List of things worth living for.

JesterMFP

I am Type 1 Bipolar. I have an abused history where my parents have told me they wished I were dead. You are not alone.

I am currently on Lamictal, 400 mgs. It is, to date, the most stable medication I have been on. Over the last four years I have tried: Paxil, Zoloft, Amitryptiline, Temazpam, Abilify, Rispordal, Trazadone, and Hydroxozine. In writing this, I feel like I might have left a med or two out, but can't quite remember.

The point of this is that you need to keep trying - especially with medication. Bipolar by psychology is not enough. You will continue to spiral out of control. You will continue have suicide ideation. You will not get better. We have a chemical disorder. That requires chemical treatment. One - or two or three - bad experiences with medication does not warrant swearing off them completely. It is only an excuse.

And no - you do not get to hurt other people. You do not get to lash out at others because you were hurt. You do not get to do to others what was done to you. That is not allowed. You will not heal, you will not feel better, you will only be digging yourself further and further into self-hatred.

What they did to you does NOT give you permission to do the same to others. Being dealt that pain DOES NOT give you free reign to hurt other people. You do not have that right. It is unfair and it hurts and it is cosmically cruel that you have to live with it.

But you do. The more work you do on what they did to you, the easier it becomes not to hurt other people.

There is a danger to asking people you don't know what they are living for. It will remind you of what you do not have, which will make you feel worse. There are safer places for this line of questioning - which is a valid question. It will not help to toss it out to the general public.

Your parents - and likely other people - were abusers. Contemplating if they were right will not help you heal.

You have reached out which is admirable. But the help you will get here is not what you need. It will only add to the pile of "Well I tried this and it didn't work", when in reality, what you're trying CANNOT help. You are looking for hope in a place where people cannot give the kind of hope you need.

You don't stop here. You don't lay down the sword on the battlefield and accept your fate as one of never ending agony. You keep going. You keep trying. You. Just. Don't. Stop.

"If you're going through Hell - DON'T STOP. KEEP GOING." The wastelands of mental illness and the frustrations about treatment do not ever go away. No one will be able to make that promise to you and be able to keep it. But you can get better. You can rise out of it. You can reach ground zero and you can build up from there.

You just have to keep going. Find the right people. Find the right treatments. Be ready for both of those to change - our illness shifts (both chemical and mentally) - there will never be a place where it stays good all the time.

But you do not stop. You keep going.

Please read and absorb this post, OP.

Dauntlessness

I just went through your responses no offense to the others.

It sounds like you are type 2 Bipolar like me. Unlike many other people who are Bipolar, it was noticed when I was 3 years old but I didn't get officially diagnosed until I was 12. For those who don't know, Type 2 is Manic depressive along with manic episodes. Type 1 is the one that people have almost psychotic episodes and tend to be very self destructive to the point where they will do things like run around naked in public while starting fights with people without remembering what they did or having episodes that last for weeks sometimes. Type 2 is the lesser dramatic of the two types but trust me, its is very difficult to deal with. At times in my life I was suicidal a couple times a month and depressed for 2-3 weeks out of the month. The inner turmoil is like nothing you'd believe so when people with bipolar reach out like this, they are probably to their breaking point because they have already stuffed their feelings so much, its spilling over.

Okay, I have been in therapy since I was 3 years old off and on throughout the years. In my early 20s I became a manager for a a non profit that assisted handicapped adults with daily living skills. The other aspect of the position was helping them with behavioral issues due to mental illness and they were pretty violent. I have so much training and obtained many certifications/degrees on Bipolar. I left this position around 24 year old but continued with my education.
So back to the medical side of my journey. I had I kept getting sent from doctor to doctor over these last 30 years (as you can imagine) and it got to the point I knew more than the doctors/therapist/ counselors and it wasn't worth my time anymore. So what then?

I went through a downward spiral for about 3 years in my late 20s. It was the worst time of my life. I started playing video games like 16 hours a day just to zone out. I know that feeling your having. I don't believe you want to actually kill yourself but its almost like you don't want to live. You want all the inner turmoil to stop even for a few moments because you need a break. You want everything to make sense and you want to be normal like everyone else. You always struggle and life is has it out for you. Right?

All those things can be changed. These are the steps I took that really worked for me

There is a pretty big difference between Bipolar 1 and Bipolar 2. Write down your cycles. Trust me, it seems tedious but its super important. Hormone issues often accompany Bipolar so write down your menstrual cycle with it too. Do you have "woman issues"?

* Go on birth control to control your hormones. This is HUGE. trust me , it works

* Recent studies have shown the BEST treatment for Bipolar is not to load up on meds but go to therapy once a week, a group(I will touch on this in a minute) and a low dose of mood stabilizer. It has shown amazing results. You have to put the work in though.

* Antidepressants make me suicidal and make ALOT of people with Bipolar too. It does not work on us like other people. Especially people with type 2 Bipolar.

* If you smoke, Stop. It makes it worse.

*We get labeled with other things like "PTSD, ADD, ADHD" because the symptoms mimic Bipolar. This is a sign of an uneducated therapist or nurse practitioner. The only one I find to be pretty accurate is Borderline effective disorder. It is basically the inability to deal with crisis or the ability to deal with it very well, normal everyday dilemmas, having an all or nothing outlook, lac of empathy or wayyy too much empathy, Lac of social skills, Having periods of being numb, the inability to be present in you life on a day to day basis. Basically your constantly in your own head without experiencing life around you.

* Start therapy once a week, go on a low dose of meds and attend NOT a BIpolar group but a DBT group. Its called dialectical behavior therapy. This teaches you how to sit back and really take control of your emotions (even though being bipolar you cant control the chemical embalance but you can control your actions and curb the intense emotions) This was UNESSENTIAL to my stability.. I went for over 2 years once a week to therapy and once a week to DBT. DBT is like a class rather than a support group. You have homework every week and its not a pity party group.

* DO NOT go to a counselor or a psychologist. A psychologist wont have the time usually and a counselor is not qualified enough. Therapy is what you need. There is a big difference in the way they approach treatment.

I really hope that helps. Since completing all those things I have lost all this weight and I haven't been suicidal for a few years now. I almost never cry...maybe once or twice a year when I used to once a week and I don't have outburst of emotion like I did. It works.

sammirust

i feel the same sometimes, especially now that im off my medication. i would say first ask to be on medication, maybe that would help. if not you can try to go a more natural route with vitamins and such to help boost your mood.
as for your list....

children.
seeing tomorrow.
grandchildren.
sex- of course
love, and passion

just to name a few. i hope you find your peace best of luck.

sissiluv

Not gonna lie, my family and friends are why I'm alive right now.
And my cat.

fitfreakymom

me
Family
daughter
hubby
friends
my animals
nature
food
Jack daniels
hitting the trails
helping people
helping animals
diet pop
chocolate!

skinnyinnotime

My boys
Myself
Our future

skinnyinnotime

The people in your life, such as your family, that you will permanently harm and perhaps even emotionally destroy, should you be so stupid as to actually go through with it. It is the most selfish act possible because it only ends YOUR problems. You leave your family to pick up the pieces. Do you also know that should you do it, the likelihood of another family member doing the same dramatically increases? Think about it.

Think about the fact that my family does not actually care about me at all and have told me to my face that they would be better off if I was never born.
Think about the fact that a suicidal person feels like they would be making the world a HAPPIER place .. you call that selfish?

Life is precious, think of all the people battling with illnesses WANTING to live, you have that, don't waste it

fitfreakymom

As far as the family that have told you that they do not want you and wished you were never born, maby you need to cut them out of your life and surround yourself with people who do want you.

quirkytizzy

I just went through your responses no offense to the others.

It sounds like you are type 2 Bipolar like me. Unlike many other people who are Bipolar, it was noticed when I was 3 years old but I didn't get officially diagnosed until I was 12. For those who don't know, Type 2 is Manic depressive along with manic episodes. Type 1 is the one that people have almost psychotic episodes and tend to be very self destructive to the point where they will do things like run around naked in public while starting fights with people without remembering what they did or having episodes that last for weeks sometimes. Type 2 is the lesser dramatic of the two types but trust me, its is very difficult to deal with. At times in my life I was suicidal a couple times a month and depressed for 2-3 weeks out of the month. The inner turmoil is like nothing you'd believe so when people with bipolar reach out like this, they are probably to their breaking point because they have already stuffed their feelings so much, its spilling over.

Type 2 Bipolar is it's own special hell. My sympathies for you. While I am Type 1, the low points are so extreme that I cannot imagine living under the burden of that continually. I think you are brave. I also admire your courage and strength in continuing treatment. Often that is just as hard as dealing with symptoms. Thank you for sharing your story.

sunsnstatheart

I am Type 1 Bipolar. I have an abused history where my parents have told me they wished I were dead. You are not alone.

I am currently on Lamictal, 400 mgs. It is, to date, the most stable medication I have been on. Over the last four years I have tried: Paxil, Zoloft, Amitryptiline, Temazpam, Abilify, Rispordal, Trazadone, and Hydroxozine. In writing this, I feel like I might have left a med or two out, but can't quite remember.

The point of this is that you need to keep trying - especially with medication. Bipolar by psychology is not enough. You will continue to spiral out of control. You will continue have suicide ideation. You will not get better. We have a chemical disorder. That requires chemical treatment. One - or two or three - bad experiences with medication does not warrant swearing off them completely. It is only an excuse.

And no - you do not get to hurt other people. You do not get to lash out at others because you were hurt. You do not get to do to others what was done to you. That is not allowed. You will not heal, you will not feel better, you will only be digging yourself further and further into self-hatred.

What they did to you does NOT give you permission to do the same to others. Being dealt that pain DOES NOT give you free reign to hurt other people. You do not have that right. It is unfair and it hurts and it is cosmically cruel that you have to live with it.

But you do. The more work you do on what they did to you, the easier it becomes not to hurt other people.

There is a danger to asking people you don't know what they are living for. It will remind you of what you do not have, which will make you feel worse. There are safer places for this line of questioning - which is a valid question. It will not help to toss it out to the general public.

Your parents - and likely other people - were abusers. Contemplating if they were right will not help you heal.

You have reached out which is admirable. But the help you will get here is not what you need. It will only add to the pile of "Well I tried this and it didn't work", when in reality, what you're trying CANNOT help. You are looking for hope in a place where people cannot give the kind of hope you need.

You don't stop here. You don't lay down the sword on the battlefield and accept your fate as one of never ending agony. You keep going. You keep trying. You. Just. Don't. Stop.

"If you're going through Hell - DON'T STOP. KEEP GOING." The wastelands of mental illness and the frustrations about treatment do not ever go away. No one will be able to make that promise to you and be able to keep it. But you can get better. You can rise out of it. You can reach ground zero and you can build up from there.

You just have to keep going. Find the right people. Find the right treatments. Be ready for both of those to change - our illness shifts (both chemical and mentally) - there will never be a place where it stays good all the time.

But you do not stop. You keep going.

I had to step away from this thread because of the anger threatened suicides produces in me. That's my problem not the OP's. That said, coming back and carefully reading this post, I have to say that it is one of the best I've ever read on the mental health battle. OP, read this and contemplate it. You are not alone.

DawnieB1977

I would suggest you speak to your doctor!

But things worth living for...

For me, my kids. No matter what time of the morning, there is nothing nicer than a hug from them and a little voice saying 'mummy I love you lots'. My husband, he is amazing. My family. I nearly lost my mum last year and now I appreciate the smallest things like a text from her. I cried at the birthday card she wrote me last year because I'd thought she wouldn't be around.

Other things...the feel of the sun on your face, the beach, coffee, a catch up with a good friend, exercise, a good book or movie, that Friday feeling,......

5thbidness

I am Type 1 Bipolar. I have an abused history where my parents have told me they wished I were dead. You are not alone.

I am currently on Lamictal, 400 mgs. It is, to date, the most stable medication I have been on. Over the last four years I have tried: Paxil, Zoloft, Amitryptiline, Temazpam, Abilify, Rispordal, Trazadone, and Hydroxozine. In writing this, I feel like I might have left a med or two out, but can't quite remember.

The point of this is that you need to keep trying - especially with medication. Bipolar by psychology is not enough. You will continue to spiral out of control. You will continue have suicide ideation. You will not get better. We have a chemical disorder. That requires chemical treatment. One - or two or three - bad experiences with medication does not warrant swearing off them completely. It is only an excuse.

And no - you do not get to hurt other people. You do not get to lash out at others because you were hurt. You do not get to do to others what was done to you. That is not allowed. You will not heal, you will not feel better, you will only be digging yourself further and further into self-hatred.

What they did to you does NOT give you permission to do the same to others. Being dealt that pain DOES NOT give you free reign to hurt other people. You do not have that right. It is unfair and it hurts and it is cosmically cruel that you have to live with it.

But you do. The more work you do on what they did to you, the easier it becomes not to hurt other people.

There is a danger to asking people you don't know what they are living for. It will remind you of what you do not have, which will make you feel worse. There are safer places for this line of questioning - which is a valid question. It will not help to toss it out to the general public.

Your parents - and likely other people - were abusers. Contemplating if they were right will not help you heal.

You have reached out which is admirable. But the help you will get here is not what you need. It will only add to the pile of "Well I tried this and it didn't work", when in reality, what you're trying CANNOT help. You are looking for hope in a place where people cannot give the kind of hope you need.

You don't stop here. You don't lay down the sword on the battlefield and accept your fate as one of never ending agony. You keep going. You keep trying. You. Just. Don't. Stop.

"If you're going through Hell - DON'T STOP. KEEP GOING." The wastelands of mental illness and the frustrations about treatment do not ever go away. No one will be able to make that promise to you and be able to keep it. But you can get better. You can rise out of it. You can reach ground zero and you can build up from there.

You just have to keep going. Find the right people. Find the right treatments. Be ready for both of those to change - our illness shifts (both chemical and mentally) - there will never be a place where it stays good all the time.

But you do not stop. You keep going.

this is important today. good post. thanks.