Emotional affair-need advice!

Confused2013
Confused2013 Posts: 4
in Motivation and Support
I've been in a relationship 17 years. I do love this man, as any couple we've had our ups and downs. Probably about 5 years ago he was in a period where he was drinking too much and was sending horrible messages to a woman that works in our same organization about wanting to meet for you know what. As you probably figured out, I found out. Huge heart to hearts and drinking stopped and we rebuilt and moved on.
Fast forward to today. I find messages on his phone from his high school sweetheart. Asking her to call at 0100. I was at work. Next email he said what a sexy voice she had. Another said that she has the best you know what's he's ever seen.....hands down. Now I know she lives hours away.......but how do I handle this situation??? Thanks for listening!!!!!!!
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Replies

  • Alatariel75
    Alatariel75 Posts: 18,347 Member
    Kick him to the kerb. Even if he isn't bumping uglies with her in real life, he's doing it in his head. If this was the first time, I'd say work it out, but this is the second time you've caught him which means there is at least another 3 times you don't know about.
  • JJordon
    JJordon Posts: 857 Member
    Leave.

    Or confront and decide (then leave).

    Find out what he says, weigh it against what you know.
  • nornyb
    nornyb Posts: 224 Member
    His actions do not support his promises.....boot his *kitten* out.
  • Confused2013
    Confused2013 Posts: 4
    Oh there is a confrontation. I took pictures and sent it to his phone!!!! Can't wait for morning
  • Songbird1104
    Songbird1104 Posts: 210 Member
    Get out of the relationship. You may love him, but he clearly does not respect you enough. You can find better.
  • MozzarellaSheep
    MozzarellaSheep Posts: 100 Member
    If it was the first time, I'd say maybe there was hope. However.. this is the second time. There is absolutely no reason he needs to be talking to her about how amazing her lady bits are. Confront him, and either get marriage counseling or kick him to the curb. You deserve better.
  • PikaKnight
    PikaKnight Posts: 34,971 Member
    Talk to HIM. You've been together 17 years so you know communication is key. Perhaps after, you will decide on counseling or divorce. But seriously, what is a bunch of strangers going to really be able to tell you? The best advice is to keep your relationship issues "in house"...or at least go see a counselor.

    Sharing your personal issues with him with a bunch of strangers isn't really going to do you any good. We don't know the whole story and what we tell you could be something that you really shouldn't take to heart. Also, I'm sure he'd be pissed if he found out and if this "messaging" turned out to be nothing...then this post would end up being the something that causes an argument (if he found out...which, though to point out, if you want honesty, you should also be able to return.)
  • simplydelish2
    simplydelish2 Posts: 726 Member
    The first time he did this was his fault. This time it's your fault for not leaving the first time. Why stay in a relationship where he doesn't love and respect you? Break-ups are tough....but either respect yourself and move on without him - or accept that his behavior is what it is and play second (or third, or seventh) fiddle the rest of your life.
  • vesperpt
    vesperpt Posts: 44 Member
    He can leave. No excuses. Excuses usually lead to convincing, and convincing usually leads to staying. And staying usually leads to a repeat of alllll of this once you think everything is back to normal..
  • TheGnomeQueen
    TheGnomeQueen Posts: 43
    Sounds like he has been a dog from day one.
  • Kimistry_
    Kimistry_ Posts: 91
    Someone once told me that if you're thinking of cheating, then you've already done so. I'd kick him out right quick, especially if you've already given him a second chance. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well you know the rest!
  • Confused2013
    Confused2013 Posts: 4
    Talk to HIM. You've been together 17 years so you know communication is key. Perhaps after, you will decide on counseling or divorce. But seriously, what is a bunch of strangers going to really be able to tell you? The best advice is to keep your relationship issues "in house"...or at least go see a counselor.

    Sharing your personal issues with him with a bunch of strangers isn't really going to do you any good. We don't know the whole story and what we tell you could be something that you really shouldn't take to heart. Also, I'm sure he'd be pissed if he found out and if this "messaging" turned out to be nothing...then this post would end up being the something that causes an argument (if he found out...which, though to point out, if you want honesty, you should also be able to return.)

    I absolutely agree with what you are saying!!! I'm just in such shock and need to vent and figure out my feelings. This kinda hit me in the gut
  • Mcgrawhaha
    Mcgrawhaha Posts: 1,596 Member
    you know the saying, "fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me!" you already forgave him the first time, and what are the chances that you happen to catch him the only 2 times that hes been a snake? im sure there are atleast double that number in other times that YOU DONT KNOW ABOUT. hey, if you dont mind being made a fool, and possible std's, then stick around and be his personal trash can, but if you know THAT YOU ARE BETTER THAN THAT, AND DESERVE THE BEST, id hit the road and find a REAL MAN!
  • Alatariel75
    Alatariel75 Posts: 18,347 Member
    Talk to HIM. You've been together 17 years so you know communication is key. Perhaps after, you will decide on counseling or divorce. But seriously, what is a bunch of strangers going to really be able to tell you? The best advice is to keep your relationship issues "in house"...or at least go see a counselor.

    Sharing your personal issues with him with a bunch of strangers isn't really going to do you any good. We don't know the whole story and what we tell you could be something that you really shouldn't take to heart. Also, I'm sure he'd be pissed if he found out and if this "messaging" turned out to be nothing...then this post would end up being the something that causes an argument (if he found out...which, though to point out, if you want honesty, you should also be able to return.)

    I absolutely agree with what you are saying!!! I'm just in such shock and need to vent and figure out my feelings. This kinda hit me in the gut

    I actually think that if you can get your "OMFG WTF ARRRGGHHHH!!!!!" out to people who don't matter first, you're in a better, more settled position to confront the person who actually matters when the time comes.
  • Confused2013
    Confused2013 Posts: 4
    Talk to HIM. You've been together 17 years so you know communication is key. Perhaps after, you will decide on counseling or divorce. But seriously, what is a bunch of strangers going to really be able to tell you? The best advice is to keep your relationship issues "in house"...or at least go see a counselor.

    Sharing your personal issues with him with a bunch of strangers isn't really going to do you any good. We don't know the whole story and what we tell you could be something that you really shouldn't take to heart. Also, I'm sure he'd be pissed if he found out and if this "messaging" turned out to be nothing...then this post would end up being the something that causes an argument (if he found out...which, though to point out, if you want honesty, you should also be able to return.)

    I absolutely agree with what you are saying!!! I'm just in such shock and need to vent and figure out my feelings. This kinda hit me in the gut

    I actually think that if you can get your "OMFG WTF ARRRGGHHHH!!!!!" out to people who don't matter first, you're in a better, more settled position to confront the person who actually matters when the time comes.

    Thank you for understanding.
  • nornyb
    nornyb Posts: 224 Member
    Talk to HIM. You've been together 17 years so you know communication is key. Perhaps after, you will decide on counseling or divorce. But seriously, what is a bunch of strangers going to really be able to tell you? The best advice is to keep your relationship issues "in house"...or at least go see a counselor.

    Sharing your personal issues with him with a bunch of strangers isn't really going to do you any good. We don't know the whole story and what we tell you could be something that you really shouldn't take to heart. Also, I'm sure he'd be pissed if he found out and if this "messaging" turned out to be nothing...then this post would end up being the something that causes an argument (if he found out...which, though to point out, if you want honesty, you should also be able to return.)

    I agree that communication is key....however, this messaging isn't vague. He is telling another woman she has a sexy voice (obviously he has talked to her) and admiring her parts. Not sure how that could end up being nothing.
  • VanessaHeartsMasr
    VanessaHeartsMasr Posts: 727
    Also, I'm sure he'd be pissed if he found out and if this "messaging" turned out to be nothing...then this post would end up being the something that causes an argument (if he found out...which, though to point out, if you want honesty, you should also be able to return.)

    So finding texts to another woman telling her she has fabulous t*ts is nothing? And sorry, I disagree with you about keeping issues like this "in house" as you say. Sometimes people need a subjective opinion from people who don't have an emotional connection to them. Sounds like you have never been in a situation like this, or if you have, you sweep your issues under the rug. Give the girl a break, jeez, she's just asking for advice. If you don't like what she has to say, don't read it!

    As to the OP, I'd do some SERIOUS thinking about WHY exactly you love this guy so much, when he treats you like you are worth nothing to him. I'd get out. Sounds like a merry-go-round relationship to me. I speak from experience.
  • boomerz12
    boomerz12 Posts: 140
    Leave him. You may love somebody, but that doesn't mean you're meant to be. He sounds like a jerk and he's not keeping his promise to you. If I were you, I'd be wondering about all the things I didn't know about.
  • upgetupgetup
    upgetupgetup Posts: 749 Member
    as any couple we've had our ups and downs.

    Between this above, and what's happened, I'm hearing "we have had some knock-down fights and have never really been good at communicating with each other".

    He doesn't sound like he's in the headspace for counselling.

    If all that's true: life is short, and it doesn't have to be the way it's been for 17 years. But stay or go, help (for you) with working out whatever's kept you with him this long would be a good thing, would guess.
  • itzmelaura
    itzmelaura Posts: 5 Member
    It's really easy to say, "Kick him out" but your first statement was "I love this man." Time to ask yourself why you love him... and secondly, ask yourself why you felt the need to go through his phone and email. Evidently there is still trust issues there (for you) and he is proving that there should be trust issues. If he is talking to other women about things that belong only in a relationship, then he is the one with the problem- doesn't matter what is going on in your relationship. His behavior is not okay, no matter what. If he is unhappy, then he needs to make the choice to leave, not to do what he is doing. But by you "working thru it" last time, he probably figures you will again. Buck up, Sister... this is what your life will continue to be if you stay, or let him stay. Change is hard and letting go is really hard. But I've been there and the relief that comes from that change is astronomical. You will feel better about yourself because you don't have to wonder who he is talking to or what he is doing. Life will become about you and making yourself happy. So, figure out why you love him, what he brings to the relationship, what you would do if you found yourself single again, and how your future is going to unfold for you. Be calm, and carry on :)
  • wldrose75
    wldrose75 Posts: 128
    If all that's true: life is short, and it doesn't have to be the way it's been for 17 years. But stay or go, help (for you) with working out whatever's kept you with him this long would be a good thing, would guess.

    This! My advise to you is to see a counselor by yourself. Figure out where you are and get help processing his cheating and anything else you need to process. Then you can make a decision that's the best and healthiest for you. Take care of yourself, no one else will.
  • matt2442
    matt2442 Posts: 1,259 Member
    Well the relationship doesnt seem so healthy if you have to go through his phone to start off with..bye bye sayonara
  • glovepuppet
    glovepuppet Posts: 1,710 Member
    it's not the first time.
    it's his pattern.
    it's who he is.
    he's a liar and a cheat.
    and he's not even being careful.
    and you distrust him enough to check.
    your relationship blows.

    do you want to spend the rest of your life in this rubbis relationship?
    or do you believe you deserve better and can get better?
  • evileen99
    evileen99 Posts: 1,564 Member
    He may have been doing this all along and you only caught him twice. He's shown you the man he is--a cheater.

    Time to move on. And get yourself tested for STDs.
  • BflSaberfan
    BflSaberfan Posts: 1,272
    Can I recommend a forum specifically for this? Go to Survivinginfidelity.com and post in the just found out forum. I think you will find the answers and advice you need there, those people have been through it (some numerous times). Take care of yourself in the mean time. Once the shock wears off the anger is going to hit hard, make sure you are eating and sleeping.
  • irishblonde2011
    irishblonde2011 Posts: 618 Member
    Sorry to hear you are going through this.
    I think the question you have to ask yourself is why are you letting someone treat you this way?
    Yes you are together a long time but why put up with this?

    Best of luck :smile:
  • Admiral_Derp
    Admiral_Derp Posts: 866 Member
    There's a huge difference between harmless flirting as in goofing off with a friend, and flirting as in trying to see somebody else naked. If you all are in a commited relationship the second one is bad, and to me that sounds like what it is. But the fact is, a bunch of strangers on the internet with limited information can't really give the best advice about what to do. Open, and honest communication between the two of you can be the only reasonable place to start. Either way, don't let yourself be used. Be strong, and look out for yourself!
  • metaphoria
    metaphoria Posts: 1,432 Member
    Sounds like it's already over, you just need to clean up the mess.
  • Pixi_Rex
    Pixi_Rex Posts: 1,676 Member
    Talk to HIM. You've been together 17 years so you know communication is key. Perhaps after, you will decide on counseling or divorce. But seriously, what is a bunch of strangers going to really be able to tell you? The best advice is to keep your relationship issues "in house"...or at least go see a counselor.

    Sharing your personal issues with him with a bunch of strangers isn't really going to do you any good. We don't know the whole story and what we tell you could be something that you really shouldn't take to heart. Also, I'm sure he'd be pissed if he found out and if this "messaging" turned out to be nothing...then this post would end up being the something that causes an argument (if he found out...which, though to point out, if you want honesty, you should also be able to return.)


    yup this.
  • sally_jeffswife
    sally_jeffswife Posts: 766 Member
    move on, If he really cared genuinely about you he wouldn't be able to do anything hurtful like that to you. To me that shows he doesn't care about you he cares about himself and is just using you like he would a jacket when he's cold. Just take comfort in knowing if he would do that when he's suppose to be with you he would prob do that to the person he's chatting with also and you still have hope in finding someone decent when you move on.

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