Trying to overcome my parents' bullying

sethysgirl

My family was like that all through school. I was the thinnest one in my family when they bullied me about being overweight. It has caused some issues with me, but now it is the motivation for me to lose. I decided to turn all the negative into positive, especially when my mom started asking me if I was going to stop working on losing soon. I have not gotten down to the weight I was during that time, but she is trying to tell me to stop. Now, I want to get down to that weight soon and rub it in my mom's face saying, "This is where I was when you called me fat. this is where I was when you thought I needed to get more exercise than anyone else. This is where I was. I still have some weight to go, so don't speak of my weight again."
Standing up to family abuse is hard, I know that. I would suggest just ignoring them as much as you can and when it gets too much, walk away. I would also suggest getting a therapist. Mine helped me overcome some of the hurt that I still felt 10 years later.

babydiego87

I'm sorry, that's awful. A thought though...perhaps your mother knows what it's like being overweight and is trying some 'tough love'. I'm not excusing her whatsoever but maybe she's trying in her 'own' way. I would really reccomend sitting down with her and explaining how her comments hurt you and are actually counter productive and make you feel worse.

dirtyd89

I'd say use that annoying bullying as fuel to motivate yourself and prove those pricks wrong that you have what it takes to be a lean mean fighting machine.

zonah

Some people dont know what it is like to have narcisstic abusive parents. I do. I had them. Ignore them and take care of yourself. Also a website daughters of narcisstic mothers was helpful to me. When I lost weight, they had nothing complementary to say to me, just found something else to criticize me about. I feel good though and like others have said find other supportive people!

I love that website it's so helpful to know you're not alone and that it's not you.

I just finished reading the entire site and finally feel validated with everything I've experienced. So glad I finally listened to my husband and therapist and walked away. Best thing I ever did for myself and my marriage not to mention our kids as well! wow! This is a must read!

I'm glad you liked it. It's so nice to know it's not you it's them! Or at least that's how I felt.

benol1

Like you, I was abused when I was growing up. Not just emotionally but physically as well. I was badly damaged as a result of my experiences growing up.

One of the other things I do struggle with is whether they were being abusive or just ignorant. I know they were somewhat concerned about my health though.

However, I have learned to live with the legacy of my past. I've forgiven my parents and siblings and moved on. My advice to you is to also move on. You have with MFP a very powerful tool for self transformation. Use it well, get fit, eat well and engage in healthy lifestyle changes and pursuits. It will help you to transform your life and develop self-confidence and uncover your untapped potential.
kind regards,

Ben

xxcandywrathxx

Your mums clearly taking out her own weight issues on you.

I have a similar problem with my grandmother unfortunately. But I have the balls to call her fat back.

Stick up for yourself.

boboff

I hope you feel better for discussing this.

Often the same parental types are so quick to dismiss our concerns that any sort of discussion is seen as "wimping out"

You won't change them , and often that is the hardest thing, they are the products of there upbringing and society and there own ignorance and stupidity, and that isn't going to change.

Work on yourself, be strong, but most of all don't rush things, spend time on yourself, being happy, read some books, understand passive aggression, but I would also focus on Managing your own anger.

I know it sounds wrong, but your abuse will have caused hurt and anger, and that would have been targeted back inside yourself, this builds up pressure, and expectation of others behavior which isn't healthy.

Try some NLP as well as this can just be enough to get your motivation started.

You HAVE to stop yourself feeling like a victim, you are not, you are in control of your life now, cry your tears, dry them and move on, you can't control the past, but you can damm sure control your future. For every negative memory, you will have had a positive one, treat them like sides of a coin, you choose which side to focus on longest. Why not see if your Mum wants to join you on the weight loss journey, and then slim your *kitten* off! That will learn her!!!!

Best of luck.

bluebear_74

Sometimes it's easier to blame someone else for their failure than themselves. When it comes down to it, a 9 year old doesn't really control what they eat, it's what their parents put into their mouths.

dinithig

I read some of these posts, and im not sure if someone has already given this perspective so I hope you read this and bear with me.

I have come from a similar background. My mother has been overweight since she got married. She lost alot of weight due to illness, but is still overweight. I have been a small child, but became overweight ever since hitting puberty. I have been yo-yoing my weight since then.
I always remember my mother saying I was chubby. She would call me fat, or ask me why I wouldnt diet, and call me chubby infront of others. For example - last year when my uncle came for a visit, and I hugged him, I was wearing shorts, and she made an excuse for me wearing shorts by saying - oh dont mind her she's like a big ol chubby toy!! I was humiliated... I dont think my uncle wasnt even worrying about what I was wearing!! I have been on very dangerous diets as a kid to lose weight (cabbage soup diets, skipping meals etc).

I held on to that anger for many years but let it go. I realized that my mother was so angry with her weight, she was putting me down to make sure I never be like her. This was confirmed by the many conversations/fights we have had. She felt that the best way to get me motivated is to point it out all the time. All hell broke lose when I stopped calling them (because she would comment on how much weight ive put on), and we laid out all cards on the table.

She hasnt stopped completely... (like when my uncle came to visit), but at least now I understand her better. For me confronting her about it was the best move. she and I have very different ideas, and a big generational/cultural gap, so now we try to understand how we work. She tries not to comment on my weight (although sometimes she cant help it) and when she slips up, I brush it off or tell her off.

It is NOT right that your parents do this and put you through it!! Make it stop - by stopping contact, or confronting them. You WILL need support! My support was my sister... so find a good friend who will listen to you when you are feeling down, someone who will remind you how amazing you really are!!

MrsWells1983

I think your parents were saying those things out of concern. It sounds like they care about you just didn't know how to encourage you appropriately. Best of luck!

^^Yeah, I agree.

I must say I think abuse/bullying is rather extreme to call what your parents did, parents are just people, we make mistakes, say things out of turn etc. They could have said alot worse than calling you chubby.

Do what is best for you now, no point in dwelling on all this stuff.

There is all kinds of abuse. Clearly her parents were subjecting her to emotional abuse and weren't giving her the support she needed to lose the weight, they degraded her and put her down. Abuse doesn't have to mean that you have physical scars. Not giving your kids access to healthy foods and them being obese is abuse.

I lived with my unmedicated mentally ill single mother up until I moved out at 18. I had to talk her out of suicide more than once, she was never interested in my schooling (never did parent help in primary school, never attended award ceremonies even if I was getting an award) and I had to beg her to let me play sports like all my friends, because she hated sport and ate what she wanted when she wanted and still stayed skinny (but was very far from healthy). At 15 I lost my virginity and didn't tell her, when she found out from a third party she punched me in the face. When I was getting married she was a control freak and spat the dummy out of spite (because she doesn't like my mother in law) when we told her we wanted to bring the wedding forward. After seeing a counsellor I realised that she hated losing control of me as I was growing up and making my own decisions. I stopped talking to her and seeing her when my now 8yo was 2. I don't need that in my life and I don't want my kids subjected to any of the crap that she put me through. I was subjected to some physical and emotional abuse, though you'd never know just by looking at me.

I can see exactly where you are coming from. Feeling like nothing you ever do is good enough. You do what you need to for your own health and physical and mental well being. You are good enough, prove it to yourself by rising above them and being stronger and fitter than you ever have been.

Tam x

dakotababy

So...stop with the victim mentality and do something about it?

I'm not trying to be a 'victim'. If only you knew how hard it was growing up that way. I can't just get over it. I'm sick of comments like that.

That is just it - people who respond like this have no idea what it is like to grow up in an abusive home with dysfunctional parents. It creates a lot of internal conflict where on one side you want to have a relationship with your parents but at the same time, its driving you into the ground. I like to think that just because those are your "parents" - they still have no right to treat you like crap. What you experienced was without a doubt abuse.

I hate reading stories like yours...it makes me sick to my stomach that parents do this to their children without even realizing how sick they truly are. I think these people are very twisted...and have no business being parents, and they have no right to expect any sort of relationship from you, though that is entirely your choice.

Children have rights too.

sangeyvang

I had lame old relatives tell me all the time about how fat I was, even when I was at my skinniest, I was still fat to them. I never said anything back to them, but it pissed me off so much cause every time they see me they always ask my parents why I'm so big. It got to the point where I started saying crap back to those relatives telling them that I didn't care if I was fat and I don't care what they think.

But now, all you gotta do is live a good healthy life, and be comfortable in your own skin. Show them that you are better than what they made you out to be. Prove them wrong.

Sqeekyjojo

From the perspective of someone told at the age of nine 'you're fat and greedy, no wonder nobody likes you' because I'd eaten some crackers without permission (and I wasn't even remotely near fat);

That was then.

You're not a little kid anymore.

You're a grown woman.

Dwelling on what they said or did achieves nothing, other than making it
more appealing to run off and hide in a closet with a box of cookies and a multipack of chips to try and squish and swallow the bad feelings down.

Yes, those things hurt. But you don't have to dwell upon them now and give them more power over your adult life, too.

maegmez

I haven't read all the replies but you have to dig out the strength in you. You are here so I know you are stronger. You MUST let the past go and move on. Have a talk with your parents about how much they hurt you, tell them you forgive them and then move on. Let them make the next move.

And before you say I don't understand, my childhood was filled with beatings so bad I ended up with several bloody noses. I was assaulted physically and sexually by the parent who was supposed to take care of me. When I told my other parent about the beatings, I was told to call the police. Well, why would I after that comment?

But you know what? I was determined not to become a statistic! I felt I was so strong. Then I decided to go to church one day and I broke down in tears. I felt the warmest embrace and realised at that point that it wasn't me being strong, it was God giving me the strength and courage to continue on with my life.

Will I ever forget? No way, never! I had to forgive and move on just as Jesus forgives us. it give peace to our lives. You have to search out the Lessing in every situation, sometimes, you don't find it until later in life. However, so many others have it worse off than I did.

I have been married now for 10 years to an amazing man that leads his family spiritually and we have 4 amazing children. We are not religious, just ordinary children of God that believe we are all equal.

If you ever need to talk, please feel free to add me.