Fat people are invisible somehow.

MercuryBlue

This is the same thing people do with all kinds of personal characteristics -- race, sexuality, religion, gender, etc. I've noticed my gay friends blame EVERYTHING bad that happens to them on the fact that they're homosexual. My brown & black friends blame it on racism. I blame it on being fat. We use those things as a crutch -- I guess as a way to not take accountability for what happens to us. Blame everything bad on something you have very little to no control over and everything good on something you have total control over. :laugh: Our minds play tricks on us.

This is so true! I jokingly tell my friends all the time, "I'm not prejudice. I'm an equal opportunity hater!"

The fact is, if someone is mean to you, it's easy to blame it on the fact that you're fat or gay, or the 'wrong' color, or the 'wrong' gender, or religion or whatever- because that's beyond your control. People have a hard time admitting to themselves that maybe the reason they're receiving poor treatment is because of their own actions or behavior- and not who or what they are. It's a TOTAL crutch- something we do when we don't want to be accountable for our own destinies.

When people act mean to me, I never assume it's because of my weight. I usually assume it's because I'm pathologically shy and come off as a bit standoffish to people meeting me for the first time.

karmasBFF

You know, I used to feel this way. I was always conscious about the men that hit on my friends, or came to me to ask about them! So insulting!!!

But then I started looking at my friends as filters. To keep the shallow ones away. The ones that were only about the arm trophy, the "skinny b!tches". And sometimes, because my friends were sooo used to me NOT being hit on, that when I finally did express interest in someone, they were quick to JUMP on it, as though THEY knew I didn't have a chance. Again, HOW RUDE!

Then I found my sexy! and the confidence changed the game! I wasnt the girl that was trying too hard, the girl that was "hiding in the corner". I was hott! and the men came a-flocking! I havent lost much but I get sooo much attention now. I actually have options! Unfortuntely, what I do not have, is time to make USE of my options!!! LOL

Wow I hope you ditched these so-called "friends."

I didnt ditch them because I think women behave like this from a place of weakness and insecurity. And I am no one to judge. But I am one to do it on return to teach a valuable lesson: It sucks more for the "fat girl" to steal your "prize" than it does for "you" to do it to "me"!

Needless to say, they dont do it anymore! Then again, we arent that close anymore so maybe I just dont notice it anymore! Either way, I win!!! LOL

MattySparky

Unfortunately looks do count, especially in a club setting where most single women and men go to mingle with the opposite sex in hopes of hooking up for a night or a relationship. In this scenario looks are the only thing, at first. They are what attract people to one another. You cant look accross the room and say, "Ill be right back Jim, that girl has such amazing acedemic skills that I just have to get her number"... it's just not gonna happen. So while I feel your pain, I think the club is the wrong place to be judging how everyone else is judging people on their looks... its just the way it is.

MattySparky

... it would be like going to the zoo and getting insulted when the Rhino's hump.... it' was gonna happen and you knew it!

Ecourter22509

No this is so true. and you know what i hate the most is when you tell your skinny friends about it they just say, "oh they were just being *kitten*" but those same guys were paying plenty of attention to the skinny ones. idk some people are different and dont care about the weights thing, like im lucky enough to have found someone that loves me for me and lets me know everyday how beautiful i am. but there are and there will always be those *kitten* out there that only care about the size of your clothes. but you know what when we look good and they start to pay attention to them rub t in there face and walk away cuase those kinds of people are not worth any of our time

Steph_135

[...] so I am sorry to say this, I just think guys can be jerks.

Agreed!!

Carrie... Thanks for sharing that. A lot of what you said really resonated with me. Sometimes I feel like the world is out to get me, but when I change my attitude, I notice that there are actually a lot of great people out there waiting for me to have a great conversation with.

Fact: Most strangers are very open to having a nice conversation with you. I think they are just afraid to start it.

I think it reflects in our behavior how we feel about ourselves and if we don't like ourselves then why would anybody else?

gabi_ele... That is an excellent statement. I loved reading your post.

JennyLynn... That's a great bottom line.

I think it's not only confidence but also my perception of other's actions and comments toward me.

LittleSpy... That reminds me of a quote I read a long time ago, about how we see ourselves the way we THINK other people see us. The same goes for the way we behave. I still over-analyze everything. It's obviously easier to make excuses based on "being fat" rather than have to work on our personalities, like you said. Which one's easier? There's another saying: people are more motivated to take action by pain, than by pleasure. I think that's Anthony Robbins. :laugh:

YOU ARE ALL SO INSPIRING!!! :smooched:

Shallow Hal has been mentioned a few times. I say we all go out at read "Unlimited Power" by Anthony Robbins. I read it when I was 13, and I think it's about time to go back and read it again. :laugh:

wolf23

A great quote from Eleanor Roosevelt "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."

kwardklinck

You can't change other people's perceptions of you. What you have to change is your perception of yourself. You are doing the best things you can for yourself. You are losing weight and you are exercising. You are getting healthy and probably feeling a lot more energetic. As your perception of yourself improves, other's perceptions will come back around. However, this isn't for them. This is for you. This is for you to look and feel better. Don't tie your self-concept to any numbers on the scale. Go by how you feel and the improvements you are making in yourself. It might take some time but just don't give up. You can do this.

Sweetie_Pie92

I think it's a lack of confidence that makes a person invisible. When I was 14ish I was pretty heavy, and I felt so bad about myself...the boys stopped noticing me because I didn't want to be noticed. I'm 18 now and I've recovered from my self-hate stage and surprise, surprise - I'm getting noticed all the time. It took a few years for me to realize how beautiful I really am, and I had to come to terms with that before I could start losing weight. I used to feel like I had to lose the weight to be pretty, now I know I am anyway. Now I have a very cute (and relatively in shape) boyfriend. I'm not exactly fat, but I have plenty to lose...but I swear the boy doesn't even seem to notice! "Let's hike that trail over there!" He's really pushing me to things I didn't know I could do, I really love it. But, I still feel a little bit self-conscious about my body...so I get nervous the closer he wants to be. I really need to just accept that he finds me attractive and get over myself!

missmalibu

Unfortunately looks do count, especially in a club setting where most single women and men go to mingle with the opposite sex in hopes of hooking up for a night or a relationship. In this scenario looks are the only thing, at first. They are what attract people to one another. You cant look accross the room and say, "Ill be right back Jim, that girl has such amazing acedemic skills that I just have to get her number"... it's just not gonna happen. So while I feel your pain, I think the club is the wrong place to be judging how everyone else is judging people on their looks... its just the way it is.

I agree with this. The men in clubs are often there to pick up something hot and fast! I don't pick up in clubs; I have a good figure and a pretty face (not lacking in confidence either, ha ha), but I am not a 'dolly bird' with her tits and *kitten* hanging out so the sleazy weasels looking for a one night stand don't bother me. This doesn't bother me in the slightest because I rock and I don't need their attention to know that :glasses:

lovingmyjaybird

I agree it has alot to do with confidence.. I was at 269 and a size 22/24 jeans with NO CONFIDENCE and very low self esteem.. and no dates..lol

I am now down to215, a size 15/16 jeans but over flowing with confidence. I wore a skirt the other day.. out of the house.. that's how confident I have become and wouldn't you know it, I got a cat call. I am still pretty big, but a guy whistled as me.. Do you know how amazing that felt..sure he was old and gross, but he whistled lol I just smiled and continued on my way.. I've had guys I went to highschool with ask me out, and in highschool I was smaller with no confidence.. But now that I'm not ashamed anymore, and I'm happy in my skin.. I get asked out at least twice a week.. I don't go because a few months ago, I started dating someone, feeling fabulous stopped worrying about weight loss so much and gained back 5 lbs in one month =( .. So for now, I'm not going to date.. I am not losing weight to "catch a man".. I'm losing weight to get healthy.. and I need to be healthy for me and my son before I start dating again

foxyforce

I think it has more to do with self confidence than anything. I have friends that are very much overweight, but have a high amount of self confidence and were always swarming with guys. I had always been skinny with no self confidence, and had a hard time getting a date. Sometimes our self confidence is linked to how we think others percieve us.

this is so true. my 300 lb friend gets all the dudes at the club, i **** you not. it has gotta be the boobs that go with it!

havingitall

[...] so I am sorry to say this, I just think guys can be jerks.

All human beings can be jerks...not just guys.

MattySparky

Yeah lets not hate on guys ok, we're all human and human nature is very cruel. You women are just a guilty as men at having all these same attributes

foxyforce

Yeah lets not hate on guys ok, we're all human and human nature is very cruel. You women are just a guilty as men at having all these same attributes

human nature or socialization?

MattySparky

Human nature. Humans are very cruel by nature... just look around the world.

kwardklinck

I really do think it's about confidence. I've still been wearing my big clothes so people don't notice my weight loss so much. Fact is I feel better and am more willing to smile and talk to people. I've received a lot more attention lately than I have in years.

Steph_135

Yeah lets not hate on guys ok, we're all human and human nature is very cruel. You women are just a guilty as men at having all these same attributes

human nature or socialization?

Touché. :laugh:

HealthyChanges2010

definitely bumpin this to reread this over a few times and I thought I was the only one who thought this way! I used to want to be invisible and even nowadays I can slip into that without thinking, definitely not a fun place to be and not a 'moving forward in life' action.

All of you had so much good to share, I always learn alot on differing opinions as well.

I'm glad so many of you opened up and shared, looking forward to coming back when I have a bit more time!

KarenECunningham

Sometimes fat people are treated like they are invisible but it can be overcome with some confidence. I believe a smile and a big dose of self-confidence helps overcome some of it. It comes from within and knowing that no matter what size you happen to be,you are beautiful and you do matter. :happy:

kiffypooh

I have to say I think it is confidence and also the expression on our faces. My sister and I (back in the day) use to go to the bars together. I've always been a good 50 lbs bigger then she is/was but I've always been much more social. She is beautiful, always knows what to wear, how to do her hair, makeup, etc. I, on the other hand would go out with a pony tail in, no make up, jeans and a t-shirt. I LOVE to flirt and tend to have a smile and approachable look on my face and would end up with all the guys talking to me, her friends would be hanging out with me, etc. My sister, on the other hand, has a "default sour face". When she isn't paying attention to herself and is just looking around her body language and her face is sending the message, "don't talk to me, don't even look at me." She finally believed me once my husband told her why guys don't go up to her. She has tons of self confidence, but she just looks unapproachable when she's just hanging out.
I'm not saying that there are a whole bunch of people out there who do not like fat, overweight, unhealthy, etc people, because there are those people, but it's not all about the looks always.

foxyforce

Human nature. Humans are very cruel by nature... just look around the world.

i disagree, but that is a topic for another forum lol

HealthyChanges2010

bump

happy_jax

It is so true! I hate the feeling of being invisible!! I have had it both ways in my life...and I sure prefer the way I was treated when I was skinny!!

I was fat from the ages of 12-15 (so all through Secondary school! Agh..nightmare!) and used to get bullied about being the fat kid. Okay, so not invisible - but kids are so hurtful and the number of times I went home in tears were awful! Then at our end of school Dance, when I was 16, the main guy who used to bully me asked me to dance...it was the best feeling in the whole world when I could just laugh and turn away to dance with a friend. (Who was he kidding? Did he forget the pain he put me through?!)

I was pretty much slim since then, really sporty and taking care of myself. I wore a red dress to the Christmas Party of my first full-time job and my boss joked that he had never been in a bar where every man turned to stare at one person. It was one of my happiest moments...I just glowed with happiness!

But now...I guess I've just got too comfortable. I've been with my partner 4 years so when I put on weight from some medication, I didn't panic too much - until I started noticing the changes in the way people treated me again. I can feel people stare at me when I go to swim (and not in a good way!!) and when we go out I might as well not be there. The door men you used to flirt with you skip a queue now don't even see you and old aquaintances look the other way when you pass them in the street.

...Being fat SUCKS!

Yes, I totally see people's points that it's partially about confidence/attitude etc - but let's be realistic, there's a big difference in the way people treat skinny-minnies and those of us that are a little over-rounded.

rcatr

I remember all too well the hurt of being teased and made fun of when I was overweight. I made up for it by being the funny one...I made the joke about my being fat before anyone else could make it...the best defense is a good offense, right? I laughed at myself harder than others dared to.

I think once we're on the other side or close to it (and forgive my generalizations) we might forget how awful the struggle was and how hard it was to be on the "dark side". We forget what it was like to not get asked to dances, to not experience dating, to not fit into the cute clothes in the magazines, overlooked, feeling invisible....all those things ya know?

I think I need to remember these things before I tell anyone who is struggling with feeling invisible to just buck up and gain some confidence and everything will be okay.

dizzle2209

I think it all depends on the group of people that perceives overweight people.

I've never been obese but I've also never been skinny - kinda hovers above the "healthy weight" and overweight. I've felt ignored in parties and have also been hit on the dance floor/at a bar. Although I'm not the life of the party, I can say I have confidence in myself and I like who I am.

In the situations where I felt ignored are often in groups that tend to be very young - like high school, college aged, up to mid 20s even. I think it's possibly because they are still immature, shallow. The guys still want the skinny blonde that might have nothing brilliant to say. They are still in that state of mind where appearances are everything and being cool is too. (Funny, this just happened last weekend!)

In contrast, the times when I have been approached seem to involve older men - not significantly, more like late 20s, early 30s (I'm early/mid 20s btw). Or if they weren't older, they were considerably more mature and thoughtful at least based on my conversations with them.

So maybe it's not your problem with confidence. Maybe it's the people that you are around. Maybe you don't have to change but just change the group you hang out with. No one should feel obliged to have to make a 180 personality turn around or lose XX lbs. just so they can please a group of people - it totally goes against the idea of having confidence in yourself. Because if you have to force yourself to be the talkative one/the perky one/the flirty one in any given situations just to feel accepted, then doesn't it mean you're just succumbing to their standards of "coolness." Be the quiet one, be the shy one. Be the snarky one. It doesn't matter. Just be who you are. So long are you're nice and good to people, they will like you and in a planet with 6 billion people, I can assure you, somebody will.

iplayoutside19

I was just mentioning it to another MFP that I noticed in September that my weight was starting to have an affect on how people behaved around me....and also when I started to feel very self conscious. I found that if I went clubbing, whereas before I would get some attention from the opposite sex, as I got bigger, I was becoming invisible....there was a particular night that we went out for a friends 21st so she had friends from uni come and celebrate....all the girls were very lovely but literally every single guy was avoiding me like the plague but not my skinny friends....I wanted to see if you also felt that being "obese" made you invisible.....and unfortunately proves that your weight does affect the way people perceive you (shallow bas***ds) lol. Looks do count in life it appears to be.

x

Not that I haven't had my share of nights out at the bar. But, you're at a bar! Not exactly an enclave of enlightenment, love, and empathy. I'm generalizing here, but most guys at a bar are really after one thing, and it's not enlightened conversation.

Secondly, I also agree it's about personality, and being aproachable. I know plenty of over-weight people that have no problem pulling from the opposite sex.

As far as acceptance of over weight people in general? I've seen that there is a bias, but only if you're looking for a bias. However, as America gets fatter, there will probably more and more acceptance of it.

highrise

You know, I have to disagree - when I was in my early 20's, I was 5 ft. 7 in. tall and weighed all of 114 pounds; strawberry blond hair, straight teeth, and clear complexion - I would go to bars and men would run the other way; I remember thinking to myself "what the hell is wrong with me". People would say men were intimidated, but I did not buy that at all, I was fun and outgoing and very confident - so I am sorry to say this, I just think guys can be jerks.

Have got to agree - I was never short of suitors at my highest weight (17 stone) Now, at 11 stone, I'm not finding it easy to meet men. In fact, a lot of the men I meet prefer very curvaceous - even obese - women. Horses for courses ) I'm happier in myself now, so that's what counts.

Nina74

It's not just the club....it's everywhere.

I work in a male dominated field and when colleagues from our other locations come to our office, they completely do not "see" me ......even to say hello! They will, however, go right to my very skinny colleague (even though they are supposed to come to me & they know this). I am very confident at work, and yet, a big majority of the male colleagues who visit our office don't see me/talk to me. The ones that treat everyone the same, are the truly nice, normal among them! I don't care either way. Makes less work for me. :laugh:

machinegun74

If you had the body of a swimsuit model would you be interested in a 300lb guy?