Please some help- Extremely abusive mother

Dulcemami4ever

I'm sorry you had to go thru that. But now I think you are old enough to make a decision as to leave. If your mom has been abusive this whole time and treats you like garbage there are no mother/ daughter ties. Leave and don't look back. It doesn't matter if she is the only family you have. Know why? Because that's not family. That's someone who birthed you, raised you (somewhat) and abused you. Leave no before you continue this life time of pain. You can find good friends out there that will love you like family if that's what you need.

peachfigs

I have been on both sides of this fence (not my mother tho) I was trained to help abused women to make the right choices, tell them when to get out etc.
One thing I learned from this, and my own abusive marriage is, you can't tell someone to leave.

It has to come from within themselves, you have to get to the point where you can't take anymore. It is very hard to leave.

This ^^

artex1024

I actually know how you feel. My parents divorced when I was two and I lived with my mom, my little brother and whatever loser she was married to as I was growing up. My mom wasn't mean spirited, but she was overly critical. She grew up with a lot of self-esteem issues herself, and she projected those onto me. She always, and still does harp on me about my weight. She would strictly control my diet and make sure I worked out, and then get pissed when I'd visit my dad and gain weight because no such rules existed there. I still remember finding a letter she wrote to my stepmom when I was in high school and I hit 200 pounds. She was furious. When I was 11, she married her current husband, who she met at an AA meeting. He was a verbally abusive drunk who hated everything about me. He would call me names, scream and yell at me for nothing, and when I was sixteen he threatened to kill me. He went so far as to call my dad and leave the threat on a voicemail. That was turned over to the police and CPS took me to live with my dad. My mom still didn't leave him. She'd visit me at school, but that was it. I hated her for that for a long time, but as always, I eventually forgave her. When I moved away for college, I vowed never to go back. When I dropped out, I moved in with my dad. Over the years, I've rarely seen my mom. There are times that I think I should spend more time with her, but she always makes me regret my efforts. The first time my ex husband and I separated, I went to stay with her, at her request. I took my daughter, who was 7 months old at the time. It was miserable. She and her husband fought the whole time. When I left 4 days later, I almost missed my flight, so I forgot to say thank you for letting me stay with them. Two days later, I got a 5 page letter from my mom telling me what a horrible and selfish person I am, how I don't care about anyone but myself, and how I get fatter every time she sees me. She said my daughter would grow up fat and I would die before she graduated from high school. It was literally every vile thing she could think of to say, because I forgot to say thank you. I cried for two days. It was in every way, the rock bottom point in my life, but it served a great purpose. That was the day I got my life back. I changed my eating habits, learned all about nutrition and started working out. I had my husband teach me how to lift, and I vowed that my daughter would grow up healthy because she had a good example, not because I made her feel like ****. I recognized that my mom is just weak, and I will never be that way. I won't stay with a husband who treats me or others like crap, and I didn't. Now, I'm thirty and I have a very healthy lifestyle. I'm 188 pounds, down from 265, and still working at getting to my goal. I live on my own, but close to family that supports and encourages me. My daughter is happy and healthy, and I'm friends with my ex-husband, but recognize that I deserve someone who appreciates me. I talk to my mom regularly, but I never visit. Part of me will always hate for the way she treated me, but I've learned to use that hatred and anger to motivate me. That's all I can recommend to you. Get out, live on your own terms but remember those things that hurt you, because when you quit letting them beat you down, they can start making you strong. Your mom is an adult and it's not your job to take care of her. Don't let that excuse keep you in a situation that is hurting you.

evileen99

Counseling, counseling, counseling.

It's okay to cut your abusive mother out of your life. I know that you'll wrestle with feelings of guilt (She's my mother! How can I abandon her?), but it's really okay. She made decisions about how she wanted to live, and she has to live with the consequences of those decisions--her daughter refusing to be her verbal punching bag anymore.

A good counselor will help you understand how your mother has destroyed your self esteem to make you afraid to leave her and will give you the tools to break away and lead a healthy life.

Check with your county's mental health office for more information. If money is an issue, they can help find low cost/free services.

ktsmom430

You do need to move out and be away from your mother, but your mother needs counseling as well.
It sounds like you have not had any easy life, and you should not have to put up with your mother's insecurities and prejudices. You are a person worthy of respect and love.
Please get away from her. I know she is your mother, and in spite of everything, you probably love her, but she is toxic for you. You are worth so much more. Please, please get out.

Pixi_Rex

You are 25. You are paying majority of the things. You are more than able to move out and cut ties. Will it hurt? probably it stings for a while but sometime you have to do what you have to do.

Get a good counselor, find a new place to live, and forget your mother exists. Most people will argue with me but honestly for your mental health its probably for the best. I cut my father out of my life 11 years ago, it was the best thing I ever did for myself.

peachfigs

Please pick up the book Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life by Susan Forward.

While it is easy for someone on the internet to tell you to cut ties with your mother and find your own family (friends, support groups, a companion, etc.), it is a decision you have to come to on your own. And if you choose to keep a toxic parent in your life, at least arm yourself with the knowledge on how to keep them from causing further harm.

Wishing you the best.

Here is that book for free:

http://salardayuni.files.wordpress.com/2012/11/susan-forward-toxic-parents.pdf

julesxo

You are 25 and still live with her?! I couldn't wait to move out of my mothers house and left when I was 18.
You need to get outta there asap!!!! I'm sorry your mother is so horrible, I don't get why any one would treat their child like that.

Breizier

This is domestic abuse,
Your egg donor, yes because that is all she is, obviously cannot take responsibility for the decisions she made so is blaming you for everything she feels is wrong with her life.
She also has low esteem and guess what? By pulling you down makes her feel there is someone lower than her so she is going to keep putting you down.
But you need to grow up too. Take responsibility for yourself. You r 25 and working. Move out.
You need to plan. Save your deposit flatshare lodge do what it takes.
Until you Chang e your situation you will never be in a position to change your relationship with her and believe me she will not give up her whipping boy easily.

pamelalk

i know exactly where you are at...that was me 28 years ago..I did have more family, but they were all basically abusive or didn't care. its so scary and hard and unfair to have to go out into the world and do it yourself. you already pay most of the bills, so you can afford to be on your own. You deserve better so know that and do something about it. You must realize this is not your fault there is a problem with her, healthy well mothers love their children no matter what. (it took me holding my own baby to realize this). but seriously the most important thing is to get counceling, because you need to fix the way you think of yourself, or you will just go from this bad situation to another. you have to realize you deserve better and get strong enough not to let anybody do this to you again..good luck my prayers will be with you

Athena53

Some people need to be out of your life. It doesn't matter what their official relationship is- mother, father, spouse- if keeping them in your life does more damage than good, you need to cut loose. I say this as the ex-wife of a man who was verbally abusive and was unemployed the last 5 years of the marriage, and eventually drank himself to death.

It won't be easy; I know people get sucked into these relationships gradually and before they realize it, they have "normalized the abnormal"- a great quote from a book I read once. But you won't realize what it's done to your brain (and how strong you are to have survived) till you get out. There really is life on the other side- I'm now surrounded by good people I can trust, who build me up instead of criticizing my every move. My DS is engaged to a wonderful young woman and I have every confidence that he'll be a good husband and father thanks to my second DH's good example.

You don't deserve what your mother is dishing out and she doesn't deserve a dime from you. Focus on taking care of yourself, and get counseling if you need it.

AZKristi

You need to move on with your life ON YOUR OWN. You will never develop the confidence or be happy with someone like that dragging you down. I'm not saying this in a snarky way - you probably need to see a counselor. If you can't afford that, you may be able to find support through something like Codependents Anonymous. Years of abuse leaves an imprint on anyone. Get the help you need to get out of there.

ChaseAlder

If you're paying 95% of the bills, it seems like you could probably make a small cut somewhere and pay 100% of the bills somewhere else without her.

I'd be gone.

3laine75

that is just so awful. i know she is your mum and the only family you've got but you really need to think about cutting her out of your life.

there are only so many chances you can give someone. you sound like a really nice person and you will feel so much better if you move out and put this horrible relationship behind you.

devariojay

Hey there....

You are not alone. Many of us have faced this battle.

The one thing I can say, is you need to separate yourself from that situation now that you are financially able to take care of yourself.

She will never stop if you keep taking care of her.

The dehumanization that she is making you endure is nothing more than a perpetuation of other things she dealt with and instead of choosing to stop it she chose to pass it forward. (which is completely wrong on her part and just an assumption on my part...who knows why she did / does it).

In the end, the hardest thing you can do is actually emotionally cut ties and move on.

You say that she is your only family....well then to that, i say who needs enemies with friends like these???

Honestly just because she is your family doesn't mean anything.

You can find a support group for people like you in your community (outside of any of her relatives because they will more than likely just take her side....)

****Note...I have been there so trust me...im not talking out of the side of my neck here****

The support group will become your new family and will help you heal. You will be amazed to see how loving some people are when you are jaded from a life long battle with a chronic abuser.

In the end, leave her alone...cut ties and move on.

The biggest thing, is not to relapse and go back when you get those moments when you feel 'sorry' that you left, or that wonder how they are doing. Just remember that if it went on 25 years then it's obviously not changing.

If you want, you can address the situation in the future when you get a better grounding on yourself with a more stable group of people around you.

Good luck there on your journey! You will need it to stay strong!

Be blessed

pandagirlshonerd

Firstly, tell someone so you can have some support. A few people, maybe some online and one or two you know. I know it will be difficult. But it's needed

jdbaker323

Obviously you are a very beautiful, strong, intelligent and good person. You should seek some professional help. You seen understand and know your position very well and obviously are very bright or you would not have recognized it. At the end of the end, the only one that is in control of your attitude, distination and thoughts is "you", despite the abusive situation...... Your mother probably needs you more than you understand and she needs help as well. At age 25, you need to move on with whats right for you. Your mother is an adult and its time that she grow up! We are suppose to provide for our children, emtional, financially, etc. etc. She is NOT doing that....... You must change in order to get different results...

As the famous quote goes. "doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting different reuslts, is simply the definition of "insanity".

accipiter

I'm very sorry to hear you're in this situation I grew up with an abusive step-father, so I know how it is to have an awful, stressful, abusive home life that you feel like you can't escape. I was lucky enough to be able to move in with my biological father, but I know you may not have the option to move in with someone else.

Though you said you're paying 95% of the bills, which sounds like you're mostly financially able to support yourself. Have you looked into finding maybe a roommate and moving out? I know it's probably much harder than it sounds, but it's definitely worth striving for if you can do it. You WILL feel so much better when you're not under 'her roof' (although YOU are paying for 95% of that 'roof'!!!)

And what other people have said - DEFINITELY get counseling. This constant stress is going to take a toll on your mental AND physical health. And you don't deserve to be constantly insulted, belittled and abused. A counselor/therapist will be able to help you and give you recommendations on what to do to escape that abusive environment.

Commander_Keen

Now that you are 25 years old,
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1GET OUT!!!!!!!! adn stay out. let her pay her own bills.

You will not have a healthy relationship with a family of your own, while you are with her

eAddict

Move out. I did. It was one of the best decisions I ever made. The only person you have no choice to live with the rest of your life is yourself.