Please some help- Extremely abusive mother

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Replies

  • Bownzi
    Bownzi Posts: 423 Member
    Wow... I was thinking my mother since my father passed was bad .... The negative influences make it hard.... And mine still pats me on the stomach and says. Well you need to work on that.... Like I didn't already know.... Sabotage is her most used weapon... Soooooo I call her before she calls me... And control a lot of the conversation... It's hard I know but keep positive....realization is the first step... You will succeed ...
  • WinnerVictorious
    WinnerVictorious Posts: 4,733 Member
    Leave. And stay gone.

    ^ this.

    remember it's not about you, it's about her. shes the one with the anger and unhappiness and she's just projecting it onto you.

    don't expect her to ever change. if she could have, she would have by now. get out and cut all ties. maybe 10 or 15 years from now you can check back and see if she's changed, but for now you need to get out and start living your own life free from that. don't let the verbal abuse and insults affect how you view yourself. you only get one life and it goes by much faster than any of us want it to, so don't waste any more time. create a plan of action on how you can get out and move on, and then execute the plan.
  • SwimFan1981
    SwimFan1981 Posts: 1,430 Member
    You're 25, move out. Start a new life, **** her, she sounds horrendous!

    Good luck with whatever you do, karma will sort the rest out.
  • elsiesnow
    elsiesnow Posts: 33 Member
    Sounds like you really need some friends and connections to lean on. I'm sending you a friend request right after I finish this. My mother is also an extremely toxic, verbally abusive person. Right now, I see her about once a year - I would see her less often, but my sister usually wants me to go with her for a visit, and I feel like I can't let her be there alone.

    Just because she gave birth to you, and raised you, does not make her a mother. Being a mother means providing love, caring support, and fiercely protecting the mental, physical, and social well-being of your children. The woman you live with is doing everything she can to undermine you. I am glad that despite all this, you have grown into a thoughtful, wonderful person, who deserves to find happiness and security in life. You deserve to have a safe haven at home where you live, and in your relationships with other people.

    You sound lonely. Try building a support network here on MFP, but I'd also recommend joining some clubs or volunteering in order to meet people where you live. Think of something that sounds interesting, and you'll meet people you'll like. Try the library, the hospital, local bookstores for a book club, local knitting stores for classes/clubs (you can tell I like books and crafts). Just meeting some more people, and building good relationships/friendships with them, will help give you strength and confidence.

    I agree with a previous poster that you are experiencing abuse, and might be able to benefit from help from a local agency. Please call a local women's shelter/abuse group - just to talk - and find out if they can give you further references or resources to follow up with. Even just having someone to talk to can help. My mother goes thru all my stuff, so if your does that too, please make sure you keep any paperwork someplace secure until the day comes when you are ready to leave. I'm here for you during your journey, however long that takes for you. I know it can take a long time. [HUG]
  • CorvusCorax77
    CorvusCorax77 Posts: 2,536 Member
    I will just say I have no idea how you can get better if you are still living with your abuser.

    Get out.

    Then heal.

    You deserve this.
  • Just2Bhappy
    Just2Bhappy Posts: 113 Member
    What a terrible person, she must have some serious issues of her own to be lashing at you like this. I'm so sorry. You need to get out of that situation. You deserve so much better than that.
  • ranganayakee
    ranganayakee Posts: 67 Member
    I'd say that both of you need the space to figure out where the relationship is.Move away for a while and give yourself and her the time and see where things stand.
  • ranganayakee
    ranganayakee Posts: 67 Member
    Sounds like you really need some friends and connections to lean on. I'm sending you a friend request right after I finish this. My mother is also an extremely toxic, verbally abusive person. Right now, I see her about once a year - I would see her less often, but my sister usually wants me to go with her for a visit, and I feel like I can't let her be there alone.

    Just because she gave birth to you, and raised you, does not make her a mother. Being a mother means providing love, caring support, and fiercely protecting the mental, physical, and social well-being of your children. The woman you live with is doing everything she can to undermine you. I am glad that despite all this, you have grown into a thoughtful, wonderful person, who deserves to find happiness and security in life. You deserve to have a safe haven at home where you live, and in your relationships with other people.

    You sound lonely. Try building a support network here on MFP, but I'd also recommend joining some clubs or volunteering in order to meet people where you live. Think of something that sounds interesting, and you'll meet people you'll like. Try the library, the hospital, local bookstores for a book club, local knitting stores for classes/clubs (you can tell I like books and crafts). Just meeting some more people, and building good relationships/friendships with them, will help give you strength and confidence.

    I agree with a previous poster that you are experiencing abuse, and might be able to benefit from help from a local agency. Please call a local women's shelter/abuse group - just to talk - and find out if they can give you further references or resources to follow up with. Even just having someone to talk to can help. My mother goes thru all my stuff, so if your does that too, please make sure you keep any paperwork someplace secure until the day comes when you are ready to leave. I'm here for you during your journey, however long that takes for you. I know it can take a long time. [HUG]
    I am sorry to hear what you'd been through but you are inspiring.
  • meshashesha2012
    meshashesha2012 Posts: 8,329 Member
    i grew up with similar type emotional abuse.

    my advice is to leave the situation as quickly as you can so that you can begin YOUR healing process. if eventually that brings you to a place where you can have a semi-relationship with your mom, that's fine but for now you need to leave so that you can start building yourself up.

    is it possible to move out and in with roommates? other family members? or at least not be home as much?

    good luck:flowerforyou:
  • KelliH729
    KelliH729 Posts: 208 Member
    Get counseling and move out.

    ^^ this. You said you pay 95% of the bills, so you KNOW you can manage on your own. You CAN do this, you do not deserve to be treated that way. Make sure you get somewhere that she does not know about, basically do not tell her where you are going or living. You do also need to begin counseling and see yourself the way you deserve to be seen, not the way your mother sees you. Your mother needs help but until she chooses to get it, you need to get away before the cycle repeats itself and you end up with a man like her, or worse you treat your kids that way.
  • kellspells
    kellspells Posts: 1
    Hi there, I understand a bit because my mother was verbally abusive, probably since the day I was born, an event which she told me on two occasions that she wished had never happened. I was told on a daily basis that I was thick, ugly and a fat cow all of which were hurtful but I believed her. I was lucky in that I have a very good looking, smart and extremely confident older brother who used to look out for me when she got physical, up until the age of about 12 when someone told him he was a cissy for hanging around with his sister. Then when I was about 16, all the boys started to chat me up and I was totally confused - why would anyone want to go out with a big fat ugly cow like me? Turns out I wasn't big or fat or even ugly she had just convinced me that I was.
    To cut a miserable story short, I met my husband, he asked me to marry him on our second date and 29years later we are still extremely happy, so much so that I am now fat, but quite good looking and definitely not a cow.
    My mother is stuck in a loveless marriage and my father is her full-time carer; she has suffered 2 severe strokes, has heart failure lymphodema, cannot walk at all or talk for long and relies on others to do her bidding. She does not live in England now, but my brother lives just up the road from them and never visits her, he does take my father out for a break from her. She 'died' just before Christmas and they brought her back, she doesn't know why. They call it Karma. My father is stuck there because he never defended me, and she is stuck there for all the terrible things she did to me. She rings me constantly and I listen to her rantings 'cos she has no-one else. The thing that really annoys me is that the rest of the family knew what she was doing but daren't interfere.
    Talk to someone because you are not the things she says you are, you are a lovely person who deserves a lovely life away from this despicable woman.
    I am thinking of you and always remember , what goes around comes around-don't wish her ill, that will just happen.
  • shoneybabes
    shoneybabes Posts: 199 Member
    You need to get out of there. No one should put up with abuse of any sort. Please please please move away. You will understand the freedom once you have it. Don't let her control you. She is weak and is suffering her own misery and has no right to pull you through it too.

    It will be a scary thing to do. I hope you have friends who can help you through the move.

    Take that step.

    May you find peace
  • SkimFlatWhite68
    SkimFlatWhite68 Posts: 1,254 Member
    You don't need family like that.

    Get some therapy, find your inner self, make friends, leave this woman behind.

    Carve a new and better path for your life.

    Best wishes XO
  • tassiaocalla
    tassiaocalla Posts: 12 Member
    That's really horrible. But you sound like such a strong person, I would say move out and power through without her. Hopefully there will come a time where she realises how important you are and asks for your forgiveness. But from the sounds of it, as harsh as this sounds, I wouldn't count on it. Just make sure you live your life the way you want, and live it only for yourself, not to spite others. :) You sound like such a lovely, strong person, you will be alright :D xoxo
  • CallMeCupcakeDammit
    CallMeCupcakeDammit Posts: 9,377 Member
    It might help to think of her not as your mother but as your birth vessel. The way she has treated you is not mothering, so she isn't your mother.

    I was just thinking the same thing. I hope you find the strength to leave and start living your life. She makes my mom look like a saint. Best of luck to you. :heart:
  • ToFatToBeSick
    ToFatToBeSick Posts: 113
    If she's living with you and you're the one paying the bills, kick her *kitten* out. If she's going to disrespect you in your own house, then something should be done. I wouldn't put up with it. I've kicked family out of my place for being disrespectful and ungrateful. It's just blood.
  • UsedToBeHusky
    UsedToBeHusky Posts: 15,228 Member
    If you are paying 95% of the bills, then you can pay 100% of the bills. Get your own place. Put some space between you and her. I know she is all the family that you have, but that doesn't mean that you have to put up with her ****!

    All my best! I'm so sorry that you didn't have a better mother. :flowerforyou:
  • SlimSumday
    SlimSumday Posts: 379 Member
    Get counseling and move out.
    Definitely

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