how to deal with saboteurs?
Replies
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No such thing as a saboteur
This...the only person who can sabotage you is you.0 -
I am my own worst enemy and saboteur.
^ lol well duh you're the cookie monster. :laugh:0 -
No such thing as a saboteur
^^ this. As some chick around here once said, "This is not WWII and you are not a munitions filled train."
Thank you.0 -
One that works for me is, "No thanks. I've already had a treat today."
Another idea is, "I don't want to eat this, but if you have any veggies, I'll have some of those." or, "Your food looks great, but I've already eaten. Do you want to go for a walk with me after you're done eating?"
Usually, if you tell the person that you've already accounted for your food for the day, but you are still willing to participate in something with them, like another food, or a workout, or any alternative activity, they handle the news better. If you simply reject their food, they just feel rejected, like your diet is more important than their friendship. Switch the topic onto something else, and when you do talk about whatever else you've done or are going to do, show some enthusiasm for it.
Food is generally used as a gesture to socialize. If you send back another gesture to allow the person to be close to you without actually eating their calorie bomb, they usually accept.0 -
folks, before posting any more "there's no such thing as a saboteur" - type comments, please read my above response.
apparently i have caused some confusion. let me clarify:
i do not give in to temptation. if i make an unhealthy choice, i understand who is responsible. i am.
that is not why i call some people saboteurs. please read my above response.
i am not whining and complaining because i haven't been successful in my endeavor to live healthier and those 'meanies' and 'unsupportive' people that i can't get away from are the ones to blame -poor, poor, pitiful me! - no, i have actually been very successful, as a matter of fact.
i just get aggravated by them and instead of giving in to the urge to violently squash them all like bugs, i decided to vent. that is all.
thank you.0 -
No such thing as a saboteur
^^ this. As some chick around here once said, "This is not WWII and you are not a munitions filled train."
I remember that comment. :laugh: That was so awesome!0 -
i define 'saboteur' as someone who, intentionally, with evil intent, knowingly tries to undermine my determination to keep my blood sugar under control, lose some weight, and become healthier. if i decline, a saboteur will then argue with me, try to manipulate me, or somehow 'punish' me if i don't give in. because of course it is a POWER STRUGGLE and has nothing to do with food.
they may be saboteurs (according to my own definition), but i am the only one who can make them SUCCESSFUL saboteurs. but yes, they do exist.
i would like to be treated with respect. if i say,'no thank you', that's what i mean. if i say, 'yes, thank you', that's what i mean.
Yes, people need to respect the wishes of others. However, "with evil intent" is most likely pushing this much too far.0 -
This is the best answer I've seen on here. Well said
The problem is with setting precedents. My father shoes affection by cooking for you, which became quite problematic. I explained many times that the satisfaction of eating something unhealthy is nothing compared to the guilt that follows it. He said I do so much sport, I said I don't wanna do it in vain. And this went on and on.
Eventually, I reached a point where the guilting got too much and I said I come less frequently to visit because I'm anxious about being stuffed with food a week in advance, and the following week I have to starve myself to compensate. Add a few tears and the melodrama worked. (Don't worry, I'm not stressed about it, but I just couldn't prove the point)
Eventually, my family and friends adapted. They would say "look, I'm really in the mood for some junk food today. How about we meet for breakfast tomorrow instead of lunch today?"
But then, come my birthday I slipped up. I ate some of my birthday cake (3 slices worth of it...) which my father took as a sign that I'm ready to trash my diet again. For two months, I'm still trying to erase that precedent I set on my birthday, even though the situation is ridiculous.
So, my advice is this:
Step 1: Muster all your strength and be consistent in denying unhealthy food. I may not slip up in the presence of any of those saboteurs, cos you'll just confirm their expectation of you.
Step 2: Use some time related-excuses: "I will not have processed sugar till next week. I'm sure you caught me on a bad day, but I'll make it up to you later"
"I'm training for a race in may and eating healthy is my primary objective"
"X made a bet that I can't lose weight by this date, and if I give in now I will not reach this goal"
This works because it's easier for the people in your life to accept a delay, rather than a clear refusal. Also, if you can pick some goal they can support you with, it's even better: "I need to prove to myself that I can refrain from snacking and I need your support in this"
Step 3: Cultivate their expectations. In time, you'll have a sort of a new identity, You'll be the person the works out and eats healthy, and people will accept you as you are. You're not only changing yourself, but you are changing how others see you, and that's an important step. When your friends and family expect you to act in a certain way, expect you to avoid unhealthy food, it will much easier to do so.
Step 4: Never compromise your new image, Of course, we all need cheat days, we need refeed days, and little breaks. BUT others don't see all the work you've put into it, don't see your diet in perspective. They see you indulge once and assume you do that all the time.
So, when in public, act in accordance with your image no matter what! If you smoke one cigarette but some coworker sees you, they assume you smoke.
O course, this is very hard, especially when you feel like you should have your moments of indulgence in the company of friends and family. But if you do that, try to explain that this is your reward meal after 2 weeks of discipline.
Step 5: Use step 4 as motivation. Once you know how a slip up can mess up with your friends' support of your effort, use that knowledge to motivate yourself into not slipping up. My nutrition is absolute perfection around my father, because I know one slip up will make him look at me as if i'm not consistent with my goals.0 -
Will power is like a muscle, you have to work it to make it stronger.
Just tell them " no I don't want to eat that but thank you for your help strengthening my will power ":laugh:0 -
One that works for me is, "No thanks. I've already had a treat today."
Another idea is, "I don't want to eat this, but if you have any veggies, I'll have some of those." or, "Your food looks great, but I've already eaten. Do you want to go for a walk with me after you're done eating?"
Usually, if you tell the person that you've already accounted for your food for the day, but you are still willing to participate in something with them, like another food, or a workout, or any alternative activity, they handle the news better. If you simply reject their food, they just feel rejected, like your diet is more important than their friendship. Switch the topic onto something else, and when you do talk about whatever else you've done or are going to do, show some enthusiasm for it.
Food is generally used as a gesture to socialize. If you send back another gesture to allow the person to be close to you without actually eating their calorie bomb, they usually accept.
humm....well, this does make a lot of sense. perhaps if i acknowledge the effort and love that went into the food they would not feel rejected. but what about those that bring in store-bought cookies? ah, then they were thinking of me when they bought it, and i appreciate that so much...oh, i can do this.
thanks!0 -
i define 'saboteur' as someone who, intentionally, with evil intent, knowingly tries to undermine my determination to keep my blood sugar under control, lose some weight, and become healthier. if i decline, a saboteur will then argue with me, try to manipulate me, or somehow 'punish' me if i don't give in. because of course it is a POWER STRUGGLE and has nothing to do with food.
they may be saboteurs (according to my own definition), but i am the only one who can make them SUCCESSFUL saboteurs. but yes, they do exist.
i would like to be treated with respect. if i say,'no thank you', that's what i mean. if i say, 'yes, thank you', that's what i mean.
Yes, people need to respect the wishes of others. However, "with evil intent" is most likely pushing this much too far.
you only say that because you haven't met my M-I-L! seriously though, she's not evil, but there are some that are. sadly, some people feel accomplished and happy, or at least less miserable, if they can do damage to others. there is something wrong with that, but i'm not a professional, so i don't know how to deal. you are right, though, my exaggeration is unnecessary.0 -
Will power is like a muscle, you have to work it to make it stronger.
Just tell them " no I don't want to eat that but thank you for your help strengthening my will power ":laugh:
aha! i can get stronger even if i'm not at the gym! :happy:0 -
Change your "don't" "no" to positives.
Like "I want to eat vegetables instead" "I want to wait to eat later". "I want to avoid that". " I would rather have skinny cow ice cream" <-- I used this last week at my dad's house while they ate brownies
Stay positive, the rest is easy.0 -
99.9% of the time, I'm all in with those who say there's no saboteurs, food is a social lubricant, they don't live in your head so how do they know you've stopped eating doughnuts every single day and so forth.
But I do know someone with evil intent (my mother, actually) and she does everything she can to undermine what I'm doing. She competes, so when I do something better ( lose more weight, do more time at the gym, wear a nicer dress, have a better job, whatever) she either one-ups me, or trys to destroy what I've accomplished. She will actually cry/yell/scream/pout if I do not eat what she has offered, either in person or take pictures of me eating it when she sends it to me. (We live far away from each other, guess why?)
I do realise though that's not the norm in life. Most people won't have someone who is, frankly, mentally ill and determined to keep you down as a result of that. (Borderlines are so much fun to deal with, not.) It's not just food related but of course she installed all my food issues and knows how to manipulate them and me.
So yeah, there are 'saboteurs', but so rare and far between that I accept the statement that there are none to be absolutely true for nearly all of the population.
As it turns out, moving to another country was mostly sufficent to stop mine from undermining me. Mostly. 0 -
No such thing as a saboteur
^^ Right there this isn't high school if you give in to the pressure you are not committed to yourself. At my office they are always eating out at lunch or have cookies donuts candy everywhere all the time. I just walk right by. I know if Im going to be around in 10 yrs this is what I have to do, no if ands or butts about it. Its my choice to not eat those things if I want to live longer and lose this weight that I put on eating everything and anything that got in front of me. This isn't a diet this IS a life style change.0 -
alexfit12, i like what you have said. thank you for saying it.0
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Change your "don't" "no" to positives.
Like "I want to eat vegetables instead" "I want to wait to eat later". "I want to avoid that". " I would rather have skinny cow ice cream" <-- I used this last week at my dad's house while they ate brownies
Stay positive, the rest is easy.
that is a good idea. perhaps i have been rather negative lately. (cranky because i need more food? ha,ha! healthy food, of course!)0 -
Bury them in the backyard. Done.
does that count as yardwork? how many calories do i burn doing that?
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I always say I just ate a big sandwich. :laugh:0
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ugh...I get it...my dh has been the same size since i met him 30 plus years ago....30' waist....I am obese. He comment that I should lose wight ...and remarks about foods i eat...yet when i am trying to change "OUR" eating habits he complains there are not sweets or chips in the house...I didn't get any goodies. It's so hard to sit next to him and watch television and not eat the Doritos he's mowing down on. He doesn't mean to drive me crazy with food but he has no clue how hard it is for a person with an eating disorder to control these things esp at first.0
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No such thing as a saboteur
Was just about to post the exact same thing. I work with a very nice lady who always brings donuts for every holiday. Valentine's, St. Patrick's, Mardi Gras...you name it. She pressures us to eat them and sometimes I've caved to that pressure, but I never thought of her as a saboteur. I made the decision consciously. She didn't hold a gun to my head and neither do the people who pressure anyone else.0 -
No such thing as a saboteur
^^ Right there this isn't high school if you give in to the pressure you are not committed to yourself. At my office they are always eating out at lunch or have cookies donuts candy everywhere all the time. I just walk right by. I know if Im going to be around in 10 yrs this is what I have to do, no if ands or butts about it. Its my choice to not eat those things if I want to live longer and lose this weight that I put on eating everything and anything that got in front of me. This isn't a diet this IS a life style change.
sir, i understand what you are saying. i basically said the same in a previous post. i don't really have trouble resisting temptation. i have made up my mind, and that's it.
but occasionally people bother me, and i just wanted to vent. i'm not a victim, blaming my poor choices on others. when i eat a piece of cake, i plan for it. or, i burn off the extra calories with additional exercise. this ain't my first rodeo, so to speak, i've been diabetic for fifteen years. diabetes is relentless - and sometimes people are too, which is why i get so angry sometimes.
i like the words you used: committed to yourself. it reminds me that i can respect myself, even if others don't. thank you for these words.0 -
No such thing as a saboteur
Was just about to post the exact same thing. I work with a very nice lady who always brings donuts for every holiday. Valentine's, St. Patrick's, Mardi Gras...you name it. She pressures us to eat them and sometimes I've caved to that pressure, but I never thought of her as a saboteur. I made the decision consciously. She didn't hold a gun to my head and neither do the people who pressure anyone else.
no, i don't have trouble with people being nice. she sounds like a person with a generous heart, and someone like that i can appreciate. i still don't cave unless i want to - and i haven't done it yet.
but let's face it, some people are just mean. and, dangit, mean people suck.
it doesn't usually bother me, but this time it did, and i vented.0 -
I always say I just ate a big sandwich. :laugh:
ha,ha! that reminded me of the subway commercials that has the adults in the office speaking with childrens' voices! that poor man never gets to eat his sandwich!0 -
This.No such thing as a saboteur
You seem to think their attempts to feed you require a response. Explaining yourself to them is an act of submission and invites future dominant behavior. If you don't want people treating you like you're submissive, stop being submissive.0 -
I haven't had problems with my diet as yet, but I really get where you're coming from. I cannot tolerate alcohol or vinegar well. I have someone at work who feels it is his mission to get me to like some sort of alcoholic drink. Very nice in all other ways, but just won't let up. I have to get along with all my coworkers and again, in all other ways he is nice. Of course, I am never tempted because I really do get quite sick. I find it very frustrating. I have looked him firmly in the eye and said "It makes me nauseous", but it still doesn't work. I obviously haven't tried the right drink yet. Now I just don't respond when he brings it up.
Maybe with all my practice I'll now have no trouble with someone wanting me to eat something that doesn't fit with my plan for the day. 0 -
If you reward behavior, expect it to be repeated.perhaps if i acknowledge the effort and love that went into the food they would not feel rejected.0 -
No such thing as a saboteur
Truth.
No one makes my choices, but me.
Also, someone offering you cake is not sabotage. That's nice. I always just make my birthday party guests watch me eat my entire cake. It is MY birthday.
^This.
And a quote from my profile that actually comes from someone on MFP that really sums up these types of "situations" and reminds me that I am responsible for ME....
"Stop being weak, only weak people allow themselves to be sabotaged" - MFPer Acg67
^This, that and the other.0 -
Will power is like a muscle, you have to work it to make it stronger.
Just tell them " no I don't want to eat that but thank you for your help strengthening my will power ":laugh:
I like that ^ :flowerforyou:0 -
I just avoid anyone who cuts me down. I don't need the negativity. If people don't mean to sabotage, but are just well-meaning yet annoying, I'd give them a pass, but limit interaction. I have little patience for nonsense. But people who intentionally undermine me can go harass someone else. I have no use for them. Maybe I'm heartless. Oh well.0
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