how to deal with saboteurs?
nashsheri33
Posts: 225 Member
i feel like there are people everywhere i go who would love to sabotage my efforts. i'm not referring to those who do not know (i can go anywhere and eat anything because i don't eat 'diet'-type foods. nobody can tell i'm on a diet simply by looking at what i eat.) because obviously if they do not know, they can not decide to be either supportive or harmful.
i'm talking about those dear, sweet ladies at the office. or at the sunday school potluck. even some of my own family members and close friends!
until last month, i worked in a cafe. we made almost everything from scratch. the boss would roast the seasoned chicken thighs, pull the meat from the bones, and chop the meat for chicken salad. and as he was de-boning, he would yank off the crispy skin and try to get me to eat it.
i have tried to fend off these 'loving' advances by saying things like:
no thank you, i can't eat that.
no, thanks, i don't want any
no, i'm trying to lose weight
no, that's not good for me
no, that will probably make me sick
no, that will give me diarrhea
no thanks, the doctor doesn't want me to eat that
no thanks, i'm diabetic
and incredibly, people argue!
sure you can eat this!
what do you mean you don't want any? it's delicious!
just a little won't hurt anything
you don't need to lose weight, you look fine!
but i made it just for you!
well, you ate it the last time i made it.
are you mad at me, is that why you won't eat?
well, your doctor's not here, and what he doesn't know won't hurt him.
oh, pooh, one little cupcake won't kill you.
and, incredibly:
you must not love me any more. you won't eat my food.
REALLY?
i used to give in. but not any more.
no thank you, i'm not hungry
no thanks, i'm having bloodwork later
no thanks.
NO. (glare.)
most of these people do not have evil intentions. some are just not thinking. some do not want me to feel excluded. but some of them are manipulative bullies.
they make me angry.
so how do you deal with this?
i'm talking about those dear, sweet ladies at the office. or at the sunday school potluck. even some of my own family members and close friends!
until last month, i worked in a cafe. we made almost everything from scratch. the boss would roast the seasoned chicken thighs, pull the meat from the bones, and chop the meat for chicken salad. and as he was de-boning, he would yank off the crispy skin and try to get me to eat it.
i have tried to fend off these 'loving' advances by saying things like:
no thank you, i can't eat that.
no, thanks, i don't want any
no, i'm trying to lose weight
no, that's not good for me
no, that will probably make me sick
no, that will give me diarrhea
no thanks, the doctor doesn't want me to eat that
no thanks, i'm diabetic
and incredibly, people argue!
sure you can eat this!
what do you mean you don't want any? it's delicious!
just a little won't hurt anything
you don't need to lose weight, you look fine!
but i made it just for you!
well, you ate it the last time i made it.
are you mad at me, is that why you won't eat?
well, your doctor's not here, and what he doesn't know won't hurt him.
oh, pooh, one little cupcake won't kill you.
and, incredibly:
you must not love me any more. you won't eat my food.
REALLY?
i used to give in. but not any more.
no thank you, i'm not hungry
no thanks, i'm having bloodwork later
no thanks.
NO. (glare.)
most of these people do not have evil intentions. some are just not thinking. some do not want me to feel excluded. but some of them are manipulative bullies.
they make me angry.
so how do you deal with this?
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Replies
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I have this problem with my family. I never go out in search of "bad" foods; I love to cook my own meals and eat healthy. Unfortunately, my parents are constantly bringing fast food, ice cream, bakery items, etc. home as "treats". I always ask them not to fill the house with junk food when I am trying so hard to eat healthy, but they continue to do it anyway. Occasionally I give in and join them, which gets me even more upset because I would never seek that kind of food on my own. It's very difficult to resist temptation every single day. I finally broke down the other day and accused them of purposefully sabotaging my weight-loss effort. I feel like I won't be able to lose all the weight I want until I am out of this environment (luckily I am moving out soon).
When your problem environment is your job, it's a little more difficult to just remove yourself. I feel like just being able to say no and stay firm, like you did, is your best solution. I guess it is hard for other people to realize what they are doing and how difficult it is for the person trying to lose weight.
Good luck,
Katy0 -
I turn it around on them, I'll eat your thing when you eat my steamed chard. That worked the last time, and it hasn't come up again.0
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Unfortunately I've had to fib to certain people who just won't let up.
"I just ate and I'm stuffed" works most of the time.
People are usually terrified of vomit, so feigning nausea works especially well when you are at their house.
"I'm deathly allergic, my throat closes up and I can't breathe..."
"Did you hear the new study about that stuff? it causes___(fill in the blank)___
"I can only eat gluten-free. Do you have it in gluten-free?" (Don't worry- they never do.)
Add em to your arsenal. Good luck!0 -
No such thing as a saboteur0
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Just keep repeating your first answers. And look at it this way, if you can say no to them, then you can say no any time you're faced with the sweet trolley and it will be good learning for the future once you've reached your goal weight. Keep being firm, they're probably just jealous because they can't say no.
Or think of more come backs:
sure you can eat this! - No I can't, I'm trying to lose weight.
what do you mean you don't want any? it's delicious! - It looks delicious and as much as I'd love to eat it, I'm trying to lose weight.
just a little won't hurt anything - It would hurt my diet as I'm trying to lose weight.
you don't need to lose weight, you look fine! - I may look fine on the outside but my heart won't love me for it (who needs to know?)
but i made it just for you! - The thought is really appreciated but I'm trying to lose weight.
well, you ate it the last time i made it. - That was before the diet started and it was delicious but now I'm trying to lose weight.
are you mad at me, is that why you won't eat? - No, I'm just trying to lose weight
well, your doctor's not here, and what he doesn't know won't hurt him. - He will know when I next steps on his scales.
oh, pooh, one little cupcake won't kill you. - It won't kill me but it won't help with my weight loss either.0 -
My bf's daughter is kind of a food pusher. She always wants me to eat unhealthy stuff with her and will ask over and over again. Sometimes she gets her feelings hurt if I won't eat chocolate, cookies, carbs, etc with her. I will tell her, I'm sorry, I can't eat cookies on my diet unless I make them special and low carb. Then I will eat bacon or something and she will say, wow, you can have bacon, but not a cookie? And I will say yes, because it is sugar free and (blah, blah, blah...). Although I know she means well and just wants me to go back to being her junk-food-buddy, I just continue to say, no thank you. until she stops asking. Sometimes I will have to turn down the exact same thing (on the same occasion) six or seven times. Literally. But, I just roll with it.
I don't care what kind of stuff they keep in the house, cookies, cinnamon rolls, bread, chips, ice cream, etc. They can eat whatever and I am (most often) not tempted. I don't push healthy or low carb stuff on them and I just try to ignore it otherwise.
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It was my boss's birthday today and they had cakes and sweets from my favorite local bakery...I wanted one and usually I would take a really small piece but for some reason today I just said no and it felt good saying no and not eating those extra calories, my boss was surprisingly super offended that I didn't partake in the sweets. It was so strange, I just wasn't used to it I guess since that's the first time it has happened to me.0
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No such thing as a saboteur
Truth.
No one makes my choices, but me.
Also, someone offering you cake is not sabotage. That's nice. I always just make my birthday party guests watch me eat my entire cake. It is MY birthday.0 -
Girl I hear that. Every time I go over my aunt's house she tries to give me cookies, dessert, pizza, anything. When I say no she gets upset. I feel like she is sabotaging me because she was fat and lost a lot of weight, but gained some back. Now I've lost about 30 pounds and am smaller then her and maybe she is resentful. Why can't people just get that you don't want to be big?!0
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I say "no thanks," nothing more. If they press, "no thanks" again. I don't give them a reason to argue.
They aren't responsible for what you eat, you are, so don't let yourself feel guilty about it.0 -
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I completely understand and empathize. I have a stomach condition that makes it so I physically can not eat some foods as I can not digest them. TRY to explain that to people without offending them. No, I do not eat at restaurants because I need to know how the food is prepared. No, I do not hate you because I won't go out to eat with you. I try to not revolve my life around what I eat- let's do something else instead.
Your answers are spot on. Sometimes if folks argue with them, it's because they wish they had your willpower. I once did that, argued and it wasn't to sabotage necessarily, but to make me feel better about my choice to have that piece of cake.0 -
I have this same problem. One of my friends keeps telling me "You only live once, better enjoy it". So annoying, but I just kept ignoring it. Finally one day, I replied back with "You're right, I do only live once, and I choose to live healthy so that I can enjoy it." She finally shut up.0
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No such thing as a saboteur
Truth.
No one makes my choices, but me.
Also, someone offering you cake is not sabotage. That's nice. I always just make my birthday party guests watch me eat my entire cake. It is MY birthday.
^This.
And a quote from my profile that actually comes from someone on MFP that really sums up these types of "situations" and reminds me that I am responsible for ME....
"Stop being weak, only weak people allow themselves to be sabotaged" - MFPer Acg670 -
My boyfriend was trying to sabotage my efforts of losing some inches in certain places by buying me candy bars and really unhealthy foods. He tried to make me feel guilty for going to the gym and would kind of give me the cold shoulder. He wasnt even interested in hearing how my time at the gym was or my calorie intake for the day etc. After a week I had enough and I told him I was not just doing this for me but our children as well and id appreciate it if he would support me and I walked away giving him time to think. Since then hes been amazing! Tell them how you feel. They may not realize how what theyre doing and saying effects you.0
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Love these!
Just keep repeating your first answers. And look at it this way, if you can say no to them, then you can say no any time you're faced with the sweet trolley and it will be good learning for the future once you've reached your goal weight. Keep being firm, they're probably just jealous because they can't say no.
Or think of more come backs:
sure you can eat this! - No I can't, I'm trying to lose weight.
what do you mean you don't want any? it's delicious! - It looks delicious and as much as I'd love to eat it, I'm trying to lose weight.
just a little won't hurt anything - It would hurt my diet as I'm trying to lose weight.
you don't need to lose weight, you look fine! - I may look fine on the outside but my heart won't love me for it (who needs to know?)
but i made it just for you! - The thought is really appreciated but I'm trying to lose weight.
well, you ate it the last time i made it. - That was before the diet started and it was delicious but now I'm trying to lose weight.
are you mad at me, is that why you won't eat? - No, I'm just trying to lose weight
well, your doctor's not here, and what he doesn't know won't hurt him. - He will know when I next steps on his scales.
oh, pooh, one little cupcake won't kill you. - It won't kill me but it won't help with my weight loss either.0 -
I make it about me, not the diet.
No ,thank you. Period.
No reason given.
If they tell me I am being rude, I will either shrug and walk away or let them know that not respecting my choice is rude.
If they tell me it is delicious, I just say "I am sure it is."
Basically, if they keep insisting, I walk away, if possible, or just tell them my decision is final and I would appreciate it if they dropped the subject.0 -
No such thing as a saboteur
^^ this. As some chick around here once said, "This is not WWII and you are not a munitions filled train."0 -
There is such a thing as saboteurs, but most people on these boards are just complaining because the people around them didn't radically change their behavior when the new dieter did.
How dare other people offer you a donut when you ate them three at a time a month ago?!
How dare other people eat snacks?
How dare the whole world not adapt to your new lifestyle?!0 -
http://www.nerdfitness.com/blog/2013/02/22/meeting-people-through-fitness/ <~ I read this article earlier and it talks a little about what you're saying.
Basically as a society, a lot of us are just sort of stumbling through life, trying to make things as convenient as possible (whether it's healthy or not), and we don't like to be reminded that maybe that's not the way it should be. When we see others making healthy choices, it makes us uncomfortable because we know we should probably be caring more, too. So instead of realizing and changing ourselves (which may eventually happen), we try to undermine that person and make them more like us to remove the discomfort.
In the end, just do what you do. It can be annoying but your results will speak for themselves, and the people around you may not outwardly acknowledge it but in time they will start to consider their own choices a little more once they see your happiness and success.
Best of luck.0 -
No such thing as a saboteur
Truth.
No one makes my choices, but me.
Also, someone offering you cake is not sabotage. That's nice. I always just make my birthday party guests watch me eat my entire cake. It is MY birthday.
Yeppers! Cake should be eaten occasionally, and so should pie. Those aren't "bad" foods. They are "sometimes" foods. Like don't eat a big slice of cake on the same day you hit up the all-you-can-eat buffet. At the potlucks, cut the slice in half and just eat half, then you can tell the baker how yummy it is. When I do potlucks, I put approximately one bite of each thing on my plate.0 -
I am my own worst enemy and saboteur.0
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I don't think they're trying to sabotage you, it sounds more like they're in the mindset of diet = misery, so they're trying to "help" you by "letting" you have a break from it. A lot of people are in this mindset. When you say "I can't eat that because..." they hear "I'd really like to eat that but I'm not allowed to and I'm forcing myself to be good against my wishes" and so they see it as giving you permission to do what you really want to do.
You can't really change other peoples' mindset, but you can change how you put it to them, so they'll leave you alone.
"no thanks, I'm totally stuffed after my lunch"
"no thanks, I'm not in the mood for anything sweet right now"
or
"I'm really full/not in the mood, but can I take one for later?" --- then throw it in the bin later when they're not looking, and if they ask, tell them it was delicious.
that way they get the message "I don't really want this" and they leave you alone.0 -
Cute post! I can relate to this!0
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this!
Just keep repeating your first answers. And look at it this way, if you can say no to them, then you can say no any time you're faced with the sweet trolley and it will be good learning for the future once you've reached your goal weight. Keep being firm, they're probably just jealous because they can't say no.
Or think of more come backs:
sure you can eat this! - No I can't, I'm trying to lose weight.
what do you mean you don't want any? it's delicious! - It looks delicious and as much as I'd love to eat it, I'm trying to lose weight.
just a little won't hurt anything - It would hurt my diet as I'm trying to lose weight.
you don't need to lose weight, you look fine! - I may look fine on the outside but my heart won't love me for it (who needs to know?)
but i made it just for you! - The thought is really appreciated but I'm trying to lose weight.
well, you ate it the last time i made it. - That was before the diet started and it was delicious but now I'm trying to lose weight.
are you mad at me, is that why you won't eat? - No, I'm just trying to lose weight
well, your doctor's not here, and what he doesn't know won't hurt him. - He will know when I next steps on his scales.
oh, pooh, one little cupcake won't kill you. - It won't kill me but it won't help with my weight loss either.0 -
I deal with this all the time with my step grandma 24/7. at the church pot luck she was barking at my not eating sweets making fun of me for eating strawberries. I said sorry I can't afford to eat sweets I learned in a nutrition class eating to many sweets causes strokes so you probably don't want to eat sweets either. that is probably why you started having strokes this year.
and everytime she makes fun of me for my eating I say well eating this way and all the problems you complain about are caused by a poor diet. if you would eat properly you wouldn't have the problems you do now.0 -
I understand where you, the OP, are coming from. I had an old boyfriend who was a food pusher. Whenever I got serious about losing weight, he suddenly had all of these cravings for really unhealthy food. He'd insist on going out and getting dinner when I wanted to stay home and cook. It was hurtful because I would talk to him about my weight loss efforts and goals, so he knew it was something that I was trying to do for myself. Then, of course, when HE got serious about losing weight, he would judge me for indulging myself in a sometimes food and shame me for not going to the gym as often as I should have when I had busy weeks. Good thing I'm not dating him anymore! :P
I agree that one would be hard pressed to find people that are actually deliberately trying to derail your new lifestyle choices, but I don't necessarily agree with the claims that there is "no such thing as saboteurs." I don't necessarily think it's a good strategy to just say "oh, if I give in, I'm weak" because tearing yourself down like that does not help in the long run (come on, we're all human, nobody is ever perfect 100% of the time). I just think it's best to be aware of people in your life that will push temptations in your path on your weight loss journey, and it's up to you to decide how to handle those people. They may not have evil intentions, but they're definitely doing something on the sub-conscious level. It's also important to be aware of people who will help you along the way on your journey, and they can help you with facing temptations.0 -
The problem is with setting precedents. My father shoes affection by cooking for you, which became quite problematic. I explained many times that the satisfaction of eating something unhealthy is nothing compared to the guilt that follows it. He said I do so much sport, I said I don't wanna do it in vain. And this went on and on.
Eventually, I reached a point where the guilting got too much and I said I come less frequently to visit because I'm anxious about being stuffed with food a week in advance, and the following week I have to starve myself to compensate. Add a few tears and the melodrama worked. (Don't worry, I'm not stressed about it, but I just couldn't prove the point)
Eventually, my family and friends adapted. They would say "look, I'm really in the mood for some junk food today. How about we meet for breakfast tomorrow instead of lunch today?"
But then, come my birthday I slipped up. I ate some of my birthday cake (3 slices worth of it...) which my father took as a sign that I'm ready to trash my diet again. For two months, I'm still trying to erase that precedent I set on my birthday, even though the situation is ridiculous.
So, my advice is this:
Step 1: Muster all your strength and be consistent in denying unhealthy food. I may not slip up in the presence of any of those saboteurs, cos you'll just confirm their expectation of you.
Step 2: Use some time related-excuses: "I will not have processed sugar till next week. I'm sure you caught me on a bad day, but I'll make it up to you later"
"I'm training for a race in may and eating healthy is my primary objective"
"X made a bet that I can't lose weight by this date, and if I give in now I will not reach this goal"
This works because it's easier for the people in your life to accept a delay, rather than a clear refusal. Also, if you can pick some goal they can support you with, it's even better: "I need to prove to myself that I can refrain from snacking and I need your support in this"
Step 3: Cultivate their expectations. In time, you'll have a sort of a new identity, You'll be the person the works out and eats healthy, and people will accept you as you are. You're not only changing yourself, but you are changing how others see you, and that's an important step. When your friends and family expect you to act in a certain way, expect you to avoid unhealthy food, it will much easier to do so.
Step 4: Never compromise your new image, Of course, we all need cheat days, we need refeed days, and little breaks. BUT others don't see all the work you've put into it, don't see your diet in perspective. They see you indulge once and assume you do that all the time.
So, when in public, act in accordance with your image no matter what! If you smoke one cigarette but some coworker sees you, they assume you smoke.
O course, this is very hard, especially when you feel like you should have your moments of indulgence in the company of friends and family. But if you do that, try to explain that this is your reward meal after 2 weeks of discipline.
Step 5: Use step 4 as motivation. Once you know how a slip up can mess up with your friends' support of your effort, use that knowledge to motivate yourself into not slipping up. My nutrition is absolute perfection around my father, because I know one slip up will make him look at me as if i'm not consistent with my goals.0 -
in response to those who have mentioned that there is no such thing as a saboteur: i understand what you are saying, but i respectfully disagree. allow me to 'splain. perhaps our difference in opinion comes from the definition. i do not define 'saboteur' as someone offering delicious treats or any other food in a friendly manner - some people are naturally hospitable and would be happy to share with the world. it is then MY RESPONSIBILITY to accept or decline. nobody can make that decision for me. if i choose to accept, it does not make the other person a saboteur.
i define 'saboteur' as someone who, intentionally, with evil intent, knowingly tries to undermine my determination to keep my blood sugar under control, lose some weight, and become healthier. if i decline, a saboteur will then argue with me, try to manipulate me, or somehow 'punish' me if i don't give in. because of course it is a POWER STRUGGLE and has nothing to do with food.
they may be saboteurs (according to my own definition), but i am the only one who can make them SUCCESSFUL saboteurs. but yes, they do exist.
i would like to be treated with respect. if i say,'no thank you', that's what i mean. if i say, 'yes, thank you', that's what i mean.
what i am trying to say is that i would like people, if they are not going to actively work with me, to at least not actively work against me. of course i am not asking anything of anyone that i would not be willing to do myself, so i would be more than happy to return the favor - i will allow you the dignity of making your own decisions, even if i do not always agree with your decision. please allow me the same dignity. you want to discuss my decisions? sure. that's reasonable. but please do not invalidate my health concerns in the process.
however, i can not change anybody else, even if they frustrate me to the point of posting about them!
thanks for 'listening', everybody. i feel better now.0 -
Bury them in the backyard. Done.0
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