Fat people are invisible somehow.
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Mean people suck.0
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I agree with the confidence comment
Also, who are WE looking at? Are we looking at the "Jock" or the "Nerd"?
When I was overweight, I didn't feel as Fat as I was.... I think that was confidence. However, I was and still am attracted to "Beautiful Bodies". Those guys wouldn't look at me. The ones I didn't find attractive would try to get my attention. Now, I'm attracting the men I find attractive. However, "beautiful body" doesn't mean they are "beautiful people".
Not offense to the Jocks or Nerds. :laugh: :flowerforyou:0 -
It's all about how you feel about yourself.
I have a friend who is thirty, but has never been kissed or had a boyfriend. She's overweight, but she has lovely red hair and crystal clear blue eyes. She's very pretty- just try telling her that. I know that a DIFFERENT person in her body would have no problem finding someone to be with her. She thinks men are shallow and don't like her because of her weight, but I've tried to set her up with guys before only to have her brush them off because THEY were too short, or too fat, or whatever. She sort of lives in a fantasy world, and unless a guy looks like a Backstreet Boy or Orlando Bloom, she's not interested.
I also have friends MUCH bigger than her who are in happy relationships. I firmly believe it's not her SIZE that hinders her- it's her personality.
In my case, I've never had a hard time getting attention when I go out, regardless of my size. However, I definitely get MORE attention when I'm thin. I has nothing to do with how I look, but how I feel about myself. When I'm bigger, I cover myself up. I may as well have '*kitten* off!' tattooed on my forehead. I don't want to be touched or looked at. When I am smaller, I feel good about myself and I have an inner glow that attracts people. (Not that I actively look to meet people anyways since I'm not single, but hey, I still go out with the girls once in a while!)
The reason I know attention has nothing to do with my size is because at my smallest, I was 125 and felt GREAT. I had no trouble getting attention whatsoever. When I went from 125 to 145, I felt fat and disgusting. Nobody would look at me- because I didn't want them to. Then I had my second son, and was 184.... I couldn't believe how gross and disgusting I "was". My perception of myself was so bad... needless to say, I never got complimented on my appearance, ever. Now I'm back down to 145 again- a weight that USED to make me feel bad about myself. Back then at 145, nobody would look twice at me because of the vibe I gave off. However, I recently went out with some friends and had TONNES of attention, people offering to buy me drinks, etc. I'm the same weight now I was back then- only now, I don't feel fat. I feel confident and happy, because I've LOST 40 pounds and I know how much better I look than I did before. My old 'fat' is my new 'skinny'- and as my attitude changed, so did my behavior. As my behavior and personality changed, so did the attention I received. It's all about what you put out there.0 -
I think that age makes you less visible. I was never overweight until I was in my 30's, so I don't have the experience of dating and clubs whilst overweight. I remember suddenly realising at about 20 the effect I could have on men, (I used to model a bit when I was younger and looking back had a drop dead figure) I remember guys literally drooling over me but as I got older this lessened as older guys are less 'overt' and also tend to be in relationships. I have a large bust and find that my FACE is invisible to many men, I have guys who just TALK to my chest, literally. My husband is a very tolerant guy, and rarely gets put out by this. I find that even though I am over weight, I still get attention from guys, usually older than I would like :laugh: but I am very bubbly and have a good sense of humour and I think it is that that gets you noticed. Try and be confident, it really is that which will get you noticed. Take a look around at married men, lots of married men are with overweight women, it is something that is strange but true. Men like to chat and flirt with thin girls, but they date and marry ones with something to hold onto.0
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Unfortunately I have to agree that fat people do become invisible. I've been there, am still there I think. It's very hard to deal with emotionally when you are being avoided solely because of your weight. I noticed that I have fewer and fewer friends as the pounds packed on. Since I'm married I'm not so concerned about getting hit on but I feel that people avoid me often. Women who are skinny often avoid talking to me when they are around which ultimately makes you feel like crap. If men do talk to you it's usually because they aren't attracted to you so you're a safe choice to spill all their problems out onto. I am wondering how people's reactions will change as I hopefully drop these pounds.
Great thread by the way!0 -
I think there are still a lot of shallow Hals out there , but sometimes it our own perception of how we look that turns people away. I read a lot of comments on here, where someone 20 pounds overweight calls themselves a fat cow or disgusting...I think it reflects in our behavior how we feel about ourselves and if we don't like ourselves then why would anybody else? I have about 150 pounds to loose and I don't feel that way at all. I have a lot of friends, am married ( and yes I was a size 16 when I met my husband), and if I ever mention my weight people tell me it doesn't matter.
I wear a smile most of the time, am quick to initiate conversations, emphasize(sp) with problems that other people have and love to make light in any kind of situation. The reason I am loosing weight is because of health reasons, getting older and wanting to be as fit as possible. Do I get looked at stupidly ? sure, but it makes me sad for a minute and then I just smile and think I am sooo blessed and am glad I don't have the problems that other person has.
I do get what I want most of the time, I might have to work a little harder for it, but it doesn't matter in the end.
Have a glorious day0 -
I definitely agree that it is a self confidence issue. But I also agree that it's a superficial issue too. The problem is created by both parties, with the overweight person shying away and feeling less confident around the skinny girls, and the guys and skinny girls avoiding the overweight person scared they are going to cause an awkward moment. Serious studies in sociology have revolved around this very subject in human interaction. But it's definitely not a secret that being young, thin, and beautiful has it's advantages in our society today.0
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It's no secret that attractive people get better treatment than unattractive. Supposedly (and of course, this could just have been promotional) Gwenyth Paltrow (sp?) went out in the fat suit from Shallow Hal just to see what happened. And she said she saw a very distinct difference in treatment. As far as people whispering, holding open doors, being polite, etc. Unfortunately, it's just true.
But you can't neglect the confidence factor. I have a friend who I can NOT go out with. Ever. Seriously. I love her to death, but once you get out in public with her and away from her home or my home (her comfort zones) she shuts down. She's afraid people are looking at her or talking about her or what people think, so she doesn't talk much, won't socialize - she's even afraid to ask for another drink from the waiter! And while, yes, because of the above, it might be safe to assume that SOMEONE in the room has gone all a*hole on you, you can't let it prevent you from having fun in life and making friends with people that aren't jerks. People are more likely to talk about you because you're obviously a wet towel, than because you might need to shed a few pounds.
I've been very enclosed and self-conscious. I didn't get much attention then either. It was when I was more confident, outspoken and willing to have fun (and 20 pounds heavier than my self-conscious weight) that I drew attention, especially from the opposite sex. In fact, it was then that I met/married my husband, who has ALWAYS said I'm beautiful.
Bottom line - if someone in the room is going "Ugh, look at the fat chick" then is that a person you really care about? Is their opinion of value to you? Leave them to miss out on your opinions and fun ideas and move on with your life.0 -
I think it's not only confidence but also my perception of other's actions and comments toward me.
60 pounds ago, if someone hit on me, or whistled at me I would've assumed they were being sarcastic & mean.
Now I assume they're serious. :laugh:
I used to overanalyze everything on social situations. I could *not* enjoy myself at all, even if I was full of liquid courage. Everything seemed like a personal attack. If I was walking on the sidewalk and someone walking toward me crossed the street, it wasn't because they had somewhere to go on the other side of the street, it was because I was fat. If someone let the door slam in my face, it wasn't because they didn't see me, it was because I was fat. If someone didn't talk to me at a party, it wasn't because I was being shy & standing next to the wall trying to blend in, it was because I was fat.
This is the same thing people do with all kinds of personal characteristics -- race, sexuality, religion, gender, etc. I've noticed my gay friends blame EVERYTHING bad that happens to them on the fact that they're homosexual. My brown & black friends blame it on racism. I blame it on being fat. We use those things as a crutch -- I guess as a way to not take accountability for what happens to us. Blame everything bad on something you have very little to no control over and everything good on something you have total control over. :laugh: Our minds play tricks on us.
These are all generalizaitons, of course, and I'm not denying that descrimination does happen by any stretch of the imagination! I just mean that a lot of times, our minds jump to that as the explanation when in reality, the situation had absolutely nothing to do with our physical appearance.0 -
You know, I used to feel this way. I was always conscious about the men that hit on my friends, or came to me to ask about them! So insulting!!!
But then I started looking at my friends as filters. To keep the shallow ones away. The ones that were only about the arm trophy, the "skinny b!tches". And sometimes, because my friends were sooo used to me NOT being hit on, that when I finally did express interest in someone, they were quick to JUMP on it, as though THEY knew I didn't have a chance. Again, HOW RUDE!
Then I found my sexy! and the confidence changed the game! I wasnt the girl that was trying too hard, the girl that was "hiding in the corner". I was hott! and the men came a-flocking! I havent lost much but I get sooo much attention now. I actually have options! Unfortuntely, what I do not have, is time to make USE of my options!!! LOL
Wow I hope you ditched these so-called "friends."
I was always the bigger one in my group of college friends, even though I wasn't really THAT big, I was bigger than them and and a very good portion of the girls that were out clubbing or hanging at the bar. However, in college I always had someone in rotation and usually back up on the back burner for once that fizzled. Seems like the past 10 years I have teetered between a string of flings and serious relationships because I crave male attention. I may not have always been the thinnest girl in the room or even the prettiest, but I'm pretty ballsy at times and have no problem going up to a guy I find attractive and flirting or giving non-subtle hints that I am interested and most of the time it works in my favor because people like confidence. Times when I was feeling down and didn't do this I have wound up going home more depressed than I was before because I didn't get the attention I wanted when all I had to do was take it.
I'll never forget in colege absolutely drooling over this guy that I thought was way out of my league. He was standing beside me at the bar and in an attempt to make conversation I asked him what his hat said. His response? "I kick *kitten*," My response: silence. I was kicking myself, "what does your hat say?" how incredibly lame? So later this girl is dancing with him and I'm thinking "you know, that could be me". So as the bar is closing she's telling him to call her. Once she leaves I swoop in and say "You know earlier when I asked you what your hat said? What I really meant to say is you can do better than that, and you should call me instead." And he did. (all is fair in love and war) It was a true victory in my eyes, as he was a stunt bmxer and oh so hot. Sure he turned out to be a prick with a gf. But the important part is that you just may be able to get that guy you've been eyeing as long as you approach him with confidence. However, most of the time, what you think you want isn't what you need or what's best for you. 0 -
This is the same thing people do with all kinds of personal characteristics -- race, sexuality, religion, gender, etc. I've noticed my gay friends blame EVERYTHING bad that happens to them on the fact that they're homosexual. My brown & black friends blame it on racism. I blame it on being fat. We use those things as a crutch -- I guess as a way to not take accountability for what happens to us. Blame everything bad on something you have very little to no control over and everything good on something you have total control over. :laugh: Our minds play tricks on us.
This is so true! I jokingly tell my friends all the time, "I'm not prejudice. I'm an equal opportunity hater!"
The fact is, if someone is mean to you, it's easy to blame it on the fact that you're fat or gay, or the 'wrong' color, or the 'wrong' gender, or religion or whatever- because that's beyond your control. People have a hard time admitting to themselves that maybe the reason they're receiving poor treatment is because of their own actions or behavior- and not who or what they are. It's a TOTAL crutch- something we do when we don't want to be accountable for our own destinies.
When people act mean to me, I never assume it's because of my weight. I usually assume it's because I'm pathologically shy and come off as a bit standoffish to people meeting me for the first time.0 -
You know, I used to feel this way. I was always conscious about the men that hit on my friends, or came to me to ask about them! So insulting!!!
But then I started looking at my friends as filters. To keep the shallow ones away. The ones that were only about the arm trophy, the "skinny b!tches". And sometimes, because my friends were sooo used to me NOT being hit on, that when I finally did express interest in someone, they were quick to JUMP on it, as though THEY knew I didn't have a chance. Again, HOW RUDE!
Then I found my sexy! and the confidence changed the game! I wasnt the girl that was trying too hard, the girl that was "hiding in the corner". I was hott! and the men came a-flocking! I havent lost much but I get sooo much attention now. I actually have options! Unfortuntely, what I do not have, is time to make USE of my options!!! LOL
Wow I hope you ditched these so-called "friends."
I didnt ditch them because I think women behave like this from a place of weakness and insecurity. And I am no one to judge. But I am one to do it on return to teach a valuable lesson: It sucks more for the "fat girl" to steal your "prize" than it does for "you" to do it to "me"!
Needless to say, they dont do it anymore! Then again, we arent that close anymore so maybe I just dont notice it anymore! Either way, I win!!! LOL0 -
Unfortunately looks do count, especially in a club setting where most single women and men go to mingle with the opposite sex in hopes of hooking up for a night or a relationship. In this scenario looks are the only thing, at first. They are what attract people to one another. You cant look accross the room and say, "Ill be right back Jim, that girl has such amazing acedemic skills that I just have to get her number"... it's just not gonna happen. So while I feel your pain, I think the club is the wrong place to be judging how everyone else is judging people on their looks... its just the way it is.0
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... it would be like going to the zoo and getting insulted when the Rhino's hump.... it' was gonna happen and you knew it!0
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No this is so true. and you know what i hate the most is when you tell your skinny friends about it they just say, "oh they were just being *kitten*" but those same guys were paying plenty of attention to the skinny ones. idk some people are different and dont care about the weights thing, like im lucky enough to have found someone that loves me for me and lets me know everyday how beautiful i am. but there are and there will always be those *kitten* out there that only care about the size of your clothes. but you know what when we look good and they start to pay attention to them rub t in there face and walk away cuase those kinds of people are not worth any of our time0
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Agreed!![...] so I am sorry to say this, I just think guys can be jerks.
Carrie... Thanks for sharing that. A lot of what you said really resonated with me. Sometimes I feel like the world is out to get me, but when I change my attitude, I notice that there are actually a lot of great people out there waiting for me to have a great conversation with.
Fact: Most strangers are very open to having a nice conversation with you. I think they are just afraid to start it.
gabi_ele... That is an excellent statement. I loved reading your post.I think it reflects in our behavior how we feel about ourselves and if we don't like ourselves then why would anybody else?
JennyLynn... That's a great bottom line.
LittleSpy... That reminds me of a quote I read a long time ago, about how we see ourselves the way we THINK other people see us. The same goes for the way we behave. I still over-analyze everything. It's obviously easier to make excuses based on "being fat" rather than have to work on our personalities, like you said. Which one's easier? There's another saying: people are more motivated to take action by pain, than by pleasure. I think that's Anthony Robbins. :laugh:I think it's not only confidence but also my perception of other's actions and comments toward me.
YOU ARE ALL SO INSPIRING!!! :smooched:
Shallow Hal has been mentioned a few times. I say we all go out at read "Unlimited Power" by Anthony Robbins. I read it when I was 13, and I think it's about time to go back and read it again. :laugh:0 -
A great quote from Eleanor Roosevelt "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."0
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You can't change other people's perceptions of you. What you have to change is your perception of yourself. You are doing the best things you can for yourself. You are losing weight and you are exercising. You are getting healthy and probably feeling a lot more energetic. As your perception of yourself improves, other's perceptions will come back around. However, this isn't for them. This is for you. This is for you to look and feel better. Don't tie your self-concept to any numbers on the scale. Go by how you feel and the improvements you are making in yourself. It might take some time but just don't give up. You can do this.0
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I think it's a lack of confidence that makes a person invisible. When I was 14ish I was pretty heavy, and I felt so bad about myself...the boys stopped noticing me because I didn't want to be noticed. I'm 18 now and I've recovered from my self-hate stage and surprise, surprise - I'm getting noticed all the time. It took a few years for me to realize how beautiful I really am, and I had to come to terms with that before I could start losing weight. I used to feel like I had to lose the weight to be pretty, now I know I am anyway. Now I have a very cute (and relatively in shape) boyfriend. I'm not exactly fat, but I have plenty to lose...but I swear the boy doesn't even seem to notice! "Let's hike that trail over there!" He's really pushing me to things I didn't know I could do, I really love it. But, I still feel a little bit self-conscious about my body...so I get nervous the closer he wants to be. I really need to just accept that he finds me attractive and get over myself!0
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Unfortunately looks do count, especially in a club setting where most single women and men go to mingle with the opposite sex in hopes of hooking up for a night or a relationship. In this scenario looks are the only thing, at first. They are what attract people to one another. You cant look accross the room and say, "Ill be right back Jim, that girl has such amazing acedemic skills that I just have to get her number"... it's just not gonna happen. So while I feel your pain, I think the club is the wrong place to be judging how everyone else is judging people on their looks... its just the way it is.
I agree with this. The men in clubs are often there to pick up something hot and fast! I don't pick up in clubs; I have a good figure and a pretty face (not lacking in confidence either, ha ha), but I am not a 'dolly bird' with her tits and *kitten* hanging out so the sleazy weasels looking for a one night stand don't bother me. This doesn't bother me in the slightest because I rock and I don't need their attention to know that :glasses:0
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