Jokes!

NotSurprised

I've been listening to this rapper, Busta Rhymes. Sometimes he'll say a really good rhyme, and he'll say his name afterwards. He'll be like, 'Cat in the hat, and that was that -- Busta Rhymes.' I really like that. I'd like to do that with jokes. Like, 'I like drinking coffee, but if I ever reach a point in my life where the best part of waking up is Folgers in my cup, I'm not sure I wanna wake up -- Mike Birbiglia.'

NotSurprised

I went to a De La Soul concert recently, and they really hype up the audience. They were in the middle of the concert, like, 'Is the party over here?' And people are like, 'Woo!' 'Is the party over here?' People are like, 'Woo!' I'd like to do that in my shows, but I feel like it might be kind of a disaster. I'd be like, 'Is the party over here?' 'No!' 'Is the party over here?' 'Not really.' 'Well then, I gotta go to MapQuest, click on driving directions -- where it says Start type in "Me"; where it says End, type in "Party." Do I need to know the locations of Denny's along the way? No. Do I need to know the locations of Ramada Inns along the way? Not really. Damn, cracker, I'm just lookin' for the party!'

NotSurprised

How would you like to be Michael Jackson's kid? I was embarrassed because my dad wore black socks with shorts. Imagine that freak following you around the mall -- you're just trying to fit in; he zips by in a jetpack, dressed like Shirley Temple.

NotSurprised

Have you seen the beauty pageants for the little girls, little five-year-old girls? They're really popular. Last one was so big, they had to hold it in one mother's personal emptiness.

NotSurprised

Jay Leno's the only guy on earth who could have a bobble head made of him that would bobble less than his actual head.

NotSurprised

Remember Osama bin Laden? Public enemy number one. We gotta get bin Laden. Then the new season of 'American Idol' came on, we're like, 'Ah, forget it. Whatever.'

NotSurprised

I was opening a show for Huey Lewis once, right? We get to this venue; the last big act that was there before the Huey Lewis show was Clint Black. We get downstairs to the dressing room -- sure enough, on one of the dressing room doors there is a sign that says 'Clint Black.' And I'm thinking, 'Is that my name and a brief description?'

NotSurprised

You're not gonna win, but that's all you're thinking about is winning, right? You don't even think about the fact that the game is impossible: you're 30 feet away, trying to throw a hot dog into a wine bottle.

NotSurprised

You go to Las Vegas now, they've got penny slot machines. Yeah, penny slot machines. First of all, if you are gambling and you've gotta get change for a nickel -- it's over.

NotSurprised

I'd be the only dad keeping his kids home from school to teach me how to get to the next level on a video game.

NotSurprised

You ever see that show, 'When Animals Attack'? They should call it, 'When Stupid People Get Bit.'

NotSurprised

Mike is the only man I know in more trouble now that he's white than he was when he was black.

NotSurprised

I've been really cranky 'cause I'm on a diet. Here's the thing: I'm OK with my weight like this, but I want to do television, which means I need to be a weight that's not achievable.

NotSurprised

A joke is either funny or it's not funny. If I hear a funny joke, you know what I do? I laugh, that's what I do. I don't start a focus group to see who got hurt by the joke.

NotSurprised

Everybody from the North thinks everybody from the South is just sitting around, barefoot, wearing overalls, eating grits, watching 'Hee Haw,' listening to country music, drinking Jack Daniel's, going to tractor pulls, wearing trucker caps, dipping Skoal, picking cotton, riding around in pickup trucks, having sex with our relatives, and looking for UFOs. And that's not true -- it's not -- I've never seen a UFO, and second cousins don't count.

NotSurprised

I was a senior in high school, and some friends of mine and I were driving over to Birmingham, Alabama, about an hour away. We were taking the big road trip over 'cause we wanted to go see KISS in concert -- what white trash story does not start out exactly like that?

NotSurprised

Did you ever notice at the drive-thru they always got that little sign: 'No vehicle, no service'? So this is what I did: I bought myself a Wonder Woman costume. So now, I walk right up to the window. The lady says, 'Where's your vehicle?' I say, 'I'm in my invisible jet, a**hole.'

NotSurprised

Some animals are smart in the way they get you. How about the coyote? Here's how the coyotes kill you: what they do is they paint a target in the middle of the highway; they fill it up with Acme birdseed. You bend down to eat -- they drop a piano on your head.

NotSurprised

I thought I was gonna be famous. I did a show like this, and these producers came to watch my show. I got done; they were like, 'Come here for a minute.' I was like, 'Oh man, this is my big break.' The guy goes, 'Are you drunk?!' I was like, 'Duh, it's dark out, dumb@ss.'

NotSurprised

We buy bottled water every single day without thinking about it. Why? Because drinking tap water is more dangerous than doing Jell-O shots off of Courtney Love, that's why.

NotSurprised

He's certainly not your average child molester... mostly because when you get to Michael's house, there really are rides.

NotSurprised

Illegal downloading seems pretty big these days. That's gotta stop. It's a problem, 'cause when you download, let's say, a P. Diddy song, you're not only stealing from him, you're also stealing from whoever he stole it from in the first place.

NotSurprised

I think the Jackson family works for the government, that's my new theory. I think every time the government needs a distraction, they call up the Jacksons. 'Yeah, hello, Janet? We're gonna need you to whip out a t!tty at the Super Bowl. Yeah, and tell Michael to schedule a sleepover ASAP. Operation Beat It is in effect.'

NotSurprised

I think Michael Jackson gets too much press, though, because he's one guy. The Catholic Church is like the Microsoft of pedophilia, like giants in the industry. He's running a mom and pop operation with, like, a Ferris wheel, a couple llamas.

NotSurprised

The other thing I'm going to do at my funeral is I'm going to have a closed casket, like, at the church. And it's going to be closed so people will think that my body will be in there -- but it won't be. My body will come down on wires. It'll just come down, just hang down, and then, they'll hit the lights out and hit it with a strobe light and then -- techno music.

NotSurprised

I don't know if you know Planet Hollywood? It's like a theme restaurant; they have props from the movies on the wall. But I worked at the one in Minnesota, so we got all the lame, stupid props. We would pretend they were cool, that was our job. It was so pathetic. We were like, 'Yeah that's is -- that's the car they drove in Critters. That's it, man, that is it. And that's what they wore in Cocoon -- and there's Corey Feldman.'

NotSurprised

We'll be explaining our video games, and they'll be playing some futuristic fighting game. And we'll be like, 'When I was your age, we had a game with a yellow circle, and it ate dots and fruit, and then it would be chased by ghosts.'

NotSurprised

It's the same thing every week -- every week. What do you think's going to happen? Oh, that guy's got a unibrow. You think they're going to talk about that? He's got cinder block bookshelves. You think that's going to come up?

NotSurprised

Rappers now will be like, 'It's 2005, motherf**ker.' I'm like, you're mad about the date? You've gotta pick your battles, man.

NotSurprised

Who unplugs a TV -- ever? You plug it in once, and it stays that way 'til you f**king move, alright? There could be a nest of opossums behind my TV, I wouldn't know it 'cause I don't go back there.