Spousal sabotage

1ConcreteGirl

Whether intentional or not, its still sabotage.

MY GAWD PEOPLE.

This is not world war two. You are not a munitions-loaded train.

pastryari

So what's your spouse or significant other trying to do to screw you (outside of bed of course) I can't wait to see what the hubby comes up with next. So far I have been able to resist.

I'd like to suggest that maybe you work on your thinking and realize that your husband is most likely not trying to "screw you". When we have the victim mentality (i.e. my husband is trying to sabotage me, everyone keeps giving me cake, etc.), then it's really easy to play the victim. You make a poor eating choice and it's not your fault because everyone is out to get you. It's really hard to be successful long term if you want to continue playing the victim. You have to rely on yourself for the strength to do what you need to do, day in, day out, and you have to believe that you have the power to be successful if you want, no matter your circumstances.

FWIW, what you described does not sound like sabotage at all. You say you would "expect" your husband of 17 years to suddenly start cooking dinner because your schedule has changed. If you haven't discussed this with him, it's a no brainer. He hasn't cooked dinner in almost 20 years, he's not going to start reading your mind and suddenly start doing it. I would say that it's not necessarily a reasonable expectation for almost 2 decades of habit to change overnight. You have to sit down with him and work out a plan to have dinner on the table and ask him to follow through on this plan. Pick easy to cook meals and/or do some bulk cooking when you have the time. You also have to understand that he will not automatically learn to do something he's never done before overnight.

As for the snack thing, it sounds like he really was trying to be nice. If, over the past 17 years he's gotten in the habit of getting you snacks as a treat and you've eaten them (whether they were favorites or not), he's doing what has always been the right thing. Again, you have to explain to him that you appreaciate the gesture, but that you would like him to not buy those foods for you in the future. Even if he knows your goals, he still has no clue about "healthy" eating or anything. You can explain your plan until you're blue in the face, but unless you specifically say "don't buy XYZ for me", he's probably going to think he's doing the right thing.

I used to get frustrated with my DH when he wanted to cook his specialties (usually high fat, high calorie foods) and he would just tell me to eat smaller portions or that I should have self control. When I was pregnant and first started nursing, I had many meals/foods that I wanted to eat and DH was on a diet. He got frustrated that I always wanted something not on his "diet". At that point, he realized where I had been coming from before, and I also got to see things from his point of view. We are both working on being healthier and having healthier foods available to our family now, so it's better all the way around, but I have also changed my mindframe. If DH wants to go to dairy queen after dinner, he's not trying to sabotage me or bother me; he's got a craving and it's my choice to either go along or not. Same goes for me.

Whether intentional or not, its still sabotage.

BWAHHAHAHWHWAHAHAHAHHAAHA.

chels0722

Until MFP, I had no idea that men buying their women their favorite food was considered sabotage. I also never had a period before either, but thankfully there are enough TOM threads around to teach me how to deal with it. :drinker:

THANK YOU! You put all this nonsense into words for me.

BOLO4Hagatha

Honestly, don't set the expectations so high. Just because you don't have time to make dinner doesn't mean he is going to up and pick up the reins. If you want him to start making dinner when you can't than ASK him to. Setting up an expectation without telling him is just setting him up for failure. Give the guy a chance. And be grateful that he thought of you while he was out. He could have just bought you NOTHING. Sheesh.

If he sees her working more than usual, she shouldn't have to tell him to make dinner or help more. He should do it on his own. Besides, I'm sure its not lost on him that she is on a diet.

AngryDiet

Whether intentional or not, its still sabotage.

MY GAWD PEOPLE.

This is not world war two. You are not a munitions-loaded train.

Einstein said that world war four would be fought with pork rinds and not the greasy kind.

retiree2006

Wow...maybe for once I'm grateful my husband doesn't usually do the shopping or cooking! And if we go out for pizza he's finally learned how to order correctly...make his half with all the meat and cheesy stuff and mine is veggie. Guess I can't complain!

pastryari

So what's your spouse or significant other trying to do to screw you (outside of bed of course) I can't wait to see what the hubby comes up with next. So far I have been able to resist.

I'd like to suggest that maybe you work on your thinking and realize that your husband is most likely not trying to "screw you". When we have the victim mentality (i.e. my husband is trying to sabotage me, everyone keeps giving me cake, etc.), then it's really easy to play the victim. You make a poor eating choice and it's not your fault because everyone is out to get you. It's really hard to be successful long term if you want to continue playing the victim. You have to rely on yourself for the strength to do what you need to do, day in, day out, and you have to believe that you have the power to be successful if you want, no matter your circumstances.

FWIW, what you described does not sound like sabotage at all. You say you would "expect" your husband of 17 years to suddenly start cooking dinner because your schedule has changed. If you haven't discussed this with him, it's a no brainer. He hasn't cooked dinner in almost 20 years, he's not going to start reading your mind and suddenly start doing it. I would say that it's not necessarily a reasonable expectation for almost 2 decades of habit to change overnight. You have to sit down with him and work out a plan to have dinner on the table and ask him to follow through on this plan. Pick easy to cook meals and/or do some bulk cooking when you have the time. You also have to understand that he will not automatically learn to do something he's never done before overnight.

As for the snack thing, it sounds like he really was trying to be nice. If, over the past 17 years he's gotten in the habit of getting you snacks as a treat and you've eaten them (whether they were favorites or not), he's doing what has always been the right thing. Again, you have to explain to him that you appreaciate the gesture, but that you would like him to not buy those foods for you in the future. Even if he knows your goals, he still has no clue about "healthy" eating or anything. You can explain your plan until you're blue in the face, but unless you specifically say "don't buy XYZ for me", he's probably going to think he's doing the right thing.

I used to get frustrated with my DH when he wanted to cook his specialties (usually high fat, high calorie foods) and he would just tell me to eat smaller portions or that I should have self control. When I was pregnant and first started nursing, I had many meals/foods that I wanted to eat and DH was on a diet. He got frustrated that I always wanted something not on his "diet". At that point, he realized where I had been coming from before, and I also got to see things from his point of view. We are both working on being healthier and having healthier foods available to our family now, so it's better all the way around, but I have also changed my mindframe. If DH wants to go to dairy queen after dinner, he's not trying to sabotage me or bother me; he's got a craving and it's my choice to either go along or not. Same goes for me.

Whether intentional or not, its still sabotage.

False.

sab·o·tage
/ˈsabəˌtäZH/
Verb
Deliberately destroy, damage, or obstruct (something).
Noun
The action of sabotaging something.

iAMsmiling

Express your needs directly.
Ask him to support you in very specific ways you discuss with him.

Be grateful if he does because YOU'RE the one changing the rules of engagement after 18 years and expecting things to just go your way.

1ConcreteGirl

Wow...maybe for once I'm grateful my husband doesn't usually do the shopping or cooking! And if we go out for pizza he's finally learned how to order correctly...make his half with all the meat and cheesy stuff and mine is veggie. Guess I can't complain!

I can't imagine what it must be like to be married to someone who so clearly thinks of their spouse as a child.

cjsacto

I made shrimp scampi last week, which isn't at all a diet food but I can have a small portion. Anyway, he complained there wasn't enough butter and he made it this week with twice as much. I have to tell him, as good as it tastes, neither of us can really have a bowl of butter for dinner.

He really wants me to lose weight (my weight has been a point of contention between us), and he could lose a few pounds as well (<10), but he also pushes for pizza every week, pasta at least twice a week, Chinese food regularly, etc.

I just try to keep my portion sizes reasonable and sometimes have to have an alternative meal. I also have extra servings of vegetables. He's not trying to sabotage me, he is just used to eating certain foods and that's what he likes, and also we are trying to economize and pasta is cheap, as is pizza if you make it at home. He'll eat the kale salad and has gone off soda, it's not that he wants unhealthy food.

Anyway, sometimes I have to be strong and watch him eating something yummy, but otherwise I eat "real" food, weigh and measure everything, and fit it in my daily calorie goal.

morningmud

I once asked mine to bring me home some fruit to snack on as he was going to the grocery store; he brought me a Kit Kat. He fully admitted that he was sabotaging me on purpose. Said he was afraid I'd cheat on him if I lost weight. :grumble:

MyOwnSunshine

I totally sabotaged my wife's weight loss journey this past Feb 14'th.

Except that it kinda backfired...

Who knew that she would share?

My husband sabotaged me on Valentine's day by giving me some amazing milk and white chocolate truffles. Then the *ss ate most of them himself!

Sigh. Now I'm confused and don't know what I'm mad about. :noway:

AngryDiet

I totally sabotaged my wife's weight loss journey this past Feb 14'th.

Except that it kinda backfired...

Who knew that she would share?

My husband sabotaged me on Valentine's day by giving me some amazing milk and white chocolate truffles. Then the *ss ate most of them himself!

Sigh. Now I'm confused and don't know what I'm mad about. :noway:

Why choose? Be mad about all of it.

1ConcreteGirl

I once asked mine to bring me home some fruit to snack on as he was going to the grocery store; he brought me a Kit Kat. He fully admitted that he was sabotaging me on purpose. Said he was afraid I'd cheat on him if I lost weight. :grumble:

Okay. Take note. THIS IS SABOTAGE.

The rest of the crap in this thread =/= sabotage.

SemperAnticus1643

Because sweet babycakes, here's a protein smoothie.... Doesn't seem to win any favors..... Though, it should.

My husband does that!! He makes his protein shake in the mornings and makes mine as well and puts it in the refrigerator.

To the OP...I have struggled with a similar situation with my husband of 2 years. For a time of about 2 months, he was unemployed. Home everyday and granted he cleaned the kitchen, I did everything else. I was washing clothes and cleaning the house (there is a difference between CLEANING and PICKING UP) and coaching kid sports and working and taking college courses. I too "expected" the house to be spotless and dinner ready when I got home because WTHeck else is he doing all day?! We had a long discussion about it...well more of an argument...and things got better because he started to understand where I was coming from. After some time and talking he is now more helpful around the house (most of the time) and supportive of my weight loss journey. He is in fact wanting to start working out more in the gym too. He's also running a 5k with me in May.

What tickles me the most now is that on Tuesday and/or Wednesday nights after I get home from school, around 10:30, he has a glass of wine on the scale and measured so that I can include it in my calories.

matt2442

STOP SAYING HUBBY!!!!

MyOwnSunshine

I totally sabotaged my wife's weight loss journey this past Feb 14'th.

Except that it kinda backfired...

Who knew that she would share?

My husband sabotaged me on Valentine's day by giving me some amazing milk and white chocolate truffles. Then the *ss ate most of them himself!

Sigh. Now I'm confused and don't know what I'm mad about. :noway:

Why choose? Be mad about all of it.

All I know is that somebody, somewhere is sabotaging me somehow!

This mess couldn't be my fault.

charleneh13

Here is some support - I hope! When I was a young mother with three young ones and a full time job, this is what I did. Whenever I made a meal for dinner that could be frozen - I doubled up! I made one for dinner and one for a later dinner.. My freezer soon became full and dinner was so much less stressful too. If I forgot to take something out for dinner or too tired to make anything, I'd call home and get one of the kids to take something out of the freezer when they got home from school and tada - dinner was done.

As for the unwanted snacks... don't get mad, get even... that is my moto... Make a note maybe on the fridge of the unwanted snacks and a list of the desired snacks that you want. Thank the hubby for the gift, and simply say that the though was appreciated but that a gift from the list of desired snacks would be even more appreciated.

I am lucky right now in my weight loss as my significant other is a bit overweight too and wants to look good for summer just as I do, so he is encouraging me, not in words but in following my lead without complaints :O)

Good luck, stay focused and look for the positive in everything

chels0722

Honestly, don't set the expectations so high. Just because you don't have time to make dinner doesn't mean he is going to up and pick up the reins. If you want him to start making dinner when you can't than ASK him to. Setting up an expectation without telling him is just setting him up for failure. Give the guy a chance. And be grateful that he thought of you while he was out. He could have just bought you NOTHING. Sheesh.

If he sees her working more than usual, she shouldn't have to tell him to make dinner or help more. He should do it on his own. Besides, I'm sure its not lost on him that she is on a diet.

First, I said ASK not TELL. Second, expecting someone to just do things they don't normally do without a hint or inclination is kind of selfish.

It would be nice for him to help out, but men operate different than women. He probably does help out in little ways that are more noticeable to him than her.

SemperAnticus1643

I once asked mine to bring me home some fruit to snack on as he was going to the grocery store; he brought me a Kit Kat. He fully admitted that he was sabotaging me on purpose. Said he was afraid I'd cheat on him if I lost weight. :grumble:

lol that sounds like something my husband would say. Then I would gladly remind him of the tight little body that the chinese acrobat had in Branson at the Acrobats of China show. Maybe then he would get what I was aiming for, although I will gladly maintain my 5'8" height. lol :laugh: