Wife gets depressed when I lose weight. What to do?
Replies
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Depression typically results from there being a difference between what one believes and what is. So many meds are prescribed when what really is needed is work on finding the distortions held and working on embracing and accepting reality.
No generally that is feeling sorry for yourself. Depression is generally a chemical imbalance in the brain that can be brought on by stressors, or traumatic events. It is not a matter of accepting reality! And your view on the cure for depression is just as skewed!
The pharmaceutical industry loves this point of view as they're responsible for fostering it. Sure, all human processes are chemical based, how obvious. True severe depression may be helped by chemical adjustment but most forms would benefit from adjustments in awareness and from psychological work.
It's quck fix that will not provide a permanent solution vs. addressing underlying cause. Plenty of excellent writings on this if interested.
I am VERY well versed in depression as I have suffered from severe depression for most of my adult life. It is true that there are psychological interventions that help, however the indication that all you have to do is accept reality is bs. My reality is a fantastic life with no merit for being depressed, sometimes the medications prescribed level out the imbalances and allow the body the time it requires to rebalance. I agree that long term use is not a good idea, but it can not always be treated with counselling. or adjustments in awareness. That's like saying someone with an infection doesn't need antibotics, anti depressants are a boost to what is lacking in the body'0 -
When a few years ago my hubby and I started to eat better and lower our calorie intake I remember he lost 20 lbs in the first month while I lost 12 lbs. I was like this sucks and believe me I didn't cheat once, but I knew that a man's muscle mass causes them to burn calories at a greater rate than us. But the sweetest thing was that he would tell me that I was just perfect for him with with plenty to fill his hands. That pretty much kept me happy. =D0
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I am VERY well versed in depression as I have suffered from severe depression for most of my adult life. It is true that there are psychological interventions that help, however the indication that all you have to do is accept reality is bs. My reality is a fantastic life with no merit for being depressed, sometimes the medications prescribed level out the imbalances and allow the body the time it requires to rebalance. I agree that long term use is not a good idea, but it can not always be treated with counselling. or adjustments in awareness. That's like saying someone with an infection doesn't need antibotics, anti depressants are a boost to what is lacking in the body'
I agree with you on the point that there are some people that nothing but medication or some other severe drastic measure will help like ECT. I am one of those people that suffer from being severely bipolar and no amount of intervention or talk therapy will bring me out of the state that I am in(Which isn't usually for a few weeks). It is either medication, or wait till my body finally self regulates itself. Multiple hospitalizations are fun times. I also don't have a horrible past, I do have some issues but who doesn't. Nothing that I feel should cause my body to react this way. However, in regards to the majority of the population I do believe that people are under treated and over prescribed. Too many people are popping pills for what a couple sessions of talk therapy would cure. People look for the easy way out. It is much easier to take a pill than deal with what's really bothering you sometimes.
Also antibiotics are being over prescribed and its beginning to become a problem where diseases are starting to become immune due to over use of antibiotics in our culture. People take their kids to the dr for antibiotics for every little cold when their body is more than capable of handling the infection. Do plenty of people need antibiotics for real reasons, yes. But are a ton of people taking antibiotics and antidepressants for all the wrong reasons too, yes.
The OPs wife isn't depressed shes just upset because she isn't seeing progress like every other thread on this site. And feels like she isn't doing as good as a job because her results arent as good as her husbands.0 -
Is it possible that she's not as motivated as you about losing weight? I'm just reading between the lines - "you" decided to get you both on weight watchers, "you" suggest exercising together and she's not really interested, etc.. She may be feeling pressured and resentful. I agree with the others that suggest separating your weight loss efforts so that she feel less like it's a competition.0
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Women unfortunately have a much smaller margin of error when it comes to losing weight than men do.
Its not the same and not fair to either one of you to be comparing. It's pretty much apples to oranges.
Just reassure her that the weight will come off. She just needs to stay on track. Its a marathon not a sprint. You could also have her measure herself she may see a difference there rather than the scale. Scales can be misleading.
This is so true. I used to get a little bummed when my husband seemed to be shedding pounds with ease and I was working my tail off and getting nowhere. I had to realize that there was really no comparison and learn to celebrate my progress. Keep encouraging and educating her, my husband really helped to change my perspective that way. Measuring also worked for me because I could see changes in my body that the scale wasn't reflecting. As I stuck with it I could see my shape changing and my clothes fit better even though I wasn't dropping as many pounds.0 -
It's always hard when one person gains and the other person is getting a major award for weight loss. I don't think she is depressed that you lost weight, maybe it's more like why can he lose the weight and I can't. Maybe you can watch her tracking or look for something she is really doing well, and tell the group next week that she needs a Bravo for whatever it was. Those non-scale victories need to be celebrated. I know when I did WW I wanted a Bravo, but didn't see what I was doing well, if you can find it. Maybe that will help.I have been on both Medifast and Weight Watchers with my wife and each time I start to lose weight and she doesn't lose, then she gets depressed. I decided to get us both on weight watchers after the holidays and she seemed really excited about the program. I had been doing pretty well on my own but I wanted to get her on the program because I thought the meetings would help us out. And it happened again.. Last night at the weigh in I hit my 5% and got a Bravo from the group and my wife gained .4 over the last week but has lost 6 lbs overall in 3 weeks. Once again she told my she was depressed that she has not lost as much as she thought and smugly told me "great job".. Just wondering if anyone else has run into this same scenario and if so what suggestions they may have. I am always telling her how good she is doing and to keep up the good work. I am always offering to play tennis with her, run, walk.. whatever it takes to get her moving.. She lacks motivation when it comes to working out.
THanks for any advice or share thoughts if you have had this same situation.0 -
She needs to understand that women typically lose weight slower than men and that shes doing an EXCELLENT job! Any loss is a positive and 6 lbs is good! Maybe don't go to the weigh ins, or do them separately and keep your weight losses to yourself. Is she on MFP? Have her join!!! Plenty of love and support/motivation here for her!
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Sometimes depression is the reality. When a person is depressed it is not weakness to go to a doctor and get medication, it is strength and the right thing to do. It sounds to me like you think that if a person is depressed they just need to get over it. (Do you know anyone who has been diagnosed with depression?)Depression typically results from there being a difference between what one believes and what is. So many meds are prescribed when what really is needed is work on finding the distortions held and working on embracing and accepting reality.
No generally that is feeling sorry for yourself. Depression is generally a chemical imbalance in the brain that can be brought on by stressors, or traumatic events. It is not a matter of accepting reality! And your view on the cure for depression is just as skewed!
The pharmaceutical industry loves this point of view as they're responsible for fostering it. Sure, all human processes are chemical based, how obvious. True severe depression may be helped by chemical adjustment but most forms would benefit from adjustments in awareness and from psychological work.
It's quck fix that will not provide a permanent solution vs. addressing underlying cause. Plenty of excellent writings on this if interested.0 -
I have been on both Medifast and Weight Watchers with my wife and each time I start to lose weight and she doesn't lose, then she gets depressed. I decided to get us both on weight watchers after the holidays and she seemed really excited about the program. I had been doing pretty well on my own but I wanted to get her on the program because I thought the meetings would help us out. And it happened again.. Last night at the weigh in I hit my 5% and got a Bravo from the group and my wife gained .4 over the last week but has lost 6 lbs overall in 3 weeks. Once again she told my she was depressed that she has not lost as much as she thought and smugly told me "great job".. Just wondering if anyone else has run into this same scenario and if so what suggestions they may have. I am always telling her how good she is doing and to keep up the good work. I am always offering to play tennis with her, run, walk.. whatever it takes to get her moving.. She lacks motivation when it comes to working out.
THanks for any advice or share thoughts if you have had this same situation.
If she can't lose more per week, you could lose less. Just adjust your calorie deficit down until you are losing at roughly the rate as your wife. If you are running a 1,000 calorie deficit a day currently, dial that down to 500 a day for a week or two and check results. If you are still losing at a higher rate than your wife dial it down to a 250 calorie a day deficit.0 -
Just tell her you are blown away by her awesomeness and you are trying to become someone worthy of her. I have heard that flattery will go far
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I'd be peeing in my pants if I lost 6 lbs. in 3 weeks. JS0
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I understand!!! My husband and I started together at the beginning of the year -- I am down 9 & he's down 14. Which is GREAT, except that he can eat a lot more, do no excercise and snack on junk once in awhile and I earn each and every pound (and I workout!). It's just the way it is. No one's fault! Tell her to keep it up she's doing AWESOME!!! And have her reach out to other women to help her keep in track with....it may help with her motivation! 0
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I have to work twice as hard as my husband to loose weight. I used to get really upset that he would lose so much more than me. So much so that he got to where he wouldn't tell me if he lost.
Finally I had to accept that was just going to be a fact of life and I needed to get over it.0 -
Depression typically results from there being a difference between what one believes and what is. So many meds are prescribed when what really is needed is work on finding the distortions held and working on embracing and accepting reality.
No generally that is feeling sorry for yourself. Depression is generally a chemical imbalance in the brain that can be brought on by stressors, or traumatic events. It is not a matter of accepting reality! And your view on the cure for depression is just as skewed!
The pharmaceutical industry loves this point of view as they're responsible for fostering it. Sure, all human processes are chemical based, how obvious. True severe depression may be helped by chemical adjustment but most forms would benefit from adjustments in awareness and from psychological work.
It's quck fix that will not provide a permanent solution vs. addressing underlying cause. Plenty of excellent writings on this if interested.
I am VERY well versed in depression as I have suffered from severe depression for most of my adult life. It is true that there are psychological interventions that help, however the indication that all you have to do is accept reality is bs. My reality is a fantastic life with no merit for being depressed, sometimes the medications prescribed level out the imbalances and allow the body the time it requires to rebalance. I agree that long term use is not a good idea, but it can not always be treated with counselling. or adjustments in awareness. That's like saying someone with an infection doesn't need antibotics, anti depressants are a boost to what is lacking in the body'
Well, you seem to be ignoring the part where I acknowledged there are some cases requiring meds. You seem to be calling bs by assuming your personal situation applies to all. And I'm unclear why not using meds equates to getting no help. I certainly didn't say that. I'm not making anything up and welcome detached disagreement more than personalizing something and discrediting it on that basis.
I am versed in this area although wouldn't leverage that into dismissing other opinions. Excepting your case, of course, depression today is over medicated and the root cause under addressed. By saying that I in no way dismiss the difficulty of individual situations. That said, treating depression is somewhat analogistic to weight loss. The easy, quick fix is for most less effective than addressing the underlying cause and industry profits from the quick fix.
The other thing is if your situation isn't typical, how is it logical to extrapolate it to most?0 -
I am mean like that to my husband as well. Well not really mean...I have more to lose than him so I feel like it should come off quicker for me. It doesn't. I get frustrated but then I get over it.
Just tell her you are rooting for her and she should you. She's not rooting against you she's just bummed. Imagine if it were the other way around...0 -
Same thing here. My wife is always encourages me, but beats herself up. Right now she's not even trying, but still lost 4lbs this month because I insist we cook more often and not order take out.
We have a home gym and she asked me if there were enough exercises she could do, without adjusting or removing the seats to get an all body work out and I said there are. She said she'd think about it, so I follow up once a week and ask her if she'd like to join me or have me show her the exercises. She still says no, so I go and do my own thing.0 -
I have fought depression for 4 years (I refuse meds because I know what causes mine. My situational depression stems from my mom's death, my anxiety is from thinking about the "what ifs" to a point of making me sick, and have mild post partum depression) and I have been to therapy. All that is suggested is time in my case to heal.
Now with that said, I started this journey by myself and there was some resentment between my husband and I because i have been losing and he wasn't. He finally made the change and we are now doing it together (we are both on MFP).
She first needs to understand that bodies work differently. And that she should be happy with the progress she is making and that you will continue to support her but that she needs to understand that she should be happy for you as well. Marriage isn't a one way street, it works both ways.
Additionally I agree with some that have posted about doing separate meetings and figure out ways to work out together. Ultimately though, if she is not ready to make the change, you need to keep going and she will follow.0 -
AWWWW-I feel bad for you both. Like a previous poster said, men lose weight (in general) more easily than women do, especially depending on homrones/age/other stuff. That having been said, it sounds like she might need extra reassurance. NOT encouragement, NOT comptition, but reassurance. That you love her no matter what. That you want you and her to be healthy. That you will be by her side during the journey and afterwards as well. And if she doesn't want to go on the journey-that's her choice and you will love her regardless. If she lacks motivation for exercise-then maybe she needs a different way to get moving. Not sure what you have tried/are already doing. In my case, if my hubs wanted me to go to the gym, for example, I would never go. I know this about myself. When I started trying to lose weight a couple of years ago, I struggled to walk around the block. I could ride a bicycle for a FEW minutes. That's all I could do. Oddly enough, shortly after I started trying to eat well and exercise, I discovered geocaching. Looking for plastic frogs filling up tupperware in the woods using a GPS. It was FUN! And it gave me a reason to go for a walk. I did more exercise in a couple of months trying to find those hidden containers than I did for years before that total. And I was so determined to find them. I began hiking hills and streams and rocks and all sorts of places I had never imagined I would go. Because it was FUN! And a couple of years later, I haven't really looked for too many frogs in the woods, but I walk miles and miles. I go hiking in the woods and up the hills without a "reward" other than the joy of getting out into the middle of nowhere and hiking and enjoying the scenery and the animals and and and. I just went snowshoeing for the first time a couple of weeks ago, and we are going again on Sunday. Uphill. In the snow. Both ways, LOL!
Sorry for such a long post, but I am hoping maybe you can see what happened to me, and help your wife find something that she likes to do and you can both do together. My hubs just helped me along and took things at my pace at first. By being patient and reassuring, he created an awesome hiking/cycling/outdoor activity partner for himself as a by-product. I had no idea it could be so enjoyable to walk places instead of driving thru McDonald's on my way to the ice cream store...
Start small and ask her to join you. Make sure she feels welcome, secure, and that you are overhoyed to have her along even if it isn't a whole lot. We can all improive if we have enough support-IF we want to.
Best of luck!0 -
She HAS gotten off of her *kitten*. She lost 6 lbs in 3 weeks, which speaks to her effort. She is just frustrated that she is unable to pace her husband. It is unfair to imply she is lazy. She may prefer working out with someone closer to her own fitness profile. It might be offputting or intimidating to try and keep up with someone who out performs her fitness. Who is to say she does not work out alone? The scale moved, so she is obviously doing something right.0
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if she doesnt and wont get off her *kitten*, then she really shouldnt take it out on you, or anyone else, when she loses. I dont take it out on my boyfriend,
Nuts. This did not show up in my post.0 -
Sounds like you need to not share it. Let her do hers and you do yours and not compare. Men seem to lose faster and the bigger you are the faster you lose. If you have more to lose than she does, naturally it comes off faster. I would say, you stop weight watchers and let her do it, you do your weightloss on the sly or with another program. She will never be happy as long as she has a comparison like that.0
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Depression typically results from there being a difference between what one believes and what is. So many meds are prescribed when what really is needed is work on finding the distortions held and working on embracing and accepting reality.
No generally that is feeling sorry for yourself. Depression is generally a chemical imbalance in the brain that can be brought on by stressors, or traumatic events. It is not a matter of accepting reality! And your view on the cure for depression is just as skewed!
The pharmaceutical industry loves this point of view as they're responsible for fostering it. Sure, all human processes are chemical based, how obvious. True severe depression may be helped by chemical adjustment but most forms would benefit from adjustments in awareness and from psychological work.
It's quck fix that will not provide a permanent solution vs. addressing underlying cause. Plenty of excellent writings on this if interested.
I am VERY well versed in depression as I have suffered from severe depression for most of my adult life. It is true that there are psychological interventions that help, however the indication that all you have to do is accept reality is bs. My reality is a fantastic life with no merit for being depressed, sometimes the medications prescribed level out the imbalances and allow the body the time it requires to rebalance. I agree that long term use is not a good idea, but it can not always be treated with counselling. or adjustments in awareness. That's like saying someone with an infection doesn't need antibotics, anti depressants are a boost to what is lacking in the body'
Well, you seem to be ignoring the part where I acknowledged there are some cases requiring meds. You seem to be calling bs by assuming your personal situation applies to all. And I'm unclear why not using meds equates to getting no help. I certainly didn't say that. I'm not making anything up and welcome detached disagreement more than personalizing something and discrediting it on that basis.
I am versed in this area although wouldn't leverage that into dismissing other opinions. Excepting your case, of course, depression today is over medicated and the root cause under addressed. By saying that I in no way dismiss the difficulty of individual situations. That said, treating depression is somewhat analogistic to weight loss. The easy, quick fix is for most less effective than addressing the underlying cause and industry profits from the quick fix.
The other thing is if your situation isn't typical, how is it logical to extrapolate it to most?
Whew. Your pedanticism makes the brain hurt. Do you actually talk like this on a daily basis?0 -
del0
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You people realize that this is all about biology right? Even two women of the same height and weight will lose at different rates and will lose fat in different parts of their bodies first. Comparing yourself to other people is so destructive to this process!
OP, since you're going to Weight Watchers, could you suggest to the leader on the sly that he/she discuss the differences between men and women losing weight at some point in the near future?
This site is ad heavy but breaks it down nicely...
http://www.shape.com/latest-news-trends/why-men-lose-weight-faster
Because of more muscle mass (just because they're guys), men burn up to 20% more calories than women do per day even at the same height and weight and activity level. They will also burn more calories doing the same exercise. Men also tend to have a lesser reaction to water weight than we do. And of course they don't have to deal with the monthly bloat. All of these, and likely several other factors, all contribute to the reason why men lose weight faster than women. It's just a fact of life...deal with it and stop getting mad for stupid reasons. Use your time and energy to do something more productive instead.
thats a great link. Sent to wife. THanks0 -
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Have you tried lifting weights with her and doing measurements? Building muscle will help help her burn more calories throughout the day, and she may see better results with measurement. If nothing else, you weigh and she measures. She can't compare.0 -
Depression typically results from there being a difference between what one believes and what is. So many meds are prescribed when what really is needed is work on finding the distortions held and working on embracing and accepting reality.
No generally that is feeling sorry for yourself. Depression is generally a chemical imbalance in the brain that can be brought on by stressors, or traumatic events. It is not a matter of accepting reality! And your view on the cure for depression is just as skewed!
The pharmaceutical industry loves this point of view as they're responsible for fostering it. Sure, all human processes are chemical based, how obvious. True severe depression may be helped by chemical adjustment but most forms would benefit from adjustments in awareness and from psychological work.
It's quck fix that will not provide a permanent solution vs. addressing underlying cause. Plenty of excellent writings on this if interested.
I am VERY well versed in depression as I have suffered from severe depression for most of my adult life. It is true that there are psychological interventions that help, however the indication that all you have to do is accept reality is bs. My reality is a fantastic life with no merit for being depressed, sometimes the medications prescribed level out the imbalances and allow the body the time it requires to rebalance. I agree that long term use is not a good idea, but it can not always be treated with counselling. or adjustments in awareness. That's like saying someone with an infection doesn't need antibotics, anti depressants are a boost to what is lacking in the body'
Well, you seem to be ignoring the part where I acknowledged there are some cases requiring meds. You seem to be calling bs by assuming your personal situation applies to all. And I'm unclear why not using meds equates to getting no help. I certainly didn't say that. I'm not making anything up and welcome detached disagreement more than personalizing something and discrediting it on that basis.
I am versed in this area although wouldn't leverage that into dismissing other opinions. Excepting your case, of course, depression today is over medicated and the root cause under addressed. By saying that I in no way dismiss the difficulty of individual situations. That said, treating depression is somewhat analogistic to weight loss. The easy, quick fix is for most less effective than addressing the underlying cause and industry profits from the quick fix.
The other thing is if your situation isn't typical, how is it logical to extrapolate it to most?
Whew. Your pedanticism makes the brain hurt. Do you actually talk like this on a daily basis?
LOL. If I knew you were tuned in I'd have used cartoons.0 -
You are different people, different genders and different sizes. She needs to work at understanding that weight loss for women is different than it is for men. The facts of life will not change, if she can not make peace with them she will always be disappointed. Maybe if she is to compare she should consider comparing her progress to that of other females in the group. She may just discover that she is doing quite well.0
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Divorce.
That's just stupid.
He should stay married and gain weight so his wife feels better.0 -
Depression typically results from there being a difference between what one believes and what is. So many meds are prescribed when what really is needed is work on finding the distortions held and working on embracing and accepting reality.
No generally that is feeling sorry for yourself. Depression is generally a chemical imbalance in the brain that can be brought on by stressors, or traumatic events. It is not a matter of accepting reality! And your view on the cure for depression is just as skewed!
The pharmaceutical industry loves this point of view as they're responsible for fostering it. Sure, all human processes are chemical based, how obvious. True severe depression may be helped by chemical adjustment but most forms would benefit from adjustments in awareness and from psychological work.
It's quck fix that will not provide a permanent solution vs. addressing underlying cause. Plenty of excellent writings on this if interested.
I am VERY well versed in depression as I have suffered from severe depression for most of my adult life. It is true that there are psychological interventions that help, however the indication that all you have to do is accept reality is bs. My reality is a fantastic life with no merit for being depressed, sometimes the medications prescribed level out the imbalances and allow the body the time it requires to rebalance. I agree that long term use is not a good idea, but it can not always be treated with counselling. or adjustments in awareness. That's like saying someone with an infection doesn't need antibotics, anti depressants are a boost to what is lacking in the body'
Well, you seem to be ignoring the part where I acknowledged there are some cases requiring meds. You seem to be calling bs by assuming your personal situation applies to all. And I'm unclear why not using meds equates to getting no help. I certainly didn't say that. I'm not making anything up and welcome detached disagreement more than personalizing something and discrediting it on that basis.
I am versed in this area although wouldn't leverage that into dismissing other opinions. Excepting your case, of course, depression today is over medicated and the root cause under addressed. By saying that I in no way dismiss the difficulty of individual situations. That said, treating depression is somewhat analogistic to weight loss. The easy, quick fix is for most less effective than addressing the underlying cause and industry profits from the quick fix.
The other thing is if your situation isn't typical, how is it logical to extrapolate it to most?
Whew. Your pedanticism makes the brain hurt. Do you actually talk like this on a daily basis?
LOL. If I knew you were tuned in I'd have used cartoons.0
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