Because I really need to talk!

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  • Guisma
    Guisma Posts: 215
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    ....
  • mariabanner
    mariabanner Posts: 2 Member
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    Please don't make the same mistake I made. I stayed with a guy for many years despite his abuse, manipulation and controlling nature which escalated as time went on. It was little niggly things at first, and I guess the more he got away with it the worse he got, and I became so downtrodden it became kinda "normal" to me, but I finally found the courage to break free. Counselling, the support of friends and time has helped to heal the damage he did to me but it took a long time for me to start believing in myself again. Don't let this situation drag on - stamp on it now as the more it goes on the worse you will feel about yourself and the harder it will be for you to stand up for yoursef - that is what he wants!. You will find plenty of friends and support on here so keep smiling, respect your beautiful self and never, ever, let anyone try to bring you down - you deserve much better than that :)
  • rebelate
    rebelate Posts: 218 Member
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    You are not ugly, nor are you fat.

    Even if you were, it's NO ONE else's job to try to policy how you look, or to make comments about your body in a negative manner. He's saying these things to make you feel less than, and put himself as your "only option." He's making it so no matter what his behavior is that you'll still stick around because he's the 'best" you'll get.

    I'm sure if one of your friends had a partner that talked to them that way, you would tell them it isn't healthy, and that they deserve better. What's keeping you with this person? Do they really have so many other redeeming qualities that these comments are worth it? It's a good thing you're seeking someone to talk to, and that you'll be able to have support outside of that man. You need to learn to love yourself, and to fill yourself with love before you try to give yourself to someone else.
  • chadzilla2
    chadzilla2 Posts: 2 Member
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    He's emotionally bullying you by saying you're not "pretty enough" -- that's hogwash! Beauty is all about attitude; you project how you want others to see you by how you see yourself, so it's time to start acting like you ARE beautiful. "Fake it 'till you make it" as they say. Eventually, if you strut enough and focus on your good qualities and keep your chin up and do your best to look good, you'll start seeing your own beauty, and so will others!

    Never, ever let a man (or a woman) define who you are or what you're worth! Only YOU can do that! Your self esteem needs a big wonking shot in the tahooty and you need a night out with the girlfriends! You look gorgeous to me in your picture, so pick yourself up off the reject pile and go join the rest of the pretty women in the world. Go see the counselor -- I saw one after a divorce and she helped me tremendously; I learned how to LIKE myself, which finally brought me happiness and contentment! You won't be alone or unloved, believe me. Best of luck!
  • SoViLicious
    SoViLicious Posts: 2,633 Member
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    There is nothing wrong with you. He is just not into the idea of being with you long term. And that is ok, you also may have people you don't want to be with. Do not internalize this as a "you" issue, it is his issue. What you need to work on is your self confidence.
  • marysowter
    marysowter Posts: 121 Member
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    One big hug coming your way:flowerforyou: My advice to you is to walk away you do not need this person in your life.He brings you down and belittles you.I know you will not want to hear this but how he is treating you it is a form of abuse.You think you are lucky to be with him when it is the other way round.If you stay he will control and manipulate you and that my dear girl is no life.You feel ugly because he tells you so,that makes you feel inadequate sad and very lonely.He is not worth your love,You may be reading this and think "But he says he loves me"One day you will meet someone who is worthy of you and you will know then what love is! and with the right person that is wonderful. Take care and I wish you the very best xx
  • 5ftnFun
    5ftnFun Posts: 948 Member
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    You are so darn cute, don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Don't ever settle for just any ole body because you feel like you don't deserve better. Every woman deserves to feel special, beautiful, cherished, etc. Better to be single than to be with a guy who mistreats you.

    Big hugs.
  • michellelemorgan
    michellelemorgan Posts: 184 Member
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    I felt the way you feel for a long time and I dated a few men like the one you are currently dating. It wasn't until I began believing in myself and feeling I deserved an amazing man that I got one. You have to love yourself first... and even if you don't love yourself right now, fake it. Take care of your body, tell yourself you're beautiful, buy yourself a pretty little dress (dump your boyfriend) and eventually, with time, you'll begin believing you're beautiful. THEN an amazing man will come into your life who thinks you hang the moon,. My husband thinks I'm the most beautiful, kindest woman alive. It took a long time for me to meet him because I was too busy dating men that didn't appreciate me. The sooner you love yourself, the sooner you'll meet someone fantastic. I promise.
  • andrederosier
    andrederosier Posts: 121 Member
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    You will be treated the way you allow yourself to be treated. Take control of yourself and how you feel and BOOT HIS *kitten* TO THE CURB!!! He is manipulating you and that isn't the type of man you should want. Once you get rid of him expect lots of manipulation to get you back under his control.
  • Phoenixchichima
    Phoenixchichima Posts: 416
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    Please read up on abusive relationships & patterns of abuse.
    this isnt about your looks, your weight, or even about you.

    this is about HIM
    1) wanting to make you feel bad about yourself so he can be "in control"
    2) put responsiblities for all perceived problems on you
    3) breaking your self confidence
    4) Isolating you from your supports
    5) justifying his treatment of you.
    6) a feeling of his own power

    your weight & appearance is immaterial to him. for him its about what he can DO to you. dont let him.

    ask your psych re; patterns of abuse & how to leave him safely & dump him. even if he's not goign down the full road of abuser, he doesnt respect you. YOU dont deserve his crap. He doesnt deserve anyone until he can act respectfully & not selfishly.


    remember, its not about YOU its about CONTROLLING you.
  • Crystaleyed
    Crystaleyed Posts: 229 Member
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    I can't say I agree with you, I personally think, from what I have figured out from your post, that you are a lovely beautiful person who anyone would be lucky to have. Having said that though I am nineteen and I have never had a boyfriend or even kissed a boy in my life, so I do know how you feel in terms of guys not liking you.
    I hate to break it to you because this guy obviously means a lot to you, but he sounds like a complete waste of space, anyone who makes you feel worse and brings down your self esteem is not worth the time of day in my opinion. I personally think you deserve better but you have to do what's right for you, just know that there are more than enough people in the world who think you are amazing, even if you cannot yet come to terms with it.
    I'm always here if you need a chat, feel free to add me and have a chat :)
  • KenosFeoh
    KenosFeoh Posts: 1,837 Member
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    You know what? You can lose the weight and/or improve your fitness if you choose, but he will always be a *kitten*. Release him to the universe; you are not the *kitten* whisperer.
  • JenSD6
    JenSD6 Posts: 454 Member
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    There are plenty of men out there that will treat you with love and respect, and they will help build you up instead of put you down. You need to find one of those men instead.
  • ale7714
    ale7714 Posts: 7
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    I truly appreciate that you all took the time to read and leave a comment.
  • FlaxMilk
    FlaxMilk Posts: 3,452 Member
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    I'm glad you are going for counseling; jerk or no jerk in your life, you shouldn't have to feel so insecure and unhappy. I think your profile said 24. Trust me, you will find someone who is suited for you.
  • retiree2006
    retiree2006 Posts: 951 Member
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    He's the loser...so why would you want to hang out with HIM? Anyone who treats you so poorly now isn't someone you want to keep in your life. Hold your head high and tell him to hit the road...and mean it!
  • FlaxMilk
    FlaxMilk Posts: 3,452 Member
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    And you are attractive-big beautiful smile, gorgeous shiny hair. My guess is that there are people out there who are actually intimidated by or jealous of your looks. If the guy you are with isn't in to your look, there is a really easy way to solve that problem for him.
  • Smile72
    Smile72 Posts: 104 Member
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    Remember this - YOU ARE THE PRIZE!!! You need to kick his butt to the curb. You deserve to be with someone who accepts you for you and will love you for who you are. Start with LOVING YOURSELF first and taking care of you! :smile:
  • StephReinhart
    StephReinhart Posts: 4
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    At first glance of your picture I'm shocked to hear that "ugly" is even in the discussion! YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL! As I read your post, all I could think was, "RUN, don't walk, but RUN from this guy and DO NOT LOOK BACK." This guy is the worst sort! Not what you deserve - somehow you've just got to realize that truth!
  • Rho_Ro
    Rho_Ro Posts: 201 Member
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    That's a rough situation to be in. It seems reasonable for you to feel hurt. It may be wise for you to examine what it is about this relationship that keeps you in it. If you feel loved and supported (which it sounds like you don't), then stay in it and do the necessary work; if you feel beaten down and believe that you aren't worthy of love, then this relationship is not doing you any favors.

    I would advise you to turn to friends and family for social support, and define the relationship in firm terms. If he doesn't want you and only you, then he can leave. Insecurity can easily deceive a person into believing that no one will ever love them. The truth is that in order to be loved by others, a person must first learn to love themselves. It's a lesson I've had to learn the hard way. I don't know your exact situation, but you may ask your psychologist for some referrals to counselors in your area.

    There is not a person alive who isn't beautiful to someone!

    ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ DEFINATELY^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

    I had a look at your profile pic and WOW, you just jumped out at me - so much personality and fun hiding in there. You are gorgeous and of that I have NO doubt.

    I have seen counselors a number of times over many years. One situation that pulled my self esteem to the gutter was the work relationship between my boss and myself. He insinuated I was a lier which made me furious - that's one thing I pride myself on is my honesty. He told me I was slow, hopeless at my job, etc and eventually I was. I quit my job 3 1/2 yrs ago and it was just before this Christmas when my counselor told me I had been very good at my job and you know it took me ages to remember that, coz I was - I WAS GOOD! I hadn't worked in those 3 1/2 years coz I was scared. But I was lucky to have the opportunity to work for 10 weeks recently and I loved it. I'M BACK.

    Not the same situation as yourself, but definitely debilitating. One counselor told me that I had given MY POWER to my ex boss, because without it he couldn't do all that to me because I wouldn't have let him. I have my power back now. It took a while but the first step was when I resigned. This is my life and it's up to me how I live it. I work around things, as you do - an adult son who lives at home coz in shakey Christchurch NZ there aren't cheap flats; a husband who gets frustrated with things and waffles on LOL; and a new boarder who just about drives me up the wall (watch out him LOL), but putting up with all of this is my choice and WOW it feels fantastic!

    So, whatever you decide to do for YOU, I know you will get there. Yes, it takes time, firstly to make the first decision and then to actually do it, but then you're on your way. AND LOOK OUT WORLD!!!

    Friend request on it's way. You will prob be inundated, so if you don't reply I will understand. Take care Ale. You know, I've just realised you've taken that first step - you posted ur blog. WTG GIRL!!!

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