Can getting in shape ruin a relationship?

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  • barrattandrew
    barrattandrew Posts: 148
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    what she said.
  • BeachGingerOnTheRocks
    BeachGingerOnTheRocks Posts: 3,927 Member
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    Yes..

    My fiance was married to this woman for 17 years. She became chubby as time went on, and resentful about her wife. For all those years, even though their kids went to school, she stayed at home with the "SAHM" status. She supposedly ate bon bons and watched trash TV all day. She got up to 250. Three years before their divorce, she decided to 'lose weight', and got a gastric bypass procedure done. As soon as she lost the weight, she felt better than him. She felt so empowered, that she felt she could do better. She started to cheat on him and go on wild parties with new friends. They were both in their late thirties when this happened. I guess her losing weight motivated her to feel like she was superior somehow, and their relationship fell apart. I guess losing weight caused her to have this huge ego, and she went out of control. In a way it was good for her; she gained confidence, began college, started her life. But she really neglected the family and not only did the marriage suffer, but the relationships with their kids did as well. When I lose weight, I have to be careful that I don't get big headed or egotistical. I have to remember, and just naturally be, humble and remember where I started.

    She went from overweight and self-absorbed to a healthy weight and self-absorbed. The only thing that changed about her was her weight. Feel badly for your friend though.
  • MeanSophieCat
    MeanSophieCat Posts: 200 Member
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    A controlling and insecure person will always find something to be controlling and insecure about. You are a lovely lady -so that was probably a big insecurity for your ex. But even in a healthy relationship it can create strain. Many of these responses seem to blame the partner who is not getting shape but it can be a problem with the mindset of the person getting in shape too.

    Most of us on here are probably "the person getting in shape." It took me a long time to get off my butt and do something about my health. Sure I'd complained enough but the personal struggles had only been going on in my head - not with my husband. So I flipped the switch on a healthier life - but I had to give him time to catch up. He needed to do his complaining and soul searching too. I wanted to flip out when I saw hubby with the pint of Ben and Jerry's two days into my calorie restricted diet but I let it go. I stayed strong - did not eat that delicious ice cream - and know I can help him when it is his turn.

    Additionally, our nights on the couch watching TV and sharing bags of chips became my workout time. He was proud of me - but I could tell he still missed our time together. At first, I was too obsessed with working out and didn't save time for our relationship. We've found new ways of spending time together we both enjoy.

    We're not perfect but we've managed to keep our relationship healthy as we get our bodies there too.
  • peterson_jessica
    peterson_jessica Posts: 119
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    It definitely can. I think it was a factor in the ending of my 5-year relationship, but not just because of him. Part of it was his insecurities about me looking better and wanting to find a "hotter boyfriend", but part of it was also my new found confidence. I finally realized that we weren't meant to be together and I COULD find someone else. All in all, I think getting in shape can be a good test for a relationship. If the two of you can thrive off of each other, then your relationship will last, but if not, it's probably a good thing it's ending.
  • kooltray87
    kooltray87 Posts: 501 Member
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    Me and My boyfriend's favorite pastime is eating lol which is part of the reason I got so big. Once I started counting calories and get really strict on my diet it seemed like it was harder for us to have fun as usual.....But now I lift heavy and I'm not afraid to eat closer to maintenance so I'm super sexy and we both have a blast ALL THE TIME :-)))

    Now back to the OP I think you getting in shape just uncovered your dysfunctional relationship. So seems like a win-win :-)
    PS don't take that crap from him!
  • Kismet_35
    Kismet_35 Posts: 28 Member
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    Losing weight can't ruin a relationship. All change shines a light on things and sometimes it is a light that we don't want shined or didn't know could shine and it makes you re-evaluate things. If a husband leaves a wife because she got thin or vice versa that marriage had issues to begin with, it wasn't the weight, loss or gain, that did it in.
  • Sackit
    Sackit Posts: 45 Member
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    Or maybe you will be so much happier and healthier that it strengthens your relationship with your spouse and children. We now particiapte in Mud Runs as a family :)
  • Will210
    Will210 Posts: 201 Member
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    Insecurity seems to be the common denominator. And that alone can be the root cause of any relationship heading south.
  • DavPul
    DavPul Posts: 61,406 Member
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    Getting in shape didn't ruin your relationship, your spouses poor attitude and insecurities ruined it.

    snap

    oh that much I know... tis why I'm now working towards single status....

    How does one work towards single status? Is there an app? M25SS?
  • reasnableblonde
    reasnableblonde Posts: 212 Member
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    Any big lifestyle change is going to affect relationships. I started improving my fitness when I was first dating my now-husband. He had also just started really working out. When we got engaged, I upped my game and started lifting. I wanted to be a buff bride, but decided it was going to be a lifestyle for me, not just a wedding plan. He's been supportive all the way. Besides, the more fit I get, the more benefits he reaps. :wink:
  • edge_dragoncaller
    edge_dragoncaller Posts: 826 Member
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    I said i would sleep with 6 women for every ab that popped.

    I now have a six pack and slept with only .5 women since i started

    Untitled-1.jpg

    I have to ask....

    Which half was it?
  • MireyGal76
    MireyGal76 Posts: 7,334 Member
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    Getting in shape didn't ruin your relationship, your spouses poor attitude and insecurities ruined it.

    snap

    oh that much I know... tis why I'm now working towards single status....

    How does one work towards single status? Is there an app? M25SS?

    haha... technically I am still married... we are separated... I am therefore not single. Once the divorce goes through, which has already taken hours and hours of mediation (a lot of work), I will be single.

    Therefore... I'm working towards single status. :)
  • LMT2012
    LMT2012 Posts: 697 Member
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    Well in an insecure relationship, any change in dynamic will rock the boat. But even in a secure one, the changes not related to your appearance can be difficult. For example, if have more energy, make friends related to fitness, or develop hobbies (hiking, for example) that you didn't have before it causes a strain.
    There was an article (in the NY Times i believe) about this recently. Couples who have disparate fitness levels are the new "you drink, but I don't" type problem. It can be a matter of outlook and approach to life. If it changes dramatically, growing pains result that a couple cannot resolve.
    Jealous jerks are a whole other story. Never underplay your fabulousness for those around you that need that. It's a bottomless pit.
  • edge_dragoncaller
    edge_dragoncaller Posts: 826 Member
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    Getting in shape didn't ruin your relationship, your spouses poor attitude and insecurities ruined it.

    snap

    oh that much I know... tis why I'm now working towards single status....

    How does one work towards single status? Is there an app? M25SS?

    haha... technically I am still married... we are separated... I am therefore not single. Once the divorce goes through, which has already taken hours and hours of mediation (a lot of work), I will be single.

    Therefore... I'm working towards single status. :)

    Hah, just perved your profile there MireyGal76. It was just insecurities. Looked at your pics, I think your Abs probably made him feel emasculated and no man can handle feeling emasculated.

    FYI, yer damn hot.
  • aliciagetshealthy
    aliciagetshealthy Posts: 946 Member
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    Yes it did. And I say "did" because that relationship is over. And truly, it had more to do with me relocating my backbone than my actual change of shape. Turns out, he was never going to be satisfied with my appearance, and I was blind not to have seen this from the very beginning...hair, clothes, makeup...I could do no right...unless I was fixing something, or baking something, or cleaning something. Turns out, he wasn't wanting a partner but a maid/secretary and someone to endlessly listen to his stories and nod and laugh at the appropriate points...actual opinions or intelligence were not cared for (unless he needed something typed or proofread, or his taxes done; or things picked up from the store; or bills paid etc. etc. ad naseum).

    The day I realized I was constantly depressed, overweight, had misplaced my spine, and was simply a bystander in my own life - and set about to change that - was the beginning of the end.

    And btw, I'm really not bitter (although that first paragraph may have sounded like it); I learned an awful lot about myself. It was a lesson worth learning.
  • Debbe2
    Debbe2 Posts: 2,071 Member
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    Could have but didn't. Thankfully! But... We are still discovering ways to relax and spend our time together without food and restaurants being the main and central focus.

    Btw, I agree with this quote below
    Any change can ruin a relationship if the other partner does not want to change or if the partner changes in a different direction.
  • MireyGal76
    MireyGal76 Posts: 7,334 Member
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    Getting in shape didn't ruin your relationship, your spouses poor attitude and insecurities ruined it.

    snap

    oh that much I know... tis why I'm now working towards single status....

    How does one work towards single status? Is there an app? M25SS?

    haha... technically I am still married... we are separated... I am therefore not single. Once the divorce goes through, which has already taken hours and hours of mediation (a lot of work), I will be single.

    Therefore... I'm working towards single status. :)

    Hah, just perved your profile there MireyGal76. It was just insecurities. Looked at your pics, I think your Abs probably made him feel emasculated and no man can handle feeling emasculated.

    FYI, yer damn hot.

    thank you :flowerforyou:

    for the record, the six pack came AFTER we split... I just leaned out and started toning at that point.

    But now... being a 6'1" boxing chick with a six pack... I've really narrowed my playing field. lol
    sadly it takes a very special, and secure, man to want to hang with me. :-P
  • atamrowski
    atamrowski Posts: 417 Member
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    I'm working on a lifestyle change because of ME; of course my husband exploding a couple weeks ago in a fight stating I let myself go since our daughter was born had nothing to do with it. :/. He pointed out that I never finish what I say I am going to do, diet and exercise is one of them.

    Sadly he is right. I was too busy worrying about and taking care of everyone else to worry about me. I am no good to anyone in my life if I cannot take care of myself.

    Something I needed to hear unfortunately not at the sake of my marriage.

    This didn't answer your question, OP, but I can contest how NOT getting a shape can ruin a relationship...
  • Stacyplus5
    Stacyplus5 Posts: 493
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    yes it can my husband was convinced I was doing this for someone other than myself. He still struggles with me being on this site, so when hes around I have to stay away. lol Ive had 5 kids Im doing this for me and my family. I want to be healthy. Since Im a stay at home mom and I never leave the house without some kids in tow he knows Im not doing anything but apparently he still worries.
  • BinaryPulsar
    BinaryPulsar Posts: 8,927 Member
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    I'm sorry you went through that. What you are describing is a relationship that was already unhealthy from the start.

    When my husband met me I was already a dancer, so fitness has always been a big part of my life. He was also very fit and active. He played on the soccer team at our college, biked, hiked up mountains and ran down, danced with me, did calisthenics and Tai Chi, went on outdoor adventures. He went on a biology expedition and kayaked for 6 days straight (camping out on tiny docks) through parts of the everglades where biologists had not been before (shark and/or crocodile invested in some parts), and he discovered some new species of bugs. He is a physicist, but was accompanying a biologist friend (I was traveling in India at the time). And he also builds things. So, we do some things together but also do things separately. We are both fit, but go about it in different ways. He loves and supports my happiness and fitness and he compliments my fitness all the time. He supports me in the ways that he knows is helpful to me. Fitness is not just for my physical health, but my mental and emotional health as well.

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