Jokes!

NotSurprised

Yeah & later today is 10 minutes.lol Why wait lets get this thing started, I totally was going to type everything then figured on the site why type when we can just copy & paste much faster & after all we type enough already.xD

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Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake were walking on the beach. Justin said, "Hey Britney, look at that dead birdie!"
Britney looked up at the sky and said, "Where?"

NotSurprised

Why was Christina Aquilera surprised when she looked at her driver's license?
She had an 'F' in sex.

laurenk182004

lol! Good one

NotSurprised

"In honor of the late George Carlin, here are seven more words you can't say on TV: ''And the Emmy goes to Bob Saget."
- Jeffrey Ross

NotSurprised

Thanks Lauren.xD

NotSurprised

You ever notice, in every single cop movie, like halfway through the movie, there's always this scene where the main dude, the cop, will get shot, and then he'll fall, like, 10 stories out of a building, and then he'll be, like, 'Ugh, I'm gettin' too old for this'? And I'm like, was there a time where that was OK? I think that's bad at any point in your life. Has anybody ever been shot and been like, 'Oh my god! I'm exactly the right age for this.'

waguchan

UGH! I can't stand Bob Saget, even more than I can't stand Brittney Spears! Good ones!

NotSurprised

Little Red Riding Hood walks through the forest and sees a wolf hunched under a tree with its ears erect and its mouth stretched in a big grimace.

She says to the wolf, "My, what big ears you have!"

The wolf keeps grimacing.

She says, "My, what big eyes you have!"

The wolf grimaces even wider, baring his teeth.

She says, "My, what big teeth you have!"

The wolf finally snaps and says, "F**k off! I'm trying to take a dump."

NotSurprised

You see all these mafia movies; Italians are always portrayed as angry, violent people. That's not right. As far as we Italians are concerned -- hey, listen, we don't hurt people, but people get hurt, you know? Accidents happen! You walk outside, trip and fall on an ice pick, six or seven times, you know? Right away, they blame Vinny. That's not right.

NotSurprised

Mickey and Minnie have been having problems for some time now and after hearing of Barbie and Ken's break up, they too decide to call it quits. Donald goes to Mickey to console him and says, "She's been a problem since day one. I'm glad you finally saw that she's crazy." Mickey looks at Donald and replies, "No, I broke up with her because she's f*cking goofy"

NotSurprised

Jean Claude Van Dam, Steven Segal, and Arnold Schwarzenagger all decide to go out trick-or-treating as musical composers for Halloween. They go into a costume store and look for masks. Jean Claude sees a costume that he likes and says, "I think I'll go as Beethoven." Steven Segal sees a costume that grabs his attention and says, "I'll be Mozart." Arnold had a tough time finding a costume that he liked, but he eventually found one that appeased his interest. He picks up a costume and said, "I'll be Bach."

NotSurprised

Everything's 'Star Wars' nowadays, isn't it, man? You go out to dinner with a friend. Between their beeping watch, their pager, their cell phone, it's like you're out with R2D2 for the evening

NotSurprised

I was listening to the radio today, and at one point, the deejay, he says: 'In that rock block we just heard Matchbox Twenty, 311, Three Doors Down and Seven Mary Three. Coming up we got Blink 182, Sum 41, Eve Seven, and D12.' I'm like, 'Bingo!'

NotSurprised

Why did the Pillsbury doughgirl get pregnant???
The doughboy forgot his weenie wrap

NotSurprised

What do you get when you play country music backwards?
You get back your wife, your dog, your truck...

NotSurprised

Cloris Leachman on Bob Saget:
"You didn't just kill sitcoms. You raped them and left them for dead, just like I did to Gavin MacLeod in 1975."

NotSurprised

You ever see 'The Dating Game'? That's a weird game show. The prize on that show: another contestant. Talk about cheap.

NotSurprised

I'm a geek, but you know what? I'm not a nerd. And there is a difference. Allow me to explain. A geek is the kind of person that'll stand in line to see the midnight premiere of the new Harry Potter movie. That's me, that's how I roll... Now a nerd is the kind of person who goes to the midnight premiere of the new Harry Potter movie dressed like Harry Potter. And that *kitten* is pathetic, right? What's up with those losers?

NotSurprised

The Gillette company offered ZZ Top, the rock group, $6 million bucks to shave their beards on a national TV commercial, and they turned it down. Hey folks, for $6 million bucks, I'd let some guy with a nervous condition shave my *kitten* with a bolo knife. Give Katharine Hepburn three cups of black coffee, and let her chase me with a weed whacker for a half hour.

NotSurprised

There used to be a time when you would come home, and reality was so crappy, you would turn on TV to watch stuff that people had made up, so that you could escape from the crappy reality. Now, you go out and deal with d**kheads and morons all day, and you come home and go, 'I just want to go home so I can watch d**kheads and morons on TV.'

NotSurprised

Anybody see 'Cop Land'? I went to go see it, but I got stoned in the parking lot. And then on the way in, I read the marquee, and I got paranoid and went home.

NotSurprised

What we ought to do is come up with a magazine that would depict men in such a way that would finally excite and turn women on. Like, first of all, come up with a catchy title, call the magazine, 'Commitment.' Wouldn't that catch your eye? A picture of a man, holding a baby, laundry by his side, getting ready to do the dishes, hands you dinner -- and the caption would read, 'Is there anything else I could help you with?'

NotSurprised

I'm watching some television tonight. I'm watching The Discovery Channel. You know, this channel, you never ever plan on watching this. It just happens. You're flickin' around, all of a sudden -- boom -- you're watching a mole for an hour-and-a-half.

NotSurprised

I thought he was too young for Kate Winslet. He's supposed to be this worldly traveler. You give him a guitar -- he's in Hanson

leavinglasvegas

Anybody see 'Cop Land'? I went to go see it, but I got stoned in the parking lot. And then on the way in, I read the marquee, and I got paranoid and went home.

This made me literally laugh out loud!:laugh:

NotSurprised

I watched 'Titanic,' too. I liked everything about it except the end of it -- didn't like the end of that movie at all because at the end of it, Leonardo tried to get the girl up on that little piece of board. He can't get on the board. He falls off, and he puts her on the board. And then he just sits there and floats in the water and don't say nothin' to her except, 'I love you.' I would have been like, 'B-b-b-b!tch, it's your turn to get in this cold-*kitten* water. I'm freezing!'

NotSurprised

A lot of people think I look like Alec Baldwin. They don't actually tell me that, but I'm pretty sure that's what they're thinking.

NotSurprised

The best part of the Miss Teen USA Pageant was the interview question, the verbal essay question. That was great because the question was, 'If you could interview any historic American, who would it be and why?' Talk about a deer in headlights, these girls were just terrified. You could read their thoughts, too: 'Maybe if I repeat the question, it will give my pea-sized brain time to formulate an answer. That's what I'll do. I'll repeat the question really slow. If I could interview any historic American, who would it be and why? *kitten* -- not enough time.'

NotSurprised

One of the contestants actually gave this answer, and I'm quoting, 'If I could interview any historic American, I would have to say George Washington because he invented democracy, and democracy is awesome.'

NotSurprised

There were some things I liked about 'Titanic.' I loved the characters of the band. I wanted the whole movie to be about them. They went out of this life and out of this plane of existence, and they shuffled off this mortal coil, doing what they loved to do... That's a really cool bit -- where they're going down, and one guy looks at the other musician, he goes, 'You know, I don't think they're listening.' And the other goes, 'Ah, they didn't listen at dinner, either.' And the other guy goes, 'Yeah.' And they just keep playing. I started to tear up at that moment. This girl behind me destroys the beautiful moment by saying this right in my ear: 'Ah, duh, maybe nobody's listening because the ship is sinking! Duh! Real good time for a concert! Duh!'

NotSurprised

When I saw 'Titanic' there was actually some teenage girls behind me, like, b!tching that it had a sad ending. When you're going to see a movie called 'Titanic,' you could pretty much factor that in. 'Oh my God, the ship is going to sink, that is so sad! I liked the movie, but why did it have to be so sad? Why did it have to have such a sad ending?' Aren't you glad those girls weren't in the focus group? They change the whole ending; James Cameron has to write a whole alternate ending: 'We've hit an iceberg, captain! We're going down with all hands aboard! Wait -- she's joining herself back together! Hooray! Alright, boys, let's sail to the wedding of these two fine young people.'