Spousal sabotage

texmexmomma

My husband of 17 years (almost 18) is trying to sabotage all my hard work. I hope it's not intentional but I wonder. He never, ever, ever cooks, so I do all the cooking (& cleaning but what's new?) lately I have been working a lot more & since it takes me almost an hour to get home I would expect him to take the initiative & get some dinner under control on the nights he is home first. We have two kids & making them wait until almost 7 pm for dinner is ridiculous, granted they get home at 3:30 & always have a snack so they aren't starving but, seriously, WHAT THE FRAK?! So we have been eating out and of course that is not a good idea when you want to avoid processed foods & sugary drinks. So I try to make healthy choices like salad instead of fries, grilled chicken breast, no buns, water or tea.

Yesterday he went to the store to get cigs (which he was supposed to quit & has patches for sitting in the medicine cabinet) & when he comes back he's smiling and says "Babe I got your favorite" PORK RINDS or Chicharrones. Hell no, I cannot eat those & besides it was not my favorite brand or I might have eaten few even though I had given up on those damned things because they gave me heart burn. I was shocked considering that I had just told him the day before that I was not eating any chips at all & had finally decided to give up my nightly glass of merlot. He claims he got them on sale for 75 cents & that's the main reason he got them but I would rather have the money back. Just because it's cheap doesn't mean I have to buy it, right? He was kind of proud and was all "I picked these because they didn't look too thin or too hard, just right" Frankly he obviously never noticed I preferred the real ones which are hard and very greasy.

So what's your spouse or significant other trying to do to screw you (outside of bed of course) I can't wait to see what the hubby comes up with next. So far I have been able to resist.

einst3

Hes not mr wonderful but he did get them for you. i know its a bad idea when you have been working hard, but he is just trying to make you feel good. generosity is a good thing, means he does care and he thinks you have been doing a good job and deserve a little treat, even if its crappy. say thanks take them and deposit them in the bin. just dont let him see u do it. you just keep going strong. its ok to cheat a little here and then also. just not every week. if you want him to help cook, and you have enabled him not to cook, teach him some simple meals that everyone likes and he will feel like he is bringing the family together and doing his part, remember bees with honey. dont let it get to you. keep strong.

my partner wanted potato chips once a week and it took years to taper back. it was a hard nut to crack. although seeing that much being eaten it made me almost sick to see them, so it was easy for me to not touch them. you need to desensitize and not get caught up by visuals. We see so much in advertising its almost overwhelming. Its worse for kids because they see it as normal instead of just a once in a while snack like it should be.

brave on

yonky50

My husband of 35 yrs is very sweet but has the worst eating habits. Whats worse is that he has a small appetite and wants me to share his meal choice. Like Chips and Cheese deluxe or pizza with everything or chicken wings. For dinner at home he loves variety so its was not unusual for us to have 3 main dishes in one night (steak, shrimp, fish) and the same leftovers the next two nights. It always leads to overeating just because you try everything. When I started this diet at first he went along but after 2 months he's lost interest in healthy eating. I try to buy his favorites that I don't like or fix separate sides for me to keep me from eating the high calorie stuff but he hates that I am not eating what he eats. He also buys me my favorite candy bars but they are stacking up in the freezer so he's not buying them as much anymore. In time I think he will accept this new eating pattern or join me in eating healthy. I don't say anything about it, I just keep doing it.

The1iceQueen

It doesn't sound like he's really being mean, sounds like he's just lazy and doesn't want to cook. Easier to grab some fast food so he doesn't have to do anything. I don't know though, you know him best. If you can, maybe prepare your healthy meal the night before so you'll have it to eat when you get home, let him eat his unhealthy food if he wants. Having your own prepared and ready to eat would be of benefit to you.
Really hope no one takes this the wrong way but, I don't understand how people say another is trying to sabotage their weight loss, you the individual are in charge of losing or gaining weight. I understand it's human nature to want to blame it on something, but honestly, when it comes down to it, it's our own selves that are responsible for our well being. I understand there is influence, but we have to be accountable for ourselves.

Aleta7

Married 42 years and my husband has sabotaged me at every turn. If I mention I am on a diet he will bring home candy bars. He will cook large meals. He tries to get me to celebrate a loss with more food..it is a very hard thing to stay on a diet when those around you do not want you to change. I stand firm and quietly ignore the food. I have made him give away alot of the food he cooks as he makes huge amounts. But, I am on this diet for me not him.

weird_me2

So what's your spouse or significant other trying to do to screw you (outside of bed of course) I can't wait to see what the hubby comes up with next. So far I have been able to resist.

I'd like to suggest that maybe you work on your thinking and realize that your husband is most likely not trying to "screw you". When we have the victim mentality (i.e. my husband is trying to sabotage me, everyone keeps giving me cake, etc.), then it's really easy to play the victim. You make a poor eating choice and it's not your fault because everyone is out to get you. It's really hard to be successful long term if you want to continue playing the victim. You have to rely on yourself for the strength to do what you need to do, day in, day out, and you have to believe that you have the power to be successful if you want, no matter your circumstances.

FWIW, what you described does not sound like sabotage at all. You say you would "expect" your husband of 17 years to suddenly start cooking dinner because your schedule has changed. If you haven't discussed this with him, it's a no brainer. He hasn't cooked dinner in almost 20 years, he's not going to start reading your mind and suddenly start doing it. I would say that it's not necessarily a reasonable expectation for almost 2 decades of habit to change overnight. You have to sit down with him and work out a plan to have dinner on the table and ask him to follow through on this plan. Pick easy to cook meals and/or do some bulk cooking when you have the time. You also have to understand that he will not automatically learn to do something he's never done before overnight.

As for the snack thing, it sounds like he really was trying to be nice. If, over the past 17 years he's gotten in the habit of getting you snacks as a treat and you've eaten them (whether they were favorites or not), he's doing what has always been the right thing. Again, you have to explain to him that you appreaciate the gesture, but that you would like him to not buy those foods for you in the future. Even if he knows your goals, he still has no clue about "healthy" eating or anything. You can explain your plan until you're blue in the face, but unless you specifically say "don't buy XYZ for me", he's probably going to think he's doing the right thing.

I used to get frustrated with my DH when he wanted to cook his specialties (usually high fat, high calorie foods) and he would just tell me to eat smaller portions or that I should have self control. When I was pregnant and first started nursing, I had many meals/foods that I wanted to eat and DH was on a diet. He got frustrated that I always wanted something not on his "diet". At that point, he realized where I had been coming from before, and I also got to see things from his point of view. We are both working on being healthier and having healthier foods available to our family now, so it's better all the way around, but I have also changed my mindframe. If DH wants to go to dairy queen after dinner, he's not trying to sabotage me or bother me; he's got a craving and it's my choice to either go along or not. Same goes for me.

kdkyzer

Last night, my hubby brought home a deep dish pizza...which I LOVE and he doesn't particularly care for. I had some...but it fit in my daily calories. He's told me that he thinks I'm getting too skinny. I know I'm not too skinny, I'm just getting rid of some of the excess blubber. And I reminded him I've only lost 7 pounds since the beginning of the new year. That's certainly not a lot. But I have lost inches, so that's what he sees (and feels...)

1ConcreteGirl

1) Making your kids wait to eat dinner till you can make it is not sabotage, it is lazy.

2) Buying you something he knows you like is not sabotage, it is thoughtful. And it is ungrateful of you to be upset because it wasn't the exact brand you like.

3) Believing your spouse is trying to sabotage you is a recipe for disaster.

CorvusCorax77

during my "weight loss journey" my boyfriend bought me an entire package of my favorite chocolates for valentines day. He knew I was tyring to lose weight and watch what i eat.

You know what i thought?

What a ****en sweetheart! He knows my favorite chocolate!!!!

I put that shizz in the freezer and ate one a day every day for like two months AND i stayed within my calories.

I don't see the problem.

ETA: and every single time I ate one, I thought about how it was sweet of him to get them for me!!!!!

AngryDiet

I totally sabotaged my wife's weight loss journey this past Feb 14'th.

Except that it kinda backfired...

Who knew that she would share?

taso42

My wife got pregnant, went on a 3000 calorie per day diet, and keeps buying ice cream. THE NERVE!!!

kellensdad

Just to let you know, sometimes it is not the husband who sabotages. My wife bout 7 boxes of girl scout cookies, but she did not buy any of the ones that she likes. She bought thin mints and tagalongs, which are my favorites. After eating a box of thinmints, I had to give the rest away or I was going to eat them all. She just laughs of course, she knows what she was doing.

JJordon

Because sweet babycakes, here's a protein smoothie.... Doesn't seem to win any favors..... Though, it should.

pastryari

Until MFP, I had no idea that men buying their women their favorite food was considered sabotage. I also never had a period before either, but thankfully there are enough TOM threads around to teach me how to deal with it. :drinker:

raegan1215

sometimes it's hard for people when someone close to them is changing and they're not ready to or have no interest in change. so they hold onto old habits or "sabotage" out of fear. be kind to him.

corn63

... hmm. You'd be a peach to be married to.

Unless he's force feeding you, you're in charge of what goes in your mouth.

AngryDiet

Until MFP, I had no idea that men buying their women their favorite food was considered sabotage. I also never had a period before either, but thankfully there are enough TOM threads around to teach me how to deal with it. :drinker:

Good to know. If I ever have one, I'll know where to turn for help.

MadDogManor

Ha! Hubs brought home TexMex and chips and queso for supper tonight

I binge like there's no tomorrow on stuff like chips and queso, but I actually weighed out the chips and only had 1 oz! HUGE nsv there. He's not the one that could be stuffing the chips into my mouth, and I need to be accountable for my own actions. But I did thank him for being thoughtful and picking up supper.

I'm nowhere near perfect, like this week I had Burger King, Subway, and now TexMex. But, it's WAY better than before, where I'd have Burger King, Subway and TexMex all in ONE day.

I just think my hubby needs some adjustment time, too. We've been eating crappily for many years now, and it's really easy to buy pre made junk on a Friday night after a long week at work.

Good luck!

firstsip

Hell no, I cannot eat those & besides it was not my favorite brand or I might have eaten few

This is my favorite part.

chels0722

Honestly, don't set the expectations so high. Just because you don't have time to make dinner doesn't mean he is going to up and pick up the reins. If you want him to start making dinner when you can't than ASK him to. Setting up an expectation without telling him is just setting him up for failure. Give the guy a chance. And be grateful that he thought of you while he was out. He could have just bought you NOTHING. Sheesh.

BOLO4Hagatha

So what's your spouse or significant other trying to do to screw you (outside of bed of course) I can't wait to see what the hubby comes up with next. So far I have been able to resist.

I'd like to suggest that maybe you work on your thinking and realize that your husband is most likely not trying to "screw you". When we have the victim mentality (i.e. my husband is trying to sabotage me, everyone keeps giving me cake, etc.), then it's really easy to play the victim. You make a poor eating choice and it's not your fault because everyone is out to get you. It's really hard to be successful long term if you want to continue playing the victim. You have to rely on yourself for the strength to do what you need to do, day in, day out, and you have to believe that you have the power to be successful if you want, no matter your circumstances.

FWIW, what you described does not sound like sabotage at all. You say you would "expect" your husband of 17 years to suddenly start cooking dinner because your schedule has changed. If you haven't discussed this with him, it's a no brainer. He hasn't cooked dinner in almost 20 years, he's not going to start reading your mind and suddenly start doing it. I would say that it's not necessarily a reasonable expectation for almost 2 decades of habit to change overnight. You have to sit down with him and work out a plan to have dinner on the table and ask him to follow through on this plan. Pick easy to cook meals and/or do some bulk cooking when you have the time. You also have to understand that he will not automatically learn to do something he's never done before overnight.

As for the snack thing, it sounds like he really was trying to be nice. If, over the past 17 years he's gotten in the habit of getting you snacks as a treat and you've eaten them (whether they were favorites or not), he's doing what has always been the right thing. Again, you have to explain to him that you appreaciate the gesture, but that you would like him to not buy those foods for you in the future. Even if he knows your goals, he still has no clue about "healthy" eating or anything. You can explain your plan until you're blue in the face, but unless you specifically say "don't buy XYZ for me", he's probably going to think he's doing the right thing.

I used to get frustrated with my DH when he wanted to cook his specialties (usually high fat, high calorie foods) and he would just tell me to eat smaller portions or that I should have self control. When I was pregnant and first started nursing, I had many meals/foods that I wanted to eat and DH was on a diet. He got frustrated that I always wanted something not on his "diet". At that point, he realized where I had been coming from before, and I also got to see things from his point of view. We are both working on being healthier and having healthier foods available to our family now, so it's better all the way around, but I have also changed my mindframe. If DH wants to go to dairy queen after dinner, he's not trying to sabotage me or bother me; he's got a craving and it's my choice to either go along or not. Same goes for me.

Whether intentional or not, its still sabotage.

1ConcreteGirl

Whether intentional or not, its still sabotage.

MY GAWD PEOPLE.

This is not world war two. You are not a munitions-loaded train.

pastryari

So what's your spouse or significant other trying to do to screw you (outside of bed of course) I can't wait to see what the hubby comes up with next. So far I have been able to resist.

I'd like to suggest that maybe you work on your thinking and realize that your husband is most likely not trying to "screw you". When we have the victim mentality (i.e. my husband is trying to sabotage me, everyone keeps giving me cake, etc.), then it's really easy to play the victim. You make a poor eating choice and it's not your fault because everyone is out to get you. It's really hard to be successful long term if you want to continue playing the victim. You have to rely on yourself for the strength to do what you need to do, day in, day out, and you have to believe that you have the power to be successful if you want, no matter your circumstances.

FWIW, what you described does not sound like sabotage at all. You say you would "expect" your husband of 17 years to suddenly start cooking dinner because your schedule has changed. If you haven't discussed this with him, it's a no brainer. He hasn't cooked dinner in almost 20 years, he's not going to start reading your mind and suddenly start doing it. I would say that it's not necessarily a reasonable expectation for almost 2 decades of habit to change overnight. You have to sit down with him and work out a plan to have dinner on the table and ask him to follow through on this plan. Pick easy to cook meals and/or do some bulk cooking when you have the time. You also have to understand that he will not automatically learn to do something he's never done before overnight.

As for the snack thing, it sounds like he really was trying to be nice. If, over the past 17 years he's gotten in the habit of getting you snacks as a treat and you've eaten them (whether they were favorites or not), he's doing what has always been the right thing. Again, you have to explain to him that you appreaciate the gesture, but that you would like him to not buy those foods for you in the future. Even if he knows your goals, he still has no clue about "healthy" eating or anything. You can explain your plan until you're blue in the face, but unless you specifically say "don't buy XYZ for me", he's probably going to think he's doing the right thing.

I used to get frustrated with my DH when he wanted to cook his specialties (usually high fat, high calorie foods) and he would just tell me to eat smaller portions or that I should have self control. When I was pregnant and first started nursing, I had many meals/foods that I wanted to eat and DH was on a diet. He got frustrated that I always wanted something not on his "diet". At that point, he realized where I had been coming from before, and I also got to see things from his point of view. We are both working on being healthier and having healthier foods available to our family now, so it's better all the way around, but I have also changed my mindframe. If DH wants to go to dairy queen after dinner, he's not trying to sabotage me or bother me; he's got a craving and it's my choice to either go along or not. Same goes for me.

Whether intentional or not, its still sabotage.

BWAHHAHAHWHWAHAHAHAHHAAHA.

chels0722

Until MFP, I had no idea that men buying their women their favorite food was considered sabotage. I also never had a period before either, but thankfully there are enough TOM threads around to teach me how to deal with it. :drinker:

THANK YOU! You put all this nonsense into words for me.

BOLO4Hagatha

Honestly, don't set the expectations so high. Just because you don't have time to make dinner doesn't mean he is going to up and pick up the reins. If you want him to start making dinner when you can't than ASK him to. Setting up an expectation without telling him is just setting him up for failure. Give the guy a chance. And be grateful that he thought of you while he was out. He could have just bought you NOTHING. Sheesh.

If he sees her working more than usual, she shouldn't have to tell him to make dinner or help more. He should do it on his own. Besides, I'm sure its not lost on him that she is on a diet.

AngryDiet

Whether intentional or not, its still sabotage.

MY GAWD PEOPLE.

This is not world war two. You are not a munitions-loaded train.

Einstein said that world war four would be fought with pork rinds and not the greasy kind.

retiree2006

Wow...maybe for once I'm grateful my husband doesn't usually do the shopping or cooking! And if we go out for pizza he's finally learned how to order correctly...make his half with all the meat and cheesy stuff and mine is veggie. Guess I can't complain!

pastryari

So what's your spouse or significant other trying to do to screw you (outside of bed of course) I can't wait to see what the hubby comes up with next. So far I have been able to resist.

I'd like to suggest that maybe you work on your thinking and realize that your husband is most likely not trying to "screw you". When we have the victim mentality (i.e. my husband is trying to sabotage me, everyone keeps giving me cake, etc.), then it's really easy to play the victim. You make a poor eating choice and it's not your fault because everyone is out to get you. It's really hard to be successful long term if you want to continue playing the victim. You have to rely on yourself for the strength to do what you need to do, day in, day out, and you have to believe that you have the power to be successful if you want, no matter your circumstances.

FWIW, what you described does not sound like sabotage at all. You say you would "expect" your husband of 17 years to suddenly start cooking dinner because your schedule has changed. If you haven't discussed this with him, it's a no brainer. He hasn't cooked dinner in almost 20 years, he's not going to start reading your mind and suddenly start doing it. I would say that it's not necessarily a reasonable expectation for almost 2 decades of habit to change overnight. You have to sit down with him and work out a plan to have dinner on the table and ask him to follow through on this plan. Pick easy to cook meals and/or do some bulk cooking when you have the time. You also have to understand that he will not automatically learn to do something he's never done before overnight.

As for the snack thing, it sounds like he really was trying to be nice. If, over the past 17 years he's gotten in the habit of getting you snacks as a treat and you've eaten them (whether they were favorites or not), he's doing what has always been the right thing. Again, you have to explain to him that you appreaciate the gesture, but that you would like him to not buy those foods for you in the future. Even if he knows your goals, he still has no clue about "healthy" eating or anything. You can explain your plan until you're blue in the face, but unless you specifically say "don't buy XYZ for me", he's probably going to think he's doing the right thing.

I used to get frustrated with my DH when he wanted to cook his specialties (usually high fat, high calorie foods) and he would just tell me to eat smaller portions or that I should have self control. When I was pregnant and first started nursing, I had many meals/foods that I wanted to eat and DH was on a diet. He got frustrated that I always wanted something not on his "diet". At that point, he realized where I had been coming from before, and I also got to see things from his point of view. We are both working on being healthier and having healthier foods available to our family now, so it's better all the way around, but I have also changed my mindframe. If DH wants to go to dairy queen after dinner, he's not trying to sabotage me or bother me; he's got a craving and it's my choice to either go along or not. Same goes for me.

Whether intentional or not, its still sabotage.

False.

sab·o·tage
/ˈsabəˌtäZH/
Verb
Deliberately destroy, damage, or obstruct (something).
Noun
The action of sabotaging something.

iAMsmiling

Express your needs directly.
Ask him to support you in very specific ways you discuss with him.

Be grateful if he does because YOU'RE the one changing the rules of engagement after 18 years and expecting things to just go your way.

1ConcreteGirl

Wow...maybe for once I'm grateful my husband doesn't usually do the shopping or cooking! And if we go out for pizza he's finally learned how to order correctly...make his half with all the meat and cheesy stuff and mine is veggie. Guess I can't complain!

I can't imagine what it must be like to be married to someone who so clearly thinks of their spouse as a child.

cjsacto

I made shrimp scampi last week, which isn't at all a diet food but I can have a small portion. Anyway, he complained there wasn't enough butter and he made it this week with twice as much. I have to tell him, as good as it tastes, neither of us can really have a bowl of butter for dinner.

He really wants me to lose weight (my weight has been a point of contention between us), and he could lose a few pounds as well (<10), but he also pushes for pizza every week, pasta at least twice a week, Chinese food regularly, etc.

I just try to keep my portion sizes reasonable and sometimes have to have an alternative meal. I also have extra servings of vegetables. He's not trying to sabotage me, he is just used to eating certain foods and that's what he likes, and also we are trying to economize and pasta is cheap, as is pizza if you make it at home. He'll eat the kale salad and has gone off soda, it's not that he wants unhealthy food.

Anyway, sometimes I have to be strong and watch him eating something yummy, but otherwise I eat "real" food, weigh and measure everything, and fit it in my daily calorie goal.