Wife gets depressed when I lose weight. What to do?

lorenzoinlr

Depression typically results from there being a difference between what one believes and what is. So many meds are prescribed when what really is needed is work on finding the distortions held and working on embracing and accepting reality.

From what you've said perhaps her expectations aren't grounded in reality and thus are producing disappointment. There are some excellent suggestions in this thread as to accepting the reality of weight loss, differences men vs. women, education and tracking such as jjoining MFP. MFP is really useful in helping us establish realistic goals and understanding cause and effect.

Don't admonish or lecture her, she feels badly enough. Instead, show her there are ways to make things easier and feel better in the future if she so chooses.

Maddalen101

Go to different meetings. She needs her own support network that's separate from you.
Won't hurt your marriage - just will mean she will get the support SHE needs in this process.

What's important to remember, esp. in a marriage, is that each spouse's weight gain/loss journey is his/her own.
In Overeaters Anonymous, spouses are generally advised to go to separate meetings and have separate sponsor-sponsee relationships. This permits each spouse to keep the focus where it belongs.
That, I know, is REALLY hard - but it will ultimately benefit both of you, and will not compromise your marriage.

Hope this helps.

Jaulen

Maybe you two need to go to separate meetings. Then do not tell her what you have lost so that she is not comparing herself. It is admirable you are doing it together but she needs to realize that men lose weight faster. She needs to create her own support group of women who will understand the frustrations of losing it oh so slowly while you lose it faster. Maybe she can do her weigh in not with the group.

THIS x 1000%

best response to this thread so far.

RunDoozer

tell her to get over it

^^^What he should be able to do.

In reality never gonna work.

1newcat

I am not trying to be an *kitten*, but I mean- it's pretty common knowledge men and women's bodies are different. Hell, even when y'all aren't working out- you're just leaner over most of your body. It just IS. So to me, it sounds like an excuse for her to be cranky at you about how she feels- because she likely really DOESN'T want to do this for whatever reason. But she has agreed to it- so now when you make progress, whether it's the natural way of things, whether it's because YOU'RE more dedicated and motivated... whatever it is, it's just not acceptable to use someone else as your excuse for your lack (or perceived lack) of progress. I have been trying to encourage my fiance to come to the gym with me (I figure since I am the one that cooks- he is subjected to most of the healthy meals), might as well take advantage of it. He is intimidated by the gym (as am I), so hell- I hope he passes me and gains his own confidence. But that is because I am ok with how I am going about this, I am good with my choices, I am motivated to make changes and I am seeing the results I want to see. Even if I didn't, really- I am going to use him as an excuse to be cranky and take away his success?? No Sir. Sounds like she might need her own network where sure she can vent, but she'll get that equally important kick in the *kitten* that says, this isn't about your husband, get it together!

Sooner or later, one half of the couple resents the other if both aren't committed to their own change. Sad but true

Good luck and keep fighting the good fight!

MinnieInMaine

You people realize that this is all about biology right? Even two women of the same height and weight will lose at different rates and will lose fat in different parts of their bodies first. Comparing yourself to other people is so destructive to this process!

OP, since you're going to Weight Watchers, could you suggest to the leader on the sly that he/she discuss the differences between men and women losing weight at some point in the near future?

This site is ad heavy but breaks it down nicely...
http://www.shape.com/latest-news-trends/why-men-lose-weight-faster

Because of more muscle mass (just because they're guys), men burn up to 20% more calories than women do per day even at the same height and weight and activity level. They will also burn more calories doing the same exercise. Men also tend to have a lesser reaction to water weight than we do. And of course they don't have to deal with the monthly bloat. All of these, and likely several other factors, all contribute to the reason why men lose weight faster than women. It's just a fact of life...deal with it and stop getting mad for stupid reasons. Use your time and energy to do something more productive instead.

Frankenbarbie01

Tell her how much you admire her for not quitting, because you understand that women's bodies can have this horrible hormonal slurry that can really impact what we see as success (read: Weight loss) on the scale. If she just hangs in there....FOR YOU...she will see success too, very soon, just dont quit
A great number of women tend to not focus on doing things for themselves as mothers are taught to take care of the family first, then themselves. If she realises this is a group effort she might feel better about her choices=better about herself=not so down on the scale, BUT up on tthe healthier choices she is making for a longer life with you!
Personally I would get super frustrated trying to lose weight when the husband changed from drinking beer to vodka and lost 11 lbs in 2 weeks :explode: It wasnt unitl I learned about insulin resistance and how it affects weightloss that I started focusing on health rather than weight...then things started to change. Hang in there and dont give up on her

ReclaimingSarah

I feel ya. My husband has these HUGE drops & I'm chugging away at my -1/week. He's never hit a plateau and I seem to hit one every 10 lbs lost or so. This is something that she's going to have to deal with herself. Maybe stop offering to help, as she probably just sees it as you judging her for not being active enough. Just cheer her on and support her. Telling her that she's sexy as often as possible will help, too. :happy:

4_Lisa

Depression typically results from there being a difference between what one believes and what is. So many meds are prescribed when what really is needed is work on finding the distortions held and working on embracing and accepting reality.

No generally that is feeling sorry for yourself. Depression is generally a chemical imbalance in the brain that can be brought on by stressors, or traumatic events. It is not a matter of accepting reality! And your view on the cure for depression is just as skewed!

Lifting_Knitter

Is she on Mfp? It might help if she got some insight from women on here.

get her on here for more support!

wormy80

I don't really have advice per say but I just want to applaud you for caring about your wifes feeling and trying to figure out what to do about it. As well as wanting to make this weight loss journey with her! I think it's wonderful that you are her chearleader and maybe she will come around when she realizes she has to want this for HERSELF first!

lorenzoinlr

Depression typically results from there being a difference between what one believes and what is. So many meds are prescribed when what really is needed is work on finding the distortions held and working on embracing and accepting reality.

No generally that is feeling sorry for yourself. Depression is generally a chemical imbalance in the brain that can be brought on by stressors, or traumatic events. It is not a matter of accepting reality! And your view on the cure for depression is just as skewed!

The pharmaceutical industry loves this point of view as they're responsible for fostering it. Sure, all human processes are chemical based, how obvious. True severe depression may be helped by chemical adjustment but most forms would benefit from adjustments in awareness and from psychological work.

It's quck fix that will not provide a permanent solution vs. addressing underlying cause. Plenty of excellent writings on this if interested.

mcginger1

I have been on both Medifast and Weight Watchers with my wife and each time I start to lose weight and she doesn't lose, then she gets depressed. I decided to get us both on weight watchers after the holidays and she seemed really excited about the program. I had been doing pretty well on my own but I wanted to get her on the program because I thought the meetings would help us out. And it happened again.. Last night at the weigh in I hit my 5% and got a Bravo from the group and my wife gained .4 over the last week but has lost 6 lbs overall in 3 weeks. Once again she told my she was depressed that she has not lost as much as she thought and smugly told me "great job".. Just wondering if anyone else has run into this same scenario and if so what suggestions they may have. I am always telling her how good she is doing and to keep up the good work. I am always offering to play tennis with her, run, walk.. whatever it takes to get her moving.. She lacks motivation when it comes to working out.
THanks for any advice or share thoughts if you have had this same situation.

Having been the "wife" I have to say the best thing you can do is ignore anything you think is "smugly" and support her while continuing your efforts.
Women always lose less then men, and yes it's discouraging.
You are both doing great, period.
Her 6lb loss in 3 weeks is more than she should be expecting and she should not compare it to yours, but she will, because that's human nature.
Try to understand that she will feel upset/bitter about this and really, IGNORE, anything she says that you might find smug, condescending, or even injurious.
It IS easier for you. Be the "bigger" person and take her side even if you think she is acting badly (she is, but she can't help it). Do anything you can to make sure she gets some of the glory, even if you have to play down your achievements to play up hers, and take your friends aside and tell them to praise her even if you show thw weightloss more.

what you ultimately want is for you BOTH to be happy and healthy. And right now she needs the encouragement more than you do.

It's not fair, and it's kinda illogical... but this.^^^
I'm in her shoes right now. It really sucks being a chick sometimes...

mcdebbie

While this won't help her lose more weight, women are more receptive to having hurt someone's feelings. Tell her all about how women lose slower than men, but also tell her that she not being happy for you makes you feel bad. You're trying too, and you're not getting the support you need from her. Tell her she'll eventually lose the weight and be right where she wants to be, and you'll be right there along with her, encouraging her, but she needs to be there for you too, with the same encouragement.

Oh this!! My husband and I can get competitive in some situations and I might get snarky if I'm "losing". Sometimes he calls me on it and I feel bad for hurting his feelings. I know how frustrated she must feel but you need to let her know you need her support.

I also agree with the others to go to different meetings. She needs to compare her weight loss journey with other women, not with you. It's great if you two want to menu plan together and do some activities together but training and weighing together may not be best for your marriage.

Good luck! and now I need to go beat husband in Slotomania. :bigsmile:

WTF7

There is probably deeper issues going on here if she gets "depressed" over this....

vim_n_vigor

I have been on both Medifast and Weight Watchers with my wife and each time I start to lose weight and she doesn't lose, then she gets depressed. I decided to get us both on weight watchers after the holidays and she seemed really excited about the program. I had been doing pretty well on my own but I wanted to get her on the program because I thought the meetings would help us out. And it happened again.. Last night at the weigh in I hit my 5% and got a Bravo from the group and my wife gained .4 over the last week but has lost 6 lbs overall in 3 weeks. Once again she told my she was depressed that she has not lost as much as she thought and smugly told me "great job".. Just wondering if anyone else has run into this same scenario and if so what suggestions they may have. I am always telling her how good she is doing and to keep up the good work. I am always offering to play tennis with her, run, walk.. whatever it takes to get her moving.. She lacks motivation when it comes to working out.
THanks for any advice or share thoughts if you have had this same situation.

3 weeks you say and that was the fourth week? Methinks she may be retaining some water for feminine reasons. A .4 gain is hardly the end of the world. That could just be her wearing something slightly heavier than the last weigh in.

tracygolden

I don't know what to tell u but I experienced this two years ago with my man. We were doing the same thing and he was dropping fast...really fast. Talked to the doctor about it and he tried to explain the difference in our weight lose medically . Bottom line, men loose easier and faster then women. I didn't understand the stuff he was telling me but I got that out of it. This year, Im loosing faster then my man but its because I have diabetes and that is such a strong motivator. Say a prayer and be supportive and if she isn't on MFP already, ecourage her. This place is a major help to me.

Kendra7107

If she has lost 6 pounds in three weeks she is doing well. That is an average of 2 pounds a week which is exactly the right pace. I think men always tend to lose faster than women.

I agree with others than she needs to compare her results with other women. Everyone loses at a different pace. I actually lose the first 35 pounds quickly but then I slow down so everyone has different experiences.

I would also try being honest with her about how it makes you feel when she doesn't support you. I wouldn't argue, just tell her how you feel and give her time to think about her behavior/remarks so she can process. She may come around.

Good luck! There are no perfect answers here...sorry.

SummerLovesPhil

You two might consider doing weight loss separately, at least for a while. If you both do Weight Watchers, don't go to the same meetings. This will allow each of you to have your own journey your own way and discourage comparisons.

Jemmuno

This is the same with bf and I. Things I find that make me feel good about myself is when he grabs my love handles and says, "hey there starting to feel smaller," or when he grabs my butt and says, "Your butt is getting firm." These things make me feel good abouy my body and it makes me feel good that he's noticing all my hard work. As for the weight thing I just don't compare myself because I just can't compete, however it's nice to here compliments from him about how my body is chaning in a good way!