So here it is, all the honesty I can muster

auntballerina14

I suppose that this is by far one of the most difficult things I have ever written. This is honesty that I have never spoken (or typed) out loud.

I am lazy. Lazy that makes me fat.

I am 26 years old, and have been nearly the same pants size since I was 13. I am 5'9"ish and 214 pounds, and since graduating high school 7 years ago I have gained 54 pounds.

I work as an aide in a long term care facility, and as a home health aide. I have always made excuses for not exercising because my job is physical. *Some of the time*. Are there days that I don't get to sit down? Sure. Not every one. Are there days I don't get to eat lunch? Sure, not usually. Do I have to move people twice my size around? Twice ever. I work here 2.5 days a week.

At my home care job. I sit. I do one chore a day and sit. And pin. And eat. And sit. I work doing this job 2-4 days a week.

My boyfriend (bless his generous heart) bought me a gym membership because that was the only thing on my list 3 years ago. I have gone 4-5 since getting the membership. The gym intimidates and enrages me. I have NEVER had to work at anything as hard as I have had to work at losing weight. When I am at the gym and see the size 2 girl RUNNING (or whatever you do on the elliptical) and laughing and talking with her BFF while I am WALKING on the treadmill with the angle cranked, huffing and puffing, and feeling like a sweaty disgusting mess and concerned that my shorts keep riding up because of chub rub; I kinda want to kill that girl. Maybe not kill so much as terribly maim or injure her.

I know that sounded really harsh, but I promise I am not a sociopath. I really just resent people who can eat whatever they want, or exercise because they "think it's fun" and aren't afraid to tell you so (on either accounts).

My boyfriend and I are opposite sides of the spectrum when it comes to weight. He is like 6'0" and 140 pounds and can't gain weight no matter how hard he tries. He eats like a horse (or a small elephant) and doesn't gain an ounce (literally). I look at something that I shouldn't eat, and my belt gets tighter (not so literally). I love him, and he tells me how attractive I am to him and how wonderful I look ALL THE TIME, but I want to be healthy for him. Not skinny, but if that's how it works out, EXCELLENT. He tries to be helpful and encouraging, but doesn't understand how sensitive of a subject it is for me. I want him to be helpful and encouraging, but not like a drill-sergeant or a dad (mine happens to tells me he loves me no matter what I look like).

I have hit my low. We bought a 2 story house not that long ago; bedrooms and bathrooms upstairs, common areas downstairs, and basement-well, in the basement. Our cat food is upstairs in the closet. The cat bowls are in the basement along with their litter boxes. About a week ago, I walked upstairs to get the cat food (2 flights, up and down), down to the basement (1 flight), fed the cats, realized I didn't have a plastic bag, up to the kitchen (1 flight), down to the basement (1 flight), up to take the bag to the trash (1 flight), up to take the food back to the closet (1 flight). So that is 7 flights of stairs, and I was puffing after 2. I used to take 4 flights of stairs at a moderate pace multiple times a day to get to my apartment when I was in college; 4 more to get to my friend's apartment, and 3 more to get to a different friend's apartment without being winded. That day I sat down and nearly cried. What am I going to do when I have kids and need to run to the kitchen for a bottle, or don't have diapers downstairs? INSANE to think that I would have to take a break just to do one small thing.

I suppose for me its easier to not give a crap than do something about it. When we moved in to our house, I made a goal weight sheet and reasons WHY I wanted to get healthier. I have gained from that weight AND feel even more like poop than before.

This is seriously the start of a major life re-vamp. I want to work on EVERYTHING!!!! From finances to fitness to daily chores around the house; MY LIFE needs to get tightened up. I am tired of feeling fat and ready to let my outside show just how awesome my insides are.

JonnaM0916

Hi there, just wanted to say I believe in you and know you can accomplish anything you set your mind to. Stay positive and just work your way up and do a little something everyday. Maybe today you only walk a block and tomorrow you go a little further. If you ever need to chat I'm on daily. YOU CAN DO IT!!!!!

nczuczu

I think you are more honest than most of us. You did make me laugh with the cat food/litter story!!! Been there, done that! Just last night (not with cat food, but with laundry). I didn't quite have as many flights to go up/down, but definitely got more exercise in!

It sounds like you have a lot of excuses and are owning up to these. You have also posted on the forum, which is a start in the right direction. Although you and your BF have very different bodies, he may not be eating the foods he should to keep him healthy. Once you begin to eat healthier, he will also eat healthier. You are very lucky to have such a supportive BF. I do too, but a lot of people are not so fortunate.

Add me as a friend, if you'd like, and I will support you along the way!

michelefrench

well you've taken step #1 and joined us in our fight against the flab so good job so far!! feel free to friend me, always happy to have someone else fighting the same fight :happy:

iulia_maddie

Take it slow, but steady.
Here is a confession, after being terribly sedentary for about 2 years I got a gym membership, and got on a treadmill. In 15 minutes I got dizzy, went to the bathroom and threw up from exertion. I was pissed at myself for being so out of shape. I sat in there for 10 minutes, and then went for another 15 minutes on the damn treadmill.
The girl you see laughing on the elliptical worked her way up to that. So will you.
And the best thing you can do is find something you like doing for exercise. I don’t love cardio, but I look forward to lifting weights every single time.
Also, what you eat, and how much you eat matters even more than exercise when it comes to losing weight. Eat a balanced diet, maintaining a moderate deficit. Lose it slow, the healthy way.
Good luck!

heygurl711

You've the 1st step and that was the hardest part. You can def reach any of you goals. I'm here for you!

JonnaM0916

I will say I am one of the girls that ate and never put on weight until I hit 30. I had started working out went and got on the treadmill thinking it would be a so easy. I walk daily how hard could it be right? lol. Well I walked two miles alright but I was so light headed and dizzy and thought I was going to pass out! We all have to work our way up to that. After I did that I went back and walked less and knew I had to work up to the two miles. Take it one day and step at a time! Feel free to friend me if you like.

nczuczu

My boyfriend (bless his generous heart) bought me a gym membership because that was the only thing on my list 3 years ago. I have gone 4-5 since getting the membership. The gym intimidates and enrages me. I have NEVER had to work at anything as hard as I have had to work at losing weight. When I am at the gym and see the size 2 girl RUNNING (or whatever you do on the elliptical) and laughing and talking with her BFF while I am WALKING on the treadmill with the angle cranked, huffing and puffing, and feeling like a sweaty disgusting mess and concerned that my shorts keep riding up because of chub rub; I kinda want to kill that girl. Maybe not kill so much as terribly maim or injure her.

Although I can completely understand what you are saying, I agree with another poster that these girls have worked up to that. If you are uncomfortable at this gym, is there another option that may work for you? Maybe go at a different time or find a different gym. Where I live, there is only one near by, so I just have to deal with it. My guess is these girls are not even paying attention to you. And if they even notice you, they should be proud that you are getting yourself healthier! I wouldn't worry about it so much. Just get in there and do what you have to do!!!

NewMnky1

First off, let me say good for you for recognizing what you need to work on and making a committment.

Just remember that because there is a size 2 girl running on the treadmill and laughing etc. does not mean she didn't have to work he *kitten* off to get there and stay there. And one day that could just as easily be you on the treadmill and someone thinking the same thing about you. I used to think that way too until I realized that you can eat what you want if you are willing to work for it, while there are some very fortunate people who don't have to worry about it, they are few and far between. And I know lots of "skinny" people who are some of the most unhealthy people I know so don't always go on outwards appearance.

Just focus on you and your health and you can do great things! Good luck!

paige_eloise

You're honesty is amazing.
You took the first step! Welcome to the club. Weight loss is a pain in the *kitten*, it's not fun (at least not to begin with) but you'll get there

mtbaker64

Hello!!! LOVE your honesty!!! You can do anything you set your mind to. My advice... slow and steady will win the race. Someone before me (in this topic) mentioned walking a block today and maybe a little further the next day. Friend me if you want, I'm on most days.

Hang in there!! Have a wonderful day!

moodyshannon15

What a wonderful and honest introduction!! I can so relate to your story. Its hard!! Its hard to feel like you wanna be this healthy person, yet we are stuck in this unhealthy body that we created. Its hard to get motivated and stay motivated and get the work done to be healthy! Its hard to eat what we should be eating and not all the bad crap!! I'm right there with ya!! So please know your not alone in this battle!! You are surrounded by fighters!! Welcome to the club!

semarsh12

Girl, I just joined today too, you can add me. I feel like I'm reading my own story when I read yours! I've never lost weight in my life. I only know gain, gain, gain. It's not going to be the easiest thing and it's not going to happen overnight but we will get there. Overall I want to lose at least 100 lbs but I didn't gain it overnight so I'm not going to lose it overnight!. Good luck.

leonaedithlewis

My boyfriend (bless his generous heart) bought me a gym membership because that was the only thing on my list 3 years ago. I have gone 4-5 since getting the membership. The gym intimidates and enrages me. I have NEVER had to work at anything as hard as I have had to work at losing weight. When I am at the gym and see the size 2 girl RUNNING (or whatever you do on the elliptical) and laughing and talking with her BFF while I am WALKING on the treadmill with the angle cranked, huffing and puffing, and feeling like a sweaty disgusting mess and concerned that my shorts keep riding up because of chub rub; I kinda want to kill that girl. Maybe not kill so much as terribly maim or injure her.

Although I can completely understand what you are saying, I agree with another poster that these girls have worked up to that. If you are uncomfortable at this gym, is there another option that may work for you? Maybe go at a different time or find a different gym. Where I live, there is only one near by, so I just have to deal with it. My guess is these girls are not even paying attention to you. And if they even notice you, they should be proud that you are getting yourself healthier! I wouldn't worry about it so much. Just get in there and do what you have to do!!!
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2FatToRun

I am also VERY lazy ..like didn't exercise 2 days lazy lol when I know I should have. All I have to say is listen to your body I have ppl tell me all the time I am not to fat to run I should change my name and I am tired of explaining how I twist my ankle from simply getting up or going down curbs or up stairs lol I was VERY sore this past week but I slowed my row to prevent hurting myself and for the most part just walking has been my main source of exercise. Stretching/yoga before and after. I found the stretching/yoga really really helped with the soreness. Take it slow it benefits you not to injure yourself or put yourself in a situation where you pushed too hard and now you are laid up for a week or 2 Listen to you body or try and learn how to. You will get there, everyone on here says you didn't get here overnight so you wont get back overnight either. You don't have to starve yourself either make better choices and lesser portions ask a lot of questions. Good luck to you on your journey!

mdorsett221

I completely relate to your feelings about the gym. I hate that too. Honesty with yourself is the first step and that is awesome that you are able to do that. Just make sure your "why" is true to your heart and that you're doing it for yourself, not what society thinks you should be. It's a journey that's going to take effort and you'll need that inner motivation. I compare it to recovering alcoholics. You have to be ready to make the change, and if you are, don't let anything stop you!

jody664

I love your honesty! I was right there a year ago.........I had bought a beautiful 3-story condo (top floor bedrooms, middle living area, basement laundry) and thought at the time I would probably stay there until I died. But then I packed on the weight and found going up and down the stairs to do laundry was exhausting! I got really scared. I mean, am I going to have to move out of this place I love because I'm too out of shape to do laundry? Really? It's the one thing that motivated me to lose weight and get and shape.

Making life changes is scary but it's also empowering! Make one small change and build on that.

spickard34

I love how amazingly honest you are and I really think you can do this. I have friends that can eat whatever they want and not gain a pound, my husband is the same as yours. I work out 2hrs a day, I have had to work up to that over 6 years. I have to watch everything that goes in my mouth. I am currently close to my goal weight and people tease me about "being on a diet because I look fine" what they dont realise is if I ate they way I wanted to and did not work out I would gain weight like crazy(I could very easy consume over 5000 cals a day if I wanted too). I constantly have to think about weight and it does sucks but its nice to beable to accomplish things that I never thought I could do before. YOU CAN DO THIS. Add me if you need encouragment I think you are a brave woman.

Lind5ay90

I love how honest and open you are I have faith in you! Good luck

grancran

What I want to tell you is this : . Dont waste your whole life not being happy with yourself. Do something about it now, and I know you can. I have been on and off diets since I was about your age and of course most of my life I have been overweight. Im turning 53 this year and I finally came to the realization that I may only have 10, 20 years left of my life.....who knows. Im not going to spend them overweight anymore. Plus I want to add yrs onto my life so I do live more than 20 yrs
I guess what I am saying to you is, trust me make the change have a healthy life so you and your husband can grow old together . You dont want to be 53 and overweight where you are sitting there saying wow I have been overweight all my life and I didnt do anything about it and no I really wasnt happy with myself. Do something about it now.
Start walking in the evenings with your husband, and you will see how fast you are feeling better. You can do it, I know you can. Im finding this site very helpful, be honest and put in all the food you eat every day and what workouts you do. In no time you will start feeling better you will be healthier and then you will be happier. Welcome to this site you can do it

marciebrian

First, Congratulations for putting it on paper which is a huge step! Next let me PLEASE recommend baby steps. You're not going to fix your whole life in one sitting so relax and do one thing at a time. Your health and well being (mental and physical) is THE most important thing that you can take care of. Nothing is more important and as you get older you'll understand what I mean.

Is there a reason you can't work full time? I think 1) you need to get out of the house 2) you need to not worry about the skinny girl at the gym (who gives a crap about someone you don't even know) and 3) be blessed that your man loves you enough that he bought you the gym membership and now its time for you to love yourself enough to use it!

Stop beating yourself up and take it one day at a time like you have to do everything in life.

If I can help or even if it is just to help stop the pity party and help you focus on caring about yourself feel free to friend me.

I wish you a good, healthy journey (not luck because it isn't about luck its about actions) and its time to start loving you.
:flowerforyou:

Maribabewhich

You are beautiful. You can do it!

Asterie

I also love your honesty (and wit)! Like others have said, you've definitely taken a step in the right direction. Gyms really aren't for everybody (I personally tried to love going to the gym--there was only a brief period of time when I did love it, when I was doing the C25K program, and after that I promptly didn't enjoy it again). I, personally, don't enjoy going there and being a spectacle or someone's competition when I'm there just for me.

There are plenty of other ways to get fit, and the key is truly to find something you enjoy. We live on a mountain, so hikes have grown on us. Other than that, fitness videos are a great way to start--and they're in the comfort of your own home and give you much less excuses to skip one, though everyone does. (I've skipped two days in a row now, but I'm going to make up for it by doing two today.)

If you want any motivation or support or conversations, feel free to add me! (:

backincontrol

I just started the gym last Friday, after years of not going. Its a challenge to get up and go but as everyone says I feel so much better when I am leaving. I am breathing heavy on the treadmill at speeds others warm up at, I could never wear a fitted tank as a work out top. To be honest, that use to be an excuse not to go "I don't have anything to wear". I am still struggling to find a great t-shirt that is loose and long enough. I don't care any more, I put in my time and I sweat and as I leave I feel better. Please take every ones input and use it as a catalyst to feel better about yourself. You can do this!

devan44

Hi! I'm 5"9' and am now 205 (I've lost 18lbs since starting MFP IN Jan). I was always real thin and had an amazing metabolism. Then I got on depo (birth control shot) and gained 30lbs. I got pregnant shortly after I stopped getting the shot and had 3 babies. My highest was like 260 - granted I was 9 mos pregnant but still that's ridiculous. I was 220ish for a while and have just recently found a succesful way to lose. MFP is awesome. I log everyday even if I've eaten terribly. It keeps me acccountable and aware - which is a big deal for me. Even when I'm "bad" I'm not as bad as I would have been just because I'm more aware of the calories in things. I started out just logging and sticking to my cal's. Then I started doing some "easy" 15 minutes videos I found on YouTube and worked up to doing Jillians 30 DS, which is awsome, btw. I walk - a lot. If you have a phone with apps runtastic will tell you how far and how many calories and sync to MFP which is really cool.

Best thing I can say is take it one day at a time. Do not beat yourself up over a few bad choices because that's life. I've had a lot of "bad' days and "bad" meals since Jan and I probably could've lost more had I been more strict but I think this if I limit myself to much I'll quit. Good luck and feel free to add me. I"m on everyday and always willing to help someone else out. Good luck :flowerforyou:

leonaedithlewis

My boyfriend (bless his generous heart) bought me a gym membership because that was the only thing on my list 3 years ago. I have gone 4-5 since getting the membership. The gym intimidates and enrages me. I have NEVER had to work at anything as hard as I have had to work at losing weight. When I am at the gym and see the size 2 girl RUNNING (or whatever you do on the elliptical) and laughing and talking with her BFF while I am WALKING on the treadmill with the angle cranked, huffing and puffing, and feeling like a sweaty disgusting mess and concerned that my shorts keep riding up because of chub rub; I kinda want to kill that girl. Maybe not kill so much as terribly maim or injure her.

Although I can completely understand what you are saying, I agree with another poster that these girls have worked up to that. If you are uncomfortable at this gym, is there another option that may work for you? Maybe go at a different time or find a different gym. Where I live, there is only one near by, so I just have to deal with it. My guess is these girls are not even paying attention to you. And if they even notice you, they should be proud that you are getting yourself healthier! I wouldn't worry about it so much. Just get in there and do what you have to do!!!

[/quote]

I am middle aged, and more chubby than I'd like. I am inherently lazy and my natural state is sitting in front of the TV. I now go to the gym 4 times a week (Zumba) and when cycling season starts, I may bike up to 100 miles per week. I love it because when I do it, I have fun and I like being fit, but it does not come naturally. Before almost every work out or bike ride I have that voice in that voice in the back of my head that would rather skip-it. I have trouble regularly taking the time to walk my dogs so I have to constantly clean up the back yard. I never "feel" like working out. I really don't take joy in the time and hassle it takes to work out. But I like the results, and it has become more fun as I get better at it. You may not want to "work out" at the gym, but some type of activity may be better, just keep trying different stuff. Using MFP to track what you are doing and achieving is a great way to take credit for the activity that you do. BTW - in Zumba there are people of all shapes and sizes (and ages) and really we are all just impressed with each other that we last through the class at all.

elenacy

Amazingly brave and a great way to start your journey. If you're looking to get a little exercise without the gym, walking is fantastic. I like to walk around different neighbourhoods because I'm nosey and checking out other people's front gardens is more interesting than staring at a treadmill. Stick with whatever you decide for at least three weeks and then it becomes a habit, you never know you might end up enjoying it. Good luck

bjshields

I love your honesty, but I have to tell you, we all start from where we start. We ALL hate those b@#%es who can eat what they want and never gain an ounce; but I can tell you that most of us have to WORK at this -- it's not easy and it's not fast. Anybody who tells you otherwise is probably selling something.

I suggest you pick up JJ Virgin's "Virgin Diet" book. You may have some food intolerances that are literally making it difficult for you to lose weight. You can probably find it at the library by now. Also, if you hate the gym, buy a $5 jump rope and work your way up with that. You can do body weighted exercises like planks, pushups, and triceps dips using your own weight.

Best of luck to you -- and you may not be skinny, but you definitely have BALLS! :laugh:

aas1277

It's incredibly brave of you to say what you just said. You can do it you just have to believe in yourself. You need people to help motivate you and make you feel good about your progress! You certainly have taken a step in the right direction! There are tons and tons of amazing workout dvds out there so you don't ever have to step foot in a gym if its not for you. I only go to the gym once a week maybe twice b/c it's just easier to workout at home in my own environment where I can sweat and huff and puff withtout worrying what the person next to me is thinking! Inbox me if you want the names of some great total body workouts...most of them show modifications of the exercises for people just starting out.

nancybuss

Congrats with your honesty with YOURSELF!
That means the most.

Be careful taking on too much at once, its easy to give up, but take small steps with it all and You Can Do it!!!!

You found a perfect start to your exercise, all those stairs!!!!!

One day at a time, sometimes its one hour at a time.

Maybe those skinny girls at the gym USE to be big! You do not know their story, and they don't know yours. They are there for themselves, and you are there for yourself. The heck with anyone else!
I do most of my workouts at home but some at the gym. I'll tell you that inside I am thinking "Way to GO!" with Everyone I see at the gym that is larger and Doing it!!! Of course I can't say anything, but seriously, if I saw you at the gym, I'd want to walk by and give you a bit old High Five!!!!!!!!

Try and think of THAT the next time you think the skinny girl has it easy. She has her own issues too, and I know you know that, but inside she may be cheering you on and not judging What So Ever!

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