Please some help- Extremely abusive mother

trying2findmyway

I know some times on these forums people can be insensitive but I'm not trying to throw a pity party I just need maybe someone who understands.

I only grew up with my mother. It's always been her and I. She was horrible when I was growing up... called me every name under the sun, racial slurs (we are 2 different races) and every fat name you could think of. That was all I ever heard from her... she never said I was beautiful, smart or talented... everything was always how I was going to be a failure. Before evry dance, prom or something she always made sure to go into one of her *events* and make me feel like absolute *kitten* before I left the house.
When my grandparents passed away... before each of their funerals she would lash out and told me I should stay home because she didn't want to be seen with me. When we would go ou tin public she told me sometimes to not walk beside her

She would date losers. The last loser she dated she would let him say whatever he wanted to me and never defend me or tell him to stop. When he was mad at her, he would leave messages calling me horrible names... telling me how I ugly I was (he would never say anything about her)
I couldn't just go to other family members. She was and IS now the only family I have.
There were many times when the things she would say would kill me...... and I would say things back and we would even physically fight. I know it sounds horrible but there is only so much you can take but nobody knows how it feels to be verbally abused..... she was killing my spirit and it was making me sick.
My self esteem was/is extremely poor because of her. I hated how she made me feel.... I HATED that she knew what she was doing and never apologized.

Now I'm 25... she is the only family I have. I live with her and pay 95% of the bills. She is no different... the verbal abuse is there every day. She just no longer calls me fat....
I've never told anyone. I tried once telling my grandparents years ago but they never really believed me.

I remember everything she said and the looks on her face of just how much she hated me.
I'm a shy person and sometimes quiet....... I don't have a lot of friends or people to go too. I usually work, workout or read.
I don't know what to do

boatsie77

Get counseling and move out.

medeamama

Oh honey... do you read postsecret.com? There is a postcard on there that could have come from you, and the community response was so supportive!

Just know that you are not alone, and that you are a good person, despite what she might have told you over the years. People are going to tell you to leave her, and I bet you know you can do that. But you have chosen so far to stay an support her. That takes courage, and that is something special. This is not to say that you *should* stay with her, just to point out that you have something special in you, maybe more than you know.

If you get a chance, take a look at the postsecret community. There is a great discussion there about the secret: http://www.postsecretcommunity.com/chat/viewtopic.php?t=368374

staplebug

Get counseling and move out.

yes.

bethvandenberg

Get some help so you can heal some people should never be parents. I am sorry someone was so mean to you especially someone who is supposed to love and support you

seena511

i am sorry that you have to go through this. remember that we are all here for you. you need to do whatever you can to get out of this relationship. she sounds like she needs some serious counseling. it would undoubtedly be beneficial for you to start going to counseling as well, even if you can't confront your mother.

probably #1 is you need to get out of that house. you can't continue to let someone so close to you ruin your life for another 25 years. do what you have to do. she won't like it, and she'll probably become even more abusive. but you have to put your foot down for yourself. call a friend, a distant relative, an ex, a coworker, anyone, and ask if they can offer you harbor while you do what you need to to get yourself your own place. and don't let her try to guilt you into coming back because really, she is dependent on you. not the other way around. it's ok to be selfish here. it's what you need.

jess6741

I'm so sorry you went through all of that. You really need to move out. My life has become so much less stressful since I moved out on my own. Sometimes I feel guilty about leaving but in the end to save my sanity I needed to. Unfortunately your mom is not going to change. You deserve to be treated with respect. I am a really shy person as well and know that it can be hard to make new friends but you can do it. Build a solid support system with people who care about you. Feel free to add/message me if you need support.

xxnellie146xx

Start counseling. Talking about it might be hard at first, but it seems like you are at a point where you want to talk about. You need to let this all out, build up your self-esteem, and get away from your mother for a while. She's clearly toxic to you and it's affecting your daily life and most importantly your mental health. It won't be easy, but you will ultimately feel better.

wick09

Do you make enough to move out? Does she work, so she can help with the bills? I would be stockpiling money, so you can get away from her. No one should have to take that crap from a parent or anyone. Try to get out of there and away from the bully. You will be better off without her. I so wouldn't call her family though. Good luck!

peachfigs

I understand how hard it can be to move out in that kind of situation. It's a lot easier said than done.

neandermagnon

Get counseling and move out.

^^^ this

as soon as you can. this is a form of domestic violence (it doesn't have to be physical, and it doesn't have to come from a husband/partner to count as domestic violence) so some of the domestic violence helplines/organisations may be able to help you to escape from her, and get counselling, and get any legal issues sorted out.

apexgtp

Move out and leave her sorry *kitten* in her apartment with no place to go. I have no patience for people like her.

kuger4119

If you are able to live independently without her, I would move out. First, family or not, you should never tolerate being abused. Even if you talk to her, I'm betting that she will never be able to restrain herself when she feels that you can't get away. After you get out, anytime she is rude to you, tell her that you aren't going to tolerate it and don't talk to her for at least a week. In time, she will get the clue.

If she can't live on her own.....that really is not your problem. Family or not, if she doesn't respect you, she does not deserve your assistance. My wife and I make $150k per year and my brother makes around $15k and has alcohol and drug issues. We let him stay with us 10 years ago and he stole some hydrocodone that I had been prescribed after a surgery. He wouldn't keep his area clean and he was a general pain in the *kitten*. He tried to drive my wife's car without permission when we were out of town. We kicked him out after six weeks. Your situation is far worse than that and I wouldn't tolerate it. Sometimes, you have to let people deal with their own lives.

HeidiMightyRawr

I'm sorry to hear your situation, it sounds like a really horrible place to grow up in

You pay 95% of the bills, so can you afford a place of your own (or even rent a room somewhere?) I would try and move out ASAP. It's doing you no good staying there.

My mum was never abusive, and we have a good relationship now, but when I lived at home we did not get on at all. There would be screaming matches between us so often. Moving out was one of the best things I ever did, gave me such freedom.

kyrabeth1986

I have a very similar relationship with my mum. No one believes the things she put me though, i was never good enough for her and always made to feel fat and useless. On a regular basis she would tell me that i was a mistake and that me asking questions about my dad made me selfish as it upset her. She made me tell everyone (including my brother) that her new husband was my dad and if i told anyone the truth they would both physically and mentally beat me over it. Now that im trying to get married she is refusing to provide documents that i need and i have struggled to get them myself as there are bits of information i do not know.

Unfortunatly i have no help i can give you, just letting you know your not alone .... and im dreading mothers day ... always shouted at for not buying her a nice card and present but i refuse to play along with the story now. I dont thank her for my upbringing, i don't love her or trust her and i certainly do not rely on her to be my rock.

5ftnFun

So painful to read. You must detach yourself from her. I know that will be difficult to do, but you must. She may be your mother, but she is no mom.

You say she is the only family you have. You know, I believe that you can create your own family. What I mean by that, is that you don't have to be related to someone in order for them to be your family. Obviously, I don't mean go to your next door neighbor and say "hey, will you be my mom?". That's not what I mean. I mean you can having loving, close, family-like relationships with people other than your mother.

Big hugs.

jadesign19

Start counseling. Talking about it might be hard at first, but it seems like you are at a point where you want to talk about. You need to let this all out, build up your self-esteem, and get away from your mother for a while. She's clearly toxic to you and it's affecting your daily life and most importantly your mental health. It won't be easy, but you will ultimately feel better.

This! It took me until I was 43 to realize I am not obligated to put up with a toxic person, even a toxic mother. I got counseling and it has helped me immensely. It allowed me to set up boundaries and if your mother wants to be a part of your life she will respect those boundaries. My experience was that my mothers self esteem was so low that the only way she felt good about herself is to bring others,especially her children down.
You are young and have so much courage. You don't need her anymore to define yourself. You'll be amazed at the opportunities that present themselves when you don't have that toxicity hanging over your life choices. Do it now before you have a child and shell start the cycle with your child. Good luck :flowerforyou:

peachfigs

I think the first step would be to build some confidence and self esteem before moving out. If you have no self esteem, how can you be expected to move away and walk away from a bad situation? It's not as easy as that. If it was, OP would have moved out already.

You need to take some time to heal, and realise that you are important, and that this is your one life and no one has any right to make it miserable. Unfortunately, we can't stop other people's behaviour, but we can choose how we react to it. By taking responsibility for yourself and building up your self esteem, you can move out when the time is right for you.

Don't feel guilty for taking these steps towards happiness and self-sufficiency. You don't have to hate your mother or treat her badly in return. You can still love her, you can still be there for her, but part of recovering from this situation is realising that loving someone DOESN'T include letting them treat you badly. Believe it or not, letting her treat you badly is harmful to both of you. It also keeps your mum in a cycle of bad behaviour, which will get progressively worse over time. No one wants to behave the way she is behaving, she is probably very troubled. Respect her, understand her, if that is what you want, but don't let her walk on you. Your mum doesn't know healthy boundaries and it's up to you to set them for both of you.

You will get through this. If you need anyone you can always add me as a friend

Lorri1957

I'm so sorry for you and you're situation. First, if you're paying the majority of the bills there isnt any reason you should still be in the position you're in. Move out, you can support yourself. You shouldnt feel obligated to support your mother financially or emotionally. You are an adult and responsible for your own happiness now. People like your mother are like cancer and should be cut out, they have no redeeming qualities. YOU ARE WORTH TAKING CARE OF YOURSELF! !! I don't mean to sound harsh but she's the one with the problem, not you. You've taken a huge step joining mfp and you will find tons of support here. Please add me to you friends list if you'd like, I would like to keep contact with you.

jsiricos

I have been on both sides of this fence (not my mother tho) I was trained to help abused women to make the right choices, tell them when to get out etc.
One thing I learned from this, and my own abusive marriage is, you can't tell someone to leave.

It has to come from within themselves, you have to get to the point where you can't take anymore. It is very hard to leave.

I was very good at handing out the advice, but very poor at taking it.

To the OP, are you at that point? If you are, start sorting your stuff out, your life, everything, and move without telling her.

If you aren't, remember these few words, "You are a beautiful person in your own right, NOTHING she says can say otherwise"

If I didn't know better, I'd say, move out, get away, live your life, you deserve it, but only you can make that decision.
Good Luck

BeachGingerOnTheRocks

Please pick up the book Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life by Susan Forward.

While it is easy for someone on the internet to tell you to cut ties with your mother and find your own family (friends, support groups, a companion, etc.), it is a decision you have to come to on your own. And if you choose to keep a toxic parent in your life, at least arm yourself with the knowledge on how to keep them from causing further harm.

Wishing you the best.

Dulcemami4ever

I'm sorry you had to go thru that. But now I think you are old enough to make a decision as to leave. If your mom has been abusive this whole time and treats you like garbage there are no mother/ daughter ties. Leave and don't look back. It doesn't matter if she is the only family you have. Know why? Because that's not family. That's someone who birthed you, raised you (somewhat) and abused you. Leave no before you continue this life time of pain. You can find good friends out there that will love you like family if that's what you need.

peachfigs

I have been on both sides of this fence (not my mother tho) I was trained to help abused women to make the right choices, tell them when to get out etc.
One thing I learned from this, and my own abusive marriage is, you can't tell someone to leave.

It has to come from within themselves, you have to get to the point where you can't take anymore. It is very hard to leave.

This ^^

artex1024

I actually know how you feel. My parents divorced when I was two and I lived with my mom, my little brother and whatever loser she was married to as I was growing up. My mom wasn't mean spirited, but she was overly critical. She grew up with a lot of self-esteem issues herself, and she projected those onto me. She always, and still does harp on me about my weight. She would strictly control my diet and make sure I worked out, and then get pissed when I'd visit my dad and gain weight because no such rules existed there. I still remember finding a letter she wrote to my stepmom when I was in high school and I hit 200 pounds. She was furious. When I was 11, she married her current husband, who she met at an AA meeting. He was a verbally abusive drunk who hated everything about me. He would call me names, scream and yell at me for nothing, and when I was sixteen he threatened to kill me. He went so far as to call my dad and leave the threat on a voicemail. That was turned over to the police and CPS took me to live with my dad. My mom still didn't leave him. She'd visit me at school, but that was it. I hated her for that for a long time, but as always, I eventually forgave her. When I moved away for college, I vowed never to go back. When I dropped out, I moved in with my dad. Over the years, I've rarely seen my mom. There are times that I think I should spend more time with her, but she always makes me regret my efforts. The first time my ex husband and I separated, I went to stay with her, at her request. I took my daughter, who was 7 months old at the time. It was miserable. She and her husband fought the whole time. When I left 4 days later, I almost missed my flight, so I forgot to say thank you for letting me stay with them. Two days later, I got a 5 page letter from my mom telling me what a horrible and selfish person I am, how I don't care about anyone but myself, and how I get fatter every time she sees me. She said my daughter would grow up fat and I would die before she graduated from high school. It was literally every vile thing she could think of to say, because I forgot to say thank you. I cried for two days. It was in every way, the rock bottom point in my life, but it served a great purpose. That was the day I got my life back. I changed my eating habits, learned all about nutrition and started working out. I had my husband teach me how to lift, and I vowed that my daughter would grow up healthy because she had a good example, not because I made her feel like ****. I recognized that my mom is just weak, and I will never be that way. I won't stay with a husband who treats me or others like crap, and I didn't. Now, I'm thirty and I have a very healthy lifestyle. I'm 188 pounds, down from 265, and still working at getting to my goal. I live on my own, but close to family that supports and encourages me. My daughter is happy and healthy, and I'm friends with my ex-husband, but recognize that I deserve someone who appreciates me. I talk to my mom regularly, but I never visit. Part of me will always hate for the way she treated me, but I've learned to use that hatred and anger to motivate me. That's all I can recommend to you. Get out, live on your own terms but remember those things that hurt you, because when you quit letting them beat you down, they can start making you strong. Your mom is an adult and it's not your job to take care of her. Don't let that excuse keep you in a situation that is hurting you.

evileen99

Counseling, counseling, counseling.

It's okay to cut your abusive mother out of your life. I know that you'll wrestle with feelings of guilt (She's my mother! How can I abandon her?), but it's really okay. She made decisions about how she wanted to live, and she has to live with the consequences of those decisions--her daughter refusing to be her verbal punching bag anymore.

A good counselor will help you understand how your mother has destroyed your self esteem to make you afraid to leave her and will give you the tools to break away and lead a healthy life.

Check with your county's mental health office for more information. If money is an issue, they can help find low cost/free services.

ktsmom430

You do need to move out and be away from your mother, but your mother needs counseling as well.
It sounds like you have not had any easy life, and you should not have to put up with your mother's insecurities and prejudices. You are a person worthy of respect and love.
Please get away from her. I know she is your mother, and in spite of everything, you probably love her, but she is toxic for you. You are worth so much more. Please, please get out.

Pixi_Rex

You are 25. You are paying majority of the things. You are more than able to move out and cut ties. Will it hurt? probably it stings for a while but sometime you have to do what you have to do.

Get a good counselor, find a new place to live, and forget your mother exists. Most people will argue with me but honestly for your mental health its probably for the best. I cut my father out of my life 11 years ago, it was the best thing I ever did for myself.

peachfigs

Please pick up the book Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life by Susan Forward.

While it is easy for someone on the internet to tell you to cut ties with your mother and find your own family (friends, support groups, a companion, etc.), it is a decision you have to come to on your own. And if you choose to keep a toxic parent in your life, at least arm yourself with the knowledge on how to keep them from causing further harm.

Wishing you the best.

Here is that book for free:

http://salardayuni.files.wordpress.com/2012/11/susan-forward-toxic-parents.pdf

julesxo

You are 25 and still live with her?! I couldn't wait to move out of my mothers house and left when I was 18.
You need to get outta there asap!!!! I'm sorry your mother is so horrible, I don't get why any one would treat their child like that.

Breizier

This is domestic abuse,
Your egg donor, yes because that is all she is, obviously cannot take responsibility for the decisions she made so is blaming you for everything she feels is wrong with her life.
She also has low esteem and guess what? By pulling you down makes her feel there is someone lower than her so she is going to keep putting you down.
But you need to grow up too. Take responsibility for yourself. You r 25 and working. Move out.
You need to plan. Save your deposit flatshare lodge do what it takes.
Until you Chang e your situation you will never be in a position to change your relationship with her and believe me she will not give up her whipping boy easily.

pamelalk

i know exactly where you are at...that was me 28 years ago..I did have more family, but they were all basically abusive or didn't care. its so scary and hard and unfair to have to go out into the world and do it yourself. you already pay most of the bills, so you can afford to be on your own. You deserve better so know that and do something about it. You must realize this is not your fault there is a problem with her, healthy well mothers love their children no matter what. (it took me holding my own baby to realize this). but seriously the most important thing is to get counceling, because you need to fix the way you think of yourself, or you will just go from this bad situation to another. you have to realize you deserve better and get strong enough not to let anybody do this to you again..good luck my prayers will be with you