Need advice about having a baby.

dmpizza

Very tough situation. You must talk to him about it.

Mia_RagazzaTosta

The clinic needs your permission in order to proceed with his vasectomy, I wouldn't sign it until you have both talked about it.

My husband just had the procedure done this past Friday and I was not asked to sign anything in the form of "permission."

Unfortunentally its the MARRIED WOMAN that has to have concent of her husband, not the other way around....At least in MO

Well you learn something new every day! I had to sign in front of witnesses saying I that I gave permission and understood what he was doing.

I had to sign a consent when my husband got fixed too, but it wasn't witnessed.

njmp

The clinic needs your permission in order to proceed with his vasectomy, I wouldn't sign it until you have both talked about it. If he feels this strongly about it I wouldn't push him too much because he might resent you for it in the end. Good luck with whatever you two decide.

WHAT???? This can't be true...A woman can already be pregnant and make the decision to terminate without her partner's consent but a man can't make the decision to never have said pregnany occur??? This is sooooo wrong.

Lupercalia

what if he feels as strongly as you do? The guy doesnt want to have a kid. Leave him alone.

Um... i don't think he does, hence his trying to talk to me about it pretty much every day. Thanks for the thoughtful response, though.

Why does he have the vasectomy scheduled so soon if he's still on the fence? By the time my husband made his vasectomy appointment, I knew he was serious about not wanting any more kids. And the way I figure it, even if I had wanted one more, the spouse who doesn't want another kid gets the deciding vote.

THIS. Especially the part about the spouse NOT wanting another kid getting the deciding vote. It's really the worst thing on Earth to try to wrangle someone into having a kid who doesn't want to. So bad....please let this guy be!

LATeagno

Damn. This seriously exploded.


In re: talk before marriage. I've always been somewhat impartial about another child. I didn't think it bothered me. We never talked about it seriously-- it was always kind of a joking conversation. Part of that is on me. We joke a lot. We're goofy. It's just how we are. That said, this wasn't some burning desire of mine for years. I could have leaned either way. I didn't mislead him at all. This is a somewhat new (I say somewhat because I have always been 85/15 on the topic) thing over the past few months because I'm scared at the prospect of not ever being able to.

You have to understand that we have a very unique relationship. This marriage is very open. We talk about this stuff all the time. It's more the "I'm definitely wanting this" that's been a problem. I'm scared to say definitely because I don't want to add strain. As I said before, it's not exactly something you can compromise on.

My husband is the one who has initiated these "second thought" talks-- not me. I haven't been prodding him or nagging him about a baby. I never have. A lot of you are making this out like I'm a bad person for being "selfish." This isn't a selfish decision. My husband is the one who wants to hear my issues. I feel like in a way, he doesn't want to go through with the procedure. He's the one who keeps saying, "well are you having second thoughts?" It was these talks that he initiated months ago that have really gotten my second guessing to this stage. I feel like I'm being played with, kind of.

In regards to adoption, I am 100% OPEN to adoption. I will bring this up with him. I'm definitely not opposed.

Another thing I should say is that we have a very good relationship. I'm not all that worried about him becoming angry about this or anything. It's the conundrum that gets me. It's not "compromisable." If this were the other way around-- if he wanted a baby and I didn't-- I'd be in the same predicament. My issue with this is the fact that I'm all about compromise, but I'm not sure how to compromise on a black and white problem. I'm NOT worried about him leaving me. I'm just stressed that we're completely closing the door. It's scary.

UsedToBeHusky

Damn. This seriously exploded.


In re: talk before marriage. I've always been somewhat impartial about another child. I didn't think it bothered me. We never talked about it seriously-- it was always kind of a joking conversation. Part of that is on me. We joke a lot. We're goofy. It's just how we are. That said, this wasn't some burning desire of mine for years. I could have leaned either way. I didn't mislead him at all. This is a somewhat new (I say somewhat because I have always been 85/15 on the topic) thing over the past few months because I'm scared at the prospect of not ever being able to.

You have to understand that we have a very unique relationship. This marriage is very open. We talk about this stuff all the time. It's more the "I'm definitely wanting this" that's been a problem. I'm scared to say definitely because I don't want to add strain. As I said before, it's not exactly something you can compromise on.

My husband is the one who has initiated these "second thought" talks-- not me. I haven't been prodding him or nagging him about a baby. I never have. A lot of you are making this out like I'm a bad person for being "selfish." This isn't a selfish decision. My husband is the one who wants to hear my issues. I feel like in a way, he doesn't want to go through with the procedure. He's the one who keeps saying, "well are you having second thoughts?" It was these talks that he initiated months ago that have really gotten my second guessing to this stage. I feel like I'm being played with, kind of.

In regards to adoption, I am 100% OPEN to adoption. I will bring this up with him. I'm definitely not opposed.

Another thing I should say is that we have a very good relationship. I'm not all that worried about him becoming angry about this or anything. It's the conundrum that gets me. It's not "compromisable." If this were the other way around-- if he wanted a baby and I didn't-- I'd be in the same predicament. My issue with this is the fact that I'm all about compromise, but I'm not sure how to compromise on a black and white problem. I'm NOT worried about him leaving me. I'm just stressed that we're completely closing the door. It's scary.

Again, my advice is that you and him see a marriage counselor before he goes through with it. Maybe you are right, and he is reconsidering. You being afraid to tell him that you definitely want another baby is another indicator that you both need some kind of mediator to help with the communication. It's not a bad thing to talk to a marriage counselor once in awhile. It doesn't mean that there is anything wrong with the relationship. But if you didn't need an outside party to help the two of you make a decision, then you wouldn't be afraid to tell him and he wouldn't vascillating on this decision.

LATeagno

I should also add that for those of you who are saying I'll make a mess of him, he's NOT upset with me-- and he's VERY calm about this whole thing. We don't argue much. We speak our minds. Like I said, this IS something we talk to each other about. It's more about the "definitely want" thing that's scary for me. If if I tell him I "definitely want" another baby, I don't fear he'll be upset. I don't think it'll result in rage or stress really. He's not like that. I'm very mindful of his feelings. He's always asking me my feelings on it. It's not like I'm forcing the topic on him.

I think a lot of you have gotten the impression that I'm baby crazy and want to ruin his life or something. That's simply not true at all. The whole reason I'm here is because i'm not sure how to approach this. Do I just bite my tongue for the rest of my life? Do I tell him I want a baby? Even if, it's not like this is a deal breaker. I love my husband. There isn't much in the way of marital stress here because he is so calm about everything.

I'm just scared.

LATeagno

Again, my advice is that you and him see a marriage counselor before he goes through with it. Maybe you are right, and he is reconsidering. You being afraid to tell him that you definitely want another baby is another indicator that you both need some kind of mediator to help with the communication. It's not a bad thing to talk to a marriage counselor once in awhile. It doesn't mean that there is anything wrong with the relationship. But if you didn't need an outside party to help the two of you make a decision, then you wouldn't be afraid to tell him and he wouldn't vascillating on this decision.

I think you're right. This isn't a life or death (of the relationship) thing for either of us, as far as I'm concerned. A professional might be a good option. I don't think either of us is right or wrong-- we just need to work together to solve this.

concordancia

How old are you? Your "definitely want" could just be a biological clock thing. I had it in my late twenties/ early thirties, ignored it and have no regrets

Mrswrp

OK, so I have very few close friends that I'm comfortable discussing this with, so I'm hoping some unbiased strangers can help.

I got married in Sept. of 2011. My husband and I are very happy. I have a nine year old daughter whose father died when she was a baby, and my husband is the only father my daughter has ever known. He's been around since she can really remember-- since she was 4. He's a wonderful father to her.

When we first met, he said he couldn't date a single mom. He liked me, though, and somehow we worked through this "rule breaker." He was scared of my daughter at first, but now they're inseparable. My husband has a very hard time making life decisions. He's always been that way.

He told me a couple of years ago that he didn't want more children because he was "worried he'd love his own biological child more." I know this isn't true-- I mean my daughter's father, while he did end up passing away, wanted nothing to do with her. I don't think a biological link is what makes a father a true father. He's also said that he is worried about his genetics because his sister is mentally ill. I can't tell if he's genuinely afraid of this or if it's just an excuse.

My husband has a vasectomy scheduled for the end of the month and I'm terrified. I really want another baby-- just one. But as the date draws closer, I'm finding myself to be very scared. He does not want a baby. He is unwavering about it.

The main reason I want another baby is for my daughter. She is an only child and she will never even have any cousins. Both of our families are very small and I'm worried about her not having family when she gets older. She wants a sibling very much-- she often asks us if she can have a brother or sister. At her Girl Scout meeting last year (the first one), the troop leader made a reference to brothers and sisters and asked the girls to raise their hands if they had a brother or sister. She was the only one who didn't. She cried. My heart broke.

We are very financially stable and could easily afford a baby, so that's not even an issue. I really think my husband would be fine with having his own child if he could just not be so scared of it. He's a wonderful man, but he has issues with "what if" situations. I even work from home as a writer. We are insured and have great maternity coverage. I wouldn't even need maternity leave because I work from a laptop right in my own house.

My husband keeps asking me to talk about my feelings on the issue. He keeps saying "if you're having second thoughts, we need to talk about it now." I keep saying I do have second thoughts. We keep bouncing back and forth about why I think a baby would complete our family, but I've done everything but say "I want to have a baby. Let's try to get pregnant." I really want to tell him I want a baby, but I don't want to back him into a corner. He does so much for us. I don't want it to seem like I don't appreciate what he does. I feel like every time he asks me, I just feel like he is just fishing for me to agree with him. He listens to what I say, and while he hears it, I don't think he understands it. I know he's scared of it, but I don't know how to show him how great of a dad he already is. He's done so much when he thought he couldn't.

I don't know what to do or how to handle this. I want him to listen to me and to understand why it's important we complete our family. Has anyone ever been through a similar situation? It's not like we have a gaggle of kids. I just want a sibling for my daughter.

I definitely think you need to tell him. He is asking you if you are sure, which in my mind could mean several things, all of them good. My husband never thought he could love our child as much as the child he already had. He found out as soon as our son was born that just isn't true. I think you and your husband would definitely come to regret this decision, as well as not being honest with him. The fact that he is scared doesn't mean he doesn't want another baby.

Think of the worst and best scenerios and I believe you will know for sure. Our son was born 12 years after my last child. It was sad to see him alone when I remembered how my first three daughters, all about 2 years apart, loved being together. I would never choose an only child situation, after basically first hand seeing both.