Fat people are invisible somehow.

kajaknowers

I was just mentioning it to another MFP that I noticed in September that my weight was starting to have an affect on how people behaved around me....and also when I started to feel very self conscious. I found that if I went clubbing, whereas before I would get some attention from the opposite sex, as I got bigger, I was becoming invisible....there was a particular night that we went out for a friends 21st so she had friends from uni come and celebrate....all the girls were very lovely but literally every single guy was avoiding me like the plague but not my skinny friends....I wanted to see if you also felt that being "obese" made you invisible.....and unfortunately proves that your weight does affect the way people perceive you (shallow bas***ds) lol. Looks do count in life it appears to be.

x

Chenoachem

I think it has more to do with self confidence than anything. I have friends that are very much overweight, but have a high amount of self confidence and were always swarming with guys. I had always been skinny with no self confidence, and had a hard time getting a date. Sometimes our self confidence is linked to how we think others percieve us.

LongMom

It's a cruel cruel world

I hope peoples attitudes change in the future. I hope people finally see past how we look.

mictur

When I was younger, way back in the 70s and 80s and went to bars I was invisible. I picked up drinking and smoking to give me something to do because I wasn't dancing. Now I am visible and have stopped that drinking and smoking and losing the weight. Can't give you the advice of how to be visible unless you make a fool of yourself. But just know that it does become better. Try something else instead of the bars. Dance with your girlfriends and tell them how you feel. At least you had friends to go with you I went alone. Imagine just to meet guys. Be assertive and you won't be so invisible.:flowerforyou:

simona1972

ABSOLUTELY!

Im amazed at how an obese person can become invisible. I think we'd be hard to miss!

karmasBFF

I was just mentioning it to another MFP that I noticed in September that my weight was starting to have an affect on how people behaved around me....and also when I started to feel very self conscious. I found that if I went clubbing, whereas before I would get some attention from the opposite sex, as I got bigger, I was becoming invisible....there was a particular night that we went out for a friends 21st so she had friends from uni come and celebrate....all the girls were very lovely but literally every single guy was avoiding me like the plague but not my skinny friends....I wanted to see if you also felt that being "obese" made you invisible.....and unfortunately proves that your weight does affect the way people perceive you (shallow bas***ds) lol. Looks do count in life it appears to be.

x

You know, I used to feel this way. I was always conscious about the men that hit on my friends, or came to me to ask about them! So insulting!!!

But then I started looking at my friends as filters. To keep the shallow ones away. The ones that were only about the arm trophy, the "skinny b!tches". And sometimes, because my friends were sooo used to me NOT being hit on, that when I finally did express interest in someone, they were quick to JUMP on it, as though THEY knew I didn't have a chance. Again, HOW RUDE!

Then I found my sexy! and the confidence changed the game! I wasnt the girl that was trying too hard, the girl that was "hiding in the corner". I was hott! and the men came a-flocking! I havent lost much but I get sooo much attention now. I actually have options! Unfortuntely, what I do not have, is time to make USE of my options!!! LOL

lilmestydaze

Yea...I have felt like as the bigger I got...the more different people have behaved around me.
-I have been getting fewer and fewer dates.
-Guys would have the nerve to tell me little things I could do to loose weight. HELLO!?!?! Just because I am fat doesn't mean I drink soda all the time or eat damn cheese every meal! i actually probably eat alot less than skinny b*tches (no offense if you are skinny, haha).
-I went on vacation with 3 of my other co-workers. I was the only one that didn't get hit on..surprise surprise...I was the fattest.

So those are just a few examples of how I feel your pain. No matter how much we want to deny it....our society bases things on looks. I can't deny that I don't like obese men. I like mine normal size. So I would have to admit being a hypocrite if I said that I expect guys to love me for me and not my size.

karmasBFF

I think it has more to do with self confidence than anything. I have friends that are very much overweight, but have a high amount of self confidence and were always swarming with guys. I had always been skinny with no self confidence, and had a hard time getting a date. Sometimes our self confidence is linked to how we think others percieve us.

Wow! Get out of my head!! I just responded with just that! Confidence is key and weight is such a small factor in determining the faith you have in YOURSELF!!

Nich0le

Well, are you attracted to fit or fat? No personality involved, which one catches your eye first? I would guess for most people a fit or thinner person catches their eye first. I could go on but my mouth (or writing) will get me in trouble, must have my filter on today!

EmilysMommy

I don't think fat people are invisible, actually I think it is the complete opposite! Maybe to your face they won't look at us or even get close enough to us because they think they will get the "fatty infection". But most people stop and stare, or point fingers, or just whisper bad things about you and hope that you don't here them! People are mean and cruel. They do not care that the fat person that they are whispering about does have feelings. I mean seriously what is they point of being so skinny(and apparently in todays society that automatically means that you are beautiful) and then being so ugly on the inside! I would rather be fat forever than to know that the only way to make myself feel good about myself is to talk about somebody else!

megamom

They did this show where women dressed up in a fat suit and went out in public, they dropped papers, nobody stopped to help, went clothes shopping, no salesperson came to assist, went out to eat and were either ignored or sneered at. Then they dressed the same woman up and she was skinny, dropped her papers and had a ton of help etc, the sales people swooned over her. So yes, it is out there and will probably not change. It's our society.

fitandhealthy

Unfortunately, this is nothing new. It's all around us in all forms of media, including the runways where the models are stick thin. Skinny people are perceived as more attractive, clothes hang better on skinny people, etc. The way we look is our first impression until people get to know us. Once people take the time to get to know the person "inside", appearances are usually overlooked at that point. Unfortunately, at the clubs, it's usually all about looks. There is usually so much competition that most guys will give the skinnier girls the attention. But if you make sure to show your personality and confidence, your beauty will shine brighter than the skinnier girls. Personality goes alot further than skinny!

mhoss101

I feel the same way.. It used to bother me but it doesn't anymore. I am the biggest girl out of my group of girlfriends and whenever we go out, I am always the last one to get hit on or I don't get hit on at all, which again doesn't bother me, but I do think that people have a stereotype of me when they see my body. I know I am attractive but I definitely see a difference in the way I am treated and the way my friends are treated. But then again, if you aren't judged for your weight, then you are judged for your hair style, clothes, who you hang out with, so really there is no escaping it..

kendrafallon

It's a cruel, cruel world and I've had exactly the same for all of my life. i have never been noticed by guys when I've been out at parties/clubs - my single friends usually ended up getting off with at least one guy in the evening. And it's not just nights out, i generally get ignored by guys, unless is platonic

Looks do matter - it's the looks that perk their interest enough to come over and talk to you. There are exceptions to every rule and I'm sure there's a bunch of guys out there, that are more interested in personality. But in all honesty, they're usually with someone, or very rare to find.

I guess for now I'm staying single. Keep up the weigh-loss!!!
x

kajaknowers

I know its a confidence thing....I havent been clubbing after starting my weightloss journey and I know when I was this size I felt sexy but i just wanted to hear your opinions on the matter on how I society behaves around our looks x

PattyTheUndefeated

I made myself invisible without even thinking about it. I expected to be ignored so I unitentionally became the nonexistent fat chick. I mean, do you really want to be looked at when you're fat? I know I didn't. Did I appreciate any attention I got? Yes. Would I rather hide then have someone look at my fat *kitten* on the dance floor? Yes.

We get back what we put forth. And I purt forth the 'stay away from me, I'm a cow' vibe. And sadly, cows don't get much attention, unless you're a t-bone steak with a side of mashed. Y'know?

:-(

ractayjon

I am a lot older then you - and when I was younger I didnt have a weight problem so I cant answer directly to your question as far as noticing or not noticing....but I can say that over my "years" and ups and downs with weight and a few other physcal attributes....we do live in a society that favors beauty and right now at the time we are living the media decided and persuades what is acceptable and not acceptable. I dont know that there is anything that one person can do about it. I have 3 daughters and 1 son, they are young, and we have conversations all the time about health, tv/magazines, fashion. We talk about calories and fat and how your body works. I also have a Girl Scout troop of 10 year olds with whom I try to teach postive attitudes toward themselves and towards others. One time we watched American Idol (when they did the makeovers) and analyzed the why's of it all. Getting off track -- my point is that the only way perception is going to change is if we one by one change ourselves and also teach the younger generations the wrongs of what is happening now. As people we need to learn how to accept ourselves from within.
You are right that people are shallow (remember that movie Shallow Hal from a few years back) -- but as a caring, honest person that has feelings we have to learn (I dont know how) that if someone is going to judge without getting to know you then we dont want them as part of our lives. I know I know easier said then done...but I can give you the wisdom of years that will tell you that at some point you will have someone that loves you for you, for who you are inside...until then fight the good fight!!!!!

Steph_135

kaja... Being overweight makes me feel invisible, but I think that's the way I like it. I think I'm afraid to get close to people, which is something I really need to work on. I do, however, still go clubbing and love every minute of dancing with my girls (who don't dance with random guys that I have ever seen!). In fact, the first guy I dated met me at a club. :happy:

weidner

You know, I have to disagree - when I was in my early 20's, I was 5 ft. 7 in. tall and weighed all of 114 pounds; strawberry blond hair, straight teeth, and clear complexion - I would go to bars and men would run the other way; I remember thinking to myself "what the hell is wrong with me". People would say men were intimidated, but I did not buy that at all, I was fun and outgoing and very confident - so I am sorry to say this, I just think guys can be jerks.

brunsie

I think it has more to do with self confidence than anything. I have friends that are very much overweight, but have a high amount of self confidence and were always swarming with guys. I had always been skinny with no self confidence, and had a hard time getting a date. Sometimes our self confidence is linked to how we think others percieve us.

I couldn't agree more. I was invisible for a long time. I would not go anywhere, do anything and be alone a lot. I just knew it was because I was so large. But recently I have been seeing therapist for issues and have really begun to open up. I am still a large woman and have a lot to lose still, but I feel better about me. I am more confident about me and in turn, it helps me to get out there and live.

Momma2four

I can totally relate to this. I remember when men would fall all over themselves trying to open the door for me when I was entering a building. One day I was walking to a door and the man in front of me dropped it in my face.:noway: saw my reflection and realized why:sad: At least my hubby still thinks I am beautiful, even if I don't look like I did when we met.

squoozyq

Mean people suck.

spicy618

I agree with the confidence comment

Also, who are WE looking at? Are we looking at the "Jock" or the "Nerd"?

When I was overweight, I didn't feel as Fat as I was.... I think that was confidence. However, I was and still am attracted to "Beautiful Bodies". Those guys wouldn't look at me. The ones I didn't find attractive would try to get my attention. Now, I'm attracting the men I find attractive. However, "beautiful body" doesn't mean they are "beautiful people".

Not offense to the Jocks or Nerds. :laugh: :flowerforyou:

MercuryBlue

It's all about how you feel about yourself.

I have a friend who is thirty, but has never been kissed or had a boyfriend. She's overweight, but she has lovely red hair and crystal clear blue eyes. She's very pretty- just try telling her that. I know that a DIFFERENT person in her body would have no problem finding someone to be with her. She thinks men are shallow and don't like her because of her weight, but I've tried to set her up with guys before only to have her brush them off because THEY were too short, or too fat, or whatever. She sort of lives in a fantasy world, and unless a guy looks like a Backstreet Boy or Orlando Bloom, she's not interested.

I also have friends MUCH bigger than her who are in happy relationships. I firmly believe it's not her SIZE that hinders her- it's her personality.

In my case, I've never had a hard time getting attention when I go out, regardless of my size. However, I definitely get MORE attention when I'm thin. I has nothing to do with how I look, but how I feel about myself. When I'm bigger, I cover myself up. I may as well have '*kitten* off!' tattooed on my forehead. I don't want to be touched or looked at. When I am smaller, I feel good about myself and I have an inner glow that attracts people. (Not that I actively look to meet people anyways since I'm not single, but hey, I still go out with the girls once in a while!)


The reason I know attention has nothing to do with my size is because at my smallest, I was 125 and felt GREAT. I had no trouble getting attention whatsoever. When I went from 125 to 145, I felt fat and disgusting. Nobody would look at me- because I didn't want them to. Then I had my second son, and was 184.... I couldn't believe how gross and disgusting I "was". My perception of myself was so bad... needless to say, I never got complimented on my appearance, ever. Now I'm back down to 145 again- a weight that USED to make me feel bad about myself. Back then at 145, nobody would look twice at me because of the vibe I gave off. However, I recently went out with some friends and had TONNES of attention, people offering to buy me drinks, etc. I'm the same weight now I was back then- only now, I don't feel fat. I feel confident and happy, because I've LOST 40 pounds and I know how much better I look than I did before. My old 'fat' is my new 'skinny'- and as my attitude changed, so did my behavior. As my behavior and personality changed, so did the attention I received. It's all about what you put out there.

karenjoy

I think that age makes you less visible. I was never overweight until I was in my 30's, so I don't have the experience of dating and clubs whilst overweight. I remember suddenly realising at about 20 the effect I could have on men, (I used to model a bit when I was younger and looking back had a drop dead figure) I remember guys literally drooling over me but as I got older this lessened as older guys are less 'overt' and also tend to be in relationships. I have a large bust and find that my FACE is invisible to many men, I have guys who just TALK to my chest, literally. My husband is a very tolerant guy, and rarely gets put out by this. I find that even though I am over weight, I still get attention from guys, usually older than I would like :laugh: but I am very bubbly and have a good sense of humour and I think it is that that gets you noticed. Try and be confident, it really is that which will get you noticed. Take a look around at married men, lots of married men are with overweight women, it is something that is strange but true. Men like to chat and flirt with thin girls, but they date and marry ones with something to hold onto.

CreativeRedhead

Unfortunately I have to agree that fat people do become invisible. I've been there, am still there I think. It's very hard to deal with emotionally when you are being avoided solely because of your weight. I noticed that I have fewer and fewer friends as the pounds packed on. Since I'm married I'm not so concerned about getting hit on but I feel that people avoid me often. Women who are skinny often avoid talking to me when they are around which ultimately makes you feel like crap. If men do talk to you it's usually because they aren't attracted to you so you're a safe choice to spill all their problems out onto. I am wondering how people's reactions will change as I hopefully drop these pounds.


Great thread by the way!

gabi_ele

I think there are still a lot of shallow Hals out there , but sometimes it our own perception of how we look that turns people away. I read a lot of comments on here, where someone 20 pounds overweight calls themselves a fat cow or disgusting...I think it reflects in our behavior how we feel about ourselves and if we don't like ourselves then why would anybody else? I have about 150 pounds to loose and I don't feel that way at all. I have a lot of friends, am married ( and yes I was a size 16 when I met my husband), and if I ever mention my weight people tell me it doesn't matter.
I wear a smile most of the time, am quick to initiate conversations, emphasize(sp) with problems that other people have and love to make light in any kind of situation. The reason I am loosing weight is because of health reasons, getting older and wanting to be as fit as possible. Do I get looked at stupidly ? sure, but it makes me sad for a minute and then I just smile and think I am sooo blessed and am glad I don't have the problems that other person has.
I do get what I want most of the time, I might have to work a little harder for it, but it doesn't matter in the end.
Have a glorious day

mariena

I definitely agree that it is a self confidence issue. But I also agree that it's a superficial issue too. The problem is created by both parties, with the overweight person shying away and feeling less confident around the skinny girls, and the guys and skinny girls avoiding the overweight person scared they are going to cause an awkward moment. Serious studies in sociology have revolved around this very subject in human interaction. But it's definitely not a secret that being young, thin, and beautiful has it's advantages in our society today.

jennylynn84

It's no secret that attractive people get better treatment than unattractive. Supposedly (and of course, this could just have been promotional) Gwenyth Paltrow (sp?) went out in the fat suit from Shallow Hal just to see what happened. And she said she saw a very distinct difference in treatment. As far as people whispering, holding open doors, being polite, etc. Unfortunately, it's just true.

But you can't neglect the confidence factor. I have a friend who I can NOT go out with. Ever. Seriously. I love her to death, but once you get out in public with her and away from her home or my home (her comfort zones) she shuts down. She's afraid people are looking at her or talking about her or what people think, so she doesn't talk much, won't socialize - she's even afraid to ask for another drink from the waiter! And while, yes, because of the above, it might be safe to assume that SOMEONE in the room has gone all a*hole on you, you can't let it prevent you from having fun in life and making friends with people that aren't jerks. People are more likely to talk about you because you're obviously a wet towel, than because you might need to shed a few pounds.

I've been very enclosed and self-conscious. I didn't get much attention then either. It was when I was more confident, outspoken and willing to have fun (and 20 pounds heavier than my self-conscious weight) that I drew attention, especially from the opposite sex. In fact, it was then that I met/married my husband, who has ALWAYS said I'm beautiful.

Bottom line - if someone in the room is going "Ugh, look at the fat chick" then is that a person you really care about? Is their opinion of value to you? Leave them to miss out on your opinions and fun ideas and move on with your life.

LittleSpy

I think it's not only confidence but also my perception of other's actions and comments toward me.
60 pounds ago, if someone hit on me, or whistled at me I would've assumed they were being sarcastic & mean.
Now I assume they're serious. :laugh:

I used to overanalyze everything on social situations. I could *not* enjoy myself at all, even if I was full of liquid courage. Everything seemed like a personal attack. If I was walking on the sidewalk and someone walking toward me crossed the street, it wasn't because they had somewhere to go on the other side of the street, it was because I was fat. If someone let the door slam in my face, it wasn't because they didn't see me, it was because I was fat. If someone didn't talk to me at a party, it wasn't because I was being shy & standing next to the wall trying to blend in, it was because I was fat.

This is the same thing people do with all kinds of personal characteristics -- race, sexuality, religion, gender, etc. I've noticed my gay friends blame EVERYTHING bad that happens to them on the fact that they're homosexual. My brown & black friends blame it on racism. I blame it on being fat. We use those things as a crutch -- I guess as a way to not take accountability for what happens to us. Blame everything bad on something you have very little to no control over and everything good on something you have total control over. :laugh: Our minds play tricks on us.

These are all generalizaitons, of course, and I'm not denying that descrimination does happen by any stretch of the imagination! I just mean that a lot of times, our minds jump to that as the explanation when in reality, the situation had absolutely nothing to do with our physical appearance.

cbnorris

You know, I used to feel this way. I was always conscious about the men that hit on my friends, or came to me to ask about them! So insulting!!!

But then I started looking at my friends as filters. To keep the shallow ones away. The ones that were only about the arm trophy, the "skinny b!tches". And sometimes, because my friends were sooo used to me NOT being hit on, that when I finally did express interest in someone, they were quick to JUMP on it, as though THEY knew I didn't have a chance. Again, HOW RUDE!

Then I found my sexy! and the confidence changed the game! I wasnt the girl that was trying too hard, the girl that was "hiding in the corner". I was hott! and the men came a-flocking! I havent lost much but I get sooo much attention now. I actually have options! Unfortuntely, what I do not have, is time to make USE of my options!!! LOL

Wow I hope you ditched these so-called "friends."

I was always the bigger one in my group of college friends, even though I wasn't really THAT big, I was bigger than them and and a very good portion of the girls that were out clubbing or hanging at the bar. However, in college I always had someone in rotation and usually back up on the back burner for once that fizzled. Seems like the past 10 years I have teetered between a string of flings and serious relationships because I crave male attention. I may not have always been the thinnest girl in the room or even the prettiest, but I'm pretty ballsy at times and have no problem going up to a guy I find attractive and flirting or giving non-subtle hints that I am interested and most of the time it works in my favor because people like confidence. Times when I was feeling down and didn't do this I have wound up going home more depressed than I was before because I didn't get the attention I wanted when all I had to do was take it.

I'll never forget in colege absolutely drooling over this guy that I thought was way out of my league. He was standing beside me at the bar and in an attempt to make conversation I asked him what his hat said. His response? "I kick *kitten*," My response: silence. I was kicking myself, "what does your hat say?" how incredibly lame? So later this girl is dancing with him and I'm thinking "you know, that could be me". So as the bar is closing she's telling him to call her. Once she leaves I swoop in and say "You know earlier when I asked you what your hat said? What I really meant to say is you can do better than that, and you should call me instead." And he did. (all is fair in love and war) It was a true victory in my eyes, as he was a stunt bmxer and oh so hot. Sure he turned out to be a prick with a gf. But the important part is that you just may be able to get that guy you've been eyeing as long as you approach him with confidence. However, most of the time, what you think you want isn't what you need or what's best for you.