Please some help- Extremely abusive mother
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Some people need to be out of your life. It doesn't matter what their official relationship is- mother, father, spouse- if keeping them in your life does more damage than good, you need to cut loose. I say this as the ex-wife of a man who was verbally abusive and was unemployed the last 5 years of the marriage, and eventually drank himself to death.
It won't be easy; I know people get sucked into these relationships gradually and before they realize it, they have "normalized the abnormal"- a great quote from a book I read once. But you won't realize what it's done to your brain (and how strong you are to have survived) till you get out. There really is life on the other side- I'm now surrounded by good people I can trust, who build me up instead of criticizing my every move. My DS is engaged to a wonderful young woman and I have every confidence that he'll be a good husband and father thanks to my second DH's good example.
You don't deserve what your mother is dishing out and she doesn't deserve a dime from you. Focus on taking care of yourself, and get counseling if you need it.0 -
You need to move on with your life ON YOUR OWN. You will never develop the confidence or be happy with someone like that dragging you down. I'm not saying this in a snarky way - you probably need to see a counselor. If you can't afford that, you may be able to find support through something like Codependents Anonymous. Years of abuse leaves an imprint on anyone. Get the help you need to get out of there.0
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If you're paying 95% of the bills, it seems like you could probably make a small cut somewhere and pay 100% of the bills somewhere else without her.
I'd be gone.0 -
that is just so awful. i know she is your mum and the only family you've got but you really need to think about cutting her out of your life.
there are only so many chances you can give someone. you sound like a really nice person and you will feel so much better if you move out and put this horrible relationship behind you.0 -
Hey there....
You are not alone. Many of us have faced this battle.
The one thing I can say, is you need to separate yourself from that situation now that you are financially able to take care of yourself.
She will never stop if you keep taking care of her.
The dehumanization that she is making you endure is nothing more than a perpetuation of other things she dealt with and instead of choosing to stop it she chose to pass it forward. (which is completely wrong on her part and just an assumption on my part...who knows why she did / does it).
In the end, the hardest thing you can do is actually emotionally cut ties and move on.
You say that she is your only family....well then to that, i say who needs enemies with friends like these???
Honestly just because she is your family doesn't mean anything.
You can find a support group for people like you in your community (outside of any of her relatives because they will more than likely just take her side....)
****Note...I have been there so trust me...im not talking out of the side of my neck here****
The support group will become your new family and will help you heal. You will be amazed to see how loving some people are when you are jaded from a life long battle with a chronic abuser.
In the end, leave her alone...cut ties and move on.
The biggest thing, is not to relapse and go back when you get those moments when you feel 'sorry' that you left, or that wonder how they are doing. Just remember that if it went on 25 years then it's obviously not changing.
If you want, you can address the situation in the future when you get a better grounding on yourself with a more stable group of people around you.
Good luck there on your journey! You will need it to stay strong!
Be blessed0 -
Firstly, tell someone so you can have some support. A few people, maybe some online and one or two you know. I know it will be difficult. But it's needed0
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Obviously you are a very beautiful, strong, intelligent and good person. You should seek some professional help. You seen understand and know your position very well and obviously are very bright or you would not have recognized it. At the end of the end, the only one that is in control of your attitude, distination and thoughts is "you", despite the abusive situation...... Your mother probably needs you more than you understand and she needs help as well. At age 25, you need to move on with whats right for you. Your mother is an adult and its time that she grow up! We are suppose to provide for our children, emtional, financially, etc. etc. She is NOT doing that....... You must change in order to get different results...
As the famous quote goes. "doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting different reuslts, is simply the definition of "insanity".0 -
I'm very sorry to hear you're in this situation
I grew up with an abusive step-father, so I know how it is to have an awful, stressful, abusive home life that you feel like you can't escape. I was lucky enough to be able to move in with my biological father, but I know you may not have the option to move in with someone else.
Though you said you're paying 95% of the bills, which sounds like you're mostly financially able to support yourself. Have you looked into finding maybe a roommate and moving out? I know it's probably much harder than it sounds, but it's definitely worth striving for if you can do it. You WILL feel so much better when you're not under 'her roof' (although YOU are paying for 95% of that 'roof'!!!)
And what other people have said - DEFINITELY get counseling. This constant stress is going to take a toll on your mental AND physical health. And you don't deserve to be constantly insulted, belittled and abused. A counselor/therapist will be able to help you and give you recommendations on what to do to escape that abusive environment.0 -
Now that you are 25 years old,
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1GET OUT!!!!!!!! adn stay out. let her pay her own bills.
You will not have a healthy relationship with a family of your own, while you are with her0 -
Move out. I did. It was one of the best decisions I ever made. The only person you have no choice to live with the rest of your life is yourself.0
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Ditto the book Toxic Parents.
Ditto counseling.
Ditto moving on.
I literally dis-associated myself from my parents. Both of them. I was not the only sibling to do so. It wasn't easy, but my sanity and self esteem was more important than maintaining an extremely dysfunctional relationship.0 -
I'm sorry you have had to endure this for as long as you have...... BUT
You have GOT to get out NOW!!!! You have to do this for yourself, it has already done irreparable damage to you and your self esteem. Get out, get counseling and start fresh & new.
You can do this and you NEED to do this!:flowerforyou:0 -
Family does NOT treat you like this. As much as she's your only blood relative, they'll be a time when your family will be your friends and those around you who love you as a person. Considering how she treats you, she's either (a) mentally unstable and dangerous OR (b) abusive and a user. If you're paying 95 percent of the bills, I would say find a friend, ask them for help to get out in one month to build enough money and pack up and leave after you paid the last bill. You can leave her a note and if she's having issues - she can request public assistance. You on the other hand, should be able to start saving money at a friends during that one month to actually get a new place. If you have nowhere to go, if you're a member of a church, please talk to the priest. They may be able to help you get out once you explain the situation you're in and how you might be in danger. The fact that she claims she'll "kill" you is beyond reprehensible. She sounds like she's mentally unstable and you need to get out of there. I bet they could, through the church, help you get out of there. They may find a parishioner who would be willing to take you in for a month to get on your feet. The other option, just take your money and leave, she most likely has income coming from somewhere - that might motivate her to spend her own cash. If you own the house, ask the cops about how to get her out of your home. Its tough but the fact is, family does not treat family in the manner you're talking about. Family loves and respects you. One day you'll find someone who loves and cares for you and here's something to consider, do you want a mother who will treat your children the way she's treating you? If not, I suggest getting out now. She will most likely harm your children mentally if you allow this to continue.0
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Your mom sucks.0
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I am sorry that you have endured that type of abuse for so long. I agree with alot of the other comments that you need to get past tihs and move out.
It sounds as if you have tried to make the best of the situation but you were given this life to not only be a daughter but to go out in the world and like life to it's fullest.
There is nothing wrong with deciding to do something for yourself. Whatever you decide, I know it won't be easy but getting professional guidance would probably be a great help.0 -
i dont know how you have put up with that for so long. i would have run away and never come back. your mother has a serious mental disorder. while you cannot really help her, you can help yourself. move out. get away from her ( for a while) heal and start your life fresh and clean. you cannot tolerate that forever. you will feel so much better when you do. ps.. im sorry no one deserves that. 0
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I was in the same situation. In the end I had to go on with my life. I do.t talk to my mother anymore. She W's mentally and physically abusive. When she started on my daughter my husband banned her from our house. You are beautiful. And special and need to take a stand. Tell her to stop and if she doesn't enforce consequences. You really need to go to counseling. I feel abusers don't really care and will never change. Violence is never the answer. It is dangerous because something bad may happen. You are not two different races. She is the same race as you. You just have an additional race. Which she choose. Take cate of yourself. Be strong. Stop the abuse. Be careful it carries on so take a stand and save your self0
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If you are able to live independently without her, I would move out. First, family or not, you should never tolerate being abused. Even if you talk to her, I'm betting that she will never be able to restrain herself when she feels that you can't get away. After you get out, anytime she is rude to you, tell her that you aren't going to tolerate it and don't talk to her for at least a week. In time, she will get the clue.
If she can't live on her own.....that really is not your problem. Family or not, if she doesn't respect you, she does not deserve your assistance. My wife and I make $150k per year and my brother makes around $15k and has alcohol and drug issues. We let him stay with us 10 years ago and he stole some hydrocodone that I had been prescribed after a surgery. He wouldn't keep his area clean and he was a general pain in the *kitten*. He tried to drive my wife's car without permission when we were out of town. We kicked him out after six weeks. Your situation is far worse than that and I wouldn't tolerate it. Sometimes, you have to let people deal with their own lives.
As hard as it is to swallow... this is the truth.0 -
My husband is estranged from his abusive family. He cut ties years ago and it was a great relief to him. You don't owe her a thing. No one should have to tolerate montrous behavior just because they share genes. Think about doing yourself a favor and find a new family - people who are loving and supportive the way family should be.
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Terribly sad to hear this. Just some advice I was given once which was, 'Where in the rule book does it say we have to have a relationship with our Mother/Father, just because they have that title does not automatically mean they are entitled to a relationship with you'. My advice would be to take some time out from her and to live your life as free and as happy as you can. We only have one go at it and at 44 years old I have finally taken this advice. You're not alone sweetheart, there are plenty of us out there. I have not cut my Mother off completely, I still care for her but I see her on my terms only and we message back and forth so not all is lost.
The main thing is you have to do what makes you happy. I hope you find some solution and inner peace. x0 -
I'm sorry to hear of your situation.
In addition to individual counseling, you might consider Adult Children of Alcoholics (http://adultchildren.org). It isn't just for adult children of alcoholics.
Best wishes.0 -
Many of us have had similar experiences with our parents. The best thing you can do for yourself is to move out and keep your communication with your mother to a minimum. Once you move out, tell your mother you will only have a relationship with her if she is positive and supports you. Let her know, as soon as she is negative, you will leave her/hang up the phone/stop responding to texts, etc. That's what I did with my mother years ago. You will slowly gain control of the relationship.
Ironically, the reason why your mother treats you like she does is because she hates herself and she is jealous of you. She probably thinks you are more beautiful than her, have more to offer other people than she does. Her behavior towards you is common when people have low self-esteem. This is why she dates losers. She doesn't feel worthy of someone that will treat her properly. So, the only way she can feel better about herself is to make someone else (you) feel worse.
MFP is a great place to make new friends that will support you. Surround yourself in your life with positive people. Cut out the ones that bring you down. People want to be around happy/positive people. You may not have a lot of friends now, but you will once you project a happy and positive image of yourself. Removing the negative people from my life (or at least minimizing the amount of time they have access to you) was the only way I found that supported me being happy. It's tough in the beginning, but you will be amazed how much better you feel in a short time. I wish you the best.0 -
Get counseling and move out.
Both my parents are very abusive too, though in different ways. Counseling and cutting myself off from them was the only thing that help. I now have no contact with my father, which has been great, and I do not have an emotional relationship with my mother, although I do visit around the holidays. I know that's probably not what you want to hear, but sometimes you have to love people from a distance.0 -
Time to leave your biological family. And find your LOGICAL family.0
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You need to move out. Just because someone is related by blood to you doesn't mean they deserve a place in your life. Sometimes we have to cut toxic people out of our lives. Good luck to you.0
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Move out. What are you waiting for? Then buy and read Adult Children of Abusive Parents by Stephen Farmer.0
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I don't know how old you are, but if you're paying 95% of the bills, you're old enough to be independent. Move out! You don't need to continue living with the abuse. I also recommend you get counseling. A lot of children who grow up in abusive situations begin to believe that's just normal. It isn't. Please, get some help and get away from your abusive parent!0
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Oh sweetheart, it sounds like you have had a lot to contend with, I would say it was jealousy... but that is no excuse for her bad behaviour!
When I was a child I was told I was the ugly one, the fat one, the naughty one... it wasn't until I grew up and was asked to model for a commission in British Vogue - that I realised that it was all malicious, hateful lies.
She is poison, I'd get out of there if I were you. x
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Get counseling and move out.
EXACTLY
I lived with a verbally and physically abusive father growing up and never felt good enough. He was disappointed that he had all girls and one son that was not "quite right". However I have moved on... he passed about 9 years ago and I had to receive some counseling. But now I realize he was who he was and NONE of it was my fault. I ate to ease the pain of his words and it never helped only gave him another reason to say awful things to me. Just get out before it is too late for you ...0 -
Reading your post I almost thought I was ready about my own life, I know exactly how you feel.
It's hard, but you need to move out.
I no longer have a relationship with my Mum after 18 years of this, I tried to but after I created some distance I realised a lot of my negative feelings stemmed from her and my overeating came from being an unhappy child/teen in a horrible environment.
You need to move out and create some distance for yourself because trust me, once you create some distance you are going to need to work on yourself so much.
I didn't even face up to how emotionally damaged I was from this until I was 20 years old, 2 years after I'd moved away from her. It took me another year after that to actually start focussing on how to come back from it.
Also on the note of counseling - you don't necessarily need it. I found that because nobody believed me as a kid, I found it too difficult to open up and get any real help from a counsellor. So instead I started focussing on myself, working out why I felt how I did and doing things to make myself feel better. Now, I actually like myself. Which is amazing considering how worthless she made me feel my whole life.
You are better than this.0
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