Jokes!

NotSurprised

Kids -- like the new generation right now -- these kids, right, they got attitudes. They're so young, all of them, they got that hip hop attitude, even though they're like white, Asian, black, Latino, doesn't matter right... 'Billy, come and eat!' 'Man, shut up, Mom. Shut up, I'm talking on my cell phone... Nah, it's just my mom b!tchin' again!'

NotSurprised

TV will drive your @ss crazy. Psychic hotlines -- how many of y'all call the hotline? If they were really psychic, wouldn't they be calling your @ss at home?

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It's not weird to see naked people. We see nude people all the time -- you know, cable and R-rated movies -- but those people in the movies have been pre-approved to be naked. They went through a casting director or something. Everyone gets on the nude beach. It's not the Playboy Channel down there; it's more like the Discovery Channel.

NotSurprised

I spent the entire day listening to my roommate name the women he'd like to get. 'Yeah, I'd like to get a hold of that Sharon Stone, man, Carmen Electra. I'd like to get a hold of that Madonna.' I'm sure Madonna would love that, too, Bill. What in the hell are you gonna show Madonna that she hasn't seen before? A gut? Your Velcro wallet? A coupon? NFL sheets?

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What separates models from the supermodels? What are the models doing wrong? What -- do they get to the end of the runway -- they keep going?

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Whenever you read the articles about the celebrities, they always exaggerate their lives, try to make them seem so amazing. 'He worked three years as a dishwasher before he hit it big.' Hey, I worked three years as a dishwasher before I became a busboy.

NotSurprised

All the years this guy did drugs, no one could have slipped him some calcium?

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I recently went and saw 'Eyes Wide Shut.' Did you folks see that film? Yeah, you didn't see it? Piece of garbage! Not the movie, you for not seeing it.

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People start telling me I resemble Cindy Crawford. It's not a compliment, because if I do look like her, it means I just kind of resemble her, which means I'm the Cindy Crawford you can get. I'm like the knockoff, Target version of Cindy, like that imposter's cologne -- like, 'If you like Poison, you'll love Arsenic.'

NotSurprised

I used to listen to that show 'Loveline.' I don't listen to it anymore. I got tired of people calling up for the stupidest problems. People would call up and be like, 'Dr. Drew, my left testicle is turning orange, and I don't know what to do.' 'Are you naked, sir? 'Yeah.' 'Is there a bag of Cheetos in your lap?' 'Oh. You guys are good.'

NotSurprised

I always get very nervous when I actually make reference to a real movie because I'm sure someone in the audience is involved, and they're like, 'Screw you! That's my terrible movie.' And I'm like, 'I'm so sorry. Please put me in your next terrible movie.'

NotSurprised

How many people here are like me? They can't afford laser eye surgery, so you've got to stay up all night and wait for old 'Star Trek' reruns to come on TV. You've got to wait for that scene where the Enterprise starts shooting the laser beams, and you've got to run up and press your eyes against the TV.

NotSurprised

I just can't compete with what Hollywood says is hot now for the ladies and stuff. My last girlfriend was totally into James Van Der Beek. Why? Remember when Hollywood hunks were supposed to have some kind of looks or something?

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When I was younger, I wanted to be Michael. You know, my friends, they were like, 'I want to be doctor. I want to be a lawyer.' I was like, 'I want to be Michael Jackson!' -- until he turned into a white woman.

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I used to be a rapper. I used to rap way before Eminem. They called me Skittles.

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I saw this lady being interviewed. She was a spokesman for a casino, and the guy tried to corner her. He said, 'Don't you think it's horrible the way you trick people into thinking they can win money when the odds are really stacked against them?' She said, 'Well, I don't think people expect to win money when they come to a casino. I think they look at it as entertainment.' What dictionary are you using, exactly? If I see Bruce Springsteen do a four-hour show, that's entertainment. If I loose $1,200 at a crap table, that is a horrific evening.

NotSurprised

The snake jumps up to bite him; he blocks it away. He looks up and he goes, 'Oh, he's grumpy today.' Yeah, he's grumpy because you're banging him in the head with a stick. That's the number one cause of grumpiness.

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I went and saw 'The Vagina Monologues.' That is the worst ventriloquism I have ever seen in my life. You could see their lips moving; it was terrible.

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You want a real survivor show -- put Robert Downey Jr., Michael Irvin and Darryl Strawberry in a crack house with one rock.

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So the rule is, if you screw up just one too many job interviews, you become a stand-up comedian.

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Pamela Anderson has hepatitis C and is surprised about it. I don't know what you expect when your definition of safe sex was remembering to always wear a backstage pass.

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I was in a pizza place today. I saw Scott Baio -- that dude could cook.

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Usually when people think you're gay, it's because the way you dress or talk or the way you're really into house music. And I don't do any of those things. For me, it's like I put one Ben Affleck poster in my bedroom, and everyone starts talking.

NotSurprised

I don't understand this whole Elvis thing. There are dead people in my family that we miss and love dearly, but shoot, we don't dress up like them and do impressions. I'll show up at the family reunion in a dirty t-shirt and a bald cap -- 'Look, everybody, I'm Uncle Earl.'

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I have a boyfriend, so I started reading Cosmo Magazine for tips. Here's a tip: don't do that.

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I saw the commercial for herpes medication. First of all, I know commercials are getting ridiculous, but the thing that tripped me out about this commercial was not how they made it look like your life get a whole lot better after herpes -- you can rock climb and jet ski and all that! -- they make it look like life begins with herpes.

NotSurprised

I'm slowly but surely making my way back to my pre-pregnancy weight because I live in Los Angeles and that's the law... Gotta read the fanzines, though, that tell me Madonna and Elizabeth Hurley lost their baby weight in five days due to a strict regimen of chain smoking and Bikram Yoga.

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I hate magicians, and you know why? They're never prepared, that's why. They always need something from the audience. I'm like, 'You knew you were going to do that trick, Harry Potter. Bring your tricks!'

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This girl offered me E at the club. She's like, 'You gotta do E. It helps you feel the music.' I was like, 'I don't even like this music. I don't really want to take the next step.'

NotSurprised

Ok there were some pretty good one's here, but this next one is uber hillarious.lol