Wife gets depressed when I lose weight. What to do?
tmuster
Posts: 72
I have been on both Medifast and Weight Watchers with my wife and each time I start to lose weight and she doesn't lose, then she gets depressed. I decided to get us both on weight watchers after the holidays and she seemed really excited about the program. I had been doing pretty well on my own but I wanted to get her on the program because I thought the meetings would help us out. And it happened again.. Last night at the weigh in I hit my 5% and got a Bravo from the group and my wife gained .4 over the last week but has lost 6 lbs overall in 3 weeks. Once again she told my she was depressed that she has not lost as much as she thought and smugly told me "great job".. Just wondering if anyone else has run into this same scenario and if so what suggestions they may have. I am always telling her how good she is doing and to keep up the good work. I am always offering to play tennis with her, run, walk.. whatever it takes to get her moving.. She lacks motivation when it comes to working out.
THanks for any advice or share thoughts if you have had this same situation.
THanks for any advice or share thoughts if you have had this same situation.
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Replies
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That's tough. Unfortunately, we compare ourselves to others and fall short to see what a positive impact we're having on our own health. We need to be in competition only with ourselves - easier said than done.
Additionally, women lose slower and our bodies go through cycles that men's do not.
I have no words of wisdom - unfortunately. Congrats to you both for the successes you're obtaining!0 -
Women unfortunately have a much smaller margin of error when it comes to losing weight than men do.
Its not the same and not fair to either one of you to be comparing. It's pretty much apples to oranges.
Just reassure her that the weight will come off. She just needs to stay on track. Its a marathon not a sprint. You could also have her measure herself she may see a difference there rather than the scale. Scales can be misleading.0 -
Women unfortunately have a much smaller margin of error when it comes to losing weight than men do.
Its not the same and not fair to either one of you to be comparing. It's pretty much apples to oranges.
Just reassure her that the weight will come off. She just needs to stay on track. Its a marathon not a sprint. You could also have her measure herself she may see a difference there rather than the scale. Scales can be misleading.
^ this0 -
Divorce.0
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Is she on Mfp? It might help if she got some insight from women on here.0
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She needs to be recognizing her own successes, she's done really well in 3 weeks. She can't compare her losses to yours it's not an even playing field. It sucks but there's no way I could keep up with my husbands losses, it doesn't work that way.0
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It may be a good idea for you two to go to a personal trainer or even a dietician together. The reason I say this is because women and men lose weight differently. Sometimes it's really easy to forget that as a girl. It's frustrating and yes, depressing. If you tell her or remind her of this, it's not going to mean much. She will just feel like you're trying to make her feel better. If you go to a professional though, and have them explain the differences she will be more likely to believe it, and will hopefully feel better knowing the differences. When it comes to weight, men and women are two completely different animals. She needs to learn and accept that she cannot compare herself to you.
Hope this helps.
(I am dealing with this a little myself. My workout partner is a guy and I have to remind myself of the differences in men and women to not get discouraged.)0 -
Divorce.
lol, ok that made me laugh, but just because it was ridiculous.
Seriously though from me to another husband...I know how that feels. My fiance loses 5lbs a week and I lose 1 or none at all, however, when I hear him say "a pound is a pound no matter how you look at it" it makes me feel a little better.
No matter how obviously petty it might feel, it really makes me feel better. Just DON'T stop whatever you do!0 -
I have been on both Medifast and Weight Watchers with my wife and each time I start to lose weight and she doesn't lose, then she gets depressed. I decided to get us both on weight watchers after the holidays and she seemed really excited about the program. I had been doing pretty well on my own but I wanted to get her on the program because I thought the meetings would help us out. And it happened again.. Last night at the weigh in I hit my 5% and got a Bravo from the group and my wife gained .4 over the last week but has lost 6 lbs overall in 3 weeks. Once again she told my she was depressed that she has not lost as much as she thought and smugly told me "great job".. Just wondering if anyone else has run into this same scenario and if so what suggestions they may have. I am always telling her how good she is doing and to keep up the good work. I am always offering to play tennis with her, run, walk.. whatever it takes to get her moving.. She lacks motivation when it comes to working out.
THanks for any advice or share thoughts if you have had this same situation.
Being a wife in this same situation...he's lost more-more rapidly. Our metabolism is sooooo much slower than yours and it does suck. Continue to support her. Cook her good food and be there for her. Do workout videos together. DO things together...running, classes, etc. Having my husbands support keeps me going.0 -
^ this. I get a little sad when I realize my bf over the last year has gained weight but looks incredible and I look the same even though I work out and watch what I eat way more than him. It's unfair to compare but every now and then I get sad and think he's going to leave me for someone at the gym that's as lean as him.
What helps is coming on here every day and getting my own little cheering squad. Even though he's INCREDIBLY supportive and calls me hot all the time, it helps to hear it from other people.
The best thing you can do is be supportive (which it seems you already are). Tell her she's beautiful, tell her 6 lbs in 3 weeks is AWESOME (I'm jealous), and that she's awesome for even trying.0 -
Smugly: it does not mean what you think it means.
That said, it sounds like you might be letting your sensitivity to her affect your own weight and health. Hopefully, you do this for you and she eventually comes around to having some fight.0 -
tell her to get over it0
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My husband always loses faster than me. I've lost 6 lbs this month by counting and logging calories religiously, and getting up at 5 am every morning and doing a workout. He has lost 8 lbs simply by eating what I cook.
Maybe your wife needs to find a girlfriend to work out with?0 -
I can speak about my journey. My boyfriend lost 60 lbs through exercise and following a low carb diet. During this time, I was eating too much and not exercising. I gained 20 lbs and was so weak, that I asked him to lift just about everything for me. He came to the gym with me once - and showed me how to use the equiptment and helped me write out an exercise plan. I went back to the gym once, and 2 months later cancelled my membership.
Until I made the decision to change. I couldn't lose weight.
I found a support system through MFP and started logging and walking and gradually increased other exercise and lost 23 lbs.
My point is - you can't force someone to change. When she is sick and tired of being sick and tired, hopefully she'll change
I hope you can stick to your plan and perhaps by showing her how good you feel. She'll make changes
Also, if she is depressed,., it might be good for her to see a therapist
Good luck!0 -
When my fiance & I started, we were in this together. It's been 6 mo. and he's reached his gw, but of course I haven't. The best thing that kept my spirits was finding a fellow female that was willing to do this with me.0
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You sound just like my hubby and I as well as my best friend and her husband. She and I are always complaining about our DH's and how they lose weight and we seem to hold on to ours or involunarily take on theirs. Since you are doing WW along with MFP, you have two support groups. The counselors at WW are very familiar with the problem of the male v. female weight loss effort and might be able to provide more insight when they look at her tracker. You guys are LUCKY - you do drop it faster - its just a fact of life. Reward her success, being down .4 may not seem like that much, but it is more than nothing. Keep encouraging her. Love her.0
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Tell her to suck it up and get over it.
Do not let her hold you back. Women and men lose weight at different paces.. hell women and other women lose weight at different paces if she keeps going she will lose - it might just take longer.0 -
Hmmm, I was frustrated too when I was doing the same things as my hubby to lose weight and he was successful and I wasn't. It took me hiring a personal trainer for ME, that is when I started to notice changes. Unfortunatly if she is not motivated your efforts are invane as she will gain it all back after anyways because she is not dedicated to the lifestyle changes.0
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Have her join MFP and slip us her screen name. We can add her and share some of our support and experience. Or just tell her to go on and put out a message board like this saying she's looking for new friends.
Men lose weight differently than women. My ex would start "dieting" and 8 days later he'd lost 20 pounds. WTH???
She is not losing weight because she is not doing what she should be, if I had to be a betting woman. Weight Watchers gave her the "how to" of weight loss, but it would appear she still lacks the "want to".
Once she's logging food on MFP and has friends for accountability (it's amazing what I won't eat if I know my open diary is going to be viewed and everyone will know my dirty little secret) she will lose weight if she sticks with Weight Watchers. The key is, how are the points being expended? On low fat junk food, or on lean protein and fresh fruits and vegetables? I lost 30 pounds in 2004/2005 on Weight Watchers, however, I just ate my alotted points in lower fat alternatives to the same crap I was eating before. I had learned nothing about nutrition.
I've said it before on these message boards and I'll say it again. You crave what you eat. Eating garbage begats a craving for more garbage.0 -
It is an unfortunate fact that men (particularly those of us who are a bit taller) lose weight easier than women do. Perhaps she can find a female friend or two that can help and encourage her in this. Also, it is a fact that those who institute weight training will lose weight slower than those who do not... BUT they will lose INCHES a lot faster. Comparison is a difficult thing. Seems like you are doing the right things... You are including her and encouraging her... Just be there for her... Help her by ensuring she has the tools available to her to be successful... treadmill, weights.. whatever it takes ... Whatever you do though, keep working toward your own success as well....0
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My husband always loses more than I do, and more rapidly, too! I am happy for him. At the same time, it's annoying. lol
I understand that we ladies have a tougher go of it, but when all is said and done, it's not JUST what the scale says, but the health benefits, how you feel in your clothes, and all the other NSVs that count!
Get your wife on MFP and tell her to add me.
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Get your wife on MFP and tell her to add me.
^^^this0 -
In the past, my husband has been able to drop weight more quickly and easily than I. I think a reinforcement - from you - of how well she's doing (because she is) would help. A dozen roses? A (nonfood) date night? Breakfast in bed? Just something from you that says "I love you". Feeling better always makes me do better.0
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It would be wonderful to always be happy about our loved ones accomplishments, but sometimes jealousy sets in. I think you need to tell her that her attitude is destructive to both of you. Find things to do together so she pushes herself harder and finds some real pride in what she's able to do! Feeling sorry for herself and taking it out on you really doesn't solve anything.0
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I have been on both Medifast and Weight Watchers with my wife and each time I start to lose weight and she doesn't lose, then she gets depressed. I decided to get us both on weight watchers after the holidays and she seemed really excited about the program. I had been doing pretty well on my own but I wanted to get her on the program because I thought the meetings would help us out. And it happened again.. Last night at the weigh in I hit my 5% and got a Bravo from the group and my wife gained .4 over the last week but has lost 6 lbs overall in 3 weeks. Once again she told my she was depressed that she has not lost as much as she thought and smugly told me "great job".. Just wondering if anyone else has run into this same scenario and if so what suggestions they may have. I am always telling her how good she is doing and to keep up the good work. I am always offering to play tennis with her, run, walk.. whatever it takes to get her moving.. She lacks motivation when it comes to working out.
THanks for any advice or share thoughts if you have had this same situation.
Having been the "wife" I have to say the best thing you can do is ignore anything you think is "smugly" and support her while continuing your efforts.
Women always lose less then men, and yes it's discouraging.
You are both doing great, period.
Her 6lb loss in 3 weeks is more than she should be expecting and she should not compare it to yours, but she will, because that's human nature.
Try to understand that she will feel upset/bitter about this and really, IGNORE, anything she says that you might find smug, condescending, or even injurious.
It IS easier for you. Be the "bigger" person and take her side even if you think she is acting badly (she is, but she can't help it). Do anything you can to make sure she gets some of the glory, even if you have to play down your achievements to play up hers, and take your friends aside and tell them to praise her even if you show thw weightloss more.
what you ultimately want is for you BOTH to be happy and healthy. And right now she needs the encouragement more than you do.0 -
While this won't help her lose more weight, women are more receptive to having hurt someone's feelings. Tell her all about how women lose slower than men, but also tell her that she not being happy for you makes you feel bad. You're trying too, and you're not getting the support you need from her. Tell her she'll eventually lose the weight and be right where she wants to be, and you'll be right there along with her, encouraging her, but she needs to be there for you too, with the same encouragement.0
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I loath WW. It does nothing for anyone's self esteem. Who wants to weight themselves in front of people and then have all of those people to compare yourself to when they do better. I suggest NOT GOING ANYMORE!
Also, losing 6 pounds in three weeks is a huge deal, great accomplishment! and all this sad face, you're doing better than me is bull crap. And I really don't say mean stuff like this, but someone is going to have to either put up or shut up. Weight loss is easier for a man, end of story. Period. Weight Watchers sucks. Period.0 -
if she doesnt and wont get off her *kitten*, then she really shouldnt take it out on you, or anyone else, when she loses. I dont take it out on my boyfriend,0
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I also agree with the many posters who said get her on MFP.
she needs female friends her own general height/weight to support her and provide more realistic "comparisions"0 -
It may be a good idea for you two to go to a personal trainer or even a dietician together. The reason I say this is because women and men lose weight differently. Sometimes it's really easy to forget that as a girl. It's frustrating and yes, depressing. If you tell her or remind her of this, it's not going to mean much. She will just feel like you're trying to make her feel better. If you go to a professional though, and have them explain the differences she will be more likely to believe it, and will hopefully feel better knowing the differences. When it comes to weight, men and women are two completely different animals. She needs to learn and accept that she cannot compare herself to you.
Hope this helps.
this ^^0
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