our bodies there too.
  • peterson_jessica
    peterson_jessica Posts: 119 Member
    It definitely can. I think it was a factor in the ending of my 5-year relationship, but not just because of him. Part of it was his insecurities about me looking better and wanting to find a "hotter boyfriend", but part of it was also my new found confidence. I finally realized that we weren't meant to be together and I COULD find someone else. All in all, I think getting in shape can be a good test for a relationship. If the two of you can thrive off of each other, then your relationship will last, but if not, it's probably a good thing it's ending.
  • kooltray87
    kooltray87 Posts: 501 Member
    Me and My boyfriend's favorite pastime is eating lol which is part of the reason I got so big. Once I started counting calories and get really strict on my diet it seemed like it was harder for us to have fun as usual.....But now I lift heavy and I'm not afraid to eat closer to maintenance so I'm super sexy and we both have a blast ALL THE TIME :-)))

    Now back to the OP I think you getting in shape just uncovered your dysfunctional relationship. So seems like a win-win :-)
    PS don't take that crap from him!
  • Kismet_35
    Kismet_35 Posts: 28 Member
    Losing weight can't ruin a relationship. All change shines a light on things and sometimes it is a light that we don't want shined or didn't know could shine and it makes you re-evaluate things. If a husband leaves a wife because she got thin or vice versa that marriage had issues to begin with, it wasn't the weight, loss or gain, that did it in.
  • Sackit
    Sackit Posts: 45 Member
    Or maybe you will be so much happier and healthier that it strengthens your relationship with your spouse and children. We now particiapte in Mud Runs as a family :)
  • Will210
    Will210 Posts: 201 Member
    Insecurity seems to be the common denominator. And that alone can be the root cause of any relationship heading south.
  • DavPul
    DavPul Posts: 61,406 Member
    Getting in shape didn't ruin your relationship, your spouses poor attitude and insecurities ruined it.

    snap

    oh that much I know... tis why I'm now working towards single status....

    How does one work towards single status? Is there an app? M25SS?
  • reasnableblonde
    reasnableblonde Posts: 212 Member
    Any big lifestyle change is going to affect relationships. I started improving my fitness when I was first dating my now-husband. He had also just started really working out. When we got engaged, I upped my game and started lifting. I wanted to be a buff bride, but decided it was going to be a lifestyle for me, not just a wedding plan. He's been supportive all the way. Besides, the more fit I get, the more benefits he reaps. :wink:

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