Dumped because I am fat...what do you think?

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  • Phoenixchichima
    Phoenixchichima Posts: 416
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    I'm afraid most of the others are right. there are 2 issues here,
    1) your weight, which is you decision
    2) a disrespectful & unloving relationship, and remaining in it is your decision.

    whether you lose the weight or not, you deserve a person who cares for you. the reality is, if you lost the weight, he'd find anothe reason you're not good enough. Get out of the relationship before it deteriorates further. he is on the first step of an abuser. He may go no further, but if he is looking for an excuse to dump you; He will find it, and rather than man up he's trying to make it your fault. . Be the bigger person & tell him if he wants to move on, you want him to do so & you are willing to face that rather than listen to his critisism, it will only get worse
  • Ramberta
    Ramberta Posts: 1,312 Member
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    I say dump him... and then get super hot and rub it in his face.

    Or at least, thats what I would do :)

    ^This. I am sorry that his true colors aren't pretty ones, but at least you found this out before you got married or got pregnant. There are plenty of other men who will love you for who you are inside and out, and won't make you change anything about yourself unless YOU want to. That's what true love is.

    My boyfriend supports me in my weight loss journey, but he's not the reason I'm doing it. I'm doing this for ME. And even though he's got a belly himself, I'm not going to love him any less. Unless my partner were to become so obese that they were jeopardizing their health, I would not have an issue with them being less active, heavier, or have worse eating habits than me. And you shouldn't have to take that kind of criticism in a partner either.
  • Espressocycle
    Espressocycle Posts: 2,245 Member
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    DTMU - it would be one thing if he just wasn't attracted to heavier girls and so it goes, but he's worried about what other people think of his choice of mate, which marks him as being shallow and thus beneath contempt.
  • oregonzoo
    oregonzoo Posts: 4,251 Member
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    Work on getting healthy for yourself.

    I'm sorry he's putting you through this and I'm even more sorry his family is like that. I can't tell you what to do as far as the relationship, that's on you.

    But chances are after getting in better shape and that confidence of yours increasing... the answer will be astoundingly clear.
  • sdbart
    sdbart Posts: 189 Member
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    Run.

    Run far away.

    That is NOT love.

    Run.

    I second that!!!
  • junejadesky
    junejadesky Posts: 524 Member
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    The only person you need to change for is you. His love is conditional..... run far far far away.....
  • ambenbra
    ambenbra Posts: 4
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    Dear StrongerJess,
    you mention being hurt a few times in this post and sincerely I don't know you at all but I feel hurt for you as well. There are so many reasons why you would want to start thinking seriously about losing some weight and getting healthy. Some of those reasons are improved health, longer life expectancy, better quality of life, more energy etc... Happier boyfriend or husband is not a reason. It might be an outcome! But not a reason Maybe some would say "who cares what he thinks!" I disagree. I think he has the right to feel what he feels and obviously you do care as well. If he is trying to get you to change he is certainly not doing it in a very loving way. Being supportive of your choices by encouraging you to be more active, by being healthier and active himself and by reminding you that no matter what he loves you but that he wants you to be the best you possible are all ways he can be a good boyfriend and partner in life. Life is hard enough as it is without having someone judgemental and negative by your side. I think personally that there are alot of things you need to analyze here and the issue might be a little more complicated than at first sight it might seem. I'm sorry to say that there are no easy answers (there never are are there?) He seems a little weak doesn't he? How come he is so easily influenced by his family? As you mention if you lose the weight will all his future decisions concerning his relationship with you be influenced to such an extent? I hope you find your answers and that you can stay true to yourself. To me this means being a true happy and thats not a superficial looks thing. Good luck and I'd love to hear from you again.
  • AmyJeanMarie84
    AmyJeanMarie84 Posts: 54 Member
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    Run.

    Run far away.

    That is NOT love.

    Run.

    ^^^^^THIS!!!!! <3
  • jeslaughter
    jeslaughter Posts: 131 Member
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    " I am wondering if I should move on or feel grateful that he told me?"

    Dump him and be grateful that he told you he and his family are so shallow!!!
  • mrdexter1
    mrdexter1 Posts: 356 Member
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    As a bloke listening to blokes all my life - I m suprised he had the bottle to say something like to your face !

    Trust me girls, I f i were a woman having heard and seen what i have i d be dating another woman !!
  • JudyNana4
    JudyNana4 Posts: 3
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    I think that HE has some major issue that HE needs to work on. You need to move on and learn to love yourself for who you are now and in the future. You can not change because of someone else and love is not about "when this happens we will be happy" crap. If he really loved you he wouldn't even think of listening to other people's opinion and allowing them to judge you on appearance he would be supportive of you. You are special and someday when you have learnt to love yourself fo who you are someone will come into your life and you will have a mature LOVING relationship.
    You go girl!
  • alishacupcake
    alishacupcake Posts: 419 Member
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    Sadly, I was in this same situation. Except we had only been together for a year. I tried very hard to lose the weight for him and I did lose some but it wasn't enough. At some point I realized no matter how much weight I lose he will always be too stuck on my looks. People get older and they gray and things happen but personality should matter much more. I'm not saying that you should be unhealthy and if he had approached this from a health related standpoint and was offering for you guys to get healthy together I might say something different but for now I say run. Run and lose the weight for yourself or get healthy for yourself whatever it is but this (in my opinion) is not love.

    ETA: I now have a wonderful boyfriend who knew me when I was my unhealthiest mentally and physically and makes me feel amazing. He finds me beautiful even if I still have some weight to lose.
  • SafiyaBWG
    SafiyaBWG Posts: 119 Member
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    I fhe dumped you over your physical appearance or anything like that, then he doesn't deserve your time or your love ! We're beautiful, and any change of our body has to come from us, not from anyone pressuring us, cause then it's doomed to failure !
  • ShreddedTweet
    ShreddedTweet Posts: 1,326 Member
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    250lbs is a lot at 5'4, he might just be worried about investing in someone who can't commit to a healthy life. I wouldn't want to marry someone who was content to be obese and not have the self-control to sort it out, it's been 4 years, you've been with him for 2.5, maybe he thinks you'll never lose weight and that can be a deal-breaker for some people.
    Don't be too hard on him, maybe he really loves you and wants to marry you but you're not fixing your problems and not addressing your issues can be unattractive.

    ETA: Playing Devil's Advocate, maybe he said it wrong but his message might be a concerned, loving one.
  • sweetappleca
    sweetappleca Posts: 3 Member
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    Be grateful you realized what a jerk he is before you married him. Complete your journey to a healthier you for you, and no one else!! When you are emotionally and physically healthier, the right man- and a good man- will flock to you- I can see by your picture you are beautiful. You just have to know inside that you deserve better than this guy and dont let anyone ever tell you what you should weigh!! Good luck with your decision.
  • corrinnebrown
    corrinnebrown Posts: 348
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    I would get healthy, lose weight (only for me not him) and then throw it in his face. He's not good enough to be with you and who would want a set of in-laws that would constantly point out your faults?

    Good luck, hun!
  • _SusieQ_
    _SusieQ_ Posts: 2,964 Member
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    If you were perfect for him, the weight wouldn't be what holds him back from saying he'd like to marry you. That's b.s., IMO.

    It's fine if he prefers women a certain way...I don't find that shallow or superficial.... HOWEVER, I do not think it's fine to expect someone to change for you or to push pressure on yourself to change for someone else so you can wear short shorts and feel loved by him.. If you are going to lose weight and keep it off, it's going to be when you are doing it for you and only you. If he doesn't love you enough to stand by and support you, then show him the door. I'd be more willing to believe he has your best interest in mind if all his reasons for wanting you to lose weight weren't just about benefiting him..i.e. people looking at HIM...HIM wanting you to look like a certain way because he likes to look at "thin" chicks that look that way... if it was "I want you to be healthy...live longer...be happy"...then THAT I could understand.

    Again...just my opinion.
    Perfect answer, especially the part I bolded.

    It's fine to have a certain type you are attracted to, but the way he worded it is quite shallow.
  • RoseDarrett
    RoseDarrett Posts: 355 Member
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    I don't like how easy he is to be swayed by his family.That's a worry.I also really do not like him telling you he wants to check you out the way he does skinny girls(or something to that effect)

    No one should ever make you feel bad,skinny,overweight whatever.No one has the right to do that.Doesn't matter who they are.They should never step on you and disregard your feelings.
    He should always respect you,take your feelings in consideration and love you.Always.
    Not make you feel like you're beneath him.

    Stay,leave,whatever you choose is your decision.Just make sure it's the right one for you and a decision that won't take away from you are,but instead add to your life and empower you as a person.

    Good luck!
  • ksloop00
    ksloop00 Posts: 144
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    He is a *kitten* end of story! A real man who loves YOU will accept every part of you! If you haven't already, leave is shallow *kitten*!
  • Cambiovida
    Cambiovida Posts: 13 Member
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    I am sorry you had to hear such hurtful things from someone you love. True love doesnt intentionally cause pain. He had to have known that what he said was hurtful. No matter what his reason was for saying those things it was wrong! From what you mentioned he said it sounds as if he only cares about how you look to other people. You are beautiful! You can lose the weight if you want to do it for yourself. Dont do it for him. He doesnt deserve you.

    I met my husband 12 years ago. I weighed 180lbs when I met him. Shortly after we started dating I lost 40lbs. Fast forward a couple years... My first pregnancy I put on 80lbs!!! I lost some of that weight but not all of it. Over the years I never got back down to 140lbs... I never even got back to 180... I slowly kept going up. We had a second child. Twelves years together... 8 years of marriage and a slow constant gain in weight led me to 263lbs. My Dr was the one who put a stop to it bc she felt my health was at risk. My husband has been there for me supporting me every step of the way. He has loved me as I am, for better or worse for 12 years. He has never made any back handed comments about my weight and has always made me feel beautiful because he is a good man who truly loves me. I know that man is out there for you! Someone that will cheer you on when you succeed and help you back up when you fall. No one deserves to have someone tell them that they are an embarrasment!

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